I'm starting to hate her brother

LegacyUser

I have been going out with my girlfriend for over 3 years, general ups and downs but very much in love. We are both turning 21 in April. I work full time and have been very successful, she is doing her HDip and wil be hopefully working full time next year. She still lives at home and is learning to drive but has no car yet so she relies on her parents a bit but is very much appreciative.

Her brother is 18 and in college. I always found him a little weird and I would love just to be able to chat to him normally and bring him for a pint but he just wrecks my head. He mooches of his parents and is like a 5 year old. He would yell at his Mum to drive to the shop and get him a drink (shop is around 200metres away), he refuses to get the bus to college and demands lifts constantly, he is just such a lazy f*cker. He tells his Mum to shut up an he treats her like crap and he moans constantly about everything. All my friends that have met him dislike him.

Just an example was last night; I rang my girlfriend last night to wish her goodnight and she was watching TV, phone call was around 30 seconds, he was in the room and he shouted at my gf telling her to 'shut the f*ck up and get out!', pure ignorance. I told my gf to tell him not to be so rude and learn some manners but she didn't want to make a big deal of it.

He rarely goes out and has a strange taste of TV shows. When X Factor was on he refused to go out beacuse it was a 'very important show'. If he goe sout he will take over 2 hours getting ready, running in and out of my gf's bedroom asking does this or that look nice.

One saturday when I stayed in with my gf, he was watching it and kept giving out about people's clothes and complexions etc. He watches all the shows that you would expect a female to watch, is not interested in sports, is friends majority with girls but has never had a girlfriend and is a virgin. My gf says he is not gay, I think he is and I wouldn't mind that but it's just his attitude is annoying.

He is very close to his sister (my gf) and wants to know everything. if I stay in the house after a night out he will come into the room that morning and want to know everything that happened that night. Like a bloody two year old.
He has to go to France for the next college year but I am in my relatinship with my gf for the long term so what can I do to solve this?

Wagon

Unregistered wrote: »

He has to go to France for the next college year but I am in my relatinship with my gf for the long term so what can I do to solve this?

Absolutely **** all As much as it's crappy to hear they aren't your family so you can't do anything. By all means tell the little sap to mind his own business when he wants to know details of your relationship but otherwise just avoid him. I initially guessed he was gay and in denial and this was his way of dealing with it but the more I read your post it just seems like he's a bit of a gob****e and needs to grow up a little more.

Lollipops23

sounds like he might be gay alright-he may be struggling and acting out?just a possibility?her parents need to tell the sap to grow the hell up, but unfortunately that ain't nothing to do with you. Maybe get her to stay at your house more? and make the most of the year he's away!!

MagicMarker

Sounds like a teenager.

jim o doom

Sounds like a little drama queen in the making.

Anyway, you can't do anything at all to be honest, except as Wagon said; tell him to "f**k right off, young man" if he is prying into your relationship.

It would be dangerous to say anything to him that illustrates how you feel, because as much of an annoying gobsh!te as he is, his parents and sister will close ranks & defend him if you "attack" him verbally. He is family and you are more or less an interloper.. so it would be foolish to act on your feelings of frustration.

hopefully the trip to France will help him grow up some. There's always the option of you two moving in together, so that he isn't as present in her life.

Lollipops23

MagicMarker wrote: »

Sounds like a teenager.

what a horrible generalisation.

TheZohanS

Just give him a wide berth.

Why don't you have your g/f over in your own place a bit more often?

You're dating your g/f, not him.

MagicMarker

Lollipops23 wrote: »

what a horrible generalisation.

Tad over reaction there don't you think?

It's a well known fact that teenagers can be little shíts, hardly a ''horrible generalization''.

If the brother was 25 i'd be surprised, but he's not, he's still practically a kid. He'll grow out of it.

Eric Cartman

Unregistered wrote: »

He rarely goes out and has a strange taste of TV shows. When X Factor was on he refused to go out beacuse it was a 'very important show'. If he goe sout he will take over 2 hours getting ready, running in and out of my gf's bedroom asking does this or that look nice.

One saturday when I stayed in with my gf, he was watching it and kept giving out about people's clothes and complexions etc. He watches all the shows that you would expect a female to watch, is not interested in sports, is friends majority with girls but has never had a girlfriend and is a virgin.

definitley that kid needs a new boyfriend. (yes, boyfriend)

, this is harsh your girlfriend is living with a 12 year old girl effectively, id feel annoyed too, sorry i have no advice to give, but this is definitley a bítch of a situation

biko

Nothing you can do. The gf and her mum needs to stand up to this guy and put him back in his place.

jellie

its not really any of your business.. hes not doing anything to you. shouting at her to shut up when watching tv? maybe my house is CRAZY but wed do the same, nothing more annoying than "ooh i miss you, night night hunny, etc etc" when the guy on Lost is saying something random & youre trying to figure out WTF is going on..

thats the only way it seems to be affecting you. so what if you think hes gay? unless hes coming onto you i dont see why you have any right to comment on it.

