Is he a pessimist or realistic?

LegacyUser

My boyfriend doesnt even want to concider getting engaged until we live together first.
We hope to be moving in together during the summer, and we will be an item 3 yrs by then.
we are in our early 30's.
He wants to see how we get on living together, before he makes any commitment, although i on the other hand know that he is the person i want to spend the rest of my life with and would marry him in the morning. He does love me and tells me often that he would love to marry me, but wont be proposing until we have lived together first. Am i being niave or is he being realistic?

liah

He's being realistic. You may think you know him now but you can never truly know a person til you've lived with them. How they act when they're out and how they act at home are entirely different things. You may find it's not all it's cracked up to be.

Then again I can't really talk, in two of my long-term relationships, the only ones in which I lived with my partners, we did things a bit backwards and were living together either immediately or after only a week or two due to circumstance. So my view may be skewed.

Millie

He's a realist.
Seeing someone a couple of times a week is a completely different ball game to living with someone.
It's the small things that could push someone over the edge.

00112984

He's being very realistic.

Being in love and cuddly from seeing eachother three hours a night is fine but having to live with someone is very, very different and not at all romantic.

When we moved in together, we were together three years and, by that time, he was staying at my place five nights a week anyway so we thought it's be a smooth transition but it never is. "Mine" suddenly became "ours", "I" becomes "we" constantly. There are financial considerations, who does what etc. It's not always easy.

Plus, I genuinely believe that you see the worst of someone when you live with them and, only by knowing someone at their worst, are you ready to experience everything else with them.

embee

niave girl wrote: »

My boyfriend doesnt even want to concider getting engaged until we live together first.
We hope to be moving in together during the summer, and we will be an item 3 yrs by then.
we are in our early 30's.
He wants to see how we get on living together, before he makes any commitment, although i on the other hand know that he is the person i want to spend the rest of my life with and would marry him in the morning. He does love me and tells me often that he would love to marry me, but wont be proposing until we have lived together first. Am i being niave or is he being realistic?

He's just doing things the way he thinks they should be done, and I'd have to agree with him. You have to live with someone to really get to know them.

whiskeyman

He's a realist, and I think it's a very good sign he's told you.

I'd imagine this is the case with most blokes, but many probably won't say it, as the girl will be of the same feeling as yourself ('everything is going to be just great!!'.).


You *will* have niggles and will notice fights increasing somewhat. You'll be talking a lot of boring stuff (I bet you never talk about special offers on washing powder at the moment, do you?), but you will have some of the most amazing times of your life together too.

Best of luck and enjoy yourselves!

WM

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies..
He does stay at mine about 4 nights of the week, but i guess living together is something totally different.
I really hope that things do continue the way they are once we move in..

It's not something we fight over, its just the way he wants it and i have been repecting his wishes and not putting pressure on him, i just wanted to know what peoples opinions here were.
I think it might be the age thing that gets to me, i dont want to be too old before we get to have kids, he is older than me so that worries me too. i think i just want to get the ball rolling to our happy ever after.
if we live together for 6 months and then get engaged then we wont be married for about 2.5 yrs from now. which is alot of time on the biological clock.

skywalker

Id be exactly the same as him. I wouldnt consider getting engaged to someone until Id tried living with them. When you live with someone theres no airs or graces, or facade. What you see is what you get. Its totally different to going out with them, or even staying over a couple nights a week.

Thats not to say its a bad thing at all, just more realistic.

Firetrap

Like the others said. You never really know what someone's like til you live side by side with them in everyday circumstances. That he says he loves you and wants to marry you is a good sign.

MagicMarker

He's a pessimist.
















I lied, he's being realistic. What's the rush?

LegacyUser

I think he is being realistic to be honest. He sounds like a smart level headed guy to me. He says he loves you and says he wants to live together first before getting engaged to be married so why not wait to move in together.
Niave Girl- Are you sure his reservation to get engaged is not financially driven, ie, you are both set to buy a house (most expensive thing you will ever likely do) so perhaps he cannot afford the 2000 euro or whatever for the ring of 'your' dreams.

partyguinness

He is being very honest and he should be commended for that.

At least there seems to be good communication between both of you which is vital.:cool:

LegacyUser

Niave girl wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies..
He does stay at mine about 4 nights of the week, but i guess living together is something totally different.
I really hope that things do continue the way they are once we move in..

It's not something we fight over, its just the way he wants it and i have been repecting his wishes and not putting pressure on him, i just wanted to know what peoples opinions here were.
I think it might be the age thing that gets to me, i dont want to be too old before we get to have kids, he is older than me so that worries me too. i think i just want to get the ball rolling to our happy ever after.
if we live together for 6 months and then get engaged then we wont be married for about 2.5 yrs from now. which is alot of time on the biological clock.

Hmm, he is no doubt being very sensible and if ye had all the time in the world, women would never have any issues with the milestones and moving forward in relationships.

But as you well know men tend to be very oblivious to the dreaded biological clock...
If you were to wait for them to come around to it in their own time, well we would all be barren old hags wouldn't we....!

Joking aside, I have always been like you are, always putting my partners wishes and issues ahead of my own concerns. Failing to discuss things that were worrying me for fear of being seen as the "pushy girlfriend" -this is difficult to overcome when its a habit!

Anyway, if you can get up the courage try to open up a discussion about the biological clock issues. I know you might look at this with horror as its the last thing you want to do but at the end of the day they will be his kids too.

If you dont bring it up until its too late he could then throw it in your face at a later date if there are difficulties.....Sophies choice eh!

Its cruel being a woman, always having to be the party pooper but sadly thats what biology has dealt us!

Best of luck!

CDfm

IMO -hold out for the ring.

Not everyone lives together before marriage and it seems to me like you want some commitment.

Aloysius Flyte

Niave girl wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies..
He does stay at mine about 4 nights of the week, but i guess living together is something totally different.
I really hope that things do continue the way they are once we move in..

It's not something we fight over, its just the way he wants it and i have been repecting his wishes and not putting pressure on him, i just wanted to know what peoples opinions here were.
I think it might be the age thing that gets to me, i dont want to be too old before we get to have kids, he is older than me so that worries me too. i think i just want to get the ball rolling to our happy ever after.
if we live together for 6 months and then get engaged then we wont be married for about 2.5 yrs from now. which is alot of time on the biological clock.

Don't be stressed out about the biological clock ticking away.
I'm in my mid 30's and have many friends who are now thinking about having babies and having no problems. I sometimes believe that those statistics are there to scare people rather than help them.
To quote Benjamin Disraeli, "there are lies, damned lies and statistics"

Exercise, eat a healthy diet, lose any excess weight, have lots of sex and you will increase your chances of conceiving when the time is right for you both.

LegacyUser

He sounds like a smart man who is taking your relationship very seriously , Fair play to him, hes not naive.