Husband hasn't wanted to have sex in over 3 years...

LegacyUser

It's been years since my husband and I have had sex. To say that it's starting to bother me would be an understatement. The issues, whatever they are, are on his side, but he refuses to discuss them. Some possible casues I have considered.

1) Physical problems for him? (impotence)
I've ruled this out since he does seem to masturbate sucessfully.

2) Gay?
I have a good "gaydar" and would bet everything in my bank account on this not being the case.

3) Drastic change for the worse in my appearance?
I take pride in my appearance, dress stylishly, am well groomed, visit the gym 4 times per week. I'm still the same weight as I was before I got married.

4) Affair?
This one I can't rule out. He does have opportunity with frequent business trips and such..
Yet I haven't seen any of the usual signs.

When I try to discuss the lack of sex he changes the topic or says things like "We aren't teenagers anymore.." Well, that is true but I am only in my early 30's. I would never want to be a teenager again, but I would like to enjoy some sex before I die!!!

We have kids, so I just don't think I could put them through a divorce. I've thought of having a discreet affair, but that just seems so disrespectful...and risky. I don't know what to do anymore. Any ideas??

metrovelvet

Sometimes eros leaves a partnership. For it to come back you need a little darkness. Get mysterious and unavailable. See if that will trigger the hunter brain. He could just be bored. Familiarity and all that....

username123

omg conventlife, thats awful for you.

The only solution for you is to confront him on the issue. Tell him how seriously you feel about it - that you are considering a discreet affair or a divorce unless it is addressed.

He is clearly in denial if he is passing off 3 years of no sex with comments about not being a teenager anymore.

Is he under any kind of stress or had any illness?

What was your sex life before the drought? How frequent, did it stop suddenly or just phase away over time?

Blubbles

I feel for you, thats a very tough postion to be in but you have to think about your own needs! If you are not willing to leave him because of your kids then have an affair.

Whats to say he isn't having one, 3 years is too long. Go and have yourself some fun!!!!!!

Persiancowboy

Hi op

can you pinpoint anything specific that might have happened to trigger his lack of interest in sex? Any finacial or job-related problems? any bereavement in his family?

also, has he lost interest in just sex or in you? Do the two of you still go out together or do you in many ways lead increasingly separate lives?

I am intrigued by how you are able to say that he can masturbate successfully!! - how do you know this? He might have male libido problems - getting him to admit this and dealing with it probablt won't be easy.

BleedTheF!FtH

Viagra!

LegacyUser

The drought started after the birth of our younger daughter. She was one of those infants who NEVER slept more than 2 hours at a time, for many months. During those days we were both so exhausted sex just wasn't a priority. But she is four years old now and has been sleeping through the night for years.

I know he masturbates because I've woken up in the middle of the night when he was doing it. 've also seen "physical evidence" of ejaculation...Sorry to be graphic. I've also noticed that he often has an erection in the morning. When you live in close quarters with someone it's easy to know those things.

Before we had kids are sex life wasn't exactly the stuff of porn films, but it was adequate. It's not like a have a huge libido and expect him to have me swinging from the chandeliers every night. I'd be happy with sex once or twice a week...

I've tried to press the issue and he always says he wants to talk about it LATER...He is the type who would react very badly to ultimateums...

Maybe I'm too proud, but I refuse to beg.

Homer

BleedTheF!FtH wrote: »

Viagra!

Did your mother never tell you, if you've got nothing useful to say then say nothing at all?

Lollipops23

OP don't be ashamed of seeing this as a huge issue. it is. a relationship needs initmacy as well as communication; you're getting niether if these right now. he's shutting you out and denying you any answers. You need to give an ultimatum, if even just to scare and answer out of him.

Wibbs

BleedTheF!FtH helpful posts only please. Read the charter.

seamus

convent life wrote: »

The drought started after the birth of our younger daughter.

Was he present for the birth?

I've tried to press the issue and he always says he wants to talk about it LATER...He is the type who would react very badly to ultimateums...

You don't necessaryily need to give him an ultimatum, but don't let him avoid it or decide he wants to talk about it later. Basically just tell him that later is unacceptable and that the issue is going to split up your marriage. Because that's what will happen - it's not an ultimatum, it's a fact.

I personally would say that staying together in this situation for the sake of your child will do more damage to the child. In my experience of people I've known, children who grew up in houses where the parents had no intimacy (or who even hated eachother) come out far worse than children whose parents had the good sense to call it a day and remain friendly.

