4 years into a relationship and GF does this ! how can i forgive her?

normalzone

Hey i just found out 3 days ago that after 4 years and a beautiful 2 year old daughter my GF has done this :

I had a friend(or so i thought) that was coming around alot , he spent new years here and on New years they come inside and declared feelings for each other. the last 3 weeks they have been messaging and making phonecalls to each other and kissed(pecked) twice and kissed(pashed) once . Then 3 days ago she broke down crying and told me the lot .
I know its all truth and nothing else happened cause i made her ring him and put it on loudspeaker with him thinking i wasn't home and i got her to say she has been drunk alot lately and can't remember what they done so could he repeat it all he did and there stories matched so that took a load off my mind.
I am hoping you guys can maybe help me out with some advice .
I love her with all my heart and want to forgive her and move on . She says it was a total mistake and doesn't know what she was thinking and would never have went further cause she couldn't of done that to me .
She says i am her world / soul mate etc.. blah blah .
Does anyone know how i can get over this and forgive her?
Why would she of done this and got feelings for another guy after four F*#@in' years?
I keep asking why and all she can say is "I dunno , i feel like a F*@#in' idiot"
She says it will never happen again and has been crying on and off since she told me . I want this to work out , not just for our daughter but cause i love her sooooooo much. Sorry for rambling **** i just need any help i can get . Cheers guys.

twilight_singer

sounds like you need to spend some time apart to reevaluate your feelings for each other and relationship. If your girl is going to cheat with your mate then how can you trust her again? But you also have your daughter to consider so dont make any rash decisions, maybe just spend some time apart and then see what happens. hope it works out for you mate.

LegacyUser

It seems to me someone has been taken for granted or at some point something has gone stale and needed livening up. Drama is very addictive these days if it gets the right attention. Every one at some point in their relationship comes to a point when they ask themselves "is this it? " it depends on the person how they deal with it. Alot of my friends have reached that point and confided as to how they dealt with it. They either realise how much what they have means to them or they realise what isnt right and move on. I hope you realise what is important to you and your GF and learn how to move on if thats the path you so choose. Only you can decide what is best for you, your gf and your daughter.
Btw your mate obiously isnt your mate if he can dick around on you like this what an a hole

impr0v

Firstly, sorry to hear about it, because that's a bit of a blow for anyone to take.

I wouldn't make any snap decisions, you'll need a bit of time to calmly assess how you really feel about it. When you've done that, it then comes down to deciding whether you can trust her again (and you will need to trust her to have your relationship back), and whether you love her enough to forgive her for breaking your trust in the first place.

It could be something she did on a fairly thoughtless basis - a playful flirting that she didn't mean to let go to the extent that she did, but got too intoxicated by the recklessness of it and couldn't stop. But it could of course also be a sign that the relationship is in trouble and what happened is only a symptom of it.

To me it sounds like you've both got a lot invested in this relationship and, if for nothing else than that, it's worth giving her a second chance. If you find that, after some time, you can't trust her or don't feel the same about her, then you'll have little choice.

mumhaabu

You and this woman have a child together, she kissed another guy, ok did she sleep with him? (whether or not he was your friends is almost irrelevant other than you can't trust him).

It sounds as if your GF is attention seeking and after four years and a 2yr old daughter perhaps she is disillusioned with the relationship and where it is going, if I had a relationship like that I'd be down on my knee with a ring for her. Why throw away four years over this??? She sounds like she is sorry plus she admitted it to you which is a sign of remorse and you just need to allow her to apoligize and make it up to you. It was not a nice thing to do but she could have been drunk and I am sure there are other pressures in her life also.

What won't break you, will only make you stronger.

normalzone

Thanks heaps guys.
I have decided to completly forgive her for this incident and do my best and move forward . We weren't getting along at the time and i think she was driven to it for the attention but whatever her reasons i can tell she is truly in love with me still and deeply sorry .
Life is too short for me to throw away 4 years and to leave the life i have built without giving her another chance .
I am that convinced we can work thru this that i am going to ask her to marry me. *gulp* . lol.

animaal

normalzone wrote: »

Thanks heaps guys.
I have decided to completly forgive her for this incident and do my best and move forward . We weren't getting along at the time and i think she was driven to it for the attention but whatever her reasons i can tell she is truly in love with me still and deeply sorry .
Life is too short for me to throw away 4 years and to leave the life i have built without giving her another chance .
I am that convinced we can work thru this that i am going to ask her to marry me. *gulp* . lol.

