The Magus of China

Blue-Eyed

I wrote this for my schools literature magazine (which has published a poem and short story of mine the two previous years ) and I'm gonna hand it in tomorrow, but I thought I'd put it up here to see what you boardsies think :pac: . And just for the record, I'm 12 years of age I haven't planned on writing a chapter two or anything, but you never know..:rolleyes:

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The Magus of China

Imagine this. 221 years, before the foretold "event" that's meant to change the world... China..The beginning of the Qin dynasty. The emperor being Zheng Haozi. (Named himself "Shi Huangdi" - "The First Emperor"..full-time show-off if you ask me..)

Life in the Huang He valley was more or less peaceful. Writing had been invented. Paper had been invented. The compass had been invented. Rice and silk farming were full on the go. Taoism had spread and was now practiced by everyone. On the whole it seemed like the best life could offer, right? Well..yeah, more or less. If you don't mind everyday problems, like feeding a family of 12 while trying to pay tax, work 14 hours a day while still trying to maintain a healthy rice crop.

Yup, that's my family. I'm the third oldest. 14 years of age. Name's Biaorui Bei.. (I didn't get a say in choosing it, honest!) My two older sisters have already been married off...I suppose I face the same future sooner or later. Preferably has far later as phsyically possible..

I have 6 sisters, and 3 brothers. Almost feel sorry for the boys, seriously outnumbered, but they were triplets, so I assume they don't feel all that lonely. My youngest sibling is a girl, 2 years. And my oldest sister's 22. ("Happily" married to the neighbouring village's leader's eldest son, 14.)

Life's not easy. Being the oldest still at home, I have to take care of the rest of my siblings, work hard enough to not be fired from my job, help my mom with all the rest of the cooking and cleaning and feeding the chickens..yada yada yada..keep a high standard at yoga, and, still pass calligraphy!

Even so, it seems I have enough spare time on my hands, as it was that day when I sat under the fedan tree, playing Yanoyin. (A game far too complicated as to be explained here.) As it was then, when an unknown force seemed to be thinking, "Hmm ,what a beautiful day! What could I do to make it even more interesting..Oh yea! Maybe I'll just change that girls life forever and see how she copes with it!"
Yup, as said, my life was changed forever on the one afternoon. For better or for worse? No-one will know before it's all over)

If I'd have paid more attention, I might've heard the sounds of the soldiers marching, or the general yelling orders to his troops, or the horses hooves clattering along the only cobblestone street we have in the village. But who cares about sounds?! Not me for the record. I was fully immersed in my game of Yanoyin.

Even so, as the sounds got closer, even someone half-deaf in their right ear would have to put down their game of Yanoyin and go inspect the curious noises, not usually heard in a small village.
Incidentally, the noises were headed towards my family's small hut. Three soldiers separated from the main group and stepped forward to my home. One of them knocked on the wooden door with his large leather gloves.
My mom came to the door, and I flashed a quick smile at her, even though I was too far away from her for her to see me.

One of the soldiers started talking. I was too far to hear what they were saying, but he seemed perfectly calm about it. As I stepped closer I could hear little snippets.
"Your daughter...the emperor...She must..at once...magic..involved!"
I raised an eyebrow as I came to a halt, a good 4 feet away from him.
"But..umm..which..which one? How..I mean..what?..." My mother sputtered.
"Says here her name's..Baiearo..Bai..Biaorui." The soldier said, reading my name from a small sheet of paper.
"I'm right here." I said, folding my arms.
"Well then missy, you'll be coming with us." The soldier gruffly said, turning around, while the two other soldiers stood at my sides and held me by my wrists.

End of Chapter 1

busted flush

not my cup of tea

DublinWriter

Quite good, but try and avoid the Western Colloquialisms and try and write more from outside the character than inside (subjective vs. objective), even when writing in the first person.

Keep up the good work!

magicass

i loved it man, great narrative and beautiful imagery;)

Blue-Eyed

Thanks for reading and commenting! :pac:

-Blue- :cool: