My sister is driving me crazy!

LegacyUser

I'm so sorry about the length of this but I couldn't explain it with out giving details.

I love my sister to bit, I really do, but I dread having to see her. Since my sister was about 13 (and I was sixteen) she has had this fixation with friends. She has always had friends but was always worried about noting having any; she is worried because she thinks if she is herself nobody will like her. She says she repeats what other people say and that's the only reason people like her, that she has no opinion and is "boring". Boring and interesting have become forbidden words in our house.

I say fixation it's more like an obsession. If you saw her you would never guess, she goes out about three times a week and has a large group of friends at college and at home. I'll give you an idea of it, she believes if you have friends, who you are yourself with and "opinions", you have no problems in the world. I said what about poverty, disease ect, she still believes she is in a worse position.


There are a few things that have driven me to this point.

The first is that for six years, more than anyone else, I have been her personal councillor. She is seeing a professional at the moment I'd like to add though, who largely tells her what I've been telling her for years. I've listened to her for hours and hours unend, explained the bad experiences, emphasised the good and generally tried to make her feel better. It so circular. I'll make her feel slightly better for about half an hour and then she is the same again. It's exhausting. I love her and want to make better but it's hard when you feel like you have made no difference.

Every time we meet she launches into something that "proves" she is "boring" and has no "opinions". I've asked her to change the subject, that I can't deal with it right now but we are back to it in five minutes. Sometimes I tell her to stop, quite strongly as it's the only way she does, other times I'll relent and we will talk about it.

Another thing that annoys me is that she will relate events but give a very biased view. Sometimes I know that because I'm there when these things happen and other times it's because she slips up and sometime later happens to mention the extra details. These usually change the whole situation and show she is reading into it alot. It's so frustrating because I keep telling her to give the whole situation and she doesn't.

She never tells me about any of the good things in her life, only the bad. She has been in college for a year and a half and I hardly know anything about it because she doesn't want to talk about it unless it's focusing on some bad situation. From pressing the issue, I have learn some things and she does seem to have a lot of friends there and good times although she is reluctant to admit it.

I can understand her because in some ways we are quite similar except that I deal with my problems and get on with it.

She likes feeling sorry for herself, it gives her some sadistic pleasure. She gets attention for having problems from my parents and myself. I'm not saying she doesn't have issues but she doesn't try and deal with them. She gets enough reinforcement from this to make it bareable. I have said this to my sister and she at first was astonished with my insight and then agreed with me. Although, she will sometimes disagree, it depends on her mood.

She forgets the good nearly instantaneous;y and remembers the negative for years. She couldn't remember the positive things I've said to her hundreds of times and yet remembers the few bad things I've said for months if not years.

She is seeing a councillor and he seems to be very good. From the little she tells me (and she tells me little about her life that isn't bad) he seems to really to understand her. The problem is, I don't think she is trying. My mother brought her to him and she was quite keen to go. She doesn't do what he asks her to do, e.g. keep a record of her day, although she would be horrified if she was asked to stop going.

The times she doesn't talk about that stuff we get on really well and I've said this to her. I've told her that I don't want to dread spending time with her. If she is ever really upset I'll always be there for her but I cannot deal with this on a continual basis anymore. Ultimately it doesn't make a difference because we always slip into the same pattern again at some point.

I'm away at college myself and it's only the separation that has made my frustration bareable.

I dreaded seeing her at Christmas because of having to hear this all again. That made me really sad. She is a good, sweet person underneath but I can't help her until she wants to help herself. At home she is the centre of everything. My parents don't have time for my problems because they are exhausted with trying to constantly comfort my sister. I'm beginning to resent this. Even the day of my graduation was all about her and it was disheartening.

I'm not a bitch but I don't know what to do. I've had more patience with her than any one else in my family, even she admits it. There is no way this pattern will change in the near future and I can't bare one more irrational conversation with my sister.

I'm sorry about this but it's six years of frustration building up.

Please give me some advice!

Pub07

She sounds like an idiot...loads of friends at home and in college, a family that care about her and no real problems at all. Yet she's moaning to you all the time about how bad she has it. Tell her to cop on and that you are not interested in hearing her imaginary issues anymore and that she should be grateful that things are as good as they are. God forbid she ever has a real issue in her life to deal with such as a serious illness or the death of a family member.

Overheal

Read: your sister perceives everything negatively, almost narcissisticly. No doubt puts herself down all of the time. And thats the real issue. Trying to fight every little symptom of that issue "I have no opinions, this dress makes me look fat" is both pointless and tiresome. And of course, the business of not letting anyone know who she really is, and that entire self-concious, self-esteem angle.

But if she doesnt want to do what her counselor wants her to then she isnt ready to look for help, genuinely. Or, she doesnt realise that life does not have to revolve around putting yourself down all of the time, and so has no real incentive to change.

LegacyUser

You are totally enabling her by listening to her predicable drivel for hours on end.

I bet she doesnt act like that with her friends, of course not or she would be history.

She is using you as a sounding board and nothing more and you are letting her.

Next time she starts with it just agree with whatever it is she says, she expects you to spend hours counselling her because she enjoys the attention from you.

It drains you but it feeds her, if you continue indulging her nonsense you will have to listen to it forever and by the way with these types dont expect any thanks.

