How do I move on?

LegacyUser

Going unregged for obvious reasons.

When I was a teenager I was always on the internet, had a lot of internet friends as well as real life friends...

I made one friend who was 15 years older than me... Well, I was 15 at the time and he lived in england. I never really fancied him but I'd be quite introverted, was VERY shy and quiet and quite depressed at the time. And he showed an interest in me and then just after I turned 16 we met up and well.. You know. We met up on two occassions.

Eventually we "broke up" cos he wanted me to move to england to live with him and I really didn't want to leave all my friends and familiy behind He was really angry at me.

It's been 5 years now and I still can't seem to move on. I want to so badly. I really want to forget the b@stard ever existed. I don't even have a right to call him that cos I met up with him of my own free will and kept it from my parents, hence knew I was doing something wrong. I just want to forget about him but he still seems to have a grip over me and I can't stop googling his name, trying to find out more about him. I tried to add him on a networking site but he just sent back an email saying to f.ck off. How can I move on?

Nevyn

I would suggest that you need to talk to someone about this, maybe a counsellor as there are a lot of issues surrounding what happened to you.

Yes you may have choosen to meet up with him but you were still only a teenager and
it's a complex set of circumstances.

lolli

You just need to get out there and meet new people. He came into your life when you were at a very impressionable age and you probably thought at the time that he was the best thing that would ever happen to you, well hes not.

Go out, make friends meet new people. I have met lots of great friends and boyfriends though the internet but it also important that you keep up social interaction with people beyond the internet. Only relying on internet friends is not good for you.

muboop1

i hate to get off-topic, but he was hitting on your when you were 15? thats imo kinda odd... especially when afaik the legal ago for sex is 17 in ireland?

id be wary of a person who has an unntural attraction to under-agers.

now i know you saay you cant get past him. but have you ever thought mabey he isnt worth it? he sounds to me a tad nuts.

firstly for the getting involved with a 15/16 year old when 30 himself.
and secondly for expecting a 16 year old to uproot from everything they know to move over to a man twice their age whom they have only actually met in person with twice.

i knwo you say you have an obsession with him, but mabey thats because you are focusing on the good points?

think about all that was wrong with the situation and what happened, does he still attract you knowing all that?

if so i would advise you seek some counselling perhaps?

LegacyUser

oh just to clarify

I hate the guy. I'm in no way attracted to him at all still but for some reason I can't even work out I can't just leave the past to be in the past. I can't even think of any of his good characteristics but he seems to have really gotten under my skin I know he's not worth it like... And I don't know why I keep obsessing about this. I'm normally a strong person...

I've had relationships since then, I'm currently in a serious relationship and I've well... a few friends. I dunno, I find it hard to maintain friendships off msn messenger.

I tried going to a councillor in college before but I ended up chickening out and only talking about my latest break up. Wasted her time and mine. I don't even know how to go about telling someone what happened in person. I really want to get over this but I can't get the courage up to tell someone face to face. Like, how do you even start a conversation like that?!

Nevyn

You start by taking a deep breath and admitting that given your age at the time that the relationship you had was in appropiate. Then you have to accept that you will not get closure or the answers to the questions you want from him.

He can't release the 'hold' he susuposedly has on you, only you can.

It is hard to admit that and to talk to a counsellor and it takes a lot of courage to
say " when I was underage I had an innappropiate realtionship with an older man and
I feel and fear it may have had a negative impact on me and I need to explore the
issues this has brought into my life" to a stranger but honestly it's a lot easier
then telling people you know if you worry they wil judge you or treat you differently,

Think about it as being a sort of 'confession' for in a way it is as they counselor is bound
by client confidentiality and won't be telling anyone else and when you are done working
with them you don't ever have to talk to or see them again but you should be able
to get on with your life and form better healthier relationships.

Salome

I'm with Thad on this one - this is not just a simple relationship ending. There are a lot of issues here - you were groomed by this person, you had a relationship with this person - I think it will be very beneficial for you to see a counsellor. Don't feel that you can't discuss it - you can, they are there to help you. They don't judge, they want to help. Please do it. Good luck.

hellodolly

I agree with the counselling idea - these people are trained professionals who treat every client's issues as valid problems that the client needs advice/help to deal with.

You were at an impressionable age. It happened. Don't keep blaming yourself; you were young and didnt know then what you know now. Plus, you say you were quite depressed at the time; this probably compounded your feelings about the relationship even more.

We can't change the past but we can most certainly direct our futures.

Try not to worry about being unable to speak to a councellor/life coach. Book the appointment and when you arrive, simply say that you want help to sort out your issue but you feel you can't talk about it. They will take it from there.

Take the first step...you deserve to be happy pet.

LegacyUser

Op, I was told nearly the exact same story by somebody I was close to in June 2007. I will tell you now what I should have told her then. Talk to a councillor and deal with what happened. As was mentioned, this guy took advantage of you, raped you. He does not want you to contact him because he knows what he did was wrong, and is probably suspicious of your motives in contacting him, its not as though you are going to talk about the good old days.
Talk to a councillor about it and try and find some peace through that process, if you don't this will haunt you throughout your life and will effect you in ways you can't see, it may already have. You may not want to talk about this with your other half, parents or even friends, but always remember, that they are there for you and care for you.

CDfm

Thaedydal wrote: »

I would suggest that you need to talk to someone about this, maybe a counsellor as there are a lot of issues surrounding what happened to you.

Yes you may have choosen to meet up with him but you were still only a teenager and
it's a complex set of circumstances.

Thaed is right on this - 16 is very young and the internet gives only superficial relationships.

It seems to me that you are stuck in this and really need to look at what you do to move on. Have you thought of talking to your GP and getting them to recommend or refer you on somewhere. ITs worth a shot.

missannik

Sounds to me like...
“It’s called frustration attraction: the more difficult something is to attain, the more we long for it.”

I think its a fairly normal thing to endure from time to time, or at least I tell myself that.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

Op, I was told nearly the exact same story by somebody I was close to in June 2007. I will tell you now what I should have told her then. Talk to a councillor and deal with what happened. As was mentioned, this guy took advantage of you, raped you. He does not want you to contact him because he knows what he did was wrong, and is probably suspicious of your motives in contacting him, its not as though you are going to talk about the good old days.
Talk to a councillor about it and try and find some peace through that process, if you don't this will haunt you throughout your life and will effect you in ways you can't see, it may already have. You may not want to talk about this with your other half, parents or even friends, but always remember, that they are there for you and care for you.

I would be very careful about planting notions in the girl's head that she was "raped".

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

I would be very careful about planting notions in the girl's head that she was "raped".

As the situation was described by the OP, she was 16 when the incident happened, the guy involved was 30. That is an adult having sex with a minor, and hence comes under the onus of statutory rape, unless my understanding of the law is extremely mistaken.

CDfm

Unregistered wrote: »

I would be very careful about planting notions in the girl's head that she was "raped".

I agree.

OP its better to go for help and let the professionals help you with that part.Thats what their job is and its between you and them.