Wedding blues

LegacyUser

Going unregged, usual reasons.

Ok. I’m getting married in eight months time. Go me. I’ve got a girl I’m head over heals in love with and I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with her. The problem is with the wedding itself.

My girl has a fairly small immediate family, just two brothers, her mam and her dad, but there are also lots of beloved aunts, favorite uncles, cousins out the wazoo etc. I have no problem with any of them being at the wedding, and she’s really excited about having them there, so that’s great. Invites haven’t gone out yet, but her family have so many stories about family weddings that its obvious they all go to each others weddings.

The thing is, I’m picturing her “side” (metaphorical and literal) of the church fill to bursting, and mine next to empty. I have a tiny a family. There’s me, my sister, my mam and my dad. Dad’s only sister died three years ago, and mam was an only child. Add to this the fact that for the past few years I have not been on speaking terms with my mam. She cheated on dad, and manipulated me so she got away with it. She made me cover for her when she was cheating, and I (15 at the time) was so terrified of my parents splitting that I went along with it. Dad found out eventually and forgave her, but I can’t. I guess that’s a whole other PI post. Anyway, I’ve never been an especially sociable person, and only have one close friend who I would invite to the wedding (as best man). I have no other friends to invite.

That’s my story. Getting married, expecting dozens of people on my girlfriend’s side, and maybe three on my side. This is so embarrassing and the idea makes me so sad I wish I could call the whole thing off. Obviously I’m not going to do that, but has anyone got any ideas how I can make this whole thing not so bad???

daiixi

Why do people have to sit on a particular side? Let them sit anywhere and then you won't have an empty side and people sitting 20 rows back on the opposite side... even it out.

Beruthiel

What daiixi said. Don't have sides, let people sit on both sides.
We can't all have big families, there's no shame in that.

On a side note, for your own sake, work on making a few new friends. They can make all the difference in life.

Tell your future wife how you feel, a problem shared is a problem halved.
Just relax and enjoy your day.

Terrontress

I always think weddings are a good time for reconciliations so it might be a good time to turn over a new leaf with your mother.

implausible

Does your wife-to-be know how you feel? Does she realise there will only be a few on your side? As you describe yourself as not very sociable, I'm surprised you are having a traditional wedding at all, but I'm guessing it's for your fiancé's sake. Speak to her about your worries, I'm sure she'd hate to think you're feeling like this.

As one of the above posters said, there's no need for 'sides' at all. Could you up your numbers by inviting people from work or neighbours?

am i bovvered

My wife had a smaller family to mine, please do not let a small issue like this ruin what should be a great day . When you consider mutual that seating plans etc are much less formal these days, it is only an issue if you let it become one.

00112984

OP, we had a very similar situation to you when we got married last year. I'm one of six kids with a huge extended family, my husband is an only child and has a fairly small extended family. On top of that, he's very quiet and wouldn't have as many friends as I would.

While I agree with Daiixi in that you don't have to have everyone on the "proper" side, I know it was something my fella was very conscious of and I didn't want him to feel bad. The way if worked out, if I invited everyone I wanted and he did the same, there'd be a 6:1 ratio on my side.

In the end, we just got a bit brutal with the guestlist. I invited my siblings with partners and kids, aunts and uncles and closest friends. He invited aunts and uncles, cousins (1st, 2nd and in some cases, 3rd!), friends and family friends. He didn't invite people just for the sake of it but people who belonged there and would have been invited all along either. I just cut back.

The key to not insulting anyone is being very black and white. You can't invite one cousin but not the others. You just have to decide on a rule and stick to that.

I knew how he felt and was happy to adjust my side of the list accordingly. At the end of the day, I'd hate to be looking around at my wedding and know that six out of every 7 people are strangers to me and there for my husband.

Obviously, our solution wouldn't work for everyone but, once we agreed on the rules, it was easy enough.

Just on the issue of your parents, I don't know if you're going to invite your mother or what but there are alternatives to the typical top-table structure if you're going for the traditional hotel type reception. You can have your mother sit with your wife's father or you can give each parent their own table of their friends and family to "host" for the day while the two of you along with groomsmen, bridesmaids etc. sit at the top. Don't feel under pressure to have to have her right next to you all day if that's not what you want. I know this isn't something you brought up in your original post but just in case you were wondering how other people came around it.

Lollipops23

when people go to weddings they usually sit with/spend all night talking to their own small group. Like your GFs mates will hang out together,her aunts and uncles will hang out together etc. they prob won't notice that you have less guests; they'll all be too busy celebrating so why don't you stop worrying and do the same?congrats!

Kirnsy

the day is about both of you. im sure if you talk to her about it she will be both understanding and happy to help out by way of suggestions!

LegacyUser

Terrontress wrote: »

I always think weddings are a good time for reconciliations so it might be a good time to turn over a new leaf with your mother.

Does she deserve a reconciliation though? And one extra won't exactly swell the crowd.

kayos

Doing the number for our wedding is quiet funny. While I have a borther and sister my OH is an only child. But her extended family is bloody huge! Do I care? Na... Once I have the people I want to invite invited and she hers then thats the main thing.

ClutchIt

Just have the usher person tell everyone to sit on both sides man

LegacyUser

Congratulations on your new family.

gandalf

To be honest you only really need 5 people there.

You, your bride to be, the priest and the witnesses.

Everyone else is window dressing. I'm getting married in France in July and we're not sure who will and won't turn up given the current economic situation but those that do will get a good day out.

LegacyUser

OP, I can completely understand the situation with your mum and would have to say that as someone who has been in a similar situation I would not "forgive and forget" her for the sake of a day! What she did was wrong and unless you feel you can forgive her completely then you shouldn't have to do this for one day. If you want to invite her do but not because you feel you have to!

In regards to the numbers, most people don't do the traditional seating of groom and bride's side anymore, just have an usher and mix people on the day. Congrats on the wedding and best of luck to you and your future wife.

chuckles30

If it's the thoughts of the look of the church that's worrying you, discuss it with your gf. This happened when my brother got married as his wife had a much smaller guest list than him. We just had a chat with some of our friends and they sat at 'her' side and it finished up pretty even. If you spread the word that people are to sit at both sides and have a couple of ushers on the day, it will work out fine.

If it's an emotional thing rather than an aesthetic thing, you really need to talk to her about it and see if you can come to an agreement.