Am I attracting them?!

LegacyUser

I think ive had a revelation that I cant quite understand...

The last 4 guys that I have been in a realtionship with or seeing for a relatively long period of time have all had some degree of mental illness - these range from anxiety to depression, to suicidal to most recently a relapsed alcohol and drug addict (who was also suicidal with anxiety problems!!!!)... its beyond me how I keep ending up with these guys, I havent known anything about their mental health problems until well after ive started seeing them, dont get me wrong, they have all been lovely guys, and I have never been treated badly by any of them...

They've ranged in age from 21 - 33 and I've met them in various places from your standard 'met in a club' to online dating, and I wouldnt say I have a 'type' of guy as such... they ranged from students to chefs, all outwardly very social guys, loads of friends, no tragic family lives, just different circumstances that have left them with these often crippling illness's to deal with...

Personally I (think!!) I have a healthy mental health, I have the standard insecurities and some slight trust issues after a bad break up many moons ago but nothing I would think is out of the oridinary, nothing I would consider enough to send me packing to the nearest counsellor anyway

I always accept these guys for who they are and have never broken it off with them when they have told me about their illness's, I try to be as supportive as I can but all the relationships have ended for one reason or another, none that I can think have been directly related to their health!

To give you a vague picture of me - my profession isnt in any way connected with health care or the health care system, im a female, in my early twenties with a good job. I would consider myself to be independant, have been living out of the family home for a good few years now, including a year or so living alone when flatmates got too much... so, I guess my question is, am I somehow attracting these guys?!
And if I am, how on earth am I managing to do it? It starting to wreck my head!!

LegacyUser

Sorry op but if you are expecting some 'feelgood' message to make you feel better about yourself well all I can say is get over yourself. Why do you stigmatise those with mental health issues? Get off your highhorse and stop making out that people that suffer from depression, anxiety and other issues are somehow cracked or inferior. Up to 20% of the population can suffer mental health challenges at any given stage in their lifetimes.

I am one of those and even though I used to take medication I no longer need to because I have learned to notice the signs and deal with it accordingly. I would never get into a relationship with someone like yourself who was completely ignorant to the facts and lacked basic understanding and compassion. BTW I would consider myself much more headstrong and mentally together than most because I have to deal with so many challenges.

CeilingCat

I posted about this recently in the Ladies Lounge forum. Myself and a friend were wondering exactly the same thing, ie why do we keep seeming to attract guys like the ones you've mentioned. They always seemed well balanced and normal for the first while but as time went on, these issues started to surface.

Her take on it was that it's because we try to 'fix' them, and it turns into a whole co-dependent dynamic. I would add to that, that we ignored the red flags, because we could see that they were good people underneath. Myself, I have a problem with just writing someone off because they have difficulties.

That said - as you get older and wiser you have to put your foot down and have some self respect... its one thing when they know that they need help and are willing to get it. You can work with that. If they're in denial though, and won't help themselves, you have to realise that they probably will always be like that, and think about moving on. We're not their doctors or their mothers after all.

Don't underestimate low self esteem - it can keep you stuck in a situation like that for a lot longer than you should be.

Splendour

FatalAttraction wrote: »

I think ive had a revelation that I cant quite understand...

The last 4 guys that I have been in a realtionship with or seeing for a relatively long period of time have all had some degree of mental illness - these range from anxiety to depression, to suicidal to most recently a relapsed alcohol and drug addict (who was also suicidal with anxiety problems!!!!)... its beyond me how I keep ending up with these guys, I havent known anything about their mental health problems until well after ive started seeing them, dont get me wrong, they have all been lovely guys, and I have never been treated badly by any of them...

They've ranged in age from 21 - 33 and I've met them in various places from your standard 'met in a club' to online dating, and I wouldnt say I have a 'type' of guy as such... they ranged from students to chefs, all outwardly very social guys, loads of friends, no tragic family lives, just different circumstances that have left them with these often crippling illness's to deal with...

Personally I (think!!) I have a healthy mental health, I have the standard insecurities and some slight trust issues after a bad break up many moons ago but nothing I would think is out of the oridinary, nothing I would consider enough to send me packing to the nearest counsellor anyway

I always accept these guys for who they are and have never broken it off with them when they have told me about their illness's, I try to be as supportive as I can but all the relationships have ended for one reason or another, none that I can think have been directly related to their health!

To give you a vague picture of me - my profession isnt in any way connected with health care or the health care system, im a female, in my early twenties with a good job. I would consider myself to be independant, have been living out of the family home for a good few years now, including a year or so living alone when flatmates got too much... so, I guess my question is, am I somehow attracting these guys?!
And if I am, how on earth am I managing to do it? It starting to wreck my head!!

Guys like this will be attracted to a strong woman. You need to read 'Women Who love Too Much' by Robin Norwood.

Das Kitty

OP, I think it's that you're attracted to them also that you're getting into relationships with men with mental issues.

There wouldn't be a relationship unless both parties were attracted to one another.

I have a brother who has always (except for one) gone out with women with mental illnesses. The last time his current g/f was in the psych ward her psychiatrist asked to talk to him and told him that he shouldn't be with her if he just wants to fix her (he says this a lot) our Dad has a list as long as your arm of mental issues and the psychiatrist told him that the two are probably related. 'Course I only heard about this because my brother rang me ranting about what a "quack" yer man was.

I'm not saying that this is what it is in your case but just some food for thought.

FX Meister

CeilingCat wrote: »

Myself and a friend were wondering exactly the same thing, ie why do we keep seeming to attract guys like the ones you've mentioned.

Maybe you are attracted to them, not the other way around? Quite possible.

MagicMarker

Unregistered wrote: »

Sorry op but if you are expecting some 'feelgood' message to make you feel better about yourself well all I can say is get over yourself. Why do you stigmatise those with mental health issues? Get off your highhorse and stop making out that people that suffer from depression, anxiety and other issues are somehow cracked or inferior. Up to 20% of the population can suffer mental health challenges at any given stage in their lifetimes.

I am one of those and even though I used to take medication I no longer need to because I have learned to notice the signs and deal with it accordingly. I would never get into a relationship with someone like yourself who was completely ignorant to the facts and lacked basic understanding and compassion. BTW I would consider myself much more headstrong and mentally together than most because I have to deal with so many challenges.

I have no clue what thread you're reading. Maybe try not to take every post you read as a personal insult when it's clearly not intended as an insult to anyone!!

cantdecide

I think this falls into the look after #1 category. You're not your brother's keeper and you should be prepared to act at the first sign that all is not as you thought.

LegacyUser

Das Kitty wrote: »

OP, I think it's that you're attracted to them also that you're getting into relationships with men with mental issues.

There wouldn't be a relationship unless both parties were attracted to one another.

I agree with this. I know many women that go out with men who basically need them to tell them what to do - mammy syndrome. They give out about yet, from what I can see, they are strong women that pretty much seek out men that they can tell what to do.

So both parties are suited to each other really.

Wibbs

Das Kitty wrote: »

OP, I think it's that you're attracted to them also that you're getting into relationships with men with mental issues.

There wouldn't be a relationship unless both parties were attracted to one another.

I have a brother who has always (except for one) gone out with women with mental illnesses. The last time his current g/f was in the psych ward her psychiatrist asked to talk to him and told him that he shouldn't be with her if he just wants to fix her (he says this a lot) our Dad has a list as long as your arm of mental issues and the psychiatrist told him that the two are probably related. 'Course I only heard about this because my brother rang me ranting about what a "quack" yer man was.

I'm not saying that this is what it is in your case but just some food for thought.

I'd tend to agree with both Das kitty and FX Meister on this. It does take two to tango. What the psychiatrist reckoned was at play I've seen myself. I can think of any number of people that appear to try to "fix" in adulthood what they couldn't fix in their childhood. More women, though that could just be the people I've known. The common obvious one is a woman whose dad left when she was a kid, who then goes on to pick precisely the kind of guy who will leave. It serves two purposes for her. 1, she can try to fix it this time around and 2, when he leaves(they usually do) it confirms what she already believed; Men leave. Powerful feedback loop that one. Same deal with people who consistently go for cheaters. Each time they think this one will be different and each time that they're not, they at least bask in the satisfaction that they were right.

Now as has been pointed out 20% of the population will suffer from a mental illness at some point and that does not mean that they are unhealthy people in relationships either, but it's not so much the illness in question as to why you feel you consistently appear to end up with these type of people. It could be pure fluke and coincidence, or it could be that you're attracted to qualities in men who have gone through this, or you're attracted to the idea of fixing them and codependence.

All that also leaves out how you feel about yourself and what you feel you deserve.

It's probably something though. I mean if I looked back and all my exes were natural redheads, I think it would be safe to say I like and select natural redheads.

You have to figure out why you go for these men, if indeed you feel you do. If it is an underlying feedback loop thingy, then you will be attracted to these men more than others. It'll be largely subconscious too. I would say to anyone that feels they keep on ending up in unhealthy relationships that have the same pattern, they are the ones that are selecting those people for the most part. It can be hard to resist though as you will feel the "spark" for precisely the type of guy who will repeat the pattern and will tend to ignore or get bored with the guy who won't. Or you'll even try to make him into that image. That's happened in my life with one woman I can think of. She was convinced all men are cheaters. Her daddy was(how obvious was that?). She would on a damn near daily basis, try to push me into such behavior by her actions. I never did, it's not my thing, but I wouldn't be surprised that years later she thinks I did. In the end she was the one who cheated. With a married man. Rinse and repeat.

CeilingCat

CeilingCat wrote: »

They always seemed well balanced and normal for the first while but as time went on, these issues started to surface.

FX Meister wrote: »

Maybe you are attracted to them, not the other way around? Quite possible.

Yes, quite possible. However, I've noticed the same happening personally with people I wasn't in a relationship with, friends both male and female. Also with guys who were interested in me but the feeling wasn't mutual.

I don't think the point here is to prove who has more issues than who - the question seems to be, whatever the mechanism is that seems to come into play - how to spot when it is happening and do something about it. For me - it didn't necessarily stop happening after I started sorting out my issues, I just developed a much lower patience threshold for it and wasn't as inclined to let it carry on.

Monkey61

Unregistered wrote: »

Sorry op but if you are expecting some 'feelgood' message to make you feel better about yourself well all I can say is get over yourself. Why do you stigmatise those with mental health issues? Get off your highhorse and stop making out that people that suffer from depression, anxiety and other issues are somehow cracked or inferior. Up to 20% of the population can suffer mental health challenges at any given stage in their lifetimes.

+1

Considering the amount of people who suffer from depression, anxiety etc, it's not surprising that you have managed to go out with four people who do. Perhaps your revelation should be that many people from many different walks of life can suffer from many different health problems.

Depression, anxiety and drug/alcohol addictions are all very different problems. And I think you are seeing significance where there isn't. any It's a bit like wondering why your last four boyfriends have in turn had diabetes, glasses, asthma and a peanut allergy and wondering what you are doing to attract such fault specimens.

If these guy's problems have in no way affected your relationships with them or the break ups, there really isn't any reason to dwell on them.

If you had asked why your last four boyfriends had abused you or stolen from you - then one might want to delve further into what sort of character you are attracting - but four guys with a range of very common conditions isn't really a cause for alarm.

nomorebadtown

What you are forgetting OP is that everyone is fucked up in some way. EVERYONE. In my experience anyway there is not an adult out there who does not have some kind of issue, demon, skeletons, quirk etc and the day you meet someone who seems like they dont, in the long run he's probably gonna get you to put lotion on your skin. Lots of lotion.

pwd

This makes me think of "games people play", which is a sychology/psychoanalysis book which puts forward the idea that most people subconsciously see out those who play the same mental games as them. The mental games here being

mind games, in which people interact through a patterned and predictable series of "transactions" which are superficially plausible (that is, they may appear normal to bystanders or even to the people involved), but which actually conceal motivations, include private significance to the parties involved, and lead to a well-defined predictable outcome, usually counterproductive.

