Is this the end?

LegacyUser

Not sure why i've gone unregged but heres a long one. I am in dire need of advice please.

The long and short of it is i lost my sex drive following the birth of my baby and a bout of post natal depression. ANd while i managed to claw some of it back, its certainly nowhere close to what it used to be.

So i'm trying and i am aware of my partners needs. We are attending couples counselling and i am awaiting my own counselling as well. We do have sex, just not as often and its hardly a session when it happens.

Anyway talk has now turned to open relationship (for him obviously). Hes a young man, i understand that. But my problem with this situation is we wouldnt be doing it to enhance our relationship, we'd be doing it to save it and thats not gonna happen.

I'm already insecure and terrified of being cheated on, but now knowing my man could physically touch a woman, have sex with her and then come home to me is breaking my heart.

He says its not something he wants to do but he can see it getting to the stage where he can do it.

Am I right to be hurt? Surely if you didnt want to you just wouldnt? I couldnt imagine being with another man. Is sex that emotionless for men? That you can force yourself just for the sake of getting it?

My sex drive is nothing to do with him personally as its not like i get horny at the idea of other men, and i dont even masturbate. We have a lot of stress in our lives.

Is sex a good enough reason to break up a family? I'm not stupid i know how important it is but i am trying.

I have to add it was me that brought up the open relationship because i am just so frustrated when hes giving out to me i just said ok get it elsewhere. He knows i couldnt handle it tbh. Even the practical side of things like what does he do go out for a drink, chat someone up, fcuk her then come home to me and the kids?

I'm just at a loss, if i wasnt trying, i wouldnt be as hurt.

Any advice would be wonderful please.

Mimikyu

This post has been deleted.

Silverfish

Sounds to me like he's trying to get you to 'snap out of it' by threatening this.

If he's saying it to you, its unlikely he'd go through with it. Usually if men are going to go do this stuff, its kept very very quiet.

Just talk to him, tell him you couldn't live with it, and you are trying to make things better.

How long has it been? Have you been managing other stuff besides penetration?
How much time do you get to yourselves?

sunnyside

frigidbrigid wrote: »

Is sex a good enough reason to break up a family? .

I have often wondered about that? Nobody ever admits that sex problems caused the break-up of their relationship but it must be common.

The situation you describe is so horrible, there is nothing worse than having someone hassel you for sex when you really don't want it.

The husband does sound selfish.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

I must stress it was me who brought up open relationships, i wasnt trying to trick him but it was still a shock!

Anyway um where to start. He just said there that its funny that i suggest it and then hes the bad guy for contemplating it. I suppose in my heart i wanted him to say dont be silly i couldnt dream of shagging another woman.

Its not just the sex issue he reckons i have no time for him and eh i spend too much time on boards LOL.

We get very little time together and the last time the kids were away overnight was mid december. For weeks we sat together every nite watching the box set of his favourite programme and he was happy as a pig in ****e, yet when we sit down to watch a programme i like its not 'quality time'.

Its very difficult to argue with him as he twists turns and exaggerates everything. Yes i do spend time on boards but i turn it off at night and go watch TV with him, but all the last week he was doing work on his car, yet i get the blame hes only doing it cos i'm on boards and i wasnt!!

Hes changed his tune now and said if it were to go to an open relationship there is no point staying together. He said to tell our counsellor all this and see what she suggests. I think we should probably make our own decisions and not wait to see what fate a stranger decides for us.

LegacyUser

OP here again.

I think its important to add that our child is actually 15 months so this has been ongoing. its certainly not as bad as it was but we had this exact same row when the baby was a few weeks old. Word for word almost and i was devastated.

It has improved since then but the last couple of weeks i havent been well physically and i didnt want him to touch me so naturally he is offended.

sunnyside

Unregistered wrote: »

, yet i get the blame hes only doing it cos i'm on boards and i wasnt!!

Hes changed his tune now and said if it were to go to an open relationship there is no point staying together. He said to tell our counsellor all this and see what she suggests. I think we should probably make our own decisions and not wait to see what fate a stranger decides for us.

Has the counsellor had any helpful advice about the sex problems?

If you spent less time on boards/internet would he be happier? I don't see why you should give up your hobby or how it would have anything to do with your lack of sex drive though.

I hope somebody who can advise you better than I can on this posts here. I feel for you, it's a horrible problem.

davyjose

OP, my personal opinion is that to go without sex, is not as bad as having sex with someone you don't love while the person you do love is at home crying.