Congrats on getting it together. I'd like to thing I'd do the same if I was in that position.

However, I wonder, if by asking her to marry you, you're effectively saying to her "When you misbehave, it's my fault. I'll make it up to you (reward you), and you'll end up better off because of it". I'd be tempted to leave it a bit, see how the relationship goes (putting effort in, of course), and aim to make a proposal later in the year if all's well.

I could be over-analysing though.

jessbeth

From a girls perspective I would never ever to that to a guy I totally loved. I just wouldn't. The temptation would never be there in the first place.

lee_arama

I'm going to be the cynic here. Apply for guardianship of the child now.

Your child sure, but she can walk so easily and take the wee one with her. The law in this country re: father's rights is a joke. Of course I wouldn't expect anything less from a Dept of Justice as useless as the one we have.

She can't say no to you applying, not when she did what she did. Forgive her sure but use the situation to make sure you've some future security with your smallie.

Wibbs

Jessbeth I can see where you're coming from, but love and real life cant always be measured in absolutes and it shouldn't be. And can't be measured exclusively against what we might do as individuals either. A common error IMHO.

It's much more complex than that. A 4 year relationship is not the same as a 4 month or year relationship. Its easy to be absolute in the early stages. Down the line those absolutes can go out the window. They should too as it's more realistic and healthy IMHO. What we're left with, if you're lucky is a situation where your will, conscience and mind will make the right decision, based on more than hightened emotion.

She made a mistake for whatever reason. Boredom, feeling unattractive, feeling like she's not getting on with the guy in her life. Not excuses, but explanations. I would always rather a loved one had an explanation rather than an excuse. One can build a better future on the former, but only a temporary thing on the latter.

OP, Fair play for thinking on this. There's no guarantee of success, but if you both work on the reasons, there's a damn good chance of it. Work on the reasons, but ignore the symptom that brought you to this point. Good luck.

jessbeth

Wibbs wrote: »

Jessbeth I can see where you're coming from, but love and real life cant always be measured in absolutes and it shouldn't be. And can't be measured exclusively against what we might do as individuals either. A common error IMHO.

It's much more complex than that. A 4 year relationship is not the same as a 4 month or year relationship. Its easy to be absolute in the early stages. Down the line those absolutes can go out the window. They should too as it's more realistic and healthy IMHO. What we're left with, if you're lucky is a situation where your will, conscience and mind will make the right decision, based on more than hightened emotion.

She made a mistake for whatever reason. Boredom, feeling unattractive, feeling like she's not getting on with the guy in her life. Not excuses, but explanations. I would always rather a loved one had an explanation rather than an excuse. One can build a better future on the former, but only a temporary thing on the latter.

OP, Fair play for thinking on this. There's no guarantee of success, but if you both work on the reasons, there's a damn good chance of it. Work on the reasons, but ignore the symptom that brought you to this point. Good luck.

It probably is but I'm just quoting from my own personal experience as that's all I can go on
I mean if it was just a drunken kiss or something that happened once I'd say these things can happen but these two were calling, texting, massaging, admitting feelings for each other. That's not just a once off. Anyway I know from all my girlfriends that none of us would do it, but maybe we're just weird.

Chinafoot

jessbeth wrote: »

It probably is but I'm just quoting from my own personal experience as that's all I can go on
I mean if it was just a drunken kiss or something that happened once I'd say these things can happen but these two were calling, texting, massaging, admitting feelings for each other. That's not just a once off. Anyway I know from all my girlfriends that none of us would do it, but maybe we're just weird.

I think if you were in the postition this girl was in it might be different. 4 year relationship, 2 year old daughter and they weren't getting on. That can't have been easy. I'm not condoning what she did but I don't think anyone can say with 100% certainty that they would never ever do that ever, until they've been in that situation. We don't know the ins and outs of their relationship, we don't know why she did it. People make mistakes. She has come clean and apologised and he's decided to forgive her and move on.

On the marriage issue, I wouldn't agree with the "rewarding bad behaviour" theory. If the OP wants to marry her then he should ask her. They can view it as moving on to the next chapter together.

Best of luck!

