Crying during an argument

LegacyUser

Im with my OH over a year and I love him and I know he loves me, but when we argue he gets so closed and emotionless.

Some of the time when we argue I start to cry. I just cant help it, Im upset. I dont do it to elicit sympathy or anything. He just sits there looking at me continuing on with the arguement and Im sitting there tears rolling down my face. And him just sitting there looking at me and not comforting me gets me even more upset.

Now if I was upset and we weren't having an argument he's brilliant at comforting me but I just cant understand why he seems so cold.

I did ask him before how he can just sit there when Im so upset, but he says that he's upset too, he just doesn't show it, and doesn't cry during arguments.

The thing is if I ever see him upset I always comfort him, its so instinctive I just have to.

From a guys point of view is he being a complete jerkor is that just how guys are?

RedXIV

To a certain extent, i'd try to be the same, If i'm in an argument, i try to stay as emotionally unattached so i can be reasonable and resolve the argument. Getting worked up usually reinforces your own opinion and makes it harder to back down. However, I'm also a bit of a softy and if the OH started crying, i'd probably stop the argument to comfort her but as regards the not showing emotion, that i can def understand

biko

Guys don't like it when girls start crying during arguments.
It means to us: "I'm all out of words but still want to win this argument. If I cry you have to console me and admit guilt".

When you're not fighting he consoles you so in my opinion he gets angry when you cry because you are trying to win the argument by a cheap shot.

m2c

Pub07

I dont get it, if you are having an argument and you start crying, which seems like its a fairly regular occurance seeing as how you posted here, do you expect him just to apologise and say 'you right, im wrong' and drop his side of the argument?

anonymous_joe

Ah the tears. How I do so loathe them.

When my ex and I argued (which thankfully wasn't too frequently, at least until we broke up ) this did happen a few times. An argument happens when two people disagree over something, and 99% of the time, neither person's entirely right. Crying is in essence a low blow.

Keep in mind that no lad likes to see his girlfriend crying (well most wouldn't) and it's difficult to deal with. Some guys can deal with it, some can't. I seriously doubt he's feeling nothing, you said yourself, he just doesn't cry. He's not a cold asshole, he's just not letting you see his emotions in an argument.

LegacyUser

OP here again. I have said to him in the past that if he does comfort me during the argument, I dont see that as an admission that Ive "won". Nor would I want it to.

Biko I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that he thinks that it is a low blow, I suspect that he does. But Im not doing it on purpose.

Anyway thanks guys, this has really given me an insight. Im absolutely crazy about this guy and I will keep the opions above in mind if/when it happens again.

Supra lover 87

Men only cry when family members die or a close friend.

Heres a question for ya would ya stay with a guy if he did cry every time you had a little fight.

Would you go up to the counter at supermacs to get your boyfriend a tissue because he is crying at the table because he brought down coke instead of orange and ya had a little fight over it

nomorebadtown

HATE when women use tears in an argument (hello gf, mother etc).
OP, your bf is doing well and trying to stay rational and logical during an argument. Its not his fault that you cant keep it together long enough to work through the problem at hand.
He usually comforts you when youre upset but wont pander to your tears during an argument. he doing everything perfectly, fair play to him.

Das Kitty

OP, you say you're not trying to elicit sympathy from him, yet you're more upset when he doesn't give it, which is it?

I have a very big issue with crying at the drop of a hat, any heightened emotion, positive or negative gets my eyes into overdrive, it's getting slightly better as the years go on.

The horrible thing is that embarassment makes it worse and if someone asks me if I'm alright that could be me gone for a good 10 minutes. It's horrific, I absolutely hate it, I would give anything to be like your other half and not have my emotions played out in tears.

When I met my husband I explained my problem to him. I told him that if we're arguing and I start to cry he's to ignore it completely and go on as normal, he shouldn't see it as seeking sympathy and be mad nor should he feel sorry for me. It worked quite well, we can now have a disagreement with my eyes doing their thing and it not being an issue.

I hate it when people "turn on the waterworks" to get sympathy, but I equally hate it when people assume that if you cry when you're upset that's what you're trying to do.

OP you're doing nothing for the "cause" by expecting him to comfort you when you start to cry during an argument.

jellie

just because youre crying does that make you more upset than him? just because he doesnt show it in the same way doesnt mean he is any less upset.

as for the crying, most men seem to think this is on purpose. yeah some girls do turn it on for sympathy - & sorry but in your case you seem to think that because youre crying he should give up and make everything ok.

for the record - some girls just cry without wanting to! i used to always end up crying when arguing with an ex of mine, even when i didnt feckin want to. something about an argument with him would make me cry when i wouldnt be the same with anyone else. i have a friend who says shes the exact same. i dont expect to be treated any differently for the tears, but my ex used to think i was using them to get what i wanted when id have actually preferred if they didnt happen in the first place!

LegacyUser

OP here again. Tried to post earlier but must have done it wrong.

