How to stop feelings between friends with benefits?

Candlemaker

I've been known to have a higher then normal sex drive and i like to explore and enjoy my youth.
I'm not into any kind of relationship right now and i let that be known kind of clearly. I'm not a jerk about it either. Its always agreed beforehand exactly what this is and how far it will go. It wouldn't normally be just a one night stand we might go for coffee afterwards or talk and always very sexually driven. But the problem is that every time they develop feelings for me and i know that it sounds like i'm being a bastard here but how do i stop that? The women i'm currently with says she knows what it cant be but she can't help her feelings and i'm really in a bit of a muddle here because i love seduction and i love to be charming and say the right words (not in a romantic implying way) but i have a feeling that conversation us probably the root of it. Has anyone else had experience with finding ways to just keep the two seperate because honestly my goal here isn't the hastle of a relationship (the actual reason i'm uninclined to have one is a private matter) but that i really feel guilty as sooner or later feelings are going to get hurt.
I apologise if this problem comes accross as self absorbed or cruel but i feel i cannot keep doing this if feelings are on the line.

Dudess

You can't. If she starts developing feelings for you, move on. As you say, you make it clear you're not interested in a relationship early on, so that's fair enough - things are on a level playing field. She knows where she stands and she can't accuse you of deliberately hurting her if you tell her you'd prefer not to see her any more.

LegacyUser

That's a tough one because we women tend to be wired differently...We find it harder to compartamentalize the way men are often able to when it comes to sex. Not saying that no woman out there can do "just sex" but it's not so common. TBH I think it's probably biological.

At least you are being honest at the begining with them. That said, I think you are going to continue to have difficulty finding women who can continue to meet you for sex on a No Strings basis without them having some sort of feelings* develop. In some ways you might be better off just doing one night stands. I think FWB can be really confusing for women even if they say in the begining that's all they want.

*feelings doesn't have to be the big L word..It could just be jealousy, attachment, etc.

MIN2511

From experience it always happens, one person becomes emotionally attached and the other doesn't feel the same way.
You cannot control another person's feelings, as long as you lay the facts from the start you can run from it... Yes it is mean but if you are not ready for the emotional hassle then you might as well end things before they get nasty.

I have been on both sides and i know the feeling... I have never had a pefect friends with benefit situation... It always ends up nasty... Would love to know anyone who's had any successful one.

Benincasa

Unregistered wrote: »

That's a tough one because we women tend to be wired differently...We find it harder to compartamentalize the way men are often able to when it comes to sex. Not saying that no woman out there can do "just sex" but it's not so common. TBH I think it's probably biological.

Actually the culprit here is the hormone oxytocin. It is more powerful in women and tends to bonds them to their sexual partners in a way that doesn't tend to happen with men.

To be honest I'm not sure you will easily find what you are looking for unless you meet a woman with a lower tendency to respond to oxytocin.

Take care

Dublin_Gunner

As was said above, if she's developing feelings, and you're not interested in that element of it at all, move on. She'll end up hurt, and you'll end up being made out to be a right bastard, and none of it would be intentional.

I actually managed a perfect friends with benefits scenario a few years ago, we slept together a good few times, but we're never an 'item' even though we had plenty of common friends. We just never told anyone what was going on, and quite enjoyed ourselves too.

It can happen, but its rare for it to continue for long without one side beginning to fall for the other - and that might well be YOU if you're not careful! - some women just have a way of being the best thing thats ever happened to you

who007

I've had a couple of good ones. The key is:
1- To make the meet-ups infrequent. Don't make it a weekly thing for either of you to look forward to.
2- Try to see your friends as often as you can so you maintain a "seperate life" from your buddy.
3- Make the "relationship" short - you can only get away with this kind of thing for a limited period before you start to wonder if it's really worth the hassle or either you or she does develop feelings.

panda100

Benincasa wrote: »

Actually the culprit here is the hormone oxytocin. It is more powerful in women and tends to bonds them to their sexual partners in a way that doesn't tend to happen with men.

To be honest I'm not sure you will easily find what you are looking for unless you meet a woman with a lower tendency to respond to oxytocin.

LOL, there is absolutely no scientific basis to that whatsoever.

I have been in lots of situations where I have been physically intimate with a guy and two seconds later they proclaim their love to me, while I dont even want to see them again. I also have been in situations where I have been physically intimate with guys and fallen for them hard while they arent pushed about a relationship.

Its got nothing to do with womens levels of oxcytocin and more to do with peoples personality and attitude to sex and relationships. The OP is obviously a decent bloke, he feels guilty that he may hurt someones feelings. She probably is in to him cos hes a nice guy, moreso than the levels of oxcytocin she is secreting.

OP, the answer is simple, dont see this women anymore. She likes you far more than you like her and meeting up with her just to shag her every now and again is just leading her on.

Benincasa

panda100 wrote: »

LOL, there is absolutely no scientific basis to that whatsoever.

I have been in lots of situations where I have been physically intimate with a guy and two seconds later they proclaim their love to me, while I dont even want to see them again. I also have been in situations where I have been physically intimate with guys and fallen for them hard while they arent pushed about a relationship.

Its got nothing to do with womens levels of oxcytocin and more to do with peoples personality and attitude to sex and relationships. The OP is obviously a decent bloke, he feels guilty that he may hurt someones feelings. She probably is in to him cos hes a nice guy, moreso than the levels of oxcytocin she is secreting.

OP, the answer is simple, dont see this women anymore. She likes you far more than you like her and meeting up with her just to shag her every now and again is just leading her on.