I'm sorry to say it, but from what you describe, my gut sense is that he's not attracted to you any more. I've heard a number of stories of men who've seen the uglier side of childbirth (i.e. from the doctor's perspective) and have found themselves completely disgusted/turned off their partner since.
It's not unfixable, but it'll go nowhere if he won't talk about it.

Dublin_Gunner

That is a terrible situation for you to be in.

You say you've tried to consult him on the matter, and he brushes it away with silly comments.

Have you expressed to him how important this is to you, and you feel your relationship is now lacking because of it? To let it go for 3 years may have been a mistake too. He's now set in a routine for the past 3 years, and YOU need to try break that.

Have you suggested counselling? It may seem daunting, but it is an option, as I believe you are in a very serious situation now.

If you are worried about an affair going on - confront him directly about it. Either that, or start trudging through his e-mails and phone to try find out what you can.

On the completely selfish, self satisfaction orientated reply would be to go out and get some for yourself - even just to tied you over. But then of course political correctness and moral values come into question......

Stheno

seamus wrote: »

Was he present for the birth?
You don't necessaryily need to give him an ultimatum, but don't let him avoid it or decide he wants to talk about it later. Basically just tell him that later is unacceptable and that the issue is going to split up your marriage. Because that's what will happen - it's not an ultimatum, it's a fact.

I personally would say that staying together in this situation for the sake of your child will do more damage to the child. In my experience of people I've known, children who grew up in houses where the parents had no intimacy (or who even hated eachother) come out far worse than children whose parents had the good sense to call it a day and remain friendly.

I'm sorry to say it, but from what you describe, my gut sense is that he's not attracted to you any more. I've heard a number of stories of men who've seen the uglier side of childbirth (i.e. from the doctor's perspective) and have found themselves completely disgusted/turned off their partner since.
It's not unfixable, but it'll go nowhere if he won't talk about it.

The OP says they have more than one child tho?

It could be a routine that her OH has gotten into after the birth of their youngest daughter, in that sex became such a non priority that it's no longer important to him?

Or that due to the amount of care/attention the daughter's constant waking up required that he has lost interest in his wife as a sexual partner at that time and has been unable to rekindle it?

Das Kitty

OP could this be directly related to the birth of your child (and not the sleepless aftermath)?

I know of certain men that find it hard to think about sex with their wives after they have given birth, especially if they have witnessed the birth, although this is not always necessary.

You really need to force the issue out in the open though, 3 years is far too long to be sitting on something like this.

Good luck

LegacyUser

My husband was present for both births. This didn't seem to be an issue after the first birth. In other words, following the birth of my older child, our sex life returned to normal after about one month. For both births he stayed up by my head. He wasn't down where the doctor was watching the "gory" stuff. Anway, he's not the squeamish type.

LegacyUser

By the way, one the lamer excuses he gives is that it's a cultural thing. He says I don't understand because I'm not originally from Ireland (I happen to be American.) Now come on!! It's true I didn't grow up here, but to say that everyone in this country who is married and in their 30's stops having a sex life is utter BS. I may be naive but not that naive!!

Dublin_Gunner

Its obviously an excuse - and a bad one at that!

He may have other confidence issues or one of the other many explanations thrown about this thread, but regardless of the reason, it needs to be fixed.

At least for yourself

milkerman

Option 4 is the most likely, sorry. The whole baby thing can be a major turn-off particularly when combined with lack of sleep, money trouble or your partner smelling of babysick! An affair provides excitement, romance and sex. As for the 'usual signs'? Well, in my case the usual signs only became obvious with the benefit of hindsight. Cant afford to walk away? Welcome to the club!

You need to sort this out by talking to him and not accepting a put-off. No hot dinners, no ironing, chucked out of bed or other measures until he is willing to face the issue if need be.

Life is too short, sex is a major part of it - dont let anybody waste your life, you only have one afterall.

Good Luck.

Beruthiel

Blubbles wrote: »

I feel for you, thats a very tough postion to be in but you have to think about your own needs! If you are not willing to leave him because of your kids then have an affair.

Whats to say he isn't having one, 3 years is too long. Go and have yourself some fun!!!!!!

Totally unhelpful post.

louisecm

I think you have got to talk to him about it. I'm not suggesting you beg, or that you give an ultimatum, but if he gives you the "wanting to talk about it later" thing then I think you need to point out that this issue effects you as much as it effects him and you are entitled to a conversation at the very least.