If you think this will resolve any of your problems, think again.

I often go lengths of time without seeing my girlfriend. I don't have sex with other women in the meantime "because I have needs".

LegacyUser

frigidbrigid wrote: »

Not sure why i've gone unregged but heres a long one. I am in dire need of advice please.

The long and short of it is i lost my sex drive following the birth of my baby and a bout of post natal depression. ANd while i managed to claw some of it back, its certainly nowhere close to what it used to be.

So i'm trying and i am aware of my partners needs. We are attending couples counselling and i am awaiting my own counselling as well. We do have sex, just not as often and its hardly a session when it happens.

Anyway talk has now turned to open relationship (for him obviously). Hes a young man, i understand that. But my problem with this situation is we wouldnt be doing it to enhance our relationship, we'd be doing it to save it and thats not gonna happen.

I'm already insecure and terrified of being cheated on, but now knowing my man could physically touch a woman, have sex with her and then come home to me is breaking my heart.

He says its not something he wants to do but he can see it getting to the stage where he can do it.

Am I right to be hurt? Surely if you didnt want to you just wouldnt? I couldnt imagine being with another man. Is sex that emotionless for men? That you can force yourself just for the sake of getting it?

My sex drive is nothing to do with him personally as its not like i get horny at the idea of other men, and i dont even masturbate. We have a lot of stress in our lives.

Is sex a good enough reason to break up a family? I'm not stupid i know how important it is but i am trying.

I have to add it was me that brought up the open relationship because i am just so frustrated when hes giving out to me i just said ok get it elsewhere. He knows i couldnt handle it tbh. Even the practical side of things like what does he do go out for a drink, chat someone up, fcuk her then come home to me and the kids?

I'm just at a loss, if i wasnt trying, i wouldnt be as hurt.

Any advice would be wonderful please.

I personally know one Irish man who cheat on his partner a few years. He told me that they live together because of child but they don't have sex because she doesn't want.
I can see him on dating site looking for date.
It is awful, she has to be so unhappy with such kind of man.
It is not possible that she doesn't know about her partner affairs but she still live with him.
I don't understand why she will not kik him off.

Slutmonkey57b

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here again.

I think its important to add that our child is actually 15 months so this has been ongoing. its certainly not as bad as it was but we had this exact same row when the baby was a few weeks old. Word for word almost and i was devastated.

It has improved since then but the last couple of weeks i havent been well physically and i didnt want him to touch me so naturally he is offended.

This is just proof that the underlying issues have never been dealt with. There's no solution really other than to continue going to counselling. Either the two of you will find a way to work through things, or you won't. You say you've got other stresses in life and you're not well... is it that sex is the problem you're always dealing with, and the other problems aren't being addressed?

estar

why did you suggest an open relationship if you didnt mean it?

it is foolish to devise little tests. it only confuses things. it doesnt solve anything.

a commitment is a commitment for better or for worse. it means having no alternative but to stick and work at it. it means being unselfish and putting the others needs first, on both accounts.

work on your sex drive. instead of watching crap TV or fixing cars go to bed together and fool around without the pressure of having to do it. the pressure of having to do it, is the ultimate turn off. it makes you feel like an urge reliever rather than two people fulfilling each others needs. and once you get in the have to do it mode, then you start falling into a downward spiral where each refusal makes the problem worse.

and him saying tell the counsellor all this, is a cop out. telling the counsellor does not mean fixing it. fixing it means hard work. it means you being honest about your feelings around sex at the moment and about him. what do you feel about it. honestly. how used you feel. what changed. and it requires him to understand you. listen to you and be patient. to be honest about how rejection makes him feel, and telling you.

having a baby is not an excuse to let your relationship fail due to lack of intimacy. this is harsh, but it is true. if you have time to watch a box set, you have time to work on your sex life.

be honest about what you desire to yourself and to him, and stop the nonsense about open relationships.

but the exhaustion of having a baby can definitely compound things. go to bed early. both of you. be rested. get regular exercise. spend time together talking. re-discover what ye like about each other. appreciate each other. do nice little things for each other. try not to argue. think back to when you first got involved and behave towards each other like that. its so easy to start a spiral of negative behaviour between couples. you did this, you didnt do that. thats your fault, no thats your fault. it sounds like this is whats happening.

turn off the TV. start over. spending time together is not two people watching TV in the same room or being on computers at the same time. it is two people sharing thoughts and fears, sharing tasks, enjoying each others company freely without pressure.

make a commitment to do this today, and start tomorrow. put your commitment to each other first, and everything else will follow.

starchild

hi op,

a very difficult situation , i genuinely feel sorry for you

i belive that first and foremost stick with the counselling, it is very important that this is talked out and the presence of a 3rd party experienced in these situations might draw out any underlying problems

My first instincts were to say that he is being very selfish given that this seems to be a side effect of the birth of your child. However it is very demoralising for a man when his partner rejects him physically, it creates huge feelings of inadequacy. I know this as it happened to me, in my case the relationship was over in her mind and our course was clear.

