Lack of personal support

LegacyUser

Hey PI,

I'm a college student guy, recently entered my 20's, living on my own. My life isn't bad in most respects: The academic work isn't bad, I have a job, friends etc. My problem/question concerns what happens when something does wrong (as it does for everyone) in that I feel I have absolutely no-one to turn to if and when I experience any kind of trauma. I'm no more thin-skinned than the average person and I'm by no means constantly unhappy, but lately I've been upset at the realization that when something *does* get under my skin, I have no-one to even talk about it with most of the time, and once or twice I've experienced mini-breakdowns (crying and so on) which no-one else so much as knows about.

I don't really have a family to speak of (only child of only children, and both my parents and grandparents are dead) and while I certainly miss them I don't think it's grief or whatever, I've gotten over that long ago. I do have friends in college and work, and am universally well thought of by people who know me, but my friendships are generally of a fairly casual, superficial nature. I had a rather less-than-ideal upbringing in adolesence which didn't allow for much contact with others of my age, and when I started college I had no friends and very little confidence or social skills. I've definitely come out of my shell since then, but there still isn't anyone I'm close enough with to feel comfortable opening up about any problem I have. I have the feeling that if I were to die, there might be plenty of people willing to show up to my funeral, but no-one close enough to me to actually organize one (sorry for the morbid analogy )

I know there are services like the Samaritans or Nightline or the like, but I'm not really looking for "listening" or a shoulder to cry on in an immediate sense so much as sense of "caring" I have thought about therapy or something, but I'm a little reluctant to go down that route. Does anyone else have experience of this situation, any advice on what I can do?

Thanks.

sunnyside

I feel exactly like that sometimes, I'm very short on family too. I read an article a while back saying that this is the way of the future because so many people are staying single now and many people are only having one child these days.

Unregistered wrote: »

any advice on what I can do?

Nothing that I know of, but if anyone has a solution I'd like to hear it too.

For me I have a few friends who almost are my family. I know you wrote that you don't have close friends but you do have plenty of friends and you are still very young. I'm sure those people are aware of your circumstances and wouldn't let you down if you really needed help. Maybe some day you'll fall in love, get married and have your own children, then you will have a family again.

Overheal

Youre in college....(!)

Your college will have all of those facilities available, and for cheap/scott-free. Chaplain, Non-partial Counselor, Nurse, Doctor Access, Financial Advisor, etc etc etc.

You need to go into the help desk/reception, get some directions and off you go. Ear infection? Nurse cleaned that right up and got a doctor to prescribe me meds. Personal Issues: Setup a meeting with the counselor, which can be done by emailing them - which will be available through your college's website. Need an emergency loan to get you through til next week? They can help you with that too.

sunnyside

Overheal wrote: »

Youre in college....(!)

Your college will have all of those facilities available, and for cheap/scott-free. Chaplain, Non-partial Counselor, Nurse, Doctor Access, Financial Advisor, etc etc etc.

You need to go into the help desk/reception, get some directions and off you go. Ear infection? Nurse cleaned that right up and got a doctor to prescribe me meds. Personal Issues: Setup a meeting with the counselor, which can be done by emailing them - which will be available through your college's website. Need an emergency loan to get you through til next week? They can help you with that too.

Did you read his post properly? He goes to college, goes out, has friends, he doesn't sound like someone who needs advice on how to make a doctor's appointment if he gets an ear infection!

He said he's cried about it once or twice, sounds totally normal to me. I think the issue is more "If I fell unconscious in my house tonight, who would find me?" and other worst case scenario issues that could arise when you live alone/have very few/no immediate family.

Slutmonkey57b

The issue you have OP is that you've arrived at a point in life where you've got acquaintences but no friends. If you want supportive, open, honest friendships, you've got to start opening up to people too. Take those first steps to letting someone in, and you'll get let into their lives too.

Overheal

sunnyside wrote: »

He goes to college, goes out, has friends, he doesn't sound like someone who needs advice on how to make a doctor's appointment if he gets an ear infection!

did you read mine correctly: letting the OP know of services available to him that he is seemingly unaware of.

cafecolour

You could start seeing a counselor regularly as a stop-gap, both to address this specific issue and to feel like you have someone to talk until you make some closer friends.