Salome

Four years and a child together is a lot to consider and as the OP loves his OH, I'd agree - forgive her and move on. If you're going to forgive her, you've got to completely forget about it and don't throw it in her face everytime you have a disagreement. I think her indiscretion was a cry for help, you weren't getting on at the time. It takes two to make a relationship work.

stupidusername

Well it's impossible to know exactly what your relationship is like, but I think you should consider what you would do if there wasn't a child involved. Would you feel such drive to forgive her? I'm not saying she shouldn't deserve it, as I think it definitely wasn't just up to her what happened, there had to have been something wrong there, and to me it sounds like she felt lonely, and not getting support and love she wanted from you.

But you also have to ask the question does she really want to be with you?? If she came to you telling you she felt this way about someone else, what was that for? Surely the plan was to say she was leaving you? Maybe not, maybe I missed something. But you'd just want to give a little space to the two of ye, to think about what ye really want. Its too easy to say its ok now, because you want to be with her, but you need to make sure you're not just dragging it on for the childs sake

sunnyside

normalzone wrote: »

cause i made her ring him and put it on loudspeaker with him thinking i wasn't home and i got her to say she has been drunk alot lately and can't remember what they done so could he repeat it all he did and there stories matched so that took a load off my mind.


Why would she of done this and got feelings for another guy after four F*#@in' years?
.

That sounds very controlling to me. She could have kept this to herself and never told you so you should respect that she did tell you.

Unfortunately being in a relationship doesn't make anyone immune from being attracted to other people.

pwd

I've read that emotional fidelity is more important for a woman and sexual fidelity for a man. Things I've seen and heard in life support this idea. So the way I see it, in her own head this would be worse than snogging the guy; maybe even worse than sleeping with him.
It is also my opinion that someone who accept their partners cheating usually lose their partner's respect, and is likely to be cheated on again. I don't know if that is the same for emotional infidelity as for sexual infidelity. I wouldn't be too surprised if she secretly lost some respect for the op as a result of this. If the theory about it being about generating drama is correct, then she'd be disappointed with the acceptance and moving; possibly even hurt by it - she might think he mustn't care that much.
I don't know. If there was no kid involved I'd think a breakup would be the best thing - either permanently orwith the possibility of getting back together later.

normalzone

Well she is confused and not sure if she even had feelings for him now .
She said it wasnt like he was the first thing she thought of in the morning and last thing at night, and she now thinks he is scum of the earth , and i know you cannot just all of a sudden think that of someone if you did have feelings for them.
I think she come to me telling me this because the guilt got to much.
Maybe she did want to break up over it i am not sure but i have given her many chances to do so and told her i am leaving a few times and she says she doesn't want that .
If there wasn't a kid involved i think the bond would still be strong.
I don't know what the texting and phonecalls were about and it really annoys me , but she says she really doesn't know what she was thinking and is deeply sorry for hurting everyone involved .
I dont think she was after a reaction from me for a breakup cause i did go off my head when she told me.
I am trying to answer all these questions in 1 post lol . So sorry if i jump around a bit.
We are a young couple i am 25 and she is 23 and the last month we have been drinking (too much) with this other guy around a fair bit.
The ins and outs of the relationship where me playing the computer WAY TOO MUCH and her looking after our daughter 90% of the time we had sex about 3 times a week still and go shopping every friday ... <--thats the last year or so . day in day out.
If she wants to end it i want her too and if she wanted me to end it she had the chance. The last two days she has been trying and cuddling me more and stuff so i really think she wants it to work .
She constantly says she wants it to go back to the way it was... before the computer and the monotonous day in day out routine (aka spice) .
So i am gonna try my best to give her that and see what we can do .
I spoke about marriage today and i could see the excitement in her eyes.
Lee-Arama she would NEVER do that to me . I know for a fact i will always have my daughter.
Is it a valid reason from her POV that she really doesn't know why she done it? She just keeps saying she doesn't know and wasn't thinking.
She has lots of maybe answers for example "I think it was just cause he was being nice to me" (attention?) She doesn't even know if there was feelings from her side or not, so i get told anyway .
She says i liked him but i always loved you...
After all this has come out would there be reason to lie about that type of thing?
Anyway i had enough writing at the moment it brings me down thinking about all this crap where as if i just take her word for everything i feel ok.
Thanks for your help again guys your views are greatly appreciated.
---She is also going to be reading this thread 2morro so i will get some more answers to the questions you guys raised.

estar

i think she was just carried away by the attention and the romance of someone treating her as special. looking after a baby on your own basically can leave someone feeling low and vulnerable.

