Spider artist RETURNS!! :)

Jay D · 30-01-2009 11:15am #1

ChecK aTTachmEnt

rferguson · 30-01-2009 11:46am

Jay D wrote: »

ChecK aTTachmEnt

im afraid it was posted last week :rolleyes::D

but funny none the less

junior_apollo · 30-01-2009 11:51am

rferguson wrote: »

im afraid it was posted last week :rolleyes::D

but funny none the less

Yup - got it two weeks ago in the usual around work emails... good laugh alright.. hoping for some more in near future...

Jay D · 30-01-2009 11:56am

damn damn damn!!! I hate it when I think I got it first and then found out that I wasn't. It makes you think that you had something and then it was snapped from your grasp, I wonder now what challenge will await me next, will it entail hardship, forced labor or maybe even joy and delight, the future is a mystery, the night is near, so now I go and bite my ear.

The End

Wagon · 30-01-2009 12:00pm

He's a legend. Thanks for posting!

Dancor · 30-01-2009 12:16pm

I never seen that..Hillarious

Homer · 08-06-2009 7:46am

His latest work!!!

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 10.16am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

Thankyou for your letter concerning pets in my apartment. I understand that having dogs in the apartment is a violation of the agreement due to the comfort and wellbeing of my neighbours and I am currently soundproofing my apartment with egg cartons as I realise my dogs can cause quite a bit of noise. Especially during feeding time when I release live rabbits.

Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 11.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Pets in the building

Hello David

I have received your email and wish to remind you that the strata agreement states that no animals are allowed in the building regardless of if your apartment is soundproof. How many dogs do you have at the premises?

Helen

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 1.52pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

Currently I only have eight dogs but one is expecting puppies and I am very excited by this. I am hoping for a litter of at least ten as this is the number required to participate in dog sled racing. I have read every Jack London novel in preparation and have constructed my own sled from timber I borrowed from the construction site across the road during the night. I have devised a plan which I feel will ensure me taking first place in the next national dog sled championships. For the first year of the puppies life I intend to say the word mush then chase them violently around the apartment while yelling and hitting saucepan lids together. I have estimated that the soundproofing of my apartment should block out at least sixty percent of the noise and the dogs will learn to associate the word mush with great fear so when I yell it on race day, the panic and released adrenaline will spur them on to being winners. I am so confident of this being a foolproof plan that I intend to sell all my furniture the day before the race and bet the proceeds on coming first place.

Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 9.43am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, I am unsure what to make of your email. Do you have pets in the apartment or not?

Helen

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 11.27am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

No. I have a goldfish but due to the air conditioner in my apartment being stuck on a constant two degrees celcius, the water in its bowl is iced over and he has not moved for a while so I do not think he is capable of disturbing the neighbours. The ducks in the bathroom are not mine. The noise which my neighbours possibly mistook for a dog in the apartment is just the looping tape I have of dogs barking which I play at high volume while I am at work to deter potential burglars from breaking in and stealing my tupperware. I need it to keep food fresh. Once I ate leftover chinese that had been kept in an unsealed container and I experienced complete awareness. The next night I tried eating it again but only experienced chest pains and diarrhoea.

Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 1.46pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Hello David

You cannot play sounds of dogs or any noise at a volume that disturbs others. I am sure you can appreciate that these rules are for the benefit of all residents of the building. Fish are fine. You cannot have ducks in the apartment though. If it was small birds that would be ok.

Helen

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 2.18pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

They are very small ducks.

Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 4.06pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, under section 4 of the strata residency agreement it states that you cannot have pets. You agreed to these rules when you signed the forms. These rules are set out to benefit everyone in the building including yourself. Do you have a telephone number I can call you on to discuss?

Helen

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 5.02pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

The ducks will no doubt be flying south for the winter soon so it will not be an issue. It is probably for the best as they are not getting along very well with my seventeen cats anyway. .

Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Monday 25 May 2009 9.22am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, I am just going to write on the forms that we have investigated and you do not have any pets.

Helen

byrner88 · 09-06-2009 12:07am

In this one David answers all his e-mails with the what Magic 8-Ball tells him:

From: Simon
Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 9.38am
To: David Thorne
Subject: No Subject

Have you got a typeface called Garamond Semibold? I have the Garamond and bold and italic but not the semibold. I am doing a poster for Cathy and I reckon garamond would look good.

From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 10.02am
To: Simon
Subject: Re: No Subject

As I see it, yes.

From: Simon
Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 10.43am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Garamond

Which one? Yes you have the typeface or that it would look good on a poster?

From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 10.52am
To: Simon
Subject: Re: Garamond

Concentrate and ask again.

From: Simon
Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 11.14am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Garamond

What the ****? I need the typeface Garamond. Have you got it or not?

From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 11.18am
To: Simon
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Garamond

You may rely on it.

From: Simon
Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 11.29am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Garamond

Send me the typeface dickhead.

From: Mark Pierce
Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 2.08pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Hey

Hey. Are you at work?

From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 2.25pm
To: Mark Pierce
Subject: Re: Hey

Signs point to yes.

From: Mark Pierce
Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 2.53pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Hey

What? Can you drop over on your way home from work and help me lift a piece of glass up onto a table? It is too heavy to lift.

From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 3.22pm
To: Mark Pierce
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Hey

My sources say no.

From: Mark Pierce
Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 3.49pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Hey

Are you serious? I tried lifting it a bit at a time and sliding books under it but I need heaps more books. Can you come for a quick drive now?