I think the counselling suggestion is a good one as well, you deserve a healthy sex life.

nomorebadtown

convent life wrote: »

By the way, one the lamer excuses he gives is that it's a cultural thing. He says I don't understand because I'm not originally from Ireland (I happen to be American.) Now come on!! It's true I didn't grow up here, but to say that everyone in this country who is married and in their 30's stops having a sex life is utter BS. I may be naive but not that naive!!

Yep, thats total BS.
The sex has dried up but is there any kissing, cuddling or holdin hands going on?
It doesnt look good OP.
If the roles were reversed and you had become disinterested in sex post child birth everyone would understand, support you and tell you its totally natural. Since its the guy who has lost interest the consensus is that he no longer fancies you and is probably having an affair.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

LegacyUser

Donegalfella, are you talking about a "Madonna/Whore" complex? I kind of doubt that's the issue. He's not religious. If that were his problem, I'd think the drought would have started after our first child was born.

We are polite and friendly to each other and do talk. Yes, we do things as a family. There is occasional physical affection, but not much. Honestly I'm so frustrated by the lack of sex that I don't feel all that cuddley with him.

As I said, you couldn't pay me to be a teenager again. I'd never expect us to be having sex like bunnies, but once in a while would be nice. I'm mature enough to realize that an affair could be a potential disaster and would do nothing to solve the larger issue. On the other hand, I am not ugly. It is frustrating to me because other men do seem to find me attractive (they often make passes at me..)

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

starchild

your really in a quandry with this, unless you can find a way to get him to open up to you & discuss, it could go on and on.

If you could get him to tell you what he thinks about while masturbating you might get an inkling of what turns him on, this can change dramatically from time to time

as a matter of interest does he look up pornography on internet

from reading your op i wonder is the spark just gone out of your marriage & perhaps both of you are just staying in it for the kids

Persiancowboy

OP

Despite what some of the replies have suggested and despite what you yourself might suspect, it is not necessarily the case that your husband's lack of desire in sex/you can be attributed to the fact that he is having an affair. Chances are he isn't. I would suspect that if he was he would be trying to deflect any such suspicions by doing his best to ensure that you had no grounds for so believing. I'm afraid his issues are more likely around his sense of where he and his marriage/life are at right now. THis has the hallmarks of a type of mid-life crisis.

The Corinthian

Another possibility that has not been raised here is resentment, which typically is related to reproduction, money or ego. Essentially it's where one partner imposes something on the other, who in turn can do fück all about it.

For example, in the case of reproduction; a couple nominally agree that they will have no (more) children, wife 'accidentally' gets pregnant and decides for both that it will be kept. Alternatively, a couple nominally agree that they will have (at least) one child; then one day hubby comes home with the snip. Either case, there will be resentment because of this - combined with a feeling of betrayal.

Financial resentment is another possibility. For example; hubby loses his job and ends up sitting in front of the TV while the missus does the housework (and potentially earns a living too). Alternatively, one person I know married on the understanding that there would be two incomes. When his wife had her first child, she naturally took time off. She never went back to work. To add insult to injury, when they bought the family home, he ponied up for it (and now pays the mortgage) - she had an apartment (rental investment), but refused to sell it to help buy the family home. I know he resents her for these things, and get the impression that it has affected their relationship, both in and out of the bedroom.

Ego related resentment is kind of a broad category which would include disrespectful behaviour (putting the other person down on a regular basis, micromanagement, general contemptuous behaviour).

Whatever the reason for the resentment, it is different to the reasons that the OP mentioned in her first post, because in all those cases, a man (or woman) will still likely make an effort. I've been under pressure in work and sex has been the last thing on my mind, yet I will 'do my duty' because ultimately it is for the benefit of someone I care about.

If, on the other hand, you resent them, you really are not interested in doing them any favours.

If there has been practically nothing in three years, then the effort is not being made. This is not to suggest this is what has happened with the OP, only that it is a possibility and one she should consider, especially in light of this.

Please note, that, even if so, this does not rule out an affair - the two often go hand in hand.

Miss Fluff

If there is no intimacy to start with, it's a tough call to "magic" up a sex life all of a sudden.

I can understand your hurt and resentment but maybe it's time to start with baby steps as someone else suggested, hand holding/cuddling in bed/massaging his shoulders etc would be a good start without it having to lead to sex necessarily. Do you ever have date nights or go away together, just the two of you? It would be a good start.

