A fun first stanza.,.,. comments welcome

Reilly616

A first stanza. The rest may get written, it may not.

Spouting demagoguery, this colliery of bugger,
This fat man steeped and lost and filled, infused, imbued with history,
Stands high on pulpit preaching, praying, prodding Prods
Then touting tiffs,
O’er transubstantiation’s “Truth”,
O’er triune tribulations, testing thoughts of torpid thinkers.
Ne’er tries to realise the lies he cries,
As wise men’s eyes chastise, despise, and try and try,
Disguise what they imply by their replies, which, by-and-by?
Ne’er uncouth.

magicass

Well done, ive not seen you post here before, keep it up. As regards your first attempt , i personally did not like it , the alliteration was far to regular and it muddled the piece in its entirety. You seemed to be using unnecessary words to describe simple things, sometimes a little is alot. I dont want to sound too critical as i know how hard it is to post on here . I suggest you keep at it and maybe show your work to someone who knows a bit about writing before posting. Keep it up though.

mr magic.

sitout

Reilly616 wrote: »

A first stanza. The rest may get written, it may not.

Spouting demagoguery, this colliery of bugger,
This fat man steeped and lost and filled, infused, imbued with history,
Stands high on pulpit preaching, praying, prodding Prods
Then touting tiffs,
]O’er transubstantiation’s “Truth”,
O’er triune tribulations, testing thoughts of torpid thinkers.
Ne’er tries to realise the lies he cries,
As wise men’s eyes chastise, despise, and try and try,
Disguise what they imply by their replies, which, by-and-by?
Ne’er uncouth.

i kinda agree with magicass. The punctuation and alteration are completely over the top. One gets the feeling that the op had a thesaurus beside him to exaggerate or impress any reader. The continuous rhyming was severely irritating too and totally detracted from the "stanza" as a whole. Again similar to magic asses advice i would say not to get downhearted by this criticism but channel it and learn from it. Maybe seek the advice of a older brother or sister or consult your teacher before your next post. Best of luck in the future.

busted flush

Reilly616 wrote: »

A first stanza. The rest may get written, it may not.

Spouting demagoguery, this colliery of bugger,
This fat man steeped and lost and filled, infused, imbued with history,
Stands high on pulpit preaching, praying, prodding Prods
Then touting tiffs,
]O’er transubstantiation’s “Truth”,
O’er triune tribulations, testing thoughts of torpid thinkers.
Ne’er tries to realise the lies he cries,
As wise men’s eyes chastise, despise, and try and try,
Disguise what they imply by their replies, which, by-and-by?
Ne’er uncouth.

For me it was pretentious to the core.
With no genuine reason to be so.

busted flush

Reilly616 wrote: »

A first stanza. The rest may get written, it may not.

Id say hold though.:D

Mario007

Reilly616 wrote: »

A first stanza. The rest may get written, it may not.

Spouting demagoguery, this colliery of bugger,
This fat man steeped and lost and filled, infused, imbued with history,
Stands high on pulpit preaching, praying, prodding Prods
Then touting tiffs,
]O’er transubstantiation’s “Truth”,
O’er triune tribulations, testing thoughts of torpid thinkers.
Ne’er tries to realise the lies he cries,
As wise men’s eyes chastise, despise, and try and try,
Disguise what they imply by their replies, which, by-and-by?
Ne’er uncouth.

i love, though due to my foreign status i do not actually understand every word, but its very nicely written i must say:D the alliteration is amazing! it shows that you've done your homework with the dictionary:D
but do stop me if i ramble, sir:D

Reilly616

magicass wrote: »

Well done, ive not seen you post here before, keep it up. As regards your first attempt , i personally did not like it , the alliteration was far to regular and it muddled the piece in its entirety. You seemed to be using unnecessary words to describe simple things, sometimes a little is alot. I dont want to sound too critical as i know how hard it is to post on here . I suggest you keep at it and maybe show your work to someone who knows a bit about writing before posting. Keep it up though.

mr magic.

Thanks for the comment. Maybe I should add, this isn't meant to be taken seriously. It's meant to be comically alliterative and verbose. It might be put to music at some point, but I'm no good at writing music right now.

Reilly616

sitout wrote: »

i kinda agree with magicass. The punctuation and alteration are completely over the top. One gets the feeling that the op had a thesaurus beside him to exaggerate or impress any reader. The continuous rhyming was severely irritating too and totally detracted from the "stanza" as a whole. Again similar to magic asses advice i would say not to get downhearted by this criticism but channel it and learn from it. Maybe seek the advice of a older brother or sister or consult your teacher before your next post. Best of luck in the future.

Thanks to you aswel The alliteration was inspired by Tim Minchin. It's sort of meant to be over the top and unrelenting... maybe I should have said that to start with

Reilly616

busted flush wrote: »

For me it was pretentious to the core.
With no genuine reason to be so.

Thanks. That's a pretty positive comment considering what I was aiming for.

Reilly616

sitout wrote: »

The continuous rhyming was severely irritating too and totally detracted from the "stanza" as a whole.

Oh, I forgot, why did you put stanza in quotation marks?

smick

i thought it was dead on not bad for a wee try like but you need ta realy dig down and fill it with substance leik for ecsample write about wats true in your heart and wats close to you cuz writings all about you an u need to find a way to connect wif da peopl or dey wont connect wiv u so stay true to urself know what i mean?

Mario007

smick wrote: »

i thought it was dead on not bad for a wee try like but you need ta realy dig down and fill it with substance leik for ecsample write about wats true in your heart and wats close to you cuz writings all about you an u need to find a way to connect wif da peopl or dey wont connect wiv u so stay true to urself know what i mean?

i think he meant it more like a joke, just to see if he could write a poem with rhythm and alliteration and profound fancy english words:D

Insect Overlord

Apparently even Sylvia Plath wrote some poems just as excercises in technique, rather than for any artistic merit. Apparently...

Reilly616

Good to know