I absolutely hate crying during an argument but sometimes I cannot help it. I do not think that I should "win" when this happens. In fact Ive said to him that while id like him, to I dunno give me a hug, or something when Im upset, that I absolutely do not see it as an admission of guilt or me "winning" or wrongdoing on his part. I certainly am not doing it on purpose.

Sometimes I leave the room so that I dont cry in front of him.

Anyway lots of useful replies here. Thanks.

Das Kitty

Would you hug him if you were really annoyed with him?

What is a hug in this situation saying but "Poor you!"?

Talk to your other half and tell him that you're not trying to get one up on him. And stop expecting him to comfort you when you're crying during an argument.

stevoman

there is nothing as bad as you female OH crying during an arguement.

if tnhis happens with us i also just become detatched and wait until she stops and then try and resolve the situation.

LegacyUser

Das Kitty wrote: »

OP, you say you're not trying to elicit sympathy from him, yet you're more upset when he doesn't give it, which is it?

I have a very big issue with crying at the drop of a hat, any heightened emotion, positive or negative gets my eyes into overdrive, it's getting slightly better as the years go on.

The horrible thing is that embarassment makes it worse and if someone asks me if I'm alright that could be me gone for a good 10 minutes. It's horrific, I absolutely hate it, I would give anything to be like your other half and not have my emotions played out in tears.

When I met my husband I explained my problem to him. I told him that if we're arguing and I start to cry he's to ignore it completely and go on as normal, he shouldn't see it as seeking sympathy and be mad nor should he feel sorry for me. It worked quite well, we can now have a disagreement with my eyes doing their thing and it not being an issue.

I hate it when people "turn on the waterworks" to get sympathy, but I equally hate it when people assume that if you cry when you're upset that's what you're trying to do.

OP you're doing nothing for the "cause" by expecting him to comfort you when you start to cry during an argument.

Das Kitty I usually 100% agree with your posts, but Christ thats a bit harsh, saying that Im doing nothing for the cause because Id like my boyf to comfort me!! I assume you mean feminism when you mention the "cause".

FFS Ive told him that I cant help it and certainly dont do it on purpose but if anyone ever started crying in front of me for whatever reason (including during an argument) I would comfort them and I expected him to do the same, ok I do see the other side now but Im not trying to manipulate him as is being inferred.

Síle28

Same thing used to happen with me & my boyf. Guys don't like it when girls cry during arguments cause they think you're just looking for the sympathy vote or they don't know how to make you stop! but it's normal to cry when genuinely upset about something. Guys just tend to try to hide emotions more, once or twice when he did end crying I got so freaked out by it I much preferred the times when he didnt!! Doesn't mean it doesn't matter to him. happlily we don't really argue at all anymore cause I realised his seemingly 'cold' behaviour was just his way and not indifference or a lack of loving me at all and now things are perfect :P

LegacyUser

Das Kitty wrote: »

Would you hug him if you were really annoyed with him?

What is a hug in this situation saying but "Poor you!"?

Talk to your other half and tell him that you're not trying to get one up on him. And stop expecting him to comfort you when you're crying during an argument.

Yip I would and have hugged him when I was annoyed with him.

stovelid

You should note that when you cry and your man comforts you, you haven't 'won' or more correctly, nothing has been resolved.

You have just forced him to comfort you, whether unfairly or not, and whatever you were arguing about will surely resurface again until you resolve it.

Nevyn

nomorebadtown wrote: »

HATE when women use tears in an argument.

It's a bio chemical reaction and there are times when tears just happen.

I have never used tears in argument, starting cry is not a tactical weapon deployment, yes it can be counter productive but there are times when it can't be stopped or avoided.

I can still bloody well argue my corner even if I have blasted tears trying
to blind me.

nomorebadtown wrote: »

OP, your bf is doing well and trying to stay rational and logical during an argument.

Some times arguments are about feelings, the kick off point maybe that
someone left the back door op but if an issue like that turns into a big
argument then there are other issues in play.

nomorebadtown wrote: »

Its not his fault that you cant keep it together long enough to work through the problem at hand.

Jut because a person is upset, angry or frustrated enough that tears start
spilling that does not mean they suddenly incapable of thinking.

nomorebadtown wrote: »

He usually comforts you when youre upset but wont pander to your tears during an argument. he doing everything perfectly, fair play to him.

I woudl say it depends, yes if she is falling to pieces every time they
try have a heated discussion then she needs to learn not to take things
so personal ( depending on the issue ) but also he needs to learn to find
away to approach issues and maybe change his language or tone so that
it's discussion not a argument.

Different people communicate in different ways and what may be a good argument to one person is disrespectful and upsetting to another.

Puddleduck

Hey OP

I can understand where youre coming from since I have been on both sides of it. When I argue sometimes I get so worked up I cry. I dont want to because Im mad, why am I crying? Although your saying that you dont use your tears to aid yourself in the arguement you are. You want him to drop whatever issue he has to comfort and reassure you, thats not fair, you say you would hug him if it was the other way around but thats because you work differently.