If he is unreceptive to that then you really both need to go and see a professional imho. Hate to say it but I think most men who "go off" sex are getting it somewhere else. http://www.mrcs.ie/psychosexual_therapy.html

Slutmonkey57b

Beruthiel wrote: »

Totally unhelpful post.

I don't agree. It might not be a "nice" suggestion but it's not unheard of and an uninterested partner turning a blind eye isn't unknown. The OP has clearly got to the point where she has to do something, and if she won't force him to talk about it, then that's one of her options whether people agree with it or not.

LegacyUser

Slutmonkey57b wrote: »

I don't agree. It might not be a "nice" suggestion but it's not unheard of and an uninterested partner turning a blind eye isn't unknown. The OP has clearly got to the point where she has to do something, and if she won't force him to talk about it, then that's one of her options whether people agree with it or not.

+1, tbh. Whilst I understand Beruthiels 'conventional' reaction, maybe the solution isn't conventional, either.

My 0.02. Married 15 yrs, 2 kids, etc etc. But for a period in the interim, a long period, (and I don't think it's kid related, tbh) we were what you sounded like. Now there was still sex, but sporadically, and what there was, was........completely unsatisfactory, tbh.

Even the SO would openly agree that the sex were having was....boring. All too often she'd say 'just have the sex', in a 3rd party kind of way......and let me indulge, but with no participation from her.......which made me even more.....resentful/angry/dissatisfied. It was just going nowhere.

And then, through a (weird) twist of fate, I found myself in the position of being able to have an affair, with a person who was open minded, was alone, and neither wanted nor expected me to give up anything. We were simply, and she'd been devoid of any intimacy for 3 years, both a huge release for each other. It lasted.....3 mths ?.....and she came out of her 'shell' and went her own way, and I turned back to home.

For a start, now knowing that the status quo on the sex front was not 'normal', another curious thing happened - we woke up to it. I started saying the sex was crap, and that we had to fix it. So we did. First things, she gave up the Pill, and I did something I'd been threatening to do for a long time, I had a vasectomy. (curiously, this reminds me that she was the absolutely most amorous when pregnant, i.e. off the Pill....coincidence? I think not)..........Anyway this was like a weight lifted from my shoulders, and ditto the Pill, for her. The combination of those three events has been life-changing.

Cut a long story short, we are now like two energiser goddamn bunnies. Which is good. Very good. We are also now very, very relaxed, and she's now very interested in sex. In a way she never was, even when single. This she openly admits, and she puts it down to the Pill. She now also makes a positive effort to be........sexy...and I do my bit. We cannot keep our hands off one another now. Too much, sometimes !! We openly talk about sex now, getting risqué even, to the point she has actually said she wouldn't have blamed me if I did have an affair! Ironic, huh ?

And no, I haven't told her. There's no need. What was broken is fixed, it's just the tools weren't inside the relationship.

So for me, the 'nuclear option' was a lifesaver.

All my 0.02c, as they say.

LegacyUser

Seems like he is just bored no spark, and its just mechcanical sex - when it gets chore like its not worth doing
Maybe thats his viewpoint - he does seem very closed off
It might take you doing something spicy to kick start him again


OP (a total left field theory) maybe your husband is deliberatley setting you up to have an affair to get out of the marriage.
If he gets evidence of it - he'll get more (money etc) ??

Armadillo Sho

Hiya Op,

I read this thread yesterday and I could not stop thinking about your position and what you should do.

Like you said, he is not Gay nor does he have any physical problems, i also don't think he is having an affair. My reason for this is that if he had an affair with another woman, he would not find himself in need to masturbate in the middle of the night when he knows that you might wake up and see him do it. If he did have an affair, he would have just waited till the next time he met his mistress.

I really don't think he is doing anything behind your back, I simply believe that his lust for sex has gone and he is probably very frustrated that he is in that position. And the reason why he has a hard time talking about is probably because you are going to ask questions that he cannot answer, and its not like he doesn't want to, he probably does not know what to say as he does not know why he has no sex lust. The danger with this is that the more he suppresses it the harder would it be for him to talk about it and let along find some form of help for it.

Your best bet is to maybe talk to him and say that you feel that there are some issues in your relationship that must be dealt with and that you feel that it would be a good idea to deal with these issues with an professional... like relationship counselling. See what he says... if he does not want to participate, you will have to give him an ultimatum in a way that he would listen and you know your husband better then anyone here, so i am sure you know how to talk to him where he actually listens...

