Pregnant- what to do next

LegacyUser

Hi, I have just found out that I am 3 months preganant and have no idea what to do next.
I am 22yo, have long term partner I love and we both have jobs.
I do not want to have a baby right now but will not have an abortion, so I will be keeping it.

I don't own my own home and don't think we can afford to have me not working. I don't know if I can get maternity leave and am afriad to ask becuase everyone in work will know. I won't get social rent money etc since I have a partner I think. I am afraid to tell my parents because I know they think I'm too young and will be very dissapointed.

I wanted to go back to college but now this seems impossible since I will have a baby and no money. I wanted a good career but won't be able to now as the area I wanted to study and work in requires long hours and committment. I don't want to wake up in 10 years and realise that all I have being doing is raising a child. I know this seems heartless and I will love him/her when they arrive, I am so sad that I can't do the things I want to do.

Please help me. If anyone else has been in this situation please tell me how it was.

seamus

Tbh, just first off, I see a lot of, "I think", and "I don't think"'s in your post. So you need to change that and actually find these things out rather than worrying about unknown quantities. Hopefully people here can fill in some of these unknown quantities.

Unregistered wrote: »

I don't own my own home and don't think we can afford to have me not working.

Maybe you can. Work out what you need, see if you can get a bigger place with a slightly longer commute. The rental market is at a good point now and you might be able to get a decent apartment or even a small house, which will do fine for the first few years of your child's life.

I don't know if I can get maternity leave and am afriad to ask becuase everyone in work will know.

If you are working, you are legally entitled to maternity leave. Your employer cannot refuse it and they cannot fire you for requesting it. They are obliged to provide you with the leave and to give you a job when you return. Assuming that your employer doesn't pay you during maternity leave, you will receive statutory maternitty benefit from the state during your maternity leave. There's no need to tell or ask work yet, your maternity leave is solid and covered. Don't tell work until you've told everyone else and you have a plan in place.

I won't get social rent money etc since I have a partner I think.

I'm not sure, but I assume it's means tested. Go find out - ring the department of social welfare and they'll tell you.

I am afraid to tell my parents because I know they think I'm too young and will be very dissapointed.

If you're in a long term stable relationship, they'll be happy for you. Perhaps they might think you're too young, but that's irrelevant now. It'll be a brief blip of disappointment (and I mean a blip as in five minutes, literally) followed by years of proud grandparenting. Particularly if you go to them having done your research and with a plan about how to cope, they'll be proud of you, and they'll offer their support to help you cope.

I wanted to go back to college but now this seems impossible since I will have a baby and no money. I wanted a good career but won't be able to now as the area I wanted to study and work in requires long hours and committment. I don't want to wake up in 10 years and realise that all I have being doing is raising a child. I know this seems heartless and I will love him/her when they arrive, I am so sad that I can't do the things I want to do.

Having a child isn't the end of your life. Once you have a partner and a good support structure around you in the form of your family, then you can go and do anything you want to do and still look after your child.

Nevyn

Congratulations.
22 may be considered 'young' today but it was the age my mother had me
and the age I had my first. It will mean that by the time your child is 18 you will be 40 rather then 50 odd.

Crises pregnancy counseling is not just for those considering abortion it is
to help you what ever you are wishing to do which in your case means helping you access what you need to know.
http://www.positiveoptions.ie/index.php


http://www.citizensinformation.ie/categories/employment/employment-rights-and-conditions/leave-and-holidays/maternity_leave

http://www.citizensinformation.ie/categories/social-welfare/social-welfare-payments/social-welfare-payments-to-families-and-children/maternity_benefit

I'll not kid you the first 2 years are hard with an infant and then you will have the terrible twos and threes but as soon as your child starts school you have a lot more time and maybe able to to back to college.

Considering that no none stays in the same job these days for 10 years,
would it really be that bad to be starting you chosen career a little later ?

There is no reason why you can't be a mam and keep studying with the
help and support of your partner and family. Yes it goes mean your plans will change and that can be upsetting and disappointing as it sinks in but you
will get there, just not on the path you expected.

There is a parenting forum here and a pregnant sub forum as well.

LegacyUser

Congratulations

I was in your position over 3 years ago however i didnt have a partner. I was the same age and felt the same as you regarding abortion and today ive a gorgeous 2 year old daughter.

I was in college at the time but when she was a year old i went back to finish and successfully completerd my degree.

I wont lie to you, it wasnt easy but with the support of my parents and family, i got through it and wouldnt change things for the world.

Telling my parents wasn't easy, they were more supportive than i thought they'd be.
So you might be surprised by their reaction.

Ring the social welfare office and find out what your entitlements are.

As Seamus said, having a child isn't the end of your life. I can definitly vouch for that!

Best of luck

The Corinthian

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi, I have just found out that I am 3 months preganant and have no idea what to do next.
I am 22yo, have long term partner I love and we both have jobs.

Discuss it with your partner. Whatever you choose will drastically change his life too.

I do not want to have a baby right now but will not have an abortion, so I will be keeping it.

There's also the option of adoption.

Benincasa

OP: Best of luck in your situation.

Try contacting Life pregnancy care, from experience they are very moderate and helpful when it comes to assisting people in getting all they are entitled to.

You can find them at www.life.ie

MrsA

You sound as if adoption would be the perfect solution for you.