In your case its clear thats not the situation and i think that you need to reassure him that you still love him and in no way want to leave him.

What he needs to do is give you as much time as you need. My suggestion would be take sex out of the equation for now. Spend time talking, get someone to babysit even for couple hours so you can go for walk, go for drink anything where its just you and him. Sitting watching tv is mind numbing

Go back to basics, kiss /cuddle with no expectations & hopefully once the pressure is off everything might come back to rights.

hope it works out

Liam Byrne

estar wrote: »

why did you suggest an open relationship if you didnt mean it?

it is foolish to devise little tests. it only confuses things. it doesnt solve anything.

+1. Mind games don't work, and the fact that you suggested it means he would have been in shock, so any answer or comment would have been inadmissable in terms of what he actually might want, in my book.

Also, since the initial "it's post-natal and it's just that I don't want sex" post, you've gone on to say that things aren't right between ye; if there's one thing worse than being "rejected" by someone you love, it's being intimate with someone you're not connecting with properly......

Was previously with someone hot, sound and funny, however slowly but surely started to have serious issues and doubts about what the hell was going on in her head, thereby losing the connection and affecting the physical stuff, because I wasn't sure if I wanted to be there - even though (to look at) she was still the same "hot" girl.

Step back and see what the real issue is, then decide where you want to go from there.

bethm24

Girlfriend, you need to tell him ASAP you did not mean what you bloody said about open relationships.Tell him this very very very quicly. You are doomed and i mean doomed if he believes he can do this. Bloody stand up for yourself here. Dont let him bully you, he is being very selfish here and having an open relationship is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo not even an option. Girl, you need to talk to him so fast because you have mentioned this you dont want him to get the idea of other women/cheating on his brain. Please go to the counsellor again. Please fix what has happened and be strong you sound as if you let him walk over you a bit. dont be scared of him, ok.

Slutmonkey57b

bethm24 wrote: »

Girlfriend,

Doesn't the rest of your post indicate you're against open relationships? The OP isn't your girlfriend, unless you're the OP's boyfriend trying to headwreck her....

you need to tell him ASAP you did not mean what you bloody said about open relationships.Tell him this very very very quicly. You are doomed and i mean doomed if he believes he can do this. Bloody stand up for yourself here. Dont let him bully you, he is being very selfish here and having an open relationship is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo not even an option. Girl, you need to talk to him so fast because you have mentioned this you dont want him to get the idea of other women/cheating on his brain. Please go to the counsellor again. Please fix what has happened and be strong you sound as if you let him walk over you a bit. dont be scared of him, ok.

The situation the OP is describing is complicated and not centred solely around sex. Saying "nuh-uh" and wagging your finger isn't really a useful suggestion for what the OP is going through.

cantdecide

bethm24 wrote: »

you need to tell him ASAP you did not mean what you bloody said about open relationships

+1

Are you sure he really considered this?? It's more probable that he knows you wanted to torture him and he decided to torture you right back. Not healthy, if true.

He obviously needs to be understanding and compromise but so do you. If regular pleasrable sex is only something that you used to do, then you have to understand that he is suffering a loss. If you're working on your own issues, you have to reassure him that the result will be succesfully regaining your sex drive as far as you can. His understanding you can't be relying on 'that's the way it is buster, just get used to it'.

LegacyUser

I understand where the Op was coming from- with such low self-esteem, feeling responsible for the problems in the relationship, I too may have suggested an open relationship and expected a outright denial that my partner would ever do it or want it! Your OH is selfish... 15months with a baby is not a huge amount of time to adjust, people don't bounce back in weeks. You do need the counselling, I'm sure you can fix your problems, but your OH needs to be told and needs to learn that expressing a desire to sleep with other women is not the way to make you feel wanted. Part of the problem here is not you- it's him, he can't excuse cheating on his wife and child due to his "caveman" instincts. If he wants to get the intimacy back, he's going about it the wrong way.

fabfemale

I can completely sympathise with you here OP, I'm been down this road, and I'm still on it. Have a 2 year old and the sex life, and even intimacy in general, gets pushed to one side. Only lately are we coming out the other side of it, and even at that, it's a struggle. However, I would have to say that there would seem to be a few other issues at play here - I would never in a million years suggest to my OH that he should look elsewhere, I just wouldn't be able to handle it. And I know in my heart that he would never do it. I'd be worried if I ever did suggest it, and he seriously considered it.