although it isnt right, and she did something wrong, because she came to you after three weeks and 4 kisses, and ws open with you to fixing it I say fix it.

if she had gone the whole way and done more, I would have seen less hope.

however.

where there re kids involved, attraction remains, and the will to fix things exists for the right reasons on both sides, partnerships can be rescued in the face of cheating, people.

if you were my friend, I would say to you, you are probably 30% to blame for this by not being supportive enough, your girlfriend is 30% and your friend is 40%.

your friend repaid your hospitality by seducing your girlfriend when he should have been in your ear saying listen mate - up your game, and treat her well.

a lesson learned. well done on turning this situation into a positive.
well done on saving your relationship and your family.

i love all the black and whiteness from people. the i would never do this and thatness. guess what. you can never say that. you can never know what situation you are going to end up in. i can practically guarantee this for you.

iguana

Hi OP I'm glad you seem to be getting your head around things and starting to envision working things out and moving forward. The only thing I'd say is be prepared that your emotions may be in for a bit of a rollercoaster over the next while. You can go from feeling quite positive about your relationship to feeling angry and confused quite quickly as different things pop into your head. And tbh, if you are feeling angry it's a good idea to work out how to let this out constructively rather than try to brush it aside.

You sound like you really do want to work things out with her, so if you do find that you get "mood-swings" about this, it might be worth seeing a relationship counselor together to help get everything out in the open.

jessbeth

Chinafoot wrote: »

I think if you were in the postition this girl was in it might be different. 4 year relationship, 2 year old daughter and they weren't getting on. That can't have been easy. I'm not condoning what she did but I don't think anyone can say with 100% certainty that they would never ever do that ever, until they've been in that situation. We don't know the ins and outs of their relationship, we don't know why she did it. People make mistakes. She has come clean and apologised and he's decided to forgive her and move on.

On the marriage issue, I wouldn't agree with the "rewarding bad behaviour" theory. If the OP wants to marry her then he should ask her. They can view it as moving on to the next chapter together.

Best of luck!

What is the point here? I'm not trying to be smart but what has the 4 years to do with it? That doesn't make it alright. I'm just saying yes she screwed up and yes she's only human but at what point during the texting, massaging, hugging, kissing, etc do you realise, oh yeah I still love my boyfriend and I just slipped up. That's not just a slip up in my opinion.

Anyway I guess if they got it sorted then it's all good so best of luck.

LegacyUser

oh dear, where to start...

The OPs girlfriend is a genius. She cheated on the op with a friend of his and now she has the op asking her for marriage as a result!! Brilliant! Sorry OP but this girl is carrying your balls around in her purse. She was beforehand and now she definately is. How you can accept what she did is astounding. You make excuses for her in every post. You are a hopeless case because you are so needy for her, which is a turn off. and LOL about her saying she doesn't know why she did it, AND THE OP ACCEPTS THIS!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

So next time she "won't know why she did it" and the OP will have no one to blame but himself.

Oh wait, she said there won't be a next time so that means there won't be a next time. Of course, we have to believe everything she says!

OP, I would give you advice but it would be a waste of my time.

MARK MY WORDS, SHE HAS LOST RESPECT FOR YOU AS A MAN (Of course she will say she hasn't but its a simple fact). The relationship is over at this point, whether you are man enough to admit it or not. She was WITH another guy, made an IDIOT of you and now you are talking about marriage! Where is your self respect? Why are you allowing her to get away with this disrespect?

Not only that, but YOU have to live with the fact that she was with someone else too and also that YOU ARE TAKING HER BACK as a result. You must feel bad about yourself for having no backbone, no matter what your retort will be.

I can only wish you luck. You're gonna need it. A LOT OF IT.

The only reason she didn't have sex with that guy is because he wasn't persistant enough about it by the way. No matter what she says, she was with him a few times and if he had smoothly escalated, your girlfriend of 4 years would have been sucking another mans c*ck and telling you "I don't know why I did it". And you would have still taken her back. or would you? Actually, don't answer that now, you can answer it in a few months when she actually does suck someone elses c*ck.

Sorry to be so harsh, but seriously you need to cop on. You won;t though, so have a happy life as a man whos girlfriend has lost respect for him and who has lost respect for himself and who allows people to treat him with the utmost disrespect and REWARDS them for it.