Lollipops23

MagicMarker wrote: »

Tad over reaction there don't you think?

It's a well known fact that teenagers can be little shíts, hardly a ''horrible generalization''.

If the brother was 25 i'd be surprised, but he's not, he's still practically a kid. He'll grow out of it.

there's plenty of teens that are nice and well-behaved. also,if the kid was 14 i might understand the immaturity and general arsey behaviour but he's 18?

LegacyUser

to be honest if you're just interested in having a relationship with your gf just ignore him and try to spend more time away from him but if you think that the relationship might last why dont you sit down with your girlfriend and offer to talk to her brother.
See if you can chat with him in trying to -Help- him rather then "you're doing something wrong" as if from his point of view

cantdecide

biko wrote: »

Nothing you can do. The gf and her mum needs to stand up to this guy and put him back in his place.

+1

I have a close relative in this situation too and he could do no wrong in his Mum's eyes. In trying to do the right thing, she mollycoddled him for years and now he's in his mid twenties and absolutely hopeless.

The only thing you can do is convince your GF to convince her Mum to start giving him a clip round the ear when he starts. Otherwise he may never grow up IMO.

jellie

Lollipops23 wrote: »

there's plenty of teens that are nice and well-behaved. also,if the kid was 14 i might understand the immaturity and general arsey behaviour but he's 18?

ive an 18yr old brother who is extremely rude on a regular basis, but i dont think hes weird cause of it, more just a normal teenager. i have a 21 year old brother who was the same when he was younger (& still is sometimes!) but has grown up a bit since.
people act differently towards family members anyway.

Handsome Bob

sar84 wrote: »

its not really any of your business.. hes not doing anything to you. shouting at her to shut up when watching tv? maybe my house is CRAZY but wed do the same, nothing more annoying than "ooh i miss you, night night hunny, etc etc" when the guy on Lost is saying something random & youre trying to figure out WTF is going on.

While I do agree with this, the bolded parts in the quote below has me concerned. Teenager or no teenager, there is no excuse for that kind of treatment of his mother. Plus, he is 18 so it's not as if he's at the start of his teenage years. Throwing tantrums, and making demands at his mother and sister at a time where he is coming out of his teenage years is not healthy for any one.

OP, it seems like your girlfriend's brother is unhappy and he is keeping whatever it is pent up inside. Because he is not dealing with whatever is wrong, he is taking it out on the people closest to him. There is unfortunately nothing you can do, other than to sit your girlfriend and really express your concern for her brother.

Unregistered wrote: »

Her brother is 18 and in college. I always found him a little weird and I would love just to be able to chat to him normally and bring him for a pint but he just wrecks my head. He mooches of his parents and is like a 5 year old. He would yell at his Mum to drive to the shop and get him a drink (shop is around 200metres away), he refuses to get the bus to college and demands lifts constantly, he is just such a lazy f*cker. He tells his Mum to shut up an he treats her like crap and he moans constantly about everything. All my friends that have met him dislike him.

happyoutscan

MagicMarker wrote: »

Sounds like a teenager.

Agreed. Fair dues to you OP though for venting your feelings here instead of lashing out at him, as that won't do you any good at all. I'm afraid you are just going to have to put up with it for now. Chances are in a year or two he will mellow out a small bit. I agree with you over the XFactor infatuation he has. I find those shows revolting altogether but I suppose it's each to his own.

jellie

LZ5by5 wrote: »

While I do agree with this, the bolded parts in the quote below has me concerned. Teenager or no teenager, there is no excuse for that kind of treatment of his mother. Plus, he is 18 so it's not as if he's at the start of his teenage years. Throwing tantrums, and making demands at his mother and sister at a time where he is coming out of his teenage years is not healthy for any one.

While id agree that is not normal behaviour I dont think its the OPs place to have anything to do with it. its up to his mother to tell him off & put a stop to it, not his sisters bf.

Handsome Bob

sar84 wrote: »

While id agree that is not normal behaviour I dont think its the OPs place to have anything to do with it. its up to his mother to tell him off & put a stop to it, not his sisters bf.

I agree with you. I'm not saying the OP should directly intervene or anything, instead he could just talk to the girlfriend about his concerns for her brother. Maybe then the girlfriend could just sit her brother down and ask him if there is anything wrong.

partyguinness

There is nothing to solve.

Your relationship with your g/friend is fine so just accept that he is a twat.

Ignore him..no rules saying that you have to get on or go for pints..is there? Its only wrecking your head so try not to dwell on it for your own sake.

LegacyUser

Do nothing. First of all Irish mammies tend to spoil their sons. His behaviour is disgraceful for his age, but they obviously accept it and it's considered normal.Their problem.
Secondly I think you said he was going to France for the year?Trust me, he'll come back a changed person.He may not be any nicer but he'll be totally different.Let time and experience knock a few corners off him, and in the meantime, try your best not to let it affect your relationship.

iguana

Lollipops23 wrote: »

also,if the kid was 14 i might understand the immaturity and general arsey behaviour but he's 18?