(quoted from wikipedia)

MissHoneyBun

FatalAttraction wrote: »

I think ive had a revelation that I cant quite understand...

The last 4 guys that I have been in a realtionship with or seeing for a relatively long period of time have all had some degree of mental illness - these range from anxiety to depression, to suicidal to most recently a relapsed alcohol and drug addict (who was also suicidal with anxiety problems!!!!)... its beyond me how I keep ending up with these guys, I havent known anything about their mental health problems until well after ive started seeing them, dont get me wrong, they have all been lovely guys, and I have never been treated badly by any of them...

They've ranged in age from 21 - 33 and I've met them in various places from your standard 'met in a club' to online dating, and I wouldnt say I have a 'type' of guy as such... they ranged from students to chefs, all outwardly very social guys, loads of friends, no tragic family lives, just different circumstances that have left them with these often crippling illness's to deal with...

Personally I (think!!) I have a healthy mental health, I have the standard insecurities and some slight trust issues after a bad break up many moons ago but nothing I would think is out of the oridinary, nothing I would consider enough to send me packing to the nearest counsellor anyway

I always accept these guys for who they are and have never broken it off with them when they have told me about their illness's, I try to be as supportive as I can but all the relationships have ended for one reason or another, none that I can think have been directly related to their health!

To give you a vague picture of me - my profession isnt in any way connected with health care or the health care system, im a female, in my early twenties with a good job. I would consider myself to be independant, have been living out of the family home for a good few years now, including a year or so living alone when flatmates got too much... so, I guess my question is, am I somehow attracting these guys?!
And if I am, how on earth am I managing to do it? It starting to wreck my head!!

I'm not sure if this is the answer you're looking for but to be honest your entire post comes across as self-righteous and indignant. You do know that a relationship by it's very nature operates on the interactions between TWO people, not one. So to assume that the demise of your relationships (up until your recent epiphany) has been as a result of one person's problems, smacks of somebody with very little self-awareness.

As I am of the opinion that no-body is perfect I'm sure that you have brought many of your own issues to the relationships that also led to their downfall. Just because your issues are not as clearly defined as someone with a textbook medical problem OP, does not mean you can underestimate their equal effect on your relationships. Your input is equally as valid as somebody elses.

You seem quite condescending when you describe these men as ''lovely guys who never treated you badly'' as though you almost expected them to, given their mental health problems. I think you need to rid yourself of pre-conceived notions regarding sterotypes, as they are often untrue and destructive in themselves. You then say "I always accept these guys for who they are and have never broken it off with them when they have told me about their illness's". I'm baffled by this sentence -OP, people aren't given medals for going out with anything less than Prince Charming.

As I said earlier, no-one is perfect and we all have our crosses to bear, some more than others. It does not mean we congratulate ourselves for being such a wonderful human being for going out with somebody less than perfect. That attitude is just naive and if we were all to be so shallow then I reckon there'd be very few of us in relationships.

Very interestingly you say "To give you a vague picture of me" and immediately follow it up with a reference to your profession... People aren't defined by having a "good job" as you call it and I think you'll find the best of people in all sorts of jobs, good/bad and everything in between. Also, you might do well to look past making assumptions about people based on their occupation, as again they are quite often untrue.

I'd also like to clarify OP that you shouldn't immediately classify yourself as "independant" simply because you no longer live at home. I know many independant people who are yet to leave home and conversely, many people with their own place who are entirely dependant on the company and opinions of others. Are there any other reasons you might like to offer that might convey your independance? Because to think that by having your own place means your an independant type is quite a simplistic interpretation.

You also mention that you lived alone "when flatmates got too much" -did all of these people have mental health problems too? Or is it possible that your own personality might have had some bearing on this situation?