Chinafoot

jessbeth wrote: »

What is the point here? I'm not trying to be smart but what has the 4 years to do with it? That doesn't make it alright. I'm just saying yes she screwed up and yes she's only human but at what point during the texting, massaging, hugging, kissing, etc do you realise, oh yeah I still love my boyfriend and I just slipped up. That's not just a slip up in my opinion.

4 years has a lot to do with it. A baby has a lot to do with it. Not getting on also has a lot to do with it. People can become disillusioned with their relationships after that amount of time. Things change and people can become stuck. They can seek attention and comfort elsewhere when they feel they are unwanted by their partner. They can want a bit of excitement when, as the OP here has admitted, they have to look after their child 90% of the time with little help. This can all be difficult to deal with, particularly when the people involved are in their early 20s.

Nobody is saying the situation makes it alright. Nobody has condoned what she did. People are just saying that not everything is as black and white as "I would never do that and neither would my friends". Its very easy to be in a situation that you see as being so bleak, (as it's quite possible she did), to get caught up in some attention from someone else. The OP here admits that he spent way too much time on his computer while his girlfriend took care of their child. He admits that they were stuck in a rut. It's possible that while she got caught up in the attention and the flirty messages, she realised that the OP was the person she wanted to be with but that things needed to seriously change in their relationship. And judging by what the OP has said, they're going to work on that together.

normalzone

rrr59921 wrote: »

oh dear, where to start...

The OPs girlfriend is a genius. She cheated on the op with a friend of his and now she has the op asking her for marriage as a result!! Brilliant! Sorry OP but this girl is carrying your balls around in her purse. She was beforehand and now she definately is. How you can accept what she did is astounding. You make excuses for her in every post. You are a hopeless case because you are so needy for her, which is a turn off. and LOL about her saying she doesn't know why she did it, AND THE OP ACCEPTS THIS!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

So next time she "won't know why she did it" and the OP will have no one to blame but himself.

Oh wait, she said there won't be a next time so that means there won't be a next time. Of course, we have to believe everything she says!

OP, I would give you advice but it would be a waste of my time.

MARK MY WORDS, SHE HAS LOST RESPECT FOR YOU AS A MAN (Of course she will say she hasn't but its a simple fact). The relationship is over at this point, whether you are man enough to admit it or not. She was WITH another guy, made an IDIOT of you and now you are talking about marriage! Where is your self respect? Why are you allowing her to get away with this disrespect?

Not only that, but YOU have to live with the fact that she was with someone else too and also that YOU ARE TAKING HER BACK as a result. You must feel bad about yourself for having no backbone, no matter what your retort will be.

I can only wish you luck. You're gonna need it. A LOT OF IT.

The only reason she didn't have sex with that guy is because he wasn't persistant enough about it by the way. No matter what she says, she was with him a few times and if he had smoothly escalated, your girlfriend of 4 years would have been sucking another mans c*ck and telling you "I don't know why I did it". And you would have still taken her back. or would you? Actually, don't answer that now, you can answer it in a few months when she actually does suck someone elses c*ck.

Sorry to be so harsh, but seriously you need to cop on. You won;t though, so have a happy life as a man whos girlfriend has lost respect for him and who has lost respect for himself and who allows people to treat him with the utmost disrespect and REWARDS them for it.

Man very harsh . You're not here and don't know what we are going thru .
Millions of couples are strong enough to get over mistakes like this ..
Its not like i have gone oh thats ok babe i still love you . Trust me.
I have gone off my head more than once and today hasn't been the best day .
We want it to go back to how it was but we know it will take time .
You say i am mad at myself for having no backbone where i see it as being happy i didn't smash her face in and trash the house (as much as i wanted to) . I am not an easily stood on type of guy and she thought she was gonna cop a punch in the head for it .

My Girlfriend is gonna have her say now :

yes im a dickhead and i feel so **** because i hurt the man i love and the father of my baby.
We were not getting along much for the last 2 months and i didnt know what to do. i tried lots of things to get him off the computer and come to bed with me at night ( he went to bed at 2 everynite).
We had this friend and he was nice to me and listened to me when i talk.
I know i said i dont no y i did it, but the truth is i dont know y i did this. i hate myself for it because i lost a really good friend (my partners mate's GF) and almost lost the man of my dreams. I kept it going because he made me happy everytime i talked to him which makes me sick right now just sayin that.
I dont think my man is silly for asking me to marry him but i have also told him that i want him to ask me because he wants it not because of what i have done. i cant go by a few hours without feeling so sick because of what i have done. I think that we can get over this and maybe go back to how it was soon but yes it will take same time. I do love this man with all my heart and yes i mean it when i say it will never happen again because this mistake is the worst and only one that i will do to this man ever again.

