I'm wasting my time, but I can't stop.

LegacyUser · 27-01-2009 9:30pm #1

Hey guys.

I don't really know if I'm looking for advice or if I just need to write this down and get it off my chest.

I met a guy on a night out that I've known for quite a while. We weren't really close in any way, but we met that night got talking and ended up kissing and exchanging numbers. A few days later we started talking by text but never mentioned that night. This went on for a few weeks and we gradually became closer and closer until we arranged to meet up one day. So that all went well, we got on amazingly like we had been for the past few weeks. We were both really nervous so nothing happened until we were leaving each other and kissed again.

Had this been your normal situation I would have nothing to complain about because I couldn't have asked for anything more, we clicked like nothing I've ever experienced, he was sweet, romantic and I was incredibly attracted to him. Of course there has to be a downfall. The girlfriend.

He's been going out with her for quite some time and I know everyone will think I'm a home-wrecking ***** and maybe you're right but I don't know how to stop it all now.

I've fallen for him, big time. We've fallen for each other. At the start it was all just a bit of a joke. Each time we met, we never had any intention of meeting again. (But this is someone I see every day, and when we see each other we just can't keep away.) So at the start, we both made it clear that nothing was ever going to come of it. What happened, happened, and his relationship would not be affected. Some time passed and he asked me if I wanted him to break up with her. I told him no because I still wasn't ready to consider anything more happening with us. By the time I was ready, the idea of breaking up with her had completely left his mind. I know that's my fault because he just got used to having the best of both worlds so I'm not looking to blame anyone else there but myself.

Now, I know already you're thinking - If he wanted you that much, he'd be dating you and his GF would be out of the picture. Things just seem so complicated, if they break up now, we can't publicly be together because everyone who knows us already suspect that something is going on, and if we confirm that then I am, yet again the home wrecker. To add to that, they've bought a house together and pretty much seem to have the whole 'life' together. Who am I to come along and try to ruin that?!

I've asked him time and time again to forget me, to stop contacting and just go on with his life. But all he does is say ok, completely motionless and then tell me how amazing he thinks I am and how sorry he is for putting me in this position. He'll contact me the next day, and when I see him and he looks so down I can't help but respond.

So I guess if I'm asking any question, I'm asking how do I walk away? I've had the most terrible relationships and find it so hard to trust guys, and then this one comes along. My ideal man...........and his girlfriend. I want so much to just shake him and tell him that we've got all these feelings for each other, and we need to do something about it. I want to tell him to stop doing what he's doing to this poor woman.

I didn't set out to destroy their relationship, I genuinely didn't. I when I see her, it sickens me to know what I'm doing to her, without her even knowing. He's my best friend now, I speak to him for hours on end every day, and I don't think I could go a day without seeing him or hearing from him, so how do I stop that? I'm afraid to admit to myself how strong my feelings actually are because then they're real and I'll get hurt. He constantly tells me he's not strong enough to change his whole life around, so there lies no future here, despite my complete desire for one.

Do I have any right to tell him how much I want him and want to be with him?
Or do I change my number and avoid him?

It's probably blatantly obvious that I'm head over heels for this guy. I could spend 24 hours a day 7 days a week with him, and he just would not bore me. But if he hasn't finished it in 3 months, he never will right?

That's all I can come up with right now. I'm so sorry for the long post, I had no idea I was gonna write that much. Thanks a bunch for your time and any replies.

Wibbs · 27-01-2009 9:47pm

Just a heads up, although the subject may be an emotive one for many, please think before posting and avoid the kneejerk reactions if you know what I mean and just stick to advice that may be helpful to the OP. Thanks.

Salome · 27-01-2009 9:54pm

A married man told me he loved me once - he never left his wife though. They never do.

LegacyUser · 27-01-2009 9:59pm

I know right now you think you would happy if he broke up with his girlfriend and was with you. But honestly, the whole time you'd be worried he was doing to you what he was doing to her. My advice is to move on and don't think so little of yourself that you are willing to be a sideline on his life. Everyone has a rubbish time with the opposite sex but that doesn't mean that you won't find somebody in the future who will be more than willing to make you his top priority

Lollipops23 · 27-01-2009 10:02pm

i'm sorry OP but i think he's trying to have his cake and eat it too. he's not going to leave her, they rarely do(if he was going to,odds are he'd have done so by now). this will only get worse for you the longer you stay in it,so end it now.