But I really don't think he is cheating on you, you guys just need to talk and counselling is probably the best way to go.. at least then you will have an objective person listing that might be more of a help then you or him think. And please remember, he loves you, and I am sure he is very angry with him self about this, he just does not know how to talk about it. Besides if wanted to go off with the other women he would not have stayed so long.

I am really sorry for the long post, .. and I hope it will all turn around.

Let us know how things end up...

Thanks,
L

mrmac

Not sure where to start....
I do not think he is having an affair, and strongly suggest you DO NOT have one either!

I think your situation has just become "normal" for him, and perhaps for you as well?
I mean you mention that you don't really have any physical contact, no touching, no cuddling. Without any form of intimacy, it's easy to become detached. This does not mean you've lost your feelings for that person, it just means you're not being stimulated by them. After time, this can become "normal".

I also agree with the fact that having little eyes and ears in the next room, can be off putting. Lack of opportunity, again if over an extended duration, can also lead to a lack of interest.

There are so many things which could explain the drought, but I don't think your situation is unique, just not openly spoken about.

So, what to do about it?

Well ultimatums are never good! You suggest that he'd probably react badly, and you'd be right, you know him best - so don't do it!
I'd start off by making some sutle changes to YOUR behaviour. Make little changes to your interactions with him which allow you to touch him, not sexually, but not like a stranger. Hold his hand when out shopping, ask him to hold your hand if you have too. Put your hand on his thigh when out in the car (his thigh I said!). Make a point of giving him a kiss when ever you part company, in the morning for example, and last thing at night before you go to sleep (especially if you're both in bed - but remember, don't be expecting sex, just see what kind of reaction you get). There are loads of ways you can touch him, just start trying. (I love having my hair brushed by my wife - big jessy!)

After a few weeks of this kind of contact (yes weeks!), say that you have a load of things "on your mind" that you'd love to talk to him about. Suggest getting a baby sitter in, and going out for a drink together, just the two of you - no meeting up with friends! If he asks you what these "things" are before going out, say that you love him but understand that you've drifted apart a little bit in recent years, and that you really want to grow closer as a couple again, and that you want his help. Do not push the issue about sex, you can speak about that when you're out and alone. It's sometimes easier to talk about these issues if outside the home, without distractions. I know it sounds like you have to "make an appointment", but so what?

I hope this helps, but I can't detect any anger or bitterness in your posts, so I believe you still want to stay with this man, so there is hope!

LegacyUser

I'm actually in the same position as your husband so wanted to give you my 0.02 as it were

I've been married for about 8 months now but for the last 2 years or so my desire to have sex has completely disappeared.. I just don't get the urge anymore and once in a blue moon I feel like masturbating but that doesn't seem to be about pleasure so much..

It's very difficult in the sense that I know my wife wants more sex and I do "put out" but it's very infrequent (months between sessions) and I tend not to "emotionally\desire wise" get into it until I am actually already started..

I have talked it out with my better half quite a bit at this stage and I am lucky that she is so understanding. I don't know for definite what has caused the change but I have my suspicions.

When I was younger I was sexually abused. I spent a few years in therapy and thought I had dealt with the major issues this caused but I think it has now had repercussions for my current situation. When I am single and in the early stages of the relationship I have a very strong libido. I had sex and lots of it.. But once I got to the stage where I was falling in love with someone my libido would always start to drop off.

With my wife it was the first time I really got to a very serious level of "in love"-ness and this is where it first dropped of to nearly nothing. Best I can figure is that for me sex isn't actually a "loving act" and when I am in a relationship with someone I love sex isn't something I want to have with someone I love.

The big problem this had for our relationship is that when she first wanted to talk to me about it I found it very difficult. I'm the sort of guy that can talk openly about anything usually but in this case it just felt so awkward to talk about it. Lack of sexual anything (ability, size, desire etc.) for a guy seems to be a tough thing to talk about without feeling very uncomfortable. I can understand why your husband has had difficulty talking about it because it's just so hard to explain and in my case I don't have a clear reason why I don't want to have sex. It's not like the thought of sex makes me think x, y or z. It's an absence of something which is much harder to understand.

It's easy enough to say why you don't like something, it's much hard to describe the absence of a desire to do something in the first place, especially when you do actually like it once you get going!!