Basically, what I'm trying to say OP is that you are clearly shocked at the prospect that you might actually have some responsibility when it comes to determining what happens in your life:

FatalAttraction wrote: »

so, I guess my question is, am I somehow attracting these guys?!
And if I am, how on earth am I managing to do it? It starting to wreck my head!!

I think you need to accept the fact that 1. Men are not perfect. 2. Neither are women. and 3. That instead of looking to what others are bringing to your relationships, look firstly at what you bring. As ultimately, only you can make the choices that determine your life, nobody else.

Good luck.

Nevyn

Are you worried that you come across as odd and / or unstable ?

CeilingCat

FatalAttraction wrote: »

these range from anxiety to depression, to suicidal to most recently a relapsed alcohol and drug addict (who was also suicidal with anxiety problems!!!!)...

I always accept these guys for who they are and have never broken it off with them when they have told me about their illness's, I try to be as supportive as I can but all the relationships have ended for one reason or another, none that I can think have been directly related to their health!

To give you a vague picture of me - my profession isnt in any way connected with health care or the health care system

Try to cut the OP some slack here.

It is absolutely terrifying when someone close to you is suicidal. It's soul destroying to be involved with an alcoholic. It's not easy to just decide not to let it affect you - it does. It affects all aspects of the relationship, it becomes the focal point of the relationship. Not being able to ever relax because of the worry, never knowing whether it's going to be a good or a bad day, never knowing if it's going to get worse. It's painful and frustrating watching someone you love go through it, and not being able to help them. They may or may not be abusive; if they are, you have that element too.

I don't think it's unreasonable for someone to want a healthy relationship - wanting that doesn't mean that they're condemning everyone who has mental health issues.

I've seen enough threads where people have stated - 'well I'd never date a fat person/foreign person/someone with kids/someone of a certain religion... but that's just my personal preference' - and they get a pat on the back for their honesty. Yet someone posts to say that they'd like to get involved in a healthy relationship for a change and they're slated for being down on people with issues. Double standards much?

I've also seen threads by people with alcohol and other problems coming on here lamenting the fact that they're hurting the people they care about - and all the replies they get are to the tune of ' cop yourself on and sort it out or have the decency to leave your OH'.

It's fair enough when someone realises there's a problem and gets help for it. But for every one of those, there are several who refuse to get help. For some people, getting help is the last thing they want, because they have a nice cosy set up going of always being the centre of attention and having their needs put first, always having everyone worry about them and having an excuse for their bad behaviour. Do the people who have genuinely sought help even want to put themselves in the same category as these people? Stop generalising.

The title of the post btw was not 'They're all mad and it's definitely not my fault' - it was 'Am I attracting them?' She was asking for advice.

And the only reference she made to her profession was to point out that it wasn't in the healthcare industry.

OP - my advice to you would be, work on your own self esteem. And stay really alert to the alarm bells from day 1 of the relationship. It's 100 times harder to disengage from a relationship like this than it is to decide not to get involved in the first place.

gilmour

MissHoneyBun wrote: »

I'm not sure if this is the answer you're looking for but to be honest your entire post comes across as self-righteous and indignant. You do know that a relationship by it's very nature operates on the interactions between TWO people, not one. So to assume that the demise of your relationships (up until your recent epiphany) has been as a result of one person's problems, smacks of somebody with very little self-awareness.

As I am of the opinion that no-body is perfect I'm sure that you have brought many of your own issues to the relationships that also led to their downfall. Just because your issues are not as clearly defined as someone with a textbook medical problem OP, does not mean you can underestimate their equal effect on your relationships. Your input is equally as valid as somebody elses.

You seem quite condescending when you describe these men as ''lovely guys who never treated you badly'' as though you almost expected them to, given their mental health problems. I think you need to rid yourself of pre-conceived notions regarding sterotypes, as they are often untrue and destructive in themselves. You then say "I always accept these guys for who they are and have never broken it off with them when they have told me about their illness's". I'm baffled by this sentence -OP, people aren't given medals for going out with anything less than Prince Charming.