LegacyUser · 27-01-2009 10:09pm

Walk away, tell him to decide what he wants. And if and only if he leaves his relationship, then he can contact you. As someone who was married for 16 yrs whose husband started on the road your man is on I know the pain it can cause. I don't doubt for a minute that you have feelings for this guy, but just for a second put the shoe on the other foot. How would you feel if your longterm partner did this to you? The hurt is immense, the humiliation, anger, bitterness that comes with it. Do you really want to be the cause of that? Delete his no, ignore his calls. Tell him that you don't want to be a party to his deception. If he thinks anything of you or his girlfriend, he will do the decent thing, either leave her or you. Don't become the bit on the side, the one sitting alone waiting for his call, alone on the important days. be strong and leave this lie.

The Sweeper · 27-01-2009 10:10pm

Break all contact with him. Go on a holiday without him and leave your phone behind. As you say yourself, he has the two of you on tap, so why change it? If you walk out of his life and he comes after you, sans girlfriend, it was meant to be. If he stays with her and doesn't fight for you, you're better off out of it.

LegacyUser · 27-01-2009 10:12pm

He's having his cake and eating it, get away as far away as possible you can. he will not change for you

Weird thing is I'm a bloke and had this happen to me, met a girl I completely clicked with, exchanged life stories et al. Shared many great nights out and sex life was amazing, but she had many excuses for leaving at 4am, as turns out she always was going home to 'him'......

A leopard(ess) aint ever changing their spots!

starchild · 27-01-2009 10:15pm

hey op

when feelings run as high as this its sometimes so hard not to act on them

what you need to do is take control of the situation, if you can distance youself from the emotion of the situation for a minute and look at it as if it was a friend of yours in that position then the answer is simple

you need to stop being with him, he gave you all the answer you need when he said he is not strong enough to change his life around

affairs and break ups are a part of life and many people leave their partners for someone and go on to have hugely happy lives with the new person

if you stop seeing this guy he is going to have to come to terms with the fact that you wont be the other woman and will have a clear choice

- stay with current partner
- or leave for you

either way you will know before long where you stand

John Mason · 27-01-2009 10:31pm

HomeWrecker wrote: »

Do I have any right to tell him how much I want him and want to be with him?
Or do I change my number and avoid him?

you have no rights to him whatsoever but he is obviously not happy and you dont want to be the reason he leaves his partner - you will be the bitch.

anyway, why would you want to be with a man who hasnt got the balls to leave his partner and treat you with so little respect? you need to have more self respect for yourself

change your number and move on

Liam Byrne · 27-01-2009 11:29pm

There's also the "I want what I can't have" aspect to this. Walk away, OP, and find someone who's free to give you a full relationship.

Sugar Drunk · 28-01-2009 11:24am

OP, at the moment he is having teh best of both worlds and loving it. why would he break up with her? - he has you already he will not gain anything more by breaking up with teh girlfriend.

When I met my partner he was with someone else. He was attarcted to me but I refused to have anything to do with him beyond being a friend while he was attached. He broke up with her for several reasons and a few months later we got together.

I would never go near someone who is already attached as once you do they lose the initiative to break up with their original partner. Also you do not want to be the reason for a breakup. You also have to realise that if he did leave her for you after being with you both for a while how can you be sure he wont go behind your back with another girl?

Be strong and walk away. leave the decision up to him and leave him to choose. If he does not break up with her at the prospect of losing you forever then he was never going to anyway and you will know you have done the right thing. You also will no longer be hurting another woman who has done nothing to deserve it

LegacyUser · 28-01-2009 12:30pm

Listen to me, you can stop ifyou want to, you just dont want to.

I know that is hard to hear but you know it deep down yourself.

To stop will take effort, you will need to plan out how you are going to disentangle your life from his.

Saying "I cant because we work together/are members of all the same clubs/have mutual friends" etc etc are excuses, yes they may be true, but excuses none the less.

They are things you have the power to change, it will be difficult, but it has to be done.

You say people around you already suspect, that means the women have already written you off as "dangerous" and the men have written you off as the same, yes when this all blows sky high or fizzles out they will still shag you but none will have a relationship with you.

Mistresses always end up lonley, they start off feeling a frission of immense exitement and narccisistic gratification, after all they are so "irresistable" that the man "cannot help himself" yada yada yada......but in truth you are second best.

You are going to feel a chump when they announce their engagement, move into their house, announce the pregnancy, have the baby etc etc and it slowly dawns on you that he picked her over you....you will spend Christmasses alone and everyone in your family will secretly pity you.

You will be lonely, you will have wasted possibly years, the existing people that know you will be wary of you because you have a reputation.

You can listen to me or discount what I say because its incomfortable to hear and doesn't fit your mistaken vision that you two are "star crossed lovers" twarted by unfortunate circumstances, but you know deep down.

