Forgiveness, moving on

LegacyUser

Hi to all here,

I've been in a bit of emotional turmoil the past few years. It all snowballed out of control with the death of a parent. What seems to have happened here in this instance though is not the prolonged grieving for the loss of the parent. I said my goodbyes and have no unfinished business there. It's to do with resentment towards siblings. I do not know what to do about it, all I know is that I've tried counselling, I've tried the time healing all ills thing. It's almost three years since it all kicked off and I still feel let down and very hard done by for being harshly (and very wrongly) judged, people in glass houses were catapulting boulders.

One of them is in another country but has completely turned her back on the entire family but two, this is in constant fluctuation depending on who challenges her views whereby she will emotionally abandon that person as quick as say hello. The only constant in that situation is that she completely cut all contact with my Mother and myself for differing reasons, but mostly because, I beleive she is mentally ill right now and throwing poison and blame like they physically manifest and you can see them in the room.
I am actually very relieved she is in another country. She instills fear and rejected feelings in me so therefore is a negative I can do without, I physically shake when her name's even mentioned. Yet she is the very person I sought acceoptance and respect from, much like a victim will seek approval from an abuser which it probably is quite similar to.
She's an extremely judgmental and harsh person who uses phrases dripping in sarcastic humour to put anyone down she deems weaker than her, (very common in Ireland and the enabling tool of any great bully)and she succeeded with a flourish every time where I am concerned because she's ten years my senior and she had my Achilles heel pinpointed I think, before I could even speak back. For such a clever, intelligent, witty, yet twisted woman to then study counselling and begin believing she knew what ailed all of us including my parents was another, I felt, of life's cruel tricks being played, the irony of one of the mentally sickest ones out of us choosing to try healing others didn't escape me. Anyways I've obviously huge issues there so rorry for ranting on.

I love them all, her included, cannot help it. Sometimes sh*t just happens in your family and we're cruelest to the people we're closest to and treat them like crap that we wouldn't take from a stranger. I am no angel and am sure have stirred up my own fair share of resentful feelings in them.

What I want to know from you is, how do you work on forgiveness and releasing these feelings. I have tried and would consider myself well read on self help, experienced in exploring how I feel in all areas of life be it materially, spiritually or emotionally, but on this, I am stuck and feel stuck. I don't want to be stuck and I don't want to become bitter as some of my older siblings seem to be but I have to admit it feels like a spreading contagious disease in my family sometimes. I am in love now and life is getting better for me all the time. On discussing this with my partner he cannot understand why, now that we're solid and happy and things are going well for us that I can't just let go of the past, forgive them and move on, and he doesn't mean that in an exasperated way with me and I don't talk to him about it all day every day, he is a good man with good values, he simply means it as it is put, if only I could just do that. He wasn't on the scene when this all happened so he only knows snippets, it truly is too long and boring and Eastenders like and I hate the drama of it all it's really stupid.

I thought I could let go of it, but the feelings won't go away no matter how much I pretend or hope they will.There is one specific underlying incident whereby I did feel completely picked on and intimidated by older siblings (all female...why oh why are women so nuts, I am one too btw ...) but I'd rather not go into too much detail as the end result is the same. Just this feeling of bitterness that I feel is twisting me inside sometimes, sad wagon I really do need to move on...anyway. I have done some counselling as I said but I just feel I've talked as much as I need to about it and I'm more of a do something about it than keep going over it person but this just keeps replaying, almost like a trauma but I guess at the time, it was. I keep saying the "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change" etc prayer as it was an issue for years to try fixing everyone else but the only person (I know this truly now, and am living it) I can change is me.

I am sorry this is so long winded but if anyone can recommend some reading on the subject or something the advice would be welcome. I never ever thought I'd get to this level of bitterness inside me. From my meandering rant, has anyone else ever experienced such strength of feelings toward their family, how do you cope with it, and is there anything you'd recommend doing. I so do not want to be unhappy and would love my equilibrium back but I honestly can't say I am past the resentment, am afraid I'm becoming "one of them" (the bitter and sarcastic ones) and that I'm going to end up giving myself cancer if I don't get some form of release. I do run and it helps, and being in a happy relationship really helps. I even began hypnosis but I am a bit of a skeptic and after a session decided it wasn't for me, I don't trust too easily, plus it's bloody expensive! Am I just being naieve? Do we all get harder and more bitter as we get older, are you all going to tell me to grow up and accept it and move on? Do you think if I ever have a little baby myself it'll soften me up a bit and I'll be so occupied I won't even remember all this?!
Fair enough if you do tell me to get over it, but if anyone's been through similar I'd like to hear from you.