The only advice I can give here is to have a good long think about what you really want - you can't think for your OH and he's going to have to make his own decisions. If you love him and want to stay with him, then you have to work at it. Sex isn't the be all and end all, but it's a massive part of a relationship. It's all too easy for couples to spend their evenings in the same house but living different lives - i.e. he's watching the telly/fixing the car and you're on the net or doing something else. If you're serious, make a serious effort. And it's up to him to do the same.

Best of luck to you both.

Mr.Bean

Hi every,this is the op partner,i knew there would be something here bout this as i feel she spends to much time on this so here i am. Iam not a user on this so cant do the quoates etc but ill give my side seen as most of you are so quick to say he a selfish man bully etc. so here goes......

Our baby is over 15 months old,we used to have a good sex life we wanted eachother but them days are gone from the day she found out she was pregnant it has not been the same,more times than not i am rejected if i try to touch her am told to stop what am i doing etc and thats the end of it,its an ordeal for us ro has sex or any form of intamiciy,i have suggested things in the past that maybe 2 nights a week we set some time apart for eachother go to bed early space it out and get into it...to this i was told no im a not a machine on a timetable it has to be spur of the moment with no planning so said ok....now if i try "spur of the moment im told to stop as usual im busy(usually on this) and to stop been at her so how am i meant to win? There has been occasions when SHE has suggested early night this and that etc then ignored me because there was somrthing happening on this and its not wasnt even a sorry babe do you mind it would be a ah its to late without lifting the eyes because of been on this. any sexual innuendos i made or try to joke about a smirk is all i get.There has been other times when we had a sat morning to ourselve which is once in a blue moon with the kids and first thing she thought of was i have to check boards,i do karate and aonther time when i was going i was asked not to go that i could break a sweat another way but as was left twindling my thumbs then....probably getting a bit boring now but just wanted to give few examples before moving on.......

I did in the past say maybe we should have an open relationship but that was as one person said to give her a fright of shock but as usual i was wrong but will get back to this point at the end.

We were intimate once over xmas on new years eve and that was after a discussion rather than a passion based night.

Now recently she had said we will have to do foreplay etc so one of the nights after a shower etc we went up but 5 mins into it was told no dont do that so i lost the humour and said ah just forget it....women might understand but men or me anyway know when someone hasnt got the slightest interest and its more i have to not i want to and it shows .....now to the point....after a discussion bout time spend on this the topic of sex came up and what i said was whats the problem do you not enjoy it?to which the respmse was listen i have no interest in having sex anymore and it wont change so get it somewere else if you want........not much choice really if it so considered it for a long term option down the line somewere,personally i think if it goes that way that it is pointless staying together if we are going to be doing that or going down the road its like living a lie.....i seem to be a scumbag bcos physcially i could do it though,now last night i was asked would you sleep with someone else and i said if it was like this in a few years i dont know and all hell broke lose......now i have never cheated on her have never txted any1 behind her back have never kissed anyone or any of that but because it crossed my mind i could do with a good $$$$ again im a scumbag.
My arguement is sex should be enjoyable should be freeflowing should be passionate to a certain extent and not be sorry someone on boards is telling me about their favorite biscuit.
Now iam at a loss here becuase as it i feel this boards thing comes before me(pardon the pun ha)to a certain extent and feel if i try get close to her i am told to stop or think whats the point shes gona moan and give out and becuase i compleplated HER suggestion im in the wrong too?


So has anyone any suggestions for me apart from multaltion and im a selfish man???
sorry for the long badly typed post but thanks for you time

LegacyUser

look, the both of you obviously have too many issues for randomers on the internet to help you with. we can give you advice, sure, but you two sound as if you have reached the stage to seek professional help.

you have a child/children. if you two can't communicate properly beyond back-and-forths on boards.ie then it is most definitely time to make an appointment with a therapist imo.