You are making a gilly of yourself -you have a choice to get out of it, you need to start listening to the unpalatable reality and get this silly fantasy out of your head.

dblennon · 28-01-2009 12:46pm

this is advice for the Op,

i know people won't agree with me but why don't you have your cake and eat it aswell,

Since your not in a relationship you could start looking for someone else, someone far better than this guy,

you will have to go through the hurt of breaking up with this guy, but he won't he's in a relationship which he has no intention of leaving, so he will probably move on far more quickly.

once you are open to letting someone new in it will happen most guys are really good at picking up on this.

+ this guy isn't really very good is he, as he is cheating with you on his GF. you don't want this guy and a relationship wouldn't work after this anmount of time.

He deserves a good sticking and you saying that you've met someone else is exactly what he needs.

Storm_rages · 28-01-2009 1:06pm

Op I think you are worth so much more then this!

I think its time to say "look i care about you, i would like to give this a go" if he says "i care about you but i'm not going to break up with her." Then buy your self a really nice pair of boots and walk away (plus you get a really nice pair of boots.

Its hard but we have all had to do it at one time or the other.

Trinity · 28-01-2009 1:08pm

Do they have any children? Why cant he leave his girlfriend?

I fail to see how its your fault that he wont leave. Dont kid yourself into thinking you talked him into not leaving or it was because you gave him those vibes. Hes not leaving or hasnt left because he doesnt have to.
I'm sorry to say that while he might have become attached to you he doesnt feel as strongly for you as you do him. You say you could spend 24/7 with him, whats stopping you? HIM. Not his girlfriend him.

If the feeling was mutual he would leave. I've seen people leaving before, out of love.

You really are settling for crumbs aren't you, such a sad situation to be in knowing hes in bed with her every evening while you are alone.

How do you manage to see him everyday, do you work together or something? How do you see his gf? Is she a friend of yours?

CDfm · 28-01-2009 2:08pm

OP you dont say your ages, whether or not they are living together or have kids but using homewrecker implies they are.Good on to Trinity for pointing the ommisions out because your actions could affect up to 6 and 8 people and their lifestyles- especially if there are kids.

I couldnt go out with a woman who is having sex with someone else. That would be a totally no go area for me.

I am not critcising you but suggest that you list out your options and the probable outcomes.You are not comfortable staying as you are so option 1 is him breaking up with her-like now and be with you. Option 2 is if he doesnt will you end the relationship? However,Option 3 even if he does break up with her there is no guarantee he will be with you -he may enjoy his freedom too much.

So what you have now would appear to be as good as it gets for you and him.

LegacyUser · 28-01-2009 2:21pm

I am, yet again the home wrecker

Has this happened before?

Is it a pattern?

If so you need to ask why.....

LegacyUser · 28-01-2009 3:37pm

Hi OP

Take this advice from somebody who has been there - I met a guy I had been at school with. I moved back to my home town after being away for about ten yrs after college so was just getting back into the social scene here. I met him through work. We clicked - the problem - his long distance girlfriend. I made the decision that while he was in a relationship we could still be friends. This was a big mistake. I fell totally and hopelessley in love with him. I had what was probably an emotional affair with him. He moved away I was devastated. He married her they moved back home. I see him all the time.

I never discussed this with anybody and never felt I was able to share how I felt with anybody because I was guilty. I liked another woman's man. Yes he liked me, yes he flirted, he engaged, he pursued but ultimately I was the one left behind lonely, an idiot and for what? Nothing. I have nothing to show for it. I have taken a long time to move on. I see him frequently as we would have many friends in common. I know he stares at me and follows my movements but that is it. I feel nothing for him now. I think he is a weak man who enjoyed having his ego massaged. The longer I know him the more I realise he would never have been right for me. I have spent almost three years coming to terms with it all. I have grown emotionally. Believe me I never thought I would be the "other woman". I have very strong opinions on this. We are all human though and remember its your happiness that's important.

Men can be funny and not break up with women until they have somebody else lined up. The thing is though they don't need to break up with someone if the person they have lined up accepts their behaviour and allows them to continue in the same manner.

You have to be strong OP and think about this - how you would feel if you were the girlfriend.

Good luck with whatever happens. Stay strong.

LegacyUser · 28-01-2009 4:38pm

Hey all.

Ok for the questions that were asked: we're both mind 20s, they live together but have no kids. When I said 'the home wrecker yet again' I meant that every possible outcome I could think of led me to be the home wrecking bitch. This is not something I've ever done before and as the last unregistered poster said (who's comment I truly appreciate) I do feel very strongly about it. It's not something I get a kick out of, I'm not a cold heartless person. I'm ashamed to know I'm doing something that would crush his GF.

