Need opinion and advice

stupidusername

Sorry, this is a long one.

I'm in college, fourth year. I started going out with my ex bf in first year (same course). moved in together after 6 months,been living together since. So its been three years or so. We've broken up. There's a number of things about our relationship that needed to change, and it seems like it couldn't. Still in college with him. Still living with him. Writing that, i can see it definitely looks like an awkward situation. and it is. but i can't afford to move out, and lose my deposit, and don't want to live by myself. And can't exactly leave college with just a few months left after four years. So have no choice anyway but to see him every day. Horrible. Not that we don't get on most of the time anyway, we do. The thing is when i talk to him he thinks its great, and he starts acting like we're still a couple. Other thing is a bit more complicated. . . .

We have a small class. only 9 of us. there's some that don't talk to each other, and some that are never in... and some that are so relaxed and laid back (actually that just about counts for everyone except me). My ex is also one of these. He gets on with most people in the class, although he is quite enough. He has a laugh with all the lads. See my problem is that since we've broken up, he still has a laugh with all the lads, as if there's nothing wrong.

I know some people might take it up as i'm controlling, and don't want him to have friends, but i absolutely do. he never goes out, i'm always telling him he should! honestly, i've never stopped him going out. and i know he'd say the same thing. its not about that. its just that when he's at home with me he's all mopey, and whatever. but then he's in there and he's laughing away like he hasn't a care in the world. And it's all day long. I don't expect him to mope around crying all day. But i just expected that he might be bothered that we're not together.

Ive a lot of things going on, my mam is sick, and i'm struggling with college a lot. and i find it hard to keep going. but when i'm feeling low i look like i'm feeling low. the thing about him is he never looks anything but ok or happy (everyone says he just seems laid back). he'll say he feels ****, and wants us to be together, but surely he can't be feeling that bad when it's so easy to forget your worries once you have someone to have a laugh with?? Can't really mean that much to him can i?

Well the reason this bothers me is because we've been off and on for basically a year, between trying to sort out these problems we have. And in a way he finds it hard to accept that we're not really together anymore, so it's hard to get out of certain routines etc, but if he's still interested in being with me.... why doesn't he show it?? And how can he brush off his problems so easily?

I've said all of this to him many many times. and sometimes he says he understands, and he's sorry but then other times he says he can't mope around all the time, or that just cos he's like that doesn't mean he's not interested in me...

I need an objective point of view. and i want to know if there's any way i could make this not mean what it means to me...?? I want to find a way. but i'm not willing to put aside my principles.And i absolutely do not want to waste my time being with a person after convincing myself he does care and he is bothered, and then have him screw me over ....

Please tell me someone understands all that....??! Help!

Wibbs

You'll get a better spread of answers here I reckon.

dyl10

I think the way your ex-boyfriend acts is common enough for guys in particular after a break up or if they're going through personal problems(myself included).
I have a tendency to act good and laugh on the outside when times are hard, and that's for a few reasons.
I think guys like to keep certain impressions of themselves and moping around other guys really isn't something a lot of us like to do. From my own perspective, when I'm having personal problems, I find it's far easier to force my mind somewhere else when I'm in different company, than having to deal with annoying questions from people I'm not that close with.

I think a lot of men don't like to appear too emotional in public, if I were you I really wouldn't read too much in to his behavior in class. As I'm sure you know, with men in particular, you often have to scratch a lot deeper to get any kind of real insight

starchild

it seems obvious to me from your post that he wants to be with you

1) He is moping around your house
2) he thinks its great when you talk
3) He tells you he wants you back!!

everyone deals with break ups differently,i think the fact that you both still live together and still fall into the same routines means that in both your heads your not fully broken up at all

you seem to me to be insecure as to how genuine his feelings for you are, hence the wonder at how he can act so normal in college etc

some people men in particular are not prone to the grand gesture or declarations of love, i think there are two fundamental issues here

1) Trust : Why can you not believe him when he says he wants you back

2) Your own feelings: Do you want to be with him or not, if you could afford to move from house would you do so and let him go

if yes to 2) then i think you have your answer and need to start living someone more seperate lives even if it means staying at a friends for a while

stupidusername

dyl10 wrote: »

I think the way your ex-boyfriend acts is common enough for guys in particular after a break up or if they're going through personal problems(myself included).
I have a tendency to act good and laugh on the outside when times are hard, and that's for a few reasons.
I think guys like to keep certain impressions of themselves and moping around other guys really isn't something a lot of us like to do. From my own perspective, when I'm having personal problems, I find it's far easier to force my mind somewhere else when I'm in different company, than having to deal with annoying questions from people I'm not that close with.

I think a lot of men don't like to appear too emotional in public, if I were you I really wouldn't read too much in to his behavior in class. As I'm sure you know, with men in particular, you often have to scratch a lot deeper to get any kind of real insight

Thanks for the reply


I could accept that it was something just to cover up things, and to not have people asking questions, but he seems so happy you know.. its not even like a fake happiness...cos i can tell when he's like that.you know uncomfortable, but just trying to get on with things, like the way he is with my family or a stranger or something. but that's like he was before, perfectly fine.

stupidusername

starchild wrote: »

it seems obvious to me from your post that he wants to be with you

1) He is moping around your house
2) he thinks its great when you talk
3) He tells you he wants you back!!

everyone deals with break ups differently,i think the fact that you both still live together and still fall into the same routines means that in both your heads your not fully broken up at all

you seem to me to be insecure as to how genuine his feelings for you are, hence the wonder at how he can act so normal in college etc

some people men in particular are not prone to the grand gesture or declarations of love, i think there are two fundamental issues here

1) Trust : Why can you not believe him when he says he wants you back

2) Your own feelings: Do you want to be with him or not, if you could afford to move from house would you do so and let him go

if yes to 2) then i think you have your answer and need to start living someone more seperate lives even if it means staying at a friends for a while

Well its not that i dont believe he wants to be with me. I do, at times. but the basis for most problems we had when we were together was him not doing anything to make it a proper relationship. and things that made me feel important. So i know i'm insecure, and i know some things were from that, but it wasn't like a proper relationship in many ways, i wasn't happy with it. And i do want to be with him, to a point. not if it means struggling with these things for years more. but the point is i'd be willing to give things another go if a. i could get past this being fine thing and b. he actually showed interest in being back with me

And its not just about not affording to move out, i don't want to live by myself. In a way i couldn't stand not being around anyone.but if i was ok with it and could afford it, i think by now maybe i would've moved out. i've gotten to a point where i felt like tearing my hair out.but needing to move out wouldn't really be about whether or not i could be with him again, it would be about the space as well... even if we were to get together again. But college is over soon, and so we wont be with each other 24/7 for much longer

stupidusername

Any more opinions please???? Really want to get some thoughts on this.....