OP, I understand your point of view - you have just had a baby, low sex drive etc....BUT....your marriage sounds as if it's falling apart. You need to pay attention to the fact that sex IS an important part of your relationship. While some will argue it's not important in every relationship, the fact is you and your husband have gone from an active a fulfilling sex life to virtually none. Of course he is going to have issues coping with this. Any man would.

For your husband: just a thought....if she is spending so much time on boards.ie did you consider she might be using it as a form of escapism? If so, you (and she), need to question why? What's wrong out there in the real world of your marriage that she is using the internet to escape? To me it would suggest she is bored. Get a bit of excitment in your lives. Pay 30euro (or whatever the going rate is) for a babysitter and get away for a night. Spend some time together. Enjoy each other. If you can't even manage to do that then the two of you might as well get used to having a sexless marriage.

BTW, sorry if I come off as harsh. I understand it's a terrible problem for the both of you but I really think you both need a wake-up-call. You should at the very least sort it out for the sake of your kids. Do you honestly think they won't pick up on the hostility? I can promise you, they will.

Mr.Bean

id also like to say to whoever it was that said im a selfish man that doesnt care that i think this is the complete opposite.....if i was a selfish man that didnt care then this thread wouldnt be here at all if you can read bewteen the lines,but im not like that and dont want to go down that road so because i try or want to get the spark back that we had im a selfish man???doesnt make sense if you ask me

LegacyUser

how sad that your communication on this is via boards.ie


Mr Bean: your wife isn't really rejecting you... she obviously still loves you a lot. The hormones that make her frisky are just out of whack... can you imagine being expected to have sex if you didn't feel even remotely turned on? This can be saved but don't expect it to happen overnight.

OP: I've been there done that but my libido did eventually come back. it didn't happen overnight and there were a lot of similar discussions and arguments but we got there and we're better than ever now.

Re-establishing intimacy without the expectation of sex is important.


Actually I think your communication problems are as big an issue if not bigger just now. Step away from the boards, tv etc....

Mr.Bean

And this is all getting blown outa proportion here...i am not looking or expecting porn star style sex every night but a certain level as closeness and understanding i suppose,is not a case of give up her hobby either but when you kiss your partner or start hugging her round round the back and trying to get close to her and your told will you stop im doing something(boards)i puts a whole differnet spin on things and makes you think which is more important.....i might thinker around with stuff on the car but i know if she came came near me and tried to get close to me that is not the response shed get from me,if it is easier for her to say get it elsewere rather than ok lets make more time for eachother it doesnt say much for our "bond" or commiment?

Now whatever of yous think how could he be with someone else etc its not that case...I DONT WANT do to that because if i did then anything we have between us is gone from that second regardless if she knew or not because i wouldnt see the point in staying together and wouldnt care what happened if it got to that stage.

For any women reading this that say men are this that etc theyll do this do that etc that is not always the case,yes some dont need to get a second chance but i am not like that i never done that and dont wnat to but if thats the solution your partner has for you then what options do you have apart form just saying forget it and giving up trying which i did untill asked what i think to be an unreasonable question....ie "could you sleep with someone else?" "no i dont want to i want to be with you" "well what if we dont sort this" "maybe years down the line i dont know"

Far as im concerned if there was a little more affection and understanding there wouldnt be the need for stupid questions like couild you would you should you can you will you...20 mins of enjoyable quality time with your partner should answer and either replace or eliminate the need for the catch 22 questions!!!!!

Storm_rages

Hi Op/Mr bean

i'm thinking maybe you guys need to start dating again. (serious). Step back from saying we will have sex tonight and start back to dating (get a baby sitter). Arrange to meet up for dinner and and maybe a movie and at max hope for a kiss good night.

I think the Op was looking for reassurance (Terrible bad way of doing it op) but you both miss the closeness you had (not about sex, about closeness) so first off turn off the Tv/Internet and start talking (cook a dinner together)..

my two cents

littlebug

Mr Bean I think you've found the best way to get your partner away from Boards:eek:.

I agree the two of you need to find each other again and get back to the good stuff, fun and laughs and romance etc. This is fixable but you need to be able to communicate without pressure and arguments.

Mr.Bean

well i think thats a bit of a contradtion because in argueing bout it her idea is to post here bout it ha

Giggy

This thread just proved the fact that there is always two sides to every story. I'm not taking anyone's side here either, the two of you are in a really tough situation. But I think your biggest problem is communication, why can't ye sit down together and talk honestly and openly about how ye are both feeling instead of sitting down at a computer and typing ye're feelings to a bunch of strangers?? If ye don't be honest with each other and talk to each other right now it's just going to get worse and worse.