Consider it, it is not as scary as they make it seem in the movies.

M
xx

beth-lou

First of all congratulations!

I know it's all a shock and it does take a while to get your head around, but it will all work out in the end. I was 27 when I became pregnant, and although I was in a long term relationship, I wasn't ready for kids and it knocked me for six. I think I was in denial about the whole thing until I had my first scan andthen I accepted it and once I did that, I actually enjoyed the pregnancy.

The first thing you need to do, if you haven't done it already is ring your doctor and the maternity hospital you intend to go to. Make that first appointment and just follow on from there.

As far as work goes, Seamus is right, every woman in the state is entitled to maternity leave by law and work can not say anything negative to you about your leave or your pregnancy. You are entitled to be paid for all your GP and hospital visits, so you don't need to take these from your holidays. Maternity leave is 26 weeks or 6 months at the moment. The maximum you can receive fromt he state while on maternity leave is €280. That all depends on how much you earn, so do ring up citizens advice bureau and they can tell you how much you will get. It is up to your employer whether or not they top up your money to make up the rest of your wage. Unfortunately mine don't top me up, so I struggle along on the €280, but we get by.

As far as a career gpes. you can still do that. There are thousands of us mothers still in the workforce, it's just that you have a kid in tow. There is always night college or if you are willing to wait a few years, when your child goes to school you will have the time then. Either way there are ways and means to do things. Your life doesn't stop because you have kids. It changes, but that's it.

I know you feel out of control now and can't see beyond the worries you have now, but it will get better. As soon as you see your baby, every worry you had about money, work, the changes will disappear. They may raise their head again, but you will be surprised at how resourceful you become as a parent and how little trivial things matter when your baby smiles up at you.

Yes it's hard work, but I found it the most rewarding thing I have ever done. I think your parents mightbe a little shocked, but as soonas they see their grandson or granddaughter all worries or negativity go out the window and all they see is this beautiful grandchild.

It is a scarey time, I remember it well, but it will get better. I promise and you will look back and think, what was I worrying about.


For now, first off make your appointments, eat well, get plenty of rest, tell your folks because worrying about telling them can add to the stress you are already feeling and finally when you feel like it, tell them in work. But most of all look after yourself. You are going to be great.

LungeLady

Congrats,

Believe me I know exactly how you feel, I was 20 in college and although in a relationship I was scared out of my mind.

8 years on, I have a wonderful son, my own house, a degree and two masters, a full time job and I run my own business on the side ,,,,,,,, and I split up with his father 4 years ago (we are on good terms, but we were young and unfortunately things did not work between us) !! And i've never been happier !! I have never regretted having my son, he is my world and my drive to make a sucess of myself to provide the best for him !!

I wish you the best in your decision and i'm sure you'll make the right choices

LegacyUser

Hi op here. Thanks for all your advice. Just to clarfiy, I am not opposed to abortion totally- that is not the reason I will be keeping it exactly. I do want children with my partner and think that an abortion would be wrong for me simply because the timing of the pregnancy is inconvenient. Therefore adoption is out too- I will definately have it- I just wish so much that it had been a few years later. I am really just panicking becuase there seem to be so many girls have babies young and don't do lots of things like get degrees and travel. (I have gone to college but need to do another year to get the honours degree.) The stereotype of the young unmarried mother always calls to mind girls who struggle financially for years and make loads of sacrifices which worried me lots. On a good note I researched the company policy and the goverment and it says that they pay full salary minus the 280 which you get for the maternity leave from the governmant - so do that mean I will get both and be paid what I am now? I might be wrong, I cant see anyone being paid a full salary for 6 months?

I am on the list for affordable housing so my friend said I could contavt them and update it to having a child when I do and they might give me house quicker. It would be just cheaper than renting and I could have a bedroom for the baby. I don't want to seem like a greedy person talking about money and getting houses, but to be 100% honest the stress I am suffereing is directly related to these things. Of course I am scared about pregnancy and the baby being ill but really if I didnt need to worry about money and housing I would probably be a bit excited about the baby.

Although I really think my relationship is good, the worst thing that could happen for me would be single mother on benefits, soley responsible for everything and penny pinching and not being able to work because I cant afford childcare. But after reading your posts I realise thats not neccessarily the way it has to be so I am comforted by that. My partner is supportive but he has naturally, like me, assumed that his career, working hours etc will all continue and he wants to go study too and is still going ahead, so I think there'll be no room left for me, I'll be left literally and metaphorically speaking, holding the baby.

Lollipops23

Unregistered wrote: »

I think there'll be no room left for me, I'll be left literally and metaphorically speaking, holding the baby.

can't speak from experience but i know when one of my mates found out she was expecting she immediately flipped into "practical" mode, organising doc appts and all that. her OH was a different story....the first few days he literally spent walking around in a deep state of shock. barely able to speak!after a few weeks he finally started to let it all sink in; it really took him this long to come to terms with it(she was none to happy with this btw, taking on the brunt of everything for those weeks!)but he's really starting to come into his own now.
i'm saying this because your OH may just still be shocked. he may not have realised that it's not just your life that's changing dramatically. Let it sink in for both of you for a bit longer and then maybe have a chat; it's his baby too and it shouldn't be a case of you being the only one making sacrifices.


Oh, and congratulations!!!