I am so sorry this is so long...thanks

LegacyUser

What a well written post, dont apologise for it -you paint your picture very well.

The way you describe this older sister of yours, I can see shades of myself in there, although I have really softened up over the years and copped myself on. I was also judgemental and able to verbally take people down, which was almost like a compulsion, always having to "prove" I was right!

I was like this for very complicated reasons due to my natural personality and an unhealthy dynamic between my parents, but anyway!

I used to burn with indignation over "injustices" and "wrongs" I perceived family members had done to me, I then used to lecture them on their failings, that snowballed until I was a self righteous a$$h0le who made even myself sick. I was able to stop with people in general but still have difficultly stopping myself with my own family, particularly one "softhearted" naive but as I saw it "gullible" person in the family who never seemed to learn from their "mistakes" of being soft. I believed (rightly or wrongly) that this persons softness and gullability and blind obedience had allowed another abusive family member free reign to violate "my rights"

I know how stupid and self absorbed that sounds but I really really struggled to stop lecturing this poor person over the years.

I would sometimes not visit them in order to spare them the pain of being subjected to my self righteous tirades, it would upset them so much. Then I would relent feeling bad for "neglecting them" and I would visit again determined not to lecture or hurt them, but sometimes I would f**k up and do it. My willpower worked soemtimes but not others.

I would be riddled with guilt and disgusted with myself if I f**ked up and bullied or lectured them. Absolutely despising myself.

Anyway, again and again this person forgives me, I try my very best to keep my mouth in check. I get annoyed when I see them being taken advantage of and tell them how they should have handled things! I sicken myself, why cant I just let them be them!?

Anyway, forgiveness this person has given me over the years has been above and beyond the call of duty, I dont deserve it. It absolutely humbles me to the point where I despair with utter shame.

I post here with my story to show you that on the other side of this "formidable" sister there is a pathetic, weak, self hating person.

You are the strong one.

Whether you decide to forgive only you can judge, I am not religous but it is true.....

To err is human, to forgive is divine.

Good luck

Beruthiel

Heavyhearted wrote: »

Do we all get harder and more bitter as we get older

Bitterness will come only if we allow it to happen. We can all keep ourselves in check with regards to that.
Life does toughen you though, not much you can do about that, it comes with life experience and time. Nothing wrong with being tough, it's needed imo.

You will just really have to teach yourself how to let stuff go.
Your sisters are your sisters. They come with the good and bad.
Nothing I can suggest other than pulling someone up on something when it's said.
The past is in the past though, just let it go.

Adelante

Heavyhearted I wish I had the words to offer to you.
Instead I saw this and thought well... here is my two cents worth imho
http://ie.youtube.com/watch?v=_Z5OookwOoY

Hope it gives you something

Peace and love

Drumpot

I can only comment on my take on what you say.

Without going into a big essay I think its very easy to get into a blame game in some things (speaking from my own experience). I sometimes blame the world or god or somebody else when I really get down and disillusioned with life.

I have a child on the way with a wonderful wife and a great job working with my dad. So whats my problem!

What I have been trying to do this year is try to keep the positive side of things. I think the hardest thing to accept is that we allow ourselves to get so upset. Somebody close to me is a bully (more out of self preservation then just evil, they have had a tough time and struggle to release their frustrations, not excusing it but I understand it) but I see them walk over another person close to me who is too soft to do anything about it. I am in essence their nemisis in a way(dont try your bllsht on me) and to be honest I have simply just ignored them (For weeks at one stage) until they have gotten back to me. You give the power to others when you let them get to you or at least when you let them see that they get to you.

When I was younger I used excercise to avoid the problems rather then "release" my distress. I believe (and this is just me) that when you are really hurting about something you need to emotionally "mourn" the problem. Particularly if its friends or family that are obviously the people who can upset us the most (mentally). I think its a working progress for me, but feel that once you take control of your feelings it makes it easier (not fullproof or easy) to let go of hurtful comments.

I could go on but dont want to bore you with my take on the OP. Hope it in some way helps.

LegacyUser

Drumpot and Unreg

Thanks for your insightful replies. They've given me a lot to think about, especially yours unreg. Drumpot you are not boring! It helps when you hear of others' insight and experience so bless you both for sharing, thank you. I just needed to know I suppose that others can go through this kind of thing too. I live in hope that the hardness inside will melt sometime soon as I am not a spitefilled person and don't enjoy feeling miserable about family. Thanks again guys.

HH