SpiderPiglet

Got to say my sympathy is lying with OP's husband.
It's very hurtful to be rejected, I can't imagin how bad it is when it's constant and when she prefers to post on boards than to cuddle the man she loves.

In sayin that there are obviously serious issues regarding communication in this relationship. You both need to sit down and try to see things from one another's perspective. Perhaps Mr. Bean's post will allow the OP to see her husbands point of view.

I think a date night is a good idea, make no plans for sex afterwards, just go with the flow.
I definitly think that this is something fixable, it will just take work, but if you love each other you'll get there.

Nevyn

Mr.Bean wrote: »

well i think thats a bit of a contradtion because in argueing bout it her idea is to post here bout it ha

Clearly she wants to try and find away to fix it and is looking for help to do that
and to understand what is going on.

First two years after a pregnancy are very very hard and that is with out the
complications of post natal depression.

Clearly you two are not communicating properly at all and you both are
wracking your brains and looking for help in you own way.

Sometimes IT takes emailing your partner to say things to them when communicating with them face to face is too complicated or when you
fear a huge row and an escalation and what might be said.

It is a catch 22 sex builds intimacy but with out a certain level of intimacy
sex won't happen.

I would say yes ye should consider couples counselling and that you need to spend time doing things which are fun, not stressful and will
rebuild the communication and bonds between you first, other wise the sex issue can be very destructive.

beth-lou

I think your biggest problem is communication.
I think you both love each other very much but have lost the ability to express it. I think your wife / girlfriend/ the OP is using boards as her means of escape, interaction and an instrument to fulfill the lonely space inside. It's easier for her than dealing with the issues between the two of you.

To the OP, I think you need to stop using boards for a while and concentrate on your relationship. It is selfish to sit in front of a computer all day and night, and interact with total strangers, while you have someone who loves you sitting there waiting for you to talk to them. I think you need to look at your role in the breakdown of your relationship and stop only blaming your OH. There are two of you involved here and you are going to have to work at getting back on track. It's obvious that you love him by the distress a probable fling he could have has brought to you. I think you have gotten lost in the role of being a mother and haven't given yourself any time or him anytime and this has built up resentment in both yourself and with him and you just don't want him to touch you because you are so angry all the time. You sound as though you have low self esteem and you are withdrawing from him. If you love him, then work on your relationship. Don't offer things you don't mean. Go to counselling and be brutally honest so you can get to the bottom of your problems. He sounds like a good and patient man and it's obvious that he loves you. Don't take that for granted. At least give him a chance, he certainly wants to build your relationship back up. Do you?

To Mr Bean, I think it is admirable that you have come on here to try to get through to your OH, although obviously it would be better if you could do this between the two of you. Having kids can do screwy things to the female mind. It can really mess with your sense of self, with how attractive you feel, with your insecurities and sometimes its not easy to tell your partner that you don't feel attractive any more. Sometimes you're just too damn tired to make the effort or maybe you feel unappreciated, or like you're giving over parts of yoursself to everyone every day and you just want to be left alone. This happens to a lot of women and putting pressure on her to have sex doesn't help with the problem either. I'm not blaming you here, because you have needs to too, but this is where it gets complicated. A woman needs to feel loved to want sex, a man needs sex to feel loved. That is a very simplistic view of relationships but at this level, this is where the problems start and it's striking a healthy happy balance between the two that you can have a happy relationship. Somewhere along the way you two have lost the abiltiy to appreciate one another fully and her hormones were all over the place after her pregnancy and events that happened during that period may have left her feeling resentful towards you and you are both going to have to work at breaking down those barriers. I really hope that counselling will work because you both seem very hurt and still very much in love.

Maybe I'm way off here and I apologise if I am, but I have felt twinges of what is going on here, I think most couples with kids do at one point or another. The trick is getting back to square one. As has been suggested here, get a baby sitter and go on a date, preferably dinner so you can talk, keep it light hearted and rediscover each other. I really hope you can work it out, it sounds as though you both want to.

Gary ITR

Mr.Bean, I think the first thing you need to realise is that your wife hasn't made a conscious decision to be the way she is being. I'd forget about the open relationship comment because if you go down that road then you might as well forget about the whole lot. It's obvious this woman loves you very much and is having a hard time dealing with her feelings and hormones so please I urge you to be patient and understanding.