Well, try the following for starters:

Young and Wang (2004) "The neuropsychology of pair bonding", Nature Neuroscience 7, no 10, 1048-54
Kosfeld et al (2005) "Oxytocin increases trust in humans", Nature 435, 673

I never said that it was only oxytocin that was at work, nor did I say that personality and attitudes weren't important. Of course the hormonal side isn't the only thing in play here, and of course emotional and psychological issues will also play a role.

However, it is a simple biological issue that the hormone released during sex will tend to bond a woman to her lover. That doesn't work in every case, and sometimes hormones will affect men more than they do in women. But these exceptions don't take away from the general tendency for physical biology to play a role.

So my point to the OP still stands - it is likely that your lovers are bonded to you for very basic biological reasons (as well, of course, for psychological and emotional ones, which in any event are affected by the biology)

Gyalist

OK, here are some basic rules to follow to reduce the chances of relationship drama.

See her only once a week. Break this rule and she is your

GIRLFRIEND.

Don't be ambiguous about the relationship status.

No dates (i.e. dinner, movies, etc). If you do she is your girlfriend.

No sleepovers. Never stay the night. Regardless of if your are drunk, tired or she begs you to. If she's at your place, ask her to leave. Oxytocin is a bitch. Be warned.

Never text/call her except to arrange your trysts. Calling/texting for random chats is verboten. She is not your girlfriend.

Don't answer/ask personal questions. She is not your girlfriend so it's none of her/your business.

If you have reason to be together in public, there is to be no Public Display of Affection.

If you follow the above and she still wants to upgrade the relationship status tell her "let's just be friends". Don't try to get her to change her mind as the longer the relationship goes on the worse it is likely to end and it will also destroy all chances of remaining friends with her and her social circle. You don't "break up" in this sort of relationship. Breaking up is reserved for your girlfriend.


These are just some of my basic rules for single/unattached women. There are others for married/cohabiting women.

Wibbs

MIN2511 wrote: »

From experience it always happens, one person becomes emotionally attached and the other doesn't feel the same way.
You cannot control another person's feelings, as long as you lay the facts from the start you can run from it... Yes it is mean but if you are not ready for the emotional hassle then you might as well end things before they get nasty.

I have been on both sides and i know the feeling... I have never had a pefect friends with benefit situation... It always ends up nasty... Would love to know anyone who's had any successful one.

I would agree. I never could do it, unless it was for a short time. Short time thing, yea I have had 3 many moons ago. All under 3 months and never did the coupley things as others have advised not doing. In each case the women did start to want more and I don't blame them, though I think one hoped for more from the start. Stupidly I didn't see that and she got hurt. No thanks.

If it goes beyond that short thing as you say someone gets hurt in most cases I've known. Now a lot will say it's the woman who does. I'm not sure, all things being equal I would say it could go either way for either gender, with some bias towards women. All things tend not to be equal though.

IMHO The perception that more women get hurt is down to the "plan" that many women have if they like someone. They'll agree to a FWB situation hoping the guy will change down the line and emotionally engage. It may even be subconsciously too. Men don't tend to do this. If they have a plan, they tend more towards the "if I'm emotionally close to her she'll bone me". So more women may appear to be the ones getting hurt in FWB situations. In much the same way that there are more men in friendzone.

I would agree the oxytocin lark does have some part to play depending on the woman. It's powerful mojo. There are countless good scientific studies and evidence for its impact on emotional attachment, not least in mother child bonding. It's very involved in that dynamic. So while I wouldn't put huge store in it as the only reason, it's hardly nonsense.

One FWB situation I was in, I could see a difference. When we were together and immediately afterward, I was cuddly etc, but after I left I didn't think on it much if at all. She became more and more cuddly and that continued into the rare times we did meet outside the sheets, though she had no interest in a relationship with me. She actually commented that the feelings were beginning to confuse her and we called it a day. That kinda thing happened with others too. Again I reckon the longer it goes on the harder it gets as it begins to feel like a relationship even in those purely sexual moments.

TBH I doubt I could do a consistent FWB thing now. I could probably do the once every couple of months, but no more than that. Or I could do the one off with a woman I liked as a person, but we wouldn't work as a couple, but both of us needed the release and touch of another person for one night. That would be my limit.

Now I've never gotten attached. Made a conscious decision not to, but because I never got attached I found the sex, for me at least, just wasn't up to par. I'd rather sort myself. I suppose I need that connection. Otherwise it's just a transaction or a **** with some convo thrown in. As I say that's just me though.

It can work for some, but I would tread very carefully and an admittedly small sample of women I've known who've tried it, they generally were the ones getting more hurt.

Candlemaker

I appreciate all the advice have given me folks and on a slight tangent might i ask that if someone becomes too attached and in a situation (keeping in mind their best interests) how should i go about letting them down.
I think that just a clear cut off can make people question their self worth and leave them open to bad decisions while,
Choosing to just cut out the sex and remain friends can be confusing and leave feelings hard to get over.

Any women that could shed some light on maybe their own experience?
I unfortunately didn't realize that these never worked out in the end and so i'll be taking everyones advice very closely thank you guys.

nylon

For her sake, I'd recommend cutting all contact. Preface this with a gentle let down, explaining that you don't want to hurt her so it's best if things end now.

She might not be happy to hear it, but it's better for her in the long run.

I've been there, and trust me, the feelings don't go away until the person does.

MIN2511

I am female and this is what i think

1. End things now before they get messy
2. Why not stick with one nighters-no commitment no hassle....

Yes it does become tiring having to work hard everytime you want to score but its much better than the guilt you would fill when fwb gets messy