Drying up in conversation

LegacyUser

I don't know what to do anymore. I love him but it's complicated. He is not from here, he is from Canada but he lives here with me. We have been together for 4 years, but I am feeling like time is moving on. The truth is, he ticks all the boxes. He is fantastic in every way.
Except one area, and it's kind of important to me. We can't have a conversation. I love to talk about all sorts of things (I am not an overly yapper) but I like intelligent conversations or debates, but I find he is not interested in much. I have to dumb myself down in a way just to have a conversation. He is not big on talking. When we go out or go away, I am bored beyond belief sometimes. He is not interested in history or culture. We never go to galleries and I have to drag him along to museums (but one he is there, he seems interested), even though I compromise for him.
When we do manage to finally have a conversation, he tells me to shut up or insults me or tells me to stop arguing, when I amn't. Its frustrating because he gets jealous when I talk to other people.
I dont know if I should call the whole thing off, as I feel that things are not really going anywhere, or should I just let the mediocre conversations be one of the only bad things about the relationship?

Wibbs

OK you're in love at the moment and that's dandy, but down the line when the sex and playful pet names ease off, you will be talking more than anything. If you can't have a conversation with this chap now, your life together will not be a good one. Sorry to say and it's only my humble, but I would be thinking hard about this one.

LegacyUser

Well we have been going out together for 4 years. He gave up his life in toronto to come over here. How do I say to him, pack your bags luv, I can see this will be going nowhere in the future. He is very much in love with me too. I know I sound cowardly, but it's so complicated. I feel like 'he'll do for now'. But thats not right is it?

Nevyn

Unregger wrote: »

When we do manage to finally have a conversation, he tells me to shut up or insults me or tells me to stop arguing, when I amn't. Its frustrating because he gets jealous when I talk to other people.

See those bits right there, they would be setting of alarm bells for me.

Unregger wrote: »

When we do manage to finally have a conversation, he tells me to shut up or insults me or tells me to stop arguing, when I amn't.

You see it as a converstaion or a discussion and he sees it as an argument
and then he does what ever he can to end it which includes disrespecting you.
Thats more then just a clash in communication styles. It can be worked on but you would both have to want it.

I love a good conversation/discussion with ranges over a whole heap of topics and interests esp with someone who is a stimulating conversationalist
but I as much as I would like that to be my SO or person I am seeing
I don't expect one person to be the be all and end all and cater to my every need and whim but if having those type of interactions wasn't possible
not understanding me have sprawling and intresting conversations with other people and acting irrationally about it would have me calling a major time out
and if it could not be resolved dumping him.

Unregger wrote: »

Its frustrating because he gets jealous when I talk to other people.

Seriously we all have different types of needs and just cos yours aren't watching eastenders and you like a different type of stimulation that he doesn't want to be a part of does not give him the right to try box you in
or limit the things you like to do.

Nevyn

Unregger wrote: »

Well we have been going out together for 4 years.

Long enough for the cracks to start showing the thing is are you going to fix it ?
Does he even see it as an issue in your realtionship ?
If he does/did would he be willing to work on it ?

Unregger wrote: »

He gave up his life in toronto to come over here.

That was his choice.

Unregger wrote: »

How do I say to him, pack your bags luv, I can see this will be going nowhere in the future.

Well you start with those immortal words we need to talk or
if he really is that much of a stoic communication wise a letter/email.

Unregger wrote: »

He is very much in love with me too. I know I sound cowardly, but it's so complicated. I feel like 'he'll do for now'. But thats not right is it?

So you have fallen out of love with him and this is the reason ?

LegacyUser

I find that when I mentally 'click' with people and am able to have a discussion or a laugh, he doesn't like it. He will not talk to me and then he will say a few days later that that person fancies me (it's usually a male). I have had to cut someone else out before for the sake of our relationship. I really didn't want to but then he said 'how would you feel if I were getting on well with a girl and she obviously fancied me?' which was fair enough, I suppose, so I have stopped talking to that person. I am compromising, but to what extent? I find I am on the internet a lot now, just so I can have meaningful interactions, but he doesnt like that either.

I hate complaining about him, he is a great guy otherwise. I just don't know what to do.

jellie

Unregger wrote: »

I feel like 'he'll do for now'. But thats not right is it?

wow lucky guy.. :rolleyes:

reading your first post i thought you just sounded a bit bored with the relationship.

but reading the 2nd i feel sorry for the guy.. are you just waiting for something better to come along? if youre really thinking "he'll do for now" then you know yourself somethings very wrong here.

LegacyUser

Thaedydal wrote: »

Long enough for the cracks to start showing the thing is are you going to fix it ?
Does he even see it as an issue in your realtionship ?
If he does/did would he be willing to work on it ?