Then, as stated above, start opening up to people. Some people are more open to deeper emotional discussions than others (and obviously even those who are aren't keen on it every time), so open up to people a bit to whom you feel close. You can generally gauge their reaction - whether they open up more or remain stiff or pull back. That'll tell you how much farther they're willing to open emotionally.

LegacyUser

hi OP, i'm in a very similar situation to you, have never had real
friends that I could trust, don't have a very good relationship with parents.

What works for me is not talking about my issues at all.
I just ignore them, well do my best to ignore them anyway. And you know, they do eventually go away.
I find that problems seem much worse once I start talking about them, so
perhaps keeping it all in is not as bad as we're constantly told it is?

Now this may come across as a silly statement, everyone is different,
but this way of dealing with issues certainly works for me.

Hope you find a way out of your misery,
all the best.

hellodolly

Pls dont take the advice above(from the guest)!! telling someone to bottle up their emtional problems has to be some kind of sad joke!

You are completely valid in being upset about your personal circumstances; I lost my dad at 19 and thought i'd dealt with the grief for years. Only realised in last few years that i hadn't dealt with it properly; i'd bottled it up to try and hide from the pain i suppose. It held me back for years in most aspects of life and it was only when i'd learned to open up to family and friends that i started to get help/advice/back-up when i needed it.

It's good to talk! by talking out your problems/issues with some-one, be it a counsellor at first or learning to open up and trust a friend, you can sound out your worries and fears and hopefully get positive feedback in how to deal with everything.

You say you have friends but you're not close enough to any of them to speak about your problems. The other boardie's are right; you need to open up a bit and see who responds. Try to develop your friendships with the people you are most drawn to. Eventually you will feel that you can trust them and you will feel that they are there for you when you need them.

CDfm

I get what you are saying and I experienced the same after a divorce. Its not nesscessarily the emotional stuff but the other ordinary stuff when you get ill or are short of cash that sort of thing. Christmas and birthdays that go uncelebrated.

Thats fairly tough.

You should make a list of the people you do have and its true colleges have hardship funds and that sort of thing.So list out your problems and what you think you need assistance with or support with.

Do you have a relative aunt or uncle or cousin that you could turn to just as an anchor relative to make a connection with. You sound on the level so they wont know if you dont ask.

If you dont you might think of approaching the local Vincent de Paul as they do offer financial and other assistance where needed. I imagine its something they would be willing to do and maybe they would know someone who could kind of mentor you or something.

Those are my initial thoughts and good luck with it. You have done quite well for someone with a rough start.

jessbeth

I don't know why people are so afraid of counselling.

Counselling is not just for the insane you know. If everybody had somebody independant from their family and friends I think there would be a lot less troubled people around.

Anyway there is usually someone at a college that gives some free counselling. You could try finding out about that.

Another way of counselling yourself is keeping a journal. Write down everytime that bothers you and then reason with it. Some people find that very helpful.

You might also want to try to make some closer connections with some of the friends that you have now. You never know, some of them may also be interested in having a shoulder to cry on when times get rough.

LegacyUser

Jessbeth. I don't know why you think counseling is the OP's only option.

OP should explore what is available at his college. This should include whatever resources on whatever basis either on a financial and hardship basis or on a support basis.

THe college year is around 32 weeks long and you have another 20 weeks without support which by itself is hard. If you were a prisoner on probation you would have more in the line of support.

Your challenge is to create or build a support structure to replace the one you lost following the deaths of parents and grandparents. That in itself being a touch break.

While your college may provide that of a sort in term time you have the rest of the year to tackle and has done reasonably well considering no next of kin as such.

It may be that there are community or other groups you can join. There certainly are church based groups such as Cross Care - a Dublin Diosecan Social Work Group who might be able to point the OP in the right direction - however you might find you have done more for yourself then these can offer you.

Clonliffe College
Dublin 3
Ireland

Tel: 01 836 0011
Fax: 01 836 7166
Email: info@crosscare.ie

Try other groups such as your local Vincent de Paul who do home and community based work and you might find what you need. By that I mean contacting their helpline number and meeting with someone from the organisation other than the charity shop.

With all you have done it should be a very good time in your life. You have gotten so far and now you need to get the rest of the way.