hes a virgin..

LegacyUser · 31-01-2009 12:35am #1

so been with my boyfriend for 3 years, in the hole three years we have never had sex. he says he gets nervious, suppose thats fair enough, but i did start to feel like it was because of me like he just wasnt atracted to me, with out blowing my own trumpet i am an attactive girl, no model but pretty..anyway one night we had a fight and when we made up he told me that he was a virgin, i was actually mmad at him for telling me and got really upset that he thought he couldnt tell me, then there was the fact i thought for 2 and half years it was because of me. was i right to be upset with him. we are completely fine now i said im over it, but the fact is iv had a few exes and had really good sex with them, and frankely i just want some sex 3 years is a long time. to make it clear he dosent want to wait till hes married or anything like that, and says im the one!! i want some loving

btw im 20 and hes 23

sunnyside · 31-01-2009 1:00am

I think he didn't tell you because he was embarassed about it and therefore it's got absolutely nothing to do with his opinion of you. In fact he obviously thinks very highly of you and trusts you a lot to say he eventually told you his secret. (Or maybe he posted his problem here and everyone advised him to tell her and that if she was a nice girl she'd be totally ok with it!--sorry, popular topic here lately)

But how have you waited 3 years, were there never times when things were getting passionate and you could have encouraged him to go further? Couldn't have been that difficult;)

LegacyUser · 31-01-2009 1:06am

give him time. and guys i AM a registered user. you keep telling me to log in

Zaph · 31-01-2009 1:16am

Unregistered wrote: »

give him time. and guys i AM a registered user. you keep telling me to log in

You only need to log in if you want to post under your user name. If you wish to post unregged then you have to be logged out and your post will go into the moderation queue.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock · 31-01-2009 1:25am

Men's most silliest misconception: A woman will dump you if you tell them you're still a virgin in your 20s. You'd be amazed how often we do it.

I'll assume his reluctance was soley down to the fact that he felt pressure because he was a virgin Ask him how he feels about sex and if feels better enough to try it.

If so, then the pressure should be off and it'll be downhill from here on in. Obviously, he'll be nervous when he does lose it, but it sounds like reassuring him and being gentle shouldn't be a problem for you.

LegacyUser · 31-01-2009 1:26am

things have got passionate, but when im giving hints to go further it just not happening. i dont really care hes a virgin, think its quite cool ill be his first, but i just wish we could have our first. im getting really really fustrated now..really.

Bottle_of_Smoke · 31-01-2009 1:29am

Seems fishy to me. 3 years? Have you ever done anything sexual? How has it not come up before? Pardon the pun

Stky10 · 31-01-2009 1:47am

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

Seems fishy to me. 3 years? Have you ever done anything sexual? How has it not come up before? Pardon the pun

Exactly... I'd imagine that most guys that are virgins at that age are desperately trying to get off the mark unless they've got a religious reason, or I suppose a moral objection.

LegacyUser · 31-01-2009 1:59am

Elephant in the room here. Perhaps he's not sexually attracted to women but doesn't want to admit it.

pwd · 31-01-2009 2:22am

3 years? Wow. You're very patient.
3 years sounds too long to me. He can't be that frigid. Are you sure he's not gay?

cafecolour · 31-01-2009 2:29am

pwd wrote: »

3 years? Wow. You're very patient.
3 years sounds too long to me. He can't be that frigid. Are you sure he's not gay?

Easy way to tell on that. OP, when you kissing or dry-humping or how ever far you are going, does he have a hard on or not?

minidazzler · 31-01-2009 2:36am

Unregistered wrote: »

things have got passionate, but when im giving hints to go further it just not happening. i dont really care hes a virgin, think its quite cool ill be his first, but i just wish we could have our first. im getting really really fustrated now..really.

3 years and you are giving hints??? This is something to really be discussed!!!! No hints, no pussyfooting around it, if you want sex, tell him, talk to him about it.

Any lad who is so nervous that it takes him 2.5 years to admit he has never had sex and is "nervous", probably has something he is hiding!!!! Unless he is abstaining, this is VERY strange indeed.

Bottle_of_Smoke · 31-01-2009 2:57am

pwd wrote: »

3 years? Wow. You're very patient.
3 years sounds too long to me. He can't be that frigid. Are you sure he's not gay?

Bleh, gay guys can still have sex with women. IF that was the case he'd have had sex with her to cover up any doubts.

Don't mean to scare the OP but need to be careful, perhaps sexual abuse at some point or an uncurable STI. I'm basically saying you have to find out what the issue is here. 3 years is a bit nuts unless you have a marriage type idea of sex, which is fine in itself but not the case here

the_syco · 31-01-2009 3:00am

I'd say it's one of three things:
Post ejaculation
Small dick
Hasn't a clue wtf to do.

My advice, wear sexy lingerie, get him relaxed, and then get it on.

That, or find his porn stash, and find out what he's into.

If, as BoS said, and it's sexual abuse, he may be scared. Hell, he may have been hurt, and not know that at his age it can be pleasurable.

nkay1985 · 31-01-2009 3:08am

The poor lad was just embarassed to admit it at first because he is 3 years older than you and you'd already had sex before him. So once he hadn't said it early on, it became more and more difficult to broach the subject. Easy to see how it could happen.

But now that it's out in the open, it should resolve itself fairly quickly or there's something wrong. Just tell him what you've told us - that you're excited to be his first and not to worry because everyone's crap on their first go. Be aware that you may not get any "lovin" of a decent calibre for a little while. But give him a few tips and, if he's worried about coming too soon (which he probably is), get him to wear Durex Extra Safe condoms as they dull the sensation a slight bit, enabling him to last longer.

Let us know how you get on.