I'm also writing this , not to defend myself but i thought it might help me by putting what i feel in words .

The Sweeper

She thought she was going to cop a punch in the head? You thought you were great for not hitting her? You made her phone the other lad and put him on speaker phone in front of you? And now your girlfriend is getting her sackcloth and ashes mojo out here on the boards in public?

...her cheating on you with your mate so isn't your biggest issue.

starchild

its good you both are deciding to try and make things work, there are no rules for something like this & no doubt if ye both put in the effort the relationship should work

best of luck

normalzone

Minesajackdaniels wrote: »

She thought she was going to cop a punch in the head? You thought you were great for not hitting her? You made her phone the other lad and put him on speaker phone in front of you? And now your girlfriend is getting her sackcloth and ashes mojo out here on the boards in public?

...her cheating on you with your mate so isn't your biggest issue.

She thought she would cop a punch cause she thinks she deserves it . I don't. There's nothing wrong with me wanting to get both sides of the story when the trust was broken to begin with i needed to know that was all that happened and this was the only way i could see (by making sure the stories matched) . Her writing down her feelings on an internet forum is hardly getting things out in public . She thought writing things down will make her feel better , and it did a bit .

vtec_vinni

Minesajackdaniels wrote: »

She thought she was going to cop a punch in the head? You thought you were great for not hitting her? You made her phone the other lad and put him on speaker phone in front of you? And now your girlfriend is getting her sackcloth and ashes mojo out here on the boards in public?

...her cheating on you with your mate so isn't your biggest issue.

aggreed.. there are other issues here that need to be addressed by the OP.. issues that will not be sorted out by getting married!

Chonker

iguana wrote: »

You sound like you really do want to work things out with her, so if you do find that you get "mood-swings" about this, it might be worth seeing a relationship counselor together to help get everything out in the open.

I second this action, I dont understand what you expect to get from the internet. Some of these answers are great some a fooking terrible. Forget about both your **** and remember the child. If it's not meant to be (and I have my own personal views on that) then get out before you both destroy each others and the childs life. Seek professional help. This place can give excellent advice but only if you can weed out the cr*p that.

Good luck with it guys. Sounds like your both going to need to put a lot of work in.

jessbeth

Chinafoot wrote: »

4 years has a lot to do with it. A baby has a lot to do with it. Not getting on also has a lot to do with it. People can become disillusioned with their relationships after that amount of time. Things change and people can become stuck. They can seek attention and comfort elsewhere when they feel they are unwanted by their partner. They can want a bit of excitement when, as the OP here has admitted, they have to look after their child 90% of the time with little help. This can all be difficult to deal with, particularly when the people involved are in their early 20s.

Nobody is saying the situation makes it alright. Nobody has condoned what she did. People are just saying that not everything is as black and white as "I would never do that and neither would my friends". Its very easy to be in a situation that you see as being so bleak, (as it's quite possible she did), to get caught up in some attention from someone else. The OP here admits that he spent way too much time on his computer while his girlfriend took care of their child. He admits that they were stuck in a rut. It's possible that while she got caught up in the attention and the flirty messages, she realised that the OP was the person she wanted to be with but that things needed to seriously change in their relationship. And judging by what the OP has said, they're going to work on that together.

I don't agree with you, using time and the baby as excuses is just using excuses to make something alright that isn't. But we'll agree to disagree. It's obvious that we're all not going to have to the same opinion on here.

Wibbs

I agree with starchild, everyones different and everyone deals with things accordingly.

Exclusive of people getting thumped, I also see where the OP is coming from tbh. When trust is broken, it's a hard thing to get back, simply because you don't know where you stand and you can't believe the other person involved. Throw in emotional shock and it's a hard hole to dig out of.

It's all very well to say "that's ok slate clean, lets move on". It can work, but it can also send the wrong message. It can say "I'll forgive you for anything, I have flexible boundaries and will always take you back". Not good. I will say this; in my own life, where I was as easy going as that, it came back to bite me. I think for the reason rrr59921 clumsily gave. The other person loses some respect for you.