Do I accept that he will never stimulate me mentally, but tell him he must let me go and converse with whom I like?

So you have fallen out of love with him and this is the reason ?

I am extrememly fond of him. Is that love? I don't know. I know it's probably a stupid question but I try not to have very high expectations of what love is, especially the way it is sold to us in films and books. I could spend the rest of my life with him happily, bar one fundamental thing which frustrates me a lot.

LegacyUser

sar84 wrote: »

but reading the 2nd i feel sorry for the guy.. are you just waiting for something better to come along? if youre really thinking "he'll do for now" then you know yourself somethings very wrong here.

That does sound a bit bad. I don't mean I am waiting for someone better to come along. I just feel like its a bit mediocre sometimes. I don't know of things will ever get better, even if I was with someone else, there are of course going to be hurdles like there are now. But the trouble is, how do I know which hurdles to jump or which ones to avoid altogether.

Monkey61

If you can't have a conversation with this guy why on earth are you going out with him??? What are you possibly getting from him, other than sex, that you couldn't get from an acquaintance or family member?

IMO anyway, the main reason for wanting someone to be your partner apart from the superficial is that they are the person that you most click with and want to chat to about everything in the world - the person that most gets you and your sense of humour and that stimulates you intellectually more than anything.

Yes, you can get this from friends too, but not to the same extent as with somebody you really fancy and stuff.

If you can't have a conversation, this is not the man for you!!

Nevyn

Unregistered wrote: »

I find that when I mentally 'click' with people and am able to have a discussion or a laugh, he doesn't like it. He will not talk to me and then he will say a few days later that that person fancies me (it's usually a male). I have had to cut someone else out before for the sake of our relationship. I really didn't want to but then he said 'how would you feel if I were getting on well with a girl and she obviously fancied me?' which was fair enough, I suppose, so I have stopped talking to that person. I am compromising, but to what extent? I find I am on the internet a lot now, just so I can have meaningful interactions, but he doesnt like that either.

I hate complaining about him, he is a great guy otherwise. I just don't know what to do.

So he's great other then the controlling, manipulating behaviour and the lack of emotional maturity, his insecurities and saying he doesn't trust you; with the picking your friends and throwing tantrums when he doesn't get his way and making it your fault so you have to behave better ?

CDfm

Unregger wrote: »

Well we have been going out together for 4 years. He gave up his life in toronto to come over here. How do I say to him, pack your bags luv, I can see this will be going nowhere in the future. He is very much in love with me too. I know I sound cowardly, but it's so complicated. I feel like 'he'll do for now'. But thats not right is it?

What you are doing now is cowardly.

It seems to me that so far he has uprooted for you.

I like galleries and art and buildings -but they are your interests. Quite partial to a bit of shopping. A GF who loves cars spend weeks finding one for me. She is into rugby too.

So maybe you need to show some interest in what he likes and his interests.

CDfm

Thaedydal wrote: »

So he's great other then the controlling, manipulating behaviour and the lack of emotional maturity, his insecurities and saying he doesn't trust you; with the picking your friends and throwing tantrums when he doesn't get his way and making it your fault so you have to behave better ?

Thaed thats a tad unfair. THe guy moved to another country he is on his own.

shellyboo

CDfm wrote: »

Thaed thats a tad unfair. THe guy moved to another country he is on his own.

So? He didn't move on the condition that she wouldn't talk to another man every again, did he? His reasoning is beyond ridiculous - he can't realisitically expect her never to talk to men who might find her attractive... if that's the case he'd be as well locking her in the house.

He's clearly hugely insecure, he sees that he doesn't supply this need for interaction for his gf and he's jealous of anyone else - including the internet, it seems - who can. So he's selfishly trying to have her all to himself, regardless of how it makes her feel.

OP, judging by what you're saying, this despair of yours is soon going to turn into resentment - and when that happens, the relationship is done for. I think you need to talk to him about how you're feeling about not being able to make proper friends; but ultimately this seems like a basic incompatibity. If, as you say, you're thinking there's something better out there for you, then there probably is.

LegacyUser

CDfm wrote: »

What you are doing now is cowardly.

What do you mean by that? By not calling off the whole thing?

It seems to me that so far he has uprooted for you.

Correct. He has uprooted to come over here to live with me.

I like galleries and art and buildings -but they are your interests. Quite partial to a bit of shopping. A GF who loves cars spend weeks finding one for me. She is into rugby too.

So maybe you need to show some interest in what he likes and his interests.

I do. I like everything he likes. I will watch what he watches, I am interested in a lot of things bar football, which he doesnt like, thankfully.

The only thing he does that I don't like to do is go out drinking. I love socialising but I can't go out when its just the 2 of us. It's boring when there is nothing to talk about & when he gets drunk he gets very amorous, he starts talking as if everything he wants to say has been pent up. The only problem is that he is drunk when this happens...