Lots of people are late developers. I know when I was 14 I was quite lovely, it wasn't until I was 17/18 that I developed the irrational teenagerness. Both my brothers were the same. I didn't go through puberty until my late teens, I was 16 when my periods started for example. So at 14 I had no crazy hormones messing with me. At 18 I did.

There is also new evidence coming to light that along with hormonal mood swings as the body changes, the brain develops at a different rate through puberty and the part of our brains which govern rationality and logic grow slower at this point. Brain scans show that they are physically smaller, and don't develop until later. Teenagers tend to have a genuine mental impairment and are far more prone to frustration and anger. But they grow out of it once the hormones settle and the brain develops fully. (With this in mind, and the fact that my family age slowly, I intend to encourage my children to go to college far, far away, so I can miss the tantrum years 17-21.:D )

OP, he is your gf's brother, not your gf. He isn't really your problem. If he grows out of it and you get along better in the future then that's great. But if he doesn't it's still not your problem, you aren't dating him. As to him not having a girlfriend and being a virgin, well at 18 that is pretty normal. 1000's & 1000's of 18 year olds are virgins who've never had a relationship. And whether he is gay or not is absolutely none of your business. Unless he physically hurts your gf, it's nothing to do with you. It's ok to have a rant about it, and get it off your chest, but don't think it's up to you to sort anything out. And be careful who you rant to, as even if your gf rants to you about him, the rule of 'I can say what I want about my brother but if you say similar I'll smack you' may well apply.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Just be nice to him, talk to him as an equal human being and you'll be surprised how much it could bring him around.

Dublin_Gunner

sar84 wrote: »

thats the only way it seems to be affecting you. so what if you think hes gay? unless hes coming onto you i dont see why you have any right to comment on it.

I think thbe point most people seem to be missing here, is that while 'technically', he's not the OP's problem, it's more and more becoming his problem, and something needs to be done about it.

The fact is, his mother (and most likely the rest of his family) are not going to put him in his place, and are not going to sort the situation out, as they've become so used to the way he acts, they dont even bother anymore.

By what theOP's sated, it seems very likely thatthe guy is gay, or at the very least is gay curious, and has no way of letting his family know, or doesn't feel comfortable doing so. He's bottled everything up, and expresses this as an outward sort of anger and almost diva like attitude towards his family.

He either needs to just spill the beans (and deal with the fact) that he's batting for the other team now, or he'll end up in a much owrse situation thanhe's in. He'll fall into chronic depression (I believe he may already be very depressed at his current situation) and neds to talk to someone.

That someone SHOULD be a member of his familyi - have they ever let him know that he can talk to them? That they're there for him? (and not just for clothing / makeup advice and lifts to the shop).

The OP needs to relaly express his concerns for him to his GF, as awkward as that may be, and have his GF talk to her brother, before this gets even more out of hand than it already is.

Sar84 - the OP doesn;t seem to have any issue that theguy might be gay- - its his behaviour becase of it thats affecting him, and his GF and family. He's been with her 3 years, IMO he has the right to say what he feels by now, I'm sure he knows the family well enough at this stage.

Pub07

Unregistered wrote: »

what can I do to solve this?

Tell him to stop acting like such a homo.

Reflector

Not to be jumping the gun here but he does sound like he is an effeminate gay guy, he probably has more of a sisterly relationship with your girlfriend. I think you need to reevaluate your attitude to him. You could probably get on great but you need to realise that you probably wont be talking footy over a guiness down the local. Engage him in things like x-factor or other things he likes. You'll find if you show an interest in his life he'll warm to you more. Having said that I do believe that you can set boundaries. Your girlfriend should be made aware that you feel uncomfortable with him coming into the room in the mornings.

If you are thinking of a longterm relationship remember that her brother will be around for pretty much your entire relationship. better to get on now.

Reflector

Pub07 wrote: »

Tell him to stop acting like such a homo.

you should stop posting like such a twat.

Beruthiel

Pub07 wrote: »

Tell him to stop acting like such a homo.

Another comment like that and I'll ban you.

Jaysoose

Give him a slap.:D

only joking, there is essentially nothing the OP can do except get on with it and ignore the dude. Im sure the GF can see how annoying her bro can be and for restraining himself and ignoring the behaviour the OP will get credit.

jellie

Dublin_Gunner wrote: »

Sar84 - the OP doesn;t seem to have any issue that theguy might be gay- - its his behaviour becase of it thats affecting him, and his GF and family. He's been with her 3 years, IMO he has the right to say what he feels by now, I'm sure he knows the family well enough at this stage.

Sure he can say how he feels. but i doubt the family are stupid. if hes picking up on these things im sure they are too, & i doubt theyd appreciate him making accusations against the guy. if the sister is close to the brother im sure shed be quite protective of him.

just my opinion, but id stay out of it.

daveharnett

sar84 wrote: »

just my opinion, but id stay out of it.

I would be inclined to agree with this.
Out of curiosity op - does the brother in question behave like this while others are around (ie. not just you and the family)?