The times I said enough was enough. You broke a boundary and I will not stand for that. No threats or any of that. I just walked away, after letting them calmly know how I felt. In those examples, it didn't come back to bite me.

I would work that principle in any relationship I may have, lover, friend, family.

As for the speaker phone? I think he was right. While he has to show his partner more attention and love, she(as far as the reason the chap is looking for advice) broke trust and the onus is on her to reestablish it. An open speaker phone did so.

jessbeth wrote:

I don't agree with you, using time and the baby as excuses is just using excuses to make something alright that isn't.

I could be wrong, but I think what jessbeth is saying is that a 4 year relationship has a different dynamic to say a 6 month one. I have found those with the more black and white attitudes to things like this have never had a relationship longer than 2/3 years, or have had a really really long term one from their teens. IMHO this black and white idea is unrealistic. I have found that people who feel like that are actually more likely to cheat, as they don't expect those kind of feelings to happen.

Unless a person is a mentaller, very very few people cheat when they're "in love". Very few. Cheating, if it happens, kicks in after that phase has passed. In the OP's case, boredom, lack of attention, feeling undervalued etc, can lead ones eye to stray. BTW it's not an excuse it's an explanation.

Stats seem to say that given the chance, 50% of people will cheat. Men and women. I think that's on the low side and depends with age and circumstance too. From what I've seen, young women(18-25) cheat more than men of the same age and emotionally cheat way more. The pendulum then swings the other way in men over 35. Should this excuse it? No. Not at all.

Again looking back in my own life, when a woman has cheated on me in a long termer, in every case but one, the reason they did, was 50/50 down to me. Either I wasn't giving them the attention they deserved or I had gotten emotionally lazy with them and indeed myself, or I ignored issues that repeatedly came up. Again not an excuse for them to play away, but a reason. I would be far more aware of not doing that now, so ironically those women taught me a valuable lesson.

If both the OP and his partner, see and act on the lessons they both can learn, this relationship could end up being more strong than many so called good relationships. I hope they do anyway and wish them luck.

jessbeth

I know my attitude seems very black and white and sure I'm only 22, maybe I am unrealistic but I find it just a bit too much to say just because the excitment is gone etc that the next natural step is cheating on someone. What about talking about the problem? What about not letting things get stale in the first place? If it was only one snog then fine, but this was mutual contact for a lenght of time. Anyway I guess my point is mute here.

normalzone

Jess she told me a million times that i am on the computer too much and need to do more as a family . As others have said tho thats not an excuse its only an explanation. Anyway...... Thanks everyone for your help and even to those who critisism wasn't so constructive as destructive .
I stick by our choice to move on and after time we can work thru this .
We are going to get counciling for whatever other issue's we may have cause we really want this to work .
I also disagree that not many people in love cheat . From my life experiences you can be madly in love with someone and cheat and feel better when your with someone else simply for the attention . Not even refering to my other half but a few cases of people i know , who also decided to get help and work it out . Anyway thanks again to everyone you guys really helped us out.

jessbeth

normalzone wrote: »

Jess she told me a million times that i am on the computer too much and need to do more as a family . As others have said tho thats not an excuse its only an explanation. Anyway...... Thanks everyone for your help and even to those who critisism wasn't so constructive as destructive .
I stick by our choice to move on and after time we can work thru this .
We are going to get counciling for whatever other issue's we may have cause we really want this to work .
I also disagree that not many people in love cheat . From my life experiences you can be madly in love with someone and cheat and feel better when your with someone else simply for the attention . Not even refering to my other half but a few cases of people i know , who also decided to get help and work it out . Anyway thanks again to everyone you guys really helped us out.

Well it only shows that you've got great strenght of character and I genuinely wish you the best of luck with it. I hope everything works out

karen3212

normalzone wrote: »

.
We are going to get counciling .

I think that is the best thing to do and well done to both of you. It will hopefully help you both to communicate better.

I agree with you that your girlfriend has told you why she acted as she did, even though she doesn't seem to realise why herself.

Wibbs

jessbeth wrote: »

I know my attitude seems very black and white and sure I'm only 22, maybe I am unrealistic but I find it just a bit too much to say just because the excitment is gone etc that the next natural step is cheating on someone.

Oh no don't get me wrong, it's not the next natural step, but it is understandable. It's more likely to happen if a person has an overly romantic notion of relationships in the first place. When the initial heavy duty romance passes, they then wonder why that happened and automatically feel like it's not working, whereas in fact it was just a natural progression of the relationship.

