After a break up

MizzLolly

Hey everyone, this is a bit of a different PI, it's more for my friend than me. Basically my friend and her boyfriend have just broken up, after five years together. You can imagine she's very hurt at the moment. The reason I'm posting is because I know she's going through a lot and obviously I want to take care of her but I need some advice on what is best to do. I stayed with her all day today, got her loads of chocolate, let her cry, talk etc..

I know that there's not much I can actually do to help her feel better, when I went through this a while back she was always there for constant reassurance, telling me I deserve better and that it's his loss etc.. The thing is, it is actually very hard to watch her go through it now. She's a lot like me, in that she will do everything she can not to cry in front of anyone, she tries to hide how she's feeling and all but thankfully, she doesn't with me because she knows I understand from before but at the same time, I'm at a loss about how I can actually help her. I know I can't make it stop hurting but it's actually heart breaking to know that she's feeling how I did before. For me, it was the worst thing ever and to think that she's feeling this way now is horrible. How can I make sure I'm doing all I can to help?

I know just by listening and being around will help a little bit but is there anything I can do to help give her a break without seeming insensitive? (obviously, things like going to the cinema and all are out of the question, she'd never be able to concentrate) When I went through a hard break up a while back it did help knowing that I could talk about it over and over to try and make it make sense but I realise that everyone is different.

Basically, I just want to make it better for her. It's horrible seeing her so upset and because she's so smiliar to me, I know she doesn't want to be seen in a mess. Anyway, I'm rambling. Anybody got any nice gestures/ideas to cheer her up? Obviously it's good that she has a good cry and can talk and all but I just want some ideas to give her a break aswell at the same time.

Thanks.

Stheno

What about a girls night in, with girly movies, drinks, loads of chocolate, and maybe do a makeover with each other?

There'd be no pressure to go out or look good, you could both slob about in comfy clothes eating ice cream and chocolate, and watching soppy movies?

MizzLolly

nouggatti wrote: »

What about a girls night in, with girly movies, drinks, loads of chocolate, and maybe do a makeover with each other?

There'd be no pressure to go out or look good, you could both slob about in comfy clothes eating ice cream and chocolate, and watching soppy movies?

Haha that's already been organised for the weekend.

Great minds

Salome

What about a roadtrip - head off for a few days down the country - climb a mountain - plenty of time for talking. You can roar your heads off in the middle of nowhere - great release!!

And it's nice to get out of town - away from him.

HugoIrl

I think the main thing is to keep her occupied, try avoid the whats wrong with me questions.

anonymous_joe

Keep her busy, and don't let her do anything silly. Rebound if you catch my drift.

From personal experience, people do things they seriously regret after break ups. You're never feeling balanced afterwards. Just keep an eye on her and don't let her do silly stuff you know she'll regret later. (I know the week long alcoholic haze I induldged in had some nasty side effects mar shampla. )

MadgeBadge

Perhaps not a popular answer, but I found getting drunk helped. Not like in the morning or anything. Just having a few (loads) drinks with my best friends and watching random crap to keep my mind off things.

It's a crap time, she's lucky to have you.

CathyMoran

I went through a horrible break up at the same stage as your friend a few years ago and was very upset. Allow her to feel that it is OK to be upset and that it will take time. My parents were freaked when I was still upset after a month and it really freaked me. She also looked at the situation and in our case said that she did not think that it was the end - I know that may have been unique to us but look at the situation yourself. As you can see we got back and are very happy.

jellie

be there when she needs you & give her space when she needs it too. its hard to always be asking someone what theyre up to when all you want is some company but dont wanna feel like youre putting them out. weekends are usually the hardest, during the week you have work to keep you occupied, so maybe make plans for the weekend - haircut? shopping? trip somewhere? itll take time. sometimes she'll wanna talk about it, sometimes itll be the last thing she wants to talk about cause its all shes thinking about.

shes lucky to have such a good friend

tbh

MizzLolly wrote: »

Basically, I just want to make it better for her. It's horrible seeing her so upset and because she's so smiliar to me, I know she doesn't want to be seen in a mess. Anyway, I'm rambling. Anybody got any nice gestures/ideas to cheer her up? Obviously it's good that she has a good cry and can talk and all but I just want some ideas to give her a break aswell at the same time.

Thanks.

you sound like a really good mate Listen, be there for her as others have said, but don't forget - she needs to go through the pain to come a healthy person on the other side. This is something she has to go through - be careful of trying to "distract" her from this. All you can do is be there for her, and listen to her and support her. All things shall pass.

John Mason

yeah, i also think you should give her some space and let her sort things out in her head.

With you continouesly filling her time, she wont have any time to sort things out mentally.

Otis Driftwood

A couple of years ago my best friend went through a really tough breakup.He had been with the girl around 4 years and TBH she was a wagon.She wouldnt let him go out when she was out,was quite demeaning to him and was extremely demanding.They had a torrid time including a miscarriage and Im pretty sure she was cheating on him.I took an immediate dislike to her but as the saying goes you have to love who your friends love so I didnt say anything until after they broke up.He was in bits cos he wouldnt be that confident when it comes to women and she was his first actual "meet the parents" girlfriend.Anyway,all I could do was listen to him when he wanted to talk,make myself available for pints when he fancied it,I even went to a strip bar with him which really isnt my scene or just leave him be when he needed some personal time.It really is up to your mate how to do things but as others have said,she is lucky to have a friend as caring as you.

Whispered

Hi Lol,

I wont get too involved in answering this coz I know you're a secretive little biddy and wouldn't want family getting involved :P. All I can say is that I promise you she will feel better with time. Don't be suprised if she seems fine for weeks then seems to relapse. It's totally normal. Best thing you can do is listen, then listen some more.

She has to go through a certain thought process including anger, wondering what she did, regret etc she may even distance herself from her friends for a while, so don't worry if she does that. It is just a way for her to gather her own thoughts.

I would second the trying to get out of town for a few hours and go somewhere for a good scream. Oh or maybe something like the zoo, spend a full day wandering around.