From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 4.02pm
To: Mark Pierce
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Hey

Ask again later.

From: Mark Pierce
Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 4.57pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: ?

Are you going to help me on the way back from work or not?

From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 5.16pm
To: Mark Pierce
Subject: Re: ?

It is decidedly so.

From: Mark Pierce
Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 5.24pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: ?

Good. **** you are annoying sometimes.

From: Justine Murphy
Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 8.14pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Tree frogs ppt

Hi David, you forgot to send the attachment on your last email. Can you send it again please?
Justine

From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 8.51pm
To: Justine Murphy
Subject: Re: Tree frogs ppt

You may rely on it.

From: Justine Murphy
Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 9.15pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Tree frogs ppt

Ok. Can you resend it to me then please?

From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 9.26pm
To: Justine Murphy
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Tree frogs ppt

Without a doubt.

From: Justine Murphy
Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 9.44pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Tree frogs ppt

???? Did you attach it?

From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 9.51pm
To: Justine Murphy
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Tree frogs ppt

Don't count on it.

From: Justine Murphy
Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 10.27pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: ?

Are you ****ing with me? Just attachment it ass hat.

From: Simon
Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 11.28pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: No Subject

Are you online?

From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 11.37pm
To: Simon
Subject: Re: No Subject

Concentrate and ask again.

From: Simon
Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 11.41pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: No Subject

**** you.

From: Jeff Peters
Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 10.22am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Membership Renewal

Dear David

This is a friendly reminder to let you know your gym membership expired last week. Your membership is important to us and we would like to take this opportunity to show our appreciation by offering you a 20% discount on your membership renewal. We look forward to seeing you again soon.

All the best, Jeff Peters

From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 1.37pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Membership Renewal

Dear Jeff,

Thankyou for your friendly reminder and the kind offer to reduce my membership by twenty percent. I own a calculator but I could not work out how to do percentages on it so have estimated that I save around $372.10 off the normal price of $420.00 - Please confirm that this is correct and I will renew my membership immediately. Also, do I get a Fitness First sports bag with towel and drinking bottle included in the price? I own my own legwarmers and headband.

Regards, David.

From: Jeff Peters
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.01am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Hello David

How did you come to that amount? Our half year membership fees are actually $460 but with the 20% discount as an existing member your renewing membership fee would be only $368 for the six months saving you almost $100 off the normal price. We are not Fitness First so do not have those bags.

Cheers, Jeff

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.18am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

Do I get free shipping with that?

Regards, David.

From: Jeff Peters
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 12.48pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Free shipping with what? The $368 covers your membership fees for six months.

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 2.26pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

By the power of Greyskull that is a lot of money but I admit to being in desperate need of increasing my body strength. My ten year old child often turns the taps off in the bathroom very tightly and I have to go several days without washing. I feel bad constantly having to ask the lady from next door to come over and loosen them for me, what with her arthritis and limited wheelchair access to my apartment. To be honest, I originally joined your gym with full intentions of attending every few days but after waiting in vain for someone to offer me steroids, I began to suspect this was not going to happen and the realisation that I may have to exercise instead was, quite frankly, horrifying. My aversion to work, along with the fact one of your employees, Justin, was rather rude, telling me to 'lift this', ''push that' dulled my initial enthusiasm of becoming muscular and I stopped attending.

Regards, David.

From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 9.17am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Hello David

Not sure how to take your email, nobody here would offer you steroids, it is illegal and none of our staff would do this. Justin is one of our most experienced trainers and if you found him rude while he was trying to be helpful and just doing his job then there are plenty of other gyms you could look at joining instead.

Cheers, Jeff

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.02am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

Yes, I have noticed that there are many gyms in my area. I assume the low qualification requirements of fitness trainers means that there is an over supply of these buffed but essentially otherwise purposeless professionals. I knew a guy in high school who couldn't talk very well and collected sticks, he used to call the teacher 'mum' and during recess we would give him money to dance. Then sell him sticks to get our money back. He went on to become a fitness instructor so I view gyms as kind of like those factories that provide a community service by employing people with down syndrome to lick stamps and pack boxes. Except with more Spandex obviously.

Regards, David.

From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.32am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Go **** yourself.

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 11.38am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

I was, at first, quite surprised at your response; one minute you are inviting me to renew my membership and asking me for money, the next insulting me. After doing a little research however, I have learnt that mood swings are an expected side effect of steroid abuse. As another side effect is a reduction in the size of your penis, this gives you understandable cause to be an angry person. I have also learnt that Spandex contains carcinogenic properties so this does not bode well for yourself and your shiny friends. If I woke up one morning and my penis was a quarter of the size AND I had testicular cancer, I would probably take my anger out on those around me as well. There are probably support groups or websites that could help you manage your problem more effectively and picture based books available on the subject for people with limited reading skills. When I am angry I like to Listen to music by Linkin Park. The added angst and desire to cut myself works similarly to the way firefighters fight forest fires by burning off sections, effectively canceling each other out and I find myself at peace. I understand that you guys usually listen to Pet Shop Boys or Frankie Goes to Hollywood so this may be worth a try.

Regards, David.

From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.04pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

DO NOT EMAIL ME AGAIN

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.15pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Ok.

From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.25pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Is that you being a smartarse or agreeing not to email me again?

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.32pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

The middle one.