What about talking about the problem? What about not letting things get stale in the first place?

Yes that's the trick alright, but again if ones experience is only of the high emotional state, where everything "just happens", then the staleness can easily sneak up. Talking about it can seem weird as the connection happened "naturally" before.

If it was only one snog then fine, but this was mutual contact for a lenght of time.

Yes there was the emotional connection or she was seeking an emotional connection she felt lacking at home. Men tend to worry more about the physical cheating, I would be more worried about emotional cheating.

Anyway I guess my point is mute here.

Not really, both sides an all that. The more the merrier really and it looks like the OP and his partner are on the right track anyway. Throw in effort and this could be the best thing to happen to them as a couple and a family.

3DataModem

normalzone wrote: »

Then 3 days ago she broke down crying and told me the lot.

That's a good start IMO. She admitted it, she knows it's wrong. You are allowed be upset and a little distrustful, but you'll both get over it.

These things happen. I'm glad to hear you found a way through it. Best of luck.

deargas

Curious,

what are you doing on the computer _EVERY_NIGHT_ until 2?

normalzone

deargas wrote: »

Curious,

what are you doing on the computer _EVERY_NIGHT_ until 2?

WAS... and it was dam world of warcraft.

Liam Byrne

sunnyside wrote: »

Unfortunately being in a relationship doesn't make anyone immune from being attracted to other people.

True, but it SHOULD prevent them acting on it.

Chinafoot

jessbeth wrote: »

I know my attitude seems very black and white and sure I'm only 22, maybe I am unrealistic but I find it just a bit too much to say just because the excitment is gone etc that the next natural step is cheating on someone. What about talking about the problem? What about not letting things get stale in the first place? If it was only one snog then fine, but this was mutual contact for a lenght of time. Anyway I guess my point is mute here.

With all due respect Jessbeth, at no point in any of my posts did I make excuses for what the girl did. I don't think anyone did. I explicity stated that I'm not condoning what she did. There is a big difference between excuses and explanations, as has already been pointed out. Nobody has said that the next "natural step is cheating". I'm not sure where you got that from. What people like myself have tried to show you is that not everything is as simple as "I'd never do that". The OP has held his hands up here about how his girlfriend tried to talk to him. He didn't listen to her.

I hope they do work it out.

jessbeth

Chinafoot wrote: »

With all due respect Jessbeth, at no point in any of my posts did I make excuses for what the girl did. I don't think anyone did. I explicity stated that I'm not condoning what she did. There is a big difference between excuses and explanations, as has already been pointed out. Nobody has said that the next "natural step is cheating". I'm not sure where you got that from. What people like myself have tried to show you is that not everything is as simple as "I'd never do that". The OP has held his hands up here about how his girlfriend tried to talk to him. He didn't listen to her.

I hope they do work it out.

Thanks Wibbs and Chinafoot for your imput. I can also see where you're both coming from. I hope they work it out too.

pwd

normalzone wrote: »

WAS... and it was dam world of warcraft.

ah ha!
that game seems as addictive as crack. Should be restricted or something!

Loomis

The four years and a 2 year old child didn't mean much to her when she was confessing feelings to your mate. But you're supposed to in order to forgive her?
She can argue that the kiss was a mistake, a one off, (personally that wouldn't wash with me) but you can hardly pass off expressing feelings as a "one off".

normalzone wrote:

and she now thinks he is scum of the earth

So what does that make her?

SJPRogue

Simple:

Slap friend.
Dump girlfriend.
Rediscover single mischief.
Enjoy WoW.


As for rebound/marriage. Don't do it. It sucks.

THIS IS AN OPPORTUNITY. DON'T FLUFF IT.


(dunno why people over complicate things)

Wagon

SJPRogue wrote: »

Simple:

Slap friend.

Or just ignore the stupid ****er.

Dump girlfriend.

I think in this case, it's very salvageable. And she regrets everthing by the sounds of things.

Rediscover single mischief.
Enjoy WoW.

Those two are mutually exclusive. AND it's a poxy, terrible game. End of story.

OP, the best of luck with it. Hope it works out very well for the three of you.

SJPRogue

Wagon wrote: »

Hope it works out very well for the three of you.

I didn't see that opportunity.... to explore the hidden pleasures of shared lovin'.

Wibbs

SJPRogue unhelpful posts are not welcome on this forum