Just simply stop putting up with it, if she starts sh1tting on again, simply tell her "Penelope, do you mind, I really cannot listen to this again, its boring"

If she starts sulking or crying dont be suprised, that'll be the self pity that her little emotional dusty bin is no longer gobbling all her waffle, but disregard it.

Her fear is that she is boring, and at the end of the day, she's right, she really is boring.

She's the only one that can change that.

LegacyUser

Pub07 your reply was pointless and totally without feeling. This girl is not an idiot, she is a young girl who is totally mixed up and finding life very difficult. I know as I have a similar sister and am in the same position as OP.
OP there is nothing you can do to make your sister fell better about things, its something that she has to get to herself. You can listen to her and talk to her until you are blue in the face but it wont help, which I think you know. Your sister has to get herself better and while you've tried to help her for 6 years it cant go on. I think its now time for you to focus on yourself, dont engage in your sisters rants. If something genuienly terrible happens to her tell her you'll be there for her but no longer can you be a sounding board for her day to day traumas. Its very very tiring when there is a constant focus on somebody else, and you eventually get to the stage where you cant do it anymore. Try not to think about her as much, talk to your parents about different things, dont bring her name up, focus on your own life, do things that you enjoy. Basically take a back seat in your sisters life and wait for a time until she's better. She's young, I would imagine it will come. Remember too though that she is not happy within herself and is going through something that you arent and that you dont really understand. Life doesnt come very easy for her. Try to have patience with her but from now on put yourself first.

username123

OP - the reason your sister goes into the same old spiel with you all the time is because you let her.

You have no control over her behaviour, you only have control over your own behaviour.

Refuse to engage with the same old rubbish over and over again. Tell her you are not qualified to deal with it - and to speak to her counselor.

nylon

I've been in a similar situation OP and it is completely head-wrecking. If someone complains over and over about the same things, they're digging themselves into a hole and listening to them repeat their problems will do no good.

Indeed, it may serve to enable, and thus perpetuate, such behaviour.

I'd say you're best off gently but firmly advising her to continue to speak to her counsellor, and emphasising that only she is in a position to change her situation. Continuously moaning about it achieves nothing except distancing her from those who love her.

trishasaffron

I'm sorry to say but sometimes our families are really bad for us. Try and keep away from her as much as you can - see if there is anyway you can have special time for yourself and your parents - perhaps when she's away on holidays. Do your very best to strike out and live your own life - even consider moving town when you go to work - in the long run it'll be better for you.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies guys.

I know that by giving her attention that it's just feeding the cycle and I have at various times tried to put my foot down. We get in an arguement and she wouldn't speak to me for a while. It'll blow over and the next time she is upset it'll start again. I have to constantly say no and it's hard when she is upset to just ignore it after a while. It's so ingrained it's hard to break the pattern.

I have removed myself from those talks more but even if I refuse to talk to her she will be talking about it to my parents when we are at home. It's just hard to escape the constant repitition.


I'll just have to try avoid it more I guess.

Semele

Hi OP.

Not making a diagnosis obviously but I would suggest you read a little about Borderline Personality Disorder. I'm pretty familiar with this through someone close to me and certain aspects of your sisters behaviour are ringing bells.

In particular the disorder is characterised by an unstable and shifting sense of self, with the result that identity and self-worth come almost entirely from how the person thinks others see them. Most people with this feel empty and worthless. Constant validation is necessary for them to feel good about themselves but this seems to be forgotten as soon as the person doing the validating is absent.

Their default position is self-loathing and emptiness and they will slip back into this very easily, almost seeming to seek out confirmation of their negative view (eg. you said your sister seems to have a selective memory for any bad things that happen.)

Also common are distortions in thinking, such as twisting situations or statements to see criticism where none was intended and refusing to believe that this is not objectively true.

There's a useful book called "Walking on Eggshells: Taking your life back when someone you care about has BPD", by Paul Mason and Randi Kreger. It would be worth a read to see if you recognise your sister in it. It would perhaps be more useful than anything you might google since it goes through the diagnostic criteria using real-world examples- which make it easier to think how they apply (or not) in your case.

Clift notes please?

LegacyUser

Hi Semele.

I've been looking at some stuff on the internet about BPD and I would definitely recognise some of the symptoms in my sister. I'm going to try find the book. It really looks like it could be helpful. Thanks for the suggestion!

Semele

Hi again OP, glad to be of some help!

It's great that your sister is getting therapy and seems really committed to it. I know from experience how much getting a proper diagnosis and learning more about the disorder helped- you don't feel so constantly frustrated when you start to understand the thought patterns that are going on in the persons head! The book is a bit gushy and American, but if you can ignore that its useful in terms of how best to deal with difficult situations and defuse them before it all takes off again. If you find it good then perhaps pass it on to your parents.

Incidentally, there's a new(ish) therapy called Dialectical Behavioural Therapy that has been shown to more success in treating BPD than any other. It's based along the lines of cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) but is specifically designed for treatment of BPD. I mention this simply because until recently it was almost unheard of outside America but I remember hearing that a team in St. Vincent's hospital have been trained in it, so it's now on offer in Ireland. Might be worth a try! The psychology forum would probably have more information on how to get referrals, etc.

Anyway, best of luck to you all. Feel free to PM me at any time if you want to have a rant and let off steam- I know as well how hard it can be to talk to "outsiders" about the persons behaviour, as it all seems so irrational and impossible to explain. You can really feel like you're going mad yourself!