I'm not saying this is the case with the OP's husband at all but it is possible that there is some component that her husband doesn't even know is affecting him. Maybe he suddenly sees her now as his child's mother and that feels weird on some level to him that he doesn't even know is going on. Maybe he's just out of the groove or suffering from depression (which again can really affect libido).

The way we finally got talking about it properly was after a fairly big discussion (she was in tears by the end of it) I agreed to at least go see a doctor to see if it was anything physical (there are a few real issues that can cause a sudden lack of libido in a man such as hormone issues) and once we had ruled that out I realised on some level that I had no choice but to start really talking about it with her..

My recommendation to the OP would be to try and create an atmosphere conductive to a proper chat, maybe by starting out by chatting about other unrelated but important relationship things. Once you are in a proper open chat then gently try and bring it up. you might still find that there is a recoil reaction but I can fairly guarantee that he already feels terrible about it and knows he's got a problem that he has to face (he just hopes he doesn't have to face it right now..)

Hope this helps.. I'm happy to answer any questions you might have for me

VeryBerry

Just throwing it out there, but is there any possibility that your OH has contracted a long-term STD and he's too embarassed to tell you? Could be completely off the wall...but if there's the possibility he's had an affair...

I know its a bit out there. But to me, 3 years no sex, and the fact that he won't even talk about it, indicates that something is seriously wrong.

I hope it all works out for you OP.

LegacyUser

I have read this tread earlier and returned to post now as I have a similar issue, albeit I am the husband.

Firstly, I am not the sort of person to post a problem like this, or indeed post in such a public forum, but the original poster struck a chord with me. I feel her pain, and funny enough I would almost like to offer her a hug.

I'm married to a very attractive woman, 5 years we have a wonderful family, we holiday, socialise, work and play all together, we have a wonderful home, thriving work and would be considered comfortable, and just as everyone else we have all the worries many families have about the future, economy, finance, etc.

We started out before marriage with a fantastic sex life, a really amazing sex life actually, for a good few years, it just got better and better, this continued, and leveled out, then over time as we were so secure and happy sex dwindled, it went over a long while to the point that sex is actually not on our collective minds, always with her work as the route cause of blame for her lack of interest in me sexually, I always accepted this, my performance never dwindled, we always had sex until we both climaxed simultaneously, sometimes for hours, other times in minutes, but when she orgasmed only then would I, so performance would not be the problem, However she hasn’t worked in over 3 years and sex has not returned. This has been the case for all the while now, and despite making many efforts, sex is not on her radar.

We are both very attractive, intelligent caring people, I still stop often during the day and look at my wife and think wow she is gorgeous, sexy, and I often have erections from her, and desires to have her, but its not wanted. It’s very upsetting but I deal with it, as she must have things on her mind, and I often hope she would share them.

Now its been months since we had sex, and before that months again, in all its been like this years. I like you don’t know the problem and cant find the fix.

I am in my 30’s, in shape, tall, presentable, fasionable, smartly dressed, healthy, hygienic, funny, I shave, I never broke any mirrors, and never got turned down for a dance in my early years!, I still attract other women, often on business lunches or dinners out in the many eateries of Dublin I am hit on by females older and younger that I work with, I just would never have a discreet offside encounter with anyone I knew, or where it could haunt me. But I have considered it. On that note I would never pay for sex, nor would I even desire for sex as a financial service, ever.

I find now I am considering a sexual encounter with a similar woman more, and think in the right situation, with someone, like another poster said, someone who wont expect or need anything more from me, someone also married but in a sexless relationship, I might go offside.

My wife wont talk about our problem, and so we don't go there anymore, life is still excellent, and we get on great, I am mad about her, and feel she is also with me. So we will never separate, and life goes on, and it’s blissfully happy. However at this stage I feel if I did go "offside" on an occasion just to have sex again, with someone safe and secure, I really feel I wont be doing something so bad, I have tried everything else to make it right at home.

My point is it took me a while to come to terms with this strange frame of mind; I'm posting here Convent Life because if like me you have tried everything, and then just know, there is no shame in a careful, safe private liaison.

I fully agree with the latter poster who shared his honest .002 cents.

I appreciate this is not to everyone else’s liking, and I will get corrected, but my comments are to Convent Life.

mrmac

Excellent post.
When all else fails, can love alone, without intimacy or sex, keep a relationship together?
Can someone be critised for seeking an affair, with no intention of leaving or wishing to hurt their partner?
Interesting.