LolaLuv

This guy's a loser. A jealous, uncommunicative, boring tosser. So toss him!

It sucks that he's Canadian and living here now. I'm an American living in Dublin, due to go home in July, and if I decide to stay it will be because I want a life here, have job prospects, and enjoy Irish culture more than my own. It'd be fine if I loved someone enough to stay, but it wouldn't be just for them. If he really moved here only for you, then he's a moron in addition to a tosser. That's not your burden to bear.

At any rate, it sounds like the relationship has run its course. Carrying on isn't doing either of you any good.

Nevyn

CDfm wrote: »

Thaed thats a tad unfair. THe guy moved to another country he is on his own.

He has been here for 4 years which is more then enough time to make some friends of his own.

Nevyn

Unregger wrote: »

when he gets drunk he gets very amorous, he starts talking as if everything he wants to say has been pent up. The only problem is that he is drunk when this happens...

So he can't express how he feels about things until he is drunk and spends rest of the time bottled up.

So you can't go out with him cos he can't drink sensible with out there being a 'domestic' and you are not allowed to go out with out him encase you have an intresting and stimulating converstaion with someone who happens to be male and might think you are attractive cos he doesn't' like that happen ?

Other then him being extremely good in the sack ( which will fade due to lac of good communication ) and your guilt cos he moved over here why are you with him exactly ?

partyguinness

If you are single in the US you are preceived as having something wrong with you.

I have found as a result of this social pressure that our US/Canadian brothers and sisters tend to rush things when it comes to relationships. They seem to be obsessed with "being with someone" firstly and the details can be worked out later. Hence over 50% divorce rates.

Before anyone jumps down my throat for generalising, that was my experience when I lived in Boston and I have had US g/friends in Ireland so its just my observation. Been to Canada a few times but never lived there.

My bottom point being..this guy (they do tend to be very possessive and jealous in the US and Canada) prob just wants to be with someone just for the sake of it and he prob isnt too fussed about small things like converstion, common interests etc just as long as he is conforming to the social norms.

Lets be fair Canadians are not noted for being the most exciting bunch in the world..lol

LolaLuv

partyguinness wrote: »

If you are single in the US you are preceived as having something wrong with you.

I have found as a result of this social pressure that our US/Canadian brothers and sisters tend to rush things when it comes to relationships. They seem to be obsessed with "being with someone" firstly and the details can be worked out later. Hence over 50% divorce rates.

Before anyone jumps down my throat for generalising, that was my experience when I lived in Boston and I have had US g/friends in Ireland so its just my observation. Been to Canada a few times but never lived there.

My bottom point being..this guy (they do tend to be very possessive and jealous in the US and Canada) prob just wants to be with someone just for the sake of it and he prob isnt too fussed about small things like converstion, common interests etc.

There are so many things wrong with this post that I don't even know where to begin. I'll try though. I'm an American, have been single for two years, don't rush into anything, and have many friends just like me. I think what you're saying is certainly true in some cases but they could be said about some people in every country in the world. The fact that you've met many American women like that says more about the sort of women you're attracted to than anything else, tbh.

partyguinness

In fairness I did qualify my post as it was a generalisation based on my own experiences as I was trying to pre-empt that sort of reply back.

Of course not all Americans are like that I never said that. And no I havent been attracted to women like that..I run a mile if I get a whiff of that mentality.:cool:


OP- how come it has taken you 4 years to deal with this.

Surely this lack of intellectual stimulation was evident within the first few weeks??
How come you have come this far down the line? I find that strange TBH

LegacyUser

Thaedydal wrote: »

So he can't express how he feels about things until he is drunk and spends rest of the time bottled up.

Correct

So you can't go out with him cos he can't drink sensible with out there being a 'domestic' and you are not allowed to go out with out him encase you have an intresting and stimulating converstaion with someone who happens to be male and might think you are attractive cos he doesn't' like that happen ?

Correct. But...we don't have 'domestics' in public, thats usually when we get home and he carries on drinking. He isn't physically abusive or anything like that, he doesn't ever raise his voice either or intimidate me.

Other then him being extremely good in the sack ( which will fade due to lac of good communication ) and your guilt cos he moved over here why are you with him exactly ?

Liking a person for me is not just about sex and/or conversation. We connect spiritually too and get on well in every other way, and he makes me laugh. He is not a comedian, but he is not completely dry either. He is hilarious when he is drunk, until he wants to talk to me.

It's not that I can't talk to him at all. He will listen to me most of the time but will rarely give much advise or input back. When it does become a discussion then he will back off and insult me.