As somebody above said you guys should start dating again, maybe hold hands in the street, I'm no psychiatrist but I think that when you hug or kiss your wife she sees this as you signalling that you want sex and this scares her and she snaps. We all snap when we are scared. So maybe if the intimacy starts in a public place she will feel safe and take it for what it is, a simple sign of affection. Just do things together, go for walks, go to movies etc gradually things will get back to normal.

Be patient guys and everything will be ok and I urge you not to have an 'open relationship' because that will be the end. Work on what you have

sunnyside

OP/Mrs Bean do you have any body issues--size, shape, etc since having your baby that could be making you feel unattractive?

If you were to go out and get your hair and nails done, full leg and bikini wax, wear something different, sexy underwear, nice make-up, perfume would any of that help you to feel more sexy? Might not be relevant to you at all but sometimes how we look can affect how we feel.

LegacyUser

sunnyside wrote: »

OP/Mrs Bean do you have any body issues--size, shape, etc since having your baby that could be making you feel unattractive?

If you were to go out and get your hair and nails done, full leg and bikini wax, wear something different, sexy underwear, nice make-up, perfume would any of that help you to feel more sexy? Might not be relevant to you at all but sometimes how we look can affect how we feel.

Looks like i was caught by the short and curlies :-)

Yes its certainly an issue i am heavier than i ever have been (12-14) and a few minor health issues means i'm feeling pretty run down a lot so basically looking pretty crap imho.

Thanks for the advice but in all honesty OH is exagerrating about time on boards.I work, i have 2 children, a house to run, shopping to get i am by no means on it all day or night.

Giving it up is not an option i have no outside hobbies or interests or friends in RL tbh and i have made friends here that have helped me through when i was at my wits end and my depression is actually lifting thanks to this imho.

We'll work on it anyway. When i got home yesterday there was nothing done,the babys breakfast was stuck to his face and he was still in his pyjamas,why? cos OH was on boards all morning, oh the irony.

K-Jet makes a very good point. We have had lovely evenings together but they are dismissed and forgotten about when they dont end in a shag so yes sometimes when he hugs me i think oh no here we go. I'm not overly affectionate anyway and what my OH was referring to when he spoke about me ignoring him is when i am in the middle of a conversation on here or something and i dont hear him talking to me, or he tries to hug me from behind while his eyes are scanning the screen yes i get irrate as he only does it when i'm on boards and if its a PM I do see it sometimes as an invasion of privacy. Plus I'm not multi-skilled!!

Anyway thanks again for the advice.

Slutmonkey57b

I think it's clear at this point that these two have much bigger problems than simply the sex issue and this isn't a place that's going to help them fix it.

sunnyside

Unregistered wrote: »

Yes its certainly an issue i am heavier than i ever have been (12-14) and a few minor health issues means i'm feeling pretty run down a lot so basically looking pretty crap imho.


Giving it up is not an option i have no outside hobbies or interests or friends in RL tbh and i have made friends here that have helped me through when i was at my wits end and my depression is actually lifting thanks to this imho.

The physical appearance issues would be much easier to work on than the lack of sex drive. 12-14 is hardly large but if you used to be smaller work on that now, don't let yourself become a size 16. If you are happier with how you look it will help your sex drive hopefully.

I wouldn't recommend giving up boards, it's great so long as you don't spend all day on it.

Slutmonkey57b wrote: »

Iand this isn't a place that's going to help them fix it.

I disagree, I know we can't fix their problems (or anybody elses') but this place helps a lot of people because posting a problem here is easier than sharing problems with real life people and the replies are more honest than you could ever get from people you know. It helps to find out that you are not the only person with this problem and some people just need to be told "Oh that's really common, go to the doctor, box of tablets will sort it out" but without the advice they got here they might have been too embarassed to ever ask for help.

Giggy

Slutmonkey57b wrote: »

I think it's clear at this point that these two have much bigger problems than simply the sex issue and this isn't a place that's going to help them fix it.

I agree Slutmonkey57b, while posting on here might help them get problems off their chests they're talking to the wrong people. They should be talking to each other and continue with professional help imo.

justsomebloke

I always find it odd when couples inadvertently end up talking about their problems on boards, however as stated before sometimes it can actually lead to a more honest and open discussion then would of been possible either face to face or in counseling.

I have to say though there seems to be a lot of different issues popping up here with lack of communicating being one big one. So might as well start with the OP.