Silverfish

Tinpower banned for 7 days.

LegacyUser

Hi,

I thought I'd share my story with you in case it helps. My wife has a fairly low sex drive and after our child was born (15 years ago), she just lost interest. I, on the other hand, have a large sex drive. My self-esteem was affected by this because it's not nice not to be desired by your other half. So I eventually drifted into having an affair with a girl I worked with who was about 12 years younger than me. Suddenly I felt sexy and desireable again. It had a great effect on me. All of a sudden, I realised the problem wasn't with me.

And the knock on effect was that I felt more confident and sexy and my wife noticed this and responded and I believe it was the saving of our marriage.
So if you are going to have an affair, for God's sake, be discreet. And use the benficial boost to your self-esteem to fix your marriage.

LegacyUser

convent life wrote: »

I've also noticed that he often has an erection in the morning.

its called morning wood

every guys gets it

Nevyn

Arousal does not equal wanting to have sex or consent to have sex.

LegacyUser

Yes, I've heard of the "morning wood." I only mentioned it to illustrate that my husband is physically capable of getting an erection, which would lead me believe that there is no problem with impotence.

There could be psychological issues...the mind and body are connected of course. Since he refuses to talk about it I can't really know.


as for what "unregistered" from yesterday was talking about...I actually do feel attractive and sexy. That's not the problem here. I think an affair might be fun on a physical level but it would probably leave me feeling bad about myself.

LegacyUser

Well don't let the situation continue as it is. I'm the man in a relationship and there's been nothing between myself and my wife for over 5 years. Not a cuddle, not a hug, not a kiss. I know now that I'm going to leave her even though we have children. Like you I tried talking about it but she doesn't want to know. For three of those years I would have done anything to get her to make love, now I resent the whole episode and if she suddenly declared she had an urge again after so long I'd tell her to take a cold shower.
The longer it goes on the more it'll fester. Your marraige will end if you don't go for counselling. The big issue here is DOES HE LOVE YOU. I think not, if he loved you he'd want to be closer to you, and the longer it goes on the less you'll love him.
I really wish you luck. Don't have an affair. Take this through the proper channels, counselling, your GP, a weekend away without the kids, and finally give him a serious kick up the ass with an ulimatum that you'll leave if it doesn't change.
Good luck, and just be aware you're not alone in this situation. Partners do change unfortunately and don't see the hurt their actions cause the other partner. I haven't had an affair and have remained celibate but I've run out of all options at home and will probably divorce over it.

LegacyUser

Whether he is bored or not is irrelevant OP.

EVERYONE gets bored in a long termer, the deal is you are with someone for sex, yes for love and other things maybe. But the reason you agree not to have sex with other people is that you are having it with each other.

IF that agreement is broken by one party, ie they decide to withdraw sex and refuse to discuss it, then the original contract is broken. They cant have it both ways if you go elsewhere. They either want you or not, all these stupid attention seeking games are just a waste of time.

I dont say this all lightly, I was in your shoes and gave too many years to someone who refused to see a problem. What a waste, do I regret it?

Nope, the only regret I have is not doing it much sooner.

LegacyUser

I too am in a similar situation albeit from the male side.
I am in a very long term `relationship` (over 25 yrs) and have not had sex, not even kissed or cuddled in about 8 yrs.
I am completely unattracted to my o/h now, she smokes (which I absolutely hate and she knows that) and drinks to the point where I think she may be an alcoholic now and (ladies please dont roast me for this but I`ve got to be honest ) she has put on lots of weight she is literally twice the girl I met initially,but for the last 10 yrs or so I have not been able to break away from the relationship. She loves me and I am all she has and I know it would absolutely devastate her if I ended it.
The problem is that although I say I dont love her we have been through so much together that we really are best friends but as far as sexual attraction is concerned she just doesn`t do it for me.
We are not married and dont have any kids. So what we have now is a purely platonic, brother/ sister relationship which has dragged on and on and is now , for me anyway, at breaking point.
I have just been hoping that somehow she would meet someone and go off with them as I think it would do serious damage to her if I initiated the break but she doesn`t seem to be getting the message, 8 yrs is a long time for the penny to drop.
Is there any way anyone can see a way out of this without completely wrecking her life?
The bottom line is I need to have sex.
I apologise to the OP if she thinks it`s inappropriate to post this in your thread I dont mean to hijack it but I thought some replies might give an insight into your o/h`s issue?