Stky10 · 31-01-2009 3:20am

nkay1985 wrote: »

if he's worried about coming too soon (which he probably is), get him to wear Durex Extra Safe condoms as they dull the sensation a slight bit, enabling him to last longer.

A bit?. They're like thick rubber gloves, ie barely any sensation at all, which means if he can't come, he'll be more confused than ever. I'd recommend the pleasuremax ones, way more sensation for both parties, and means that he's pretty certain to "happy finish". Better for him to come too soon first time out, than not to be able to come at all.

nkay1985 · 31-01-2009 3:42am

Stky10 wrote: »

A bit?. They're like thick rubber gloves, ie barely any sensation at all, which means if he can't come, he'll be more confused than ever. I'd recommend the pleasuremax ones, way more sensation for both parties, and means that he's pretty certain to "happy finish". Better for him to come too soon first time out, than not to be able to come at all.

LOL, you have a point but let me ask you this: Do you honestly think you wouldn't come on your first time having sex, even if you were wearing 5 condoms! He'll be so built up, provided there's foreplay involved, that he'll be ready to pop anyway!

MagicMarker · 31-01-2009 9:40am

Sorry, but 3 years? There is something not right with that at all.

Tell him to get his act together or move on, pretty soon it will be 5 years... 7 years and so on.

Ghost Train · 31-01-2009 10:38am

Talk to him about it... could be a real problem that he needs to get help with if he can't overcome it, if he's really that nervous that its stopping him doing something he wants to do maybe he needs something to get over that. On the other hand if you've got to a certain point and he's refusing to go any further then maybe its something more than being nervous that he's not telling you about

Either way talk to him about it, let him know whatever it is can probably be sorted but he has to want to get it sorted... if things don't change though you should move on

petethebrick · 31-01-2009 10:53am

3 Years! thats crazy. You obviously don't have good communication in your relationship together - how can you go that long without having frankly discussed that you aren't having sex together

Splendour · 31-01-2009 11:43am

Unregistered wrote: »

to make it clear he dosent want to wait till hes married or anything like that

Has he told you this? Or is this something he may also not want to admit?

LegacyUser · 31-01-2009 1:06pm

i dont know grrrr, we have talked about it loads and loads. i would move on but i can honestly say i love him to much to leave. he defnitely not gay, and we have lots of sexual fun togetheir its just never went as far as sex. Iv told him so many times even with the most experienced people sex will most proberly crap the first time until both people get to know what the other likes etc. far as i know theres no abuse involved in fact im sure there not. Ill will just have to up my game abit and do some serious seductive work!!!!

LegacyUser · 31-01-2009 3:03pm

Hey, Just bare in mind that as much as 3 years with out sex for you has been tough... for him being in a loving r/ship for 3 years and not having sex due to his nerves has probably been a nightmare. Not in the same way though... he may be have built it into such a huge deal in his head that now its not a nervousness he can just choose to get over.

I'm speaking from experience here... I'm a woman and I was a virgin till I was 22. Partially because I hadn't met the right guy and partially because I was a little intimidated by the idea of it all. I know that's not all that unusual but in my head I thought it was terrible!! When I finally got into a r/ship where I felt comfortable enough for sex I was thrilled! Thought it meant all my stress was gone! A while into the r/ship however when the 'new r/ship' rush of raging hormones died down to a more managable level the worries slowly started to creep back in... if I wasn't in the mood one night I started to worry that it was my old nervousness causing my lower labido. Needless to say a few months of this and sex was nearly never happening due to me never "being in the mood" even though I was.

I was lucky that I have a very loving bf, who was ridiculously patient with me and very open to talking about it, but the mental block just wasn't something I could get past myself. We eventually went for sex therapy together and it was the absolute best thing ever!! I always thought that because my issue with sex was my own it made it my problem to fix on my own which was impossible. We always thought our communication level was good (and to be honest it was never bad) but the therapy has opened up a whole new level of communication that we couldn't get to before because eventually sex had kinda become taboo.

Maybe couple therapy is something you could suggest to your bf? It sounds a lot less intimidating than "I think you need help". It may be a very scary idea for him at first but it could be well worth it, especially if he knows he has your support through it. You could always find out info on differant clinics you could go to, and find out how thier couple's counselling works. Bringing the suggestion up and having some idea of what it all entails will help to reassure him that its not as bad as he'll think it is.

Personally I'd recommend www.mrcs.ie from my own experience, but I'm sure you'll find somewhere that suits you. Hope this helps.

LegacyUser · 31-01-2009 3:50pm

thank you unregqq2 very helpful advise, the gay suggesting wernt to help ful by others. and i shall be looking it to. i could wait for another 5 years but i just want us to be close in every possible way. its not just about sex i just want us to show each other how much we love each other in a more intimate way.

LegacyUser · 31-01-2009 5:16pm

If this is something you could help him overcome, believe me, it would be worth it. I understand completely where you're coming from regarding the whole need for more intimacy... there is a closeness that sex brings that is hard to find anywhere else. The main focal point of the sex therapy that we went to was about establishing intimacy and communication. It brought us back to very basic intimacy and slowly worked its way from simple non-sexual touching, right up through sexual touching and finally onto full sex - with regular therapy sessions throughout to keep in touch with exactly how we were doing, to try and see exactly where the boundries of my comfort levels were and establish a way of overcoming them together.

There seem to be some posters on here who don't seem to accept that the problem is genuinely about nerves and are suggesting he's gay or just needs to get over it but believe me this can be a very genuine and difficult problem, that only gets worse the longer its left. It is wonderful that you have stuck with him, I know my biggest fear was that my bf wouldn't stay with me... I felt that I couldn't expect him to, and I am so grateful that he did. Many relationships hit a sexual problem at some stage... be it at 3 years or 30 years... and it can bring you so much closer to work through it.

hes a virgin..

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