OP I would be interested in finding out why you think you still have a lack of sex drive? From your original post you mentioned that you suffer/suffered from post natal depression. Are you actually fully over this as this maybe one reason for the lack of sex drive. If you are still suffering then rather then doing couples counseling now maybe it would be a better idea to wait till after you have seeked help for this, cause untill this underlying problem is resolved there is no point trying to solve other problems which are happening as a result of it.
One of the other reasons that you maybe lacking sex drive is probably due to how you view your yourself. You seem to suffering from low self esteem due to how you view your body so maybe it is time to do something about it rather then continuing to feel unsexy. Truthfully I would suggest maybe joining a gym like curves initally ( I know me recommending curves but I actually have my reasons for this that I will go into later when dealing with boards), and then also making sure you have your diet in order.
Another point is that you may be feeling like their is a lack of understanding from him as to what your problem maybe however as you aren't sure what the problem is he isn't going to know either. last point would be that for me trust is vital and if I thought my partner didn't trust me it would actually effect me quite a bit so do you think your boyfriend trusts you.

Mr Bean What do you think is the reason for your partners lack in sex drive and what have you done to help resolve the problem. you say you have tried to have personal time with her but she has rejected this, so what have YOU done to help try and resolve what the underlying problem is. Maybe the answer isn't if at first you don't succeed try, try again but rather look at it from a different angle and see if their is a different solution to the problem. For example maybe for the next few months try and rebuild just the intimacy between the pair of you without it wanting to lead to sex and take things one step at a time.

Ok now for the problem of boards.....hmmm where to start.
Ok Mr Bean what is it about boards that you don't like you other half using it but more importantly WHY do you think she uses it in the first place. From inital inspection it looks like you don't like her using it cause she spends to much time on it and when you want effection and she is on it she tends to be more interested in it then you. However looking at it from the other point of you this seems to be the exact same problem that your OH seems to have with you watching TV. Now if you response is initally well all I am doing is watching TV it's diffferent, well how is watching one LCD devise that keeps you amused and forces you not to have attention on your partner different to another? The solution maybe for both of you to give up some time from both just to spend time together with no TV, laptop, car etc etc to get in the way.
However now for the big question Why do you think she uses it. Now from the sound of it I think the OP is using it as a bit of a support crutch and you trying to take it away from her is probably making her anxious as it is probably an important to her so will fight with you to keep it. The one thing I picked up on in the OP's post is that she had postal natal depression and that she had no outside interests or friends in real life. So maybe she was using boards to 1) help her get through an extremely hard part of her life and 2) to help fill a void in her life that currently she can't fill as she is at home looking after your child so can't get the time to make her friends and get new hobbies. Yes it might be geeky and weird but people can form strong friendships with people on boards even if they have never met and you trying to take it away is like saying no you aren't allowed be friends with those people. This is why I suggested that the OP should maybe start in Curves and try and kill 2 birds with one stone cause one it will help her get fit and help improve her own body image thus probably increasing her sex drive but also it will get her out there meeting new people and as it is a women's only gym there will probably be a good few others in the same boat as her and this could ease what seems to be her reliance on boards.


The one thing that I don't think anyone else has asked is?

Do both of you still love each other enough to make this work?

Mr.Bean

Hello everybody,
I prob wont be on this again as its not really my thing to honest but no offence to anyone but just like to say a couple of things to answer some of the questions seen as yous took the time/interest to reply......

As for the gym i have said we would go either together or apart not in the hope of getting sexual attraction back but as an `outlet` to working/kids etc because i think my partner looks hot to be honest but thats just my opinion but it is something we said we would do either together or seperate.

As for not liking boards its not that i dont like it or disapprove of it i dont even know half of what yous talk bout on it and i have no doubts friends can be made from it and i encourage her to go out with these friends,my gripe with it was not the site itself but the fact it seems to take priority over me if you read my previous posts,as its not a case of drop the laptop im here now just to know you will be acknowleged and not feel second place if you know what i mean,by no means i want her to give it up or not be on it.

As for for watching the tele is the same as been on boards i think you have misjudged my point....above might explain this.

As for talking to people over the internet about our problem this was not the case....I came on because i knew there would be a topic bout it and i wanted to see what it was and when i seen the straight away selfish remarks i wanted to give how i felt not get concrete advice from anyone again no offence.

As for the housework not done....i think it was,maybe not to the extent it normally would if i was off work but i had more important things on my mind than clean dishes and shiny floors ie my relationship.

AS for all the replies thank you we have taking them on board and will try be more understanding.

As for being caught by the short and curlies.....Love i think youll find theyre long and almost permed X


Take care bye boardies