LolaLuv

In fairness, you could have just as easily said "some people" instead of specifically mentioning Americans. I don't think generalizations are very helpful, and you can't expect people not to refute them, no matter what sort of a disclaimer you add.

LegacyUser

Sorry, but I don't think he is with me to conform. He is not even in his home country. He left his home country to be with me because he wants to be with me, not anything else. (maybe for the guinness)

If you dont mind keeping the topic back to my dilemma and not generalise about nationalities please? It's kind of irrelavent.

All his friends here are my friends too, btw.

partyguinness

PillyPen wrote: »

In fairness, you could have just as easily said "some people" instead of specifically mentioning Americans. I don't think generalizations are very helpful, and you can't expect people not to refute them, no matter what sort of a disclaimer you add.

The b/friend here is Canadian so thats why I deemd it appropriate to share my experiences with people in that part of the world. Which I may add was very positive and I cant wait to visit again. It was just a particular trait I noticed time and time again thats all.

Granted I hurt your feelings and perhaps you didnt like to hear that but thats my general opinion.

Firetrap

Looks to me like this relationship is on its last legs. Being able to talk to each other is a crucial part of any relationship. Seems like that part of this relationship isn't working.

It's unfortunate that the OP's bothered by the Canadian boyfriend moving over to Ireland for her but it was his choice. Fair play to him for doing it in order to give the relationship a real go. Unfortunately, things don't work out so what he does next will be his decision.

partyguinness

OP- how come it has taken you 4 years to deal with this.

Surely this lack of intellectual stimulation was evident within the first few weeks??

How come you have come this far down the line? I find that strange TBH

Nevyn

Unregger wrote: »

Correct. But...we don't have 'domestics' in public, thats usually when we get home and he carries on drinking. He isn't physically abusive or anything like that, he doesn't ever raise his voice either or intimidate me.

Just mentally and emotionally abusive.

Are you that desperate to have a talk with him that you are willing to
indulge him when he gets that drunk ?

Unregger wrote: »

Liking a person for me is not just about sex and/or conversation. We connect spiritually too and get on well in every other way, and he makes me laugh. He is not a comedian, but he is not completely dry either. He is hilarious when he is drunk, until he wants to talk to me.

But he is not as funny or as charming sober ?

Unregger wrote: »

It's not that I can't talk to him at all. He will listen to me most of the time but will rarely give much advise or input back. When it does become a discussion then he will back off and insult me.

He's got issues what he has not acknowledge or deal with which manifest as not being able to communicate like an adult and your suffering due to them imho.

CDfm

Unregger wrote: »

Sorry, but I don't think he is with me to conform. He is not even in his home country. He left his home country to be with me because he wants to be with me, not anything else. (maybe for the guinness)

If you dont mind keeping the topic back to my dilemma and not generalise about nationalities please? It's kind of irrelavent.

All his friends here are my friends too, btw.

Well post some good points or it will be dump the loser.

A woman in my life insists I make going out decisions etc and its kindof cool and different for me.

So if you want to make a go of things you need to do what Canadians do too. Im afraid in this weather its probably skinny dipping:pac:

But seriously -it sounds like you dont talk about this stuff- the first is to try to find common ground of doing things together.Probably not cultural and involving others not from your OPs immediate circle.

You could also invite people to dinner that he has introduced you to and not the ones you like but the ones he digs.

You get the drill. Put in the effort and see - maybe you have built up rules unintentionally that he is not comfortable going past.

CDfm

partyguinness wrote: »

OP- how come it has taken you 4 years to deal with this.

Surely this lack of intellectual stimulation was evident within the first few weeks??

reading between the lines :D:D

Monkey61

Unregger wrote: »

Correct


Liking a person for me is not just about sex and/or conversation. We connect spiritually too and get on well in every other way, and he makes me laugh. He is not a comedian, but he is not completely dry either. He is hilarious when he is drunk, until he wants to talk to me.

Okay here is the bit that I don't understand. How on earth do you get on in every other way but conversation?? In what other way can there possibly be to get on well? I am very confused. How can he possibly make you laugh without conversation either??? Hilarious while he is drunk? By remaining mute and indulging in some sort of non verbal physical comedy? Equally I'm confused about on what level, without conversation, you get on spiritually?

CDfm

Monkey61 wrote: »

Okay here is the bit that I don't understand. How on earth do you get on in every other way but conversation?? In what other way can there possibly be to get on well? I am very confused. How can he possibly make you laugh without conversation either??? Hilarious while he is drunk? By remaining mute and indulging in some sort of non verbal physical comedy? Equally I'm confused about on what level, without conversation, you get on spiritually?

Cmon OP can you think of his good points and what things you can do to enhance/ release them.

You should see his good qualities. So he is not metrosexual.So he gets jealous occasionally -is that healthy and cos he loves you or are you just a flirt?