I see him every day because we work together and sit beside each other.
I know her, just to see from around the area.

Thank you everyone for your comments and I really hope most or even some of you believe that I want this to stop, I don't want to see this other girl get so hurt.

The comment that said something about other people seeing me as a threat or knowing my reputation, it's not like that. Our mutual friends in work noticed we like each other, but no one is work knows anything has been happening.

Thanks again everyone, I guess it's just time to accept I have to either be with him or lose him altogether. And I think we all know now which one it has to be.

Liam Byrne · 28-01-2009 6:15pm

HomeWrecker wrote: »

I guess it's just time to accept I have to either be with him or lose him altogether.

Just my opinion, but for what it's worth there's only one thing to accept; no caveats, no "and we all know....."

By giving yourself a choice with the caveat you're avoiding the issue; there is no choice.

Harsh ? Maybe. But look at the first 4 words of your own thread title.

*adele* · 28-01-2009 6:26pm

Its one thing to be with a man without knowing he has a girlfriend but when you are completely aware it starts getting quite cruel. Did the OP mention her age group?
OP, The guy is clearly a sap, if he likes you so much he would have broken up with that poor girl regardless of whether you told him to or not. Its actually ridiculous how he hasnt. If you two really had any connection or future he would have been respectful and honest to his girlfriend before going after you. Could you really imagine yourself carrying on a relationship with this man? How do you know he would have another you in the future and you would be left hurt like his poor girlfriend.

Wibbs · 28-01-2009 6:39pm

The guy has a nice deal going on. He won't rock the boat. He gets a girlfriend for all the girlfriend stuff including the sex angle. He then has a bit on the side where he gets that too, but without the day to day stuff of a relationship. He won't leave her. He's more likely to leave you in fact. You may be more replaceable she's less so, or he would have left. The simple fact is regardless of any excuse he cares to mention, his girlfriend gives him something you don't or he would have left her. You're the passive one in all this.

Fair play to you for trying to stop this and I hope you're successful.

estar · 28-01-2009 9:43pm

listen feeing bad about doing a bad thing does not make it ok.

i feel for you personally but i hate the action.

all the sympathy in the world isnt going to help you though.

as is the case with most complicated situations the answer is very simple.

DO THE RIGHT THING.

sometimes being an adult means doing your duty in the face of pain. it means wanting to do somehting and not doing it.

then after you have done the right thing think why in this world of single men you have chosen (yes chosen) one who is unavailable.

if you have a pattern of men that are bad for you add this one to your list.

as he is the worst. a man that is bad for you that has you convinced that he isnt.

all the romance in the world can't compensate for not being able to be free in your actions.

its like gamblers fallacy in order to justify the deception and lies to yourself the affair is blown up into monumentally massive proportions. he isnt just a potential suitor he is THE ONE.

when in fact he is a cheater a player and a liar.

he goes back agian and again to the well of lies.

and if you get him, he will do the same to you. he is playing you for a fool.

all the words in the world dont cancel out actions. and at the moment he is

cheating on his girlfriend with you. not what he says he will do, not what he says he wants to do or feels but what he actually does will we judge. that is the only real thing you have - the observance of his actions.

feel the power of choice and assert yourself.

LegacyUser · 28-01-2009 10:38pm

Op,

I'm just going to say the way i see it...all the above advice could be right but it could also be very wrong because at the end of the day although relationships may be similar no two are the same.
Reason I say this is because i could be that guy...i.e I'm in that situation myself.
He may be all the things the other posters are saying and 98% of the time going on the typical man thing he probably is having his cake and eating it. I'm not though and maybe he isn't either. I have walked from my relationship a number of times (never publicly yet though). I have seriously been considering finishing it once & for all for about 3 months now and every time i thought i had a the right/best time (yes i know there is the argument that there never is a right time to break someone's heart!!) something serious happened...which just threw the whole thing off course. Anyway for me my relationship will be taking its change at the weekend no matter what happens. I wont be running into the arms of anyone else from the past in near future as I do respect my girlfriend and don't want to totally cut her open but its not fair for anyone to go on in a relationship when one party just isn't in that space anymore. Anyway sorry for ranting i'm just saying you mentioned "Shaking" the guy so do...just go meet him, ask him story, tell him how you feel and then move on either with or with out him - if he leaves her then i would suggest giving him the rebound space before the two of you move forward but he has to make that move first.

I'm wasting my time, but I can't stop.

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