If you hate crying when you argue then take a time out, go for a walk and get your head together, think up the things you want to say and the points you want to make. When its laid out in your head it makes it easier to argue your corner rather than getting caught up in the emotion of the arguement. Crying is natural, but just becasue you do it, dosent mean that your other half should too. His way of dealing with it is cold logic. It seems like he dosent care at the time but deep down you know it isnt true, he proves this to you the rest of the time (I hope)

LegacyUser

You seem to be like a lot of women.

Although I am a girl I think I can give you some insight to how your fella feels:

To me an argument is linear, logical and factual, facts that can be backed up by examples etc
Feelings that are nebulous and unprovable can be just suspicions or insecurites not facts and therefore not really admissable in arguments!

if someone starts crying during a trivial dispute it is really irritating and it smacks of manipulation (right, right I know its not but hey it really can seem that way)

I never cry over anything,
and to me it seems weak and attention seeking when people do over small stuff. It really makes me cringe, plus it seems like the person doing it is playing the victim because they cant put accross their argument logically, it just seems that way.
I know you say you cant help crying and all but its hard to watch someone making a drama out of small stuff.

Ive had (it seems to others) difficult life with some really devastating events, but to me its normality, so I dont cry over big stuff never mind small stuff.

I think you need to get stuff in perspective really. Fights with your boyfriend dont warrant crying, neither does other everyday average stuff.

Deaths etc do....although even in those circumstances some would still not cry.

Maybe try to harden up a little bit and ask him to soften down to meet you halfway!

Sam Vimes

confused000 wrote: »

Das Kitty I usually 100% agree with your posts, but Christ thats a bit harsh, saying that Im doing nothing for the cause because Id like my boyf to comfort me!! I assume you mean feminism when you mention the "cause".

FFS Ive told him that I cant help it and certainly dont do it on purpose but if anyone ever started crying in front of me for whatever reason (including during an argument) I would comfort them and I expected him to do the same, ok I do see the other side now but Im not trying to manipulate him as is being inferred.

imo, if it's just a reaction that you have to the heightened emotions of an argument, you shouldn't expect your boyfriend to comfort you for it. he's most likely just as upset over the argument as you but he doesn't get any comforting because he expresses his emotions differently. whether you think so or not, stopping the argument to comfort a crying girlfriend is seen as defeat.

so my advice would be to either try to stop crying since it solves nothing or stop getting more upset because your boyfriend won't give up the argument and comfort you when you do (i know you said you don't expect him to do that but that's what he'd be doing regardless)

Me to you

Guys dont like it when us ladies get emotional and start crying during an arguement. I wouldnt take it personal so dont worry about it. Plus its not like he doesnt comfort you at all when your upset, you said he's quite good when ye aint argueing so dont worry.

jim o doom

Confused000 wrote: »

From a guys point of view is he being a complete jerkor is that just how guys are?

Yeah I'd be the same until she started crying -then the argument tends to end fairly quickly with me feeling guilty & eventually comforting her and apologising, even if I felt that I was in the right..

I wouldn't say he was necessarily being a d!ck though, some people just react differently in different situations..

Das Kitty

confused000 wrote: »

Das Kitty I usually 100% agree with your posts, but Christ thats a bit harsh, saying that Im doing nothing for the cause because Id like my boyf to comfort me!! I assume you mean feminism when you mention the "cause".

FFS Ive told him that I cant help it and certainly dont do it on purpose but if anyone ever started crying in front of me for whatever reason (including during an argument) I would comfort them and I expected him to do the same, ok I do see the other side now but Im not trying to manipulate him as is being inferred.

You don't know me very well obviously! No I meant, the cause of getting people to understand that a lot of the time people who cry can't fupping help it and have no agenda. You can see from some of the answers to this thread that a lot of people believe we can turn it on and off.

All I'm saying is that you should argue when arguing, there's plenty of time for comforting (and other things ) afterward.

I'm all for being comforted when crying when you're sad, but looking for it when you're crying because you're annoyed in an argument defeats the purpose of trying to resolve an issue.

I'm not trying to be harsh on you missus, I'm just trying to get you to differentiate between the reasons you're crying and what reaction you should expect and want.

Amazotheamazing

You're an adult. Part of being an adult is acting like an adult and learning to control your emotions. If he started shouting and screaming at you like a 5 year old child might, would you respect him for it? Why should he respect you if you act like a child in an argument, whether you intend to or not?

Are you a complete slave to your emotions, or just find it's easier to get upset than rationally deal with the problem at the core of the argument?

Nevyn

A person can control thier emotions but controling your tear ducts is a different things all together.

Amazotheamazing

Thaedydal wrote: »

A person can control thier emotions but controling your tear ducts is a different things all together.

Perhaps, but the OP already said she is crying because she is upset. She's getting emotional rather than solve the argument. Very few arguments are helped by one or the other parties getting emotional, at least, not between adults.

LegacyUser

Op what do you expect your bf to do? if you are having an argument and you start crying what can he do? bite his tongue?

You are poutting him in an awkward situatin. He has to compfort you over an argument he is involved in. He would have to push hi own feelings to one side