As I said earlier, no-one is perfect and we all have our crosses to bear, some more than others. It does not mean we congratulate ourselves for being such a wonderful human being for going out with somebody less than perfect. That attitude is just naive and if we were all to be so shallow then I reckon there'd be very few of us in relationships.

Very interestingly you say "To give you a vague picture of me" and immediately follow it up with a reference to your profession... People aren't defined by having a "good job" as you call it and I think you'll find the best of people in all sorts of jobs, good/bad and everything in between. Also, you might do well to look past making assumptions about people based on their occupation, as again they are quite often untrue.

I'd also like to clarify OP that you shouldn't immediately classify yourself as "independant" simply because you no longer live at home. I know many independant people who are yet to leave home and conversely, many people with their own place who are entirely dependant on the company and opinions of others. Are there any other reasons you might like to offer that might convey your independance? Because to think that by having your own place means your an independant type is quite a simplistic interpretation.

You also mention that you lived alone "when flatmates got too much" -did all of these people have mental health problems too? Or is it possible that your own personality might have had some bearing on this situation?

Basically, what I'm trying to say OP is that you are clearly shocked at the prospect that you might actually have some responsibility when it comes to determining what happens in your life:

I think you need to accept the fact that 1. Men are not perfect. 2. Neither are women. and 3. That instead of looking to what others are bringing to your relationships, look firstly at what you bring. As ultimately, only you can make the choices that determine your life, nobody else.

Good luck.

fantastic post, exactly what i was thinking when reading the op's post.

nomorebadtown

nomorebadtown wrote: »

What you are forgetting OP is that everyone is fucked up in some way. EVERYONE. In my experience anyway there is not an adult out there who does not have some kind of issue, demon, skeletons, quirk etc and the day you meet someone who seems like they dont, in the long run he's probably gonna get you to put lotion on your skin. Lots of lotion.

This is the truth.

I always accept these guys for who they are and have never broken it off with them when they have told me about their illness's, I try to be as supportive as I can but all the relationships have ended for one reason or another, none that I can think have been directly related to their health!

So the problem is............?

Monkey61

CeilingCat wrote: »

Try to cut the OP some slack here.

It is absolutely terrifying when someone close to you is suicidal. It's soul destroying to be involved with an alcoholic. It's not easy to just decide not to let it affect you - it does. It affects all aspects of the relationship, it becomes the focal point of the relationship. Not being able to ever relax because of the worry, never knowing whether it's going to be a good or a bad day, never knowing if it's going to get worse. It's painful and frustrating watching someone you love go through it, and not being able to help them. They may or may not be abusive; if they are, you have that element too.

I don't think it's unreasonable for someone to want a healthy relationship - wanting that doesn't mean that they're condemning everyone who has mental health issues.


It's fair enough when someone realises there's a problem and gets help for it. But for every one of those, there are several who refuse to get help. For some people, getting help is the last thing they want, because they have a nice cosy set up going of always being the centre of attention and having their needs put first, always having everyone worry about them and having an excuse for their bad behaviour. Do the people who have genuinely sought help even want to put themselves in the same category as these people? Stop generalising.

Firstly, the OP very clearly said that none of these guys issues had an negative impact on their relationships and had nothing to do with the break up!

And secondly, could I just ask how many people you know that suffer from mental illness and "getting help is the last thing they want" because they like the attention!! Are you insane? Have you any idea how horrendous it is to suffer from any kind of mental health issue? "A nice cosy set up" are you joking?

LegacyUser

OP here

I have been watching the thread since I posted it a couple of days ago and to be honest some of the replys really were quite hurtful - its clear ive got some peoples backs up which was never the intention whatsoever. It was never meant as a personal attack on any one or group of people. I know people have a lot of questions for me but I am a fairly well known poster on boards and I'm afraid answering a lot of these questions would give away who I am, which I definitely dont want to do.

Mods - I would appreciate it if this thread could be locked.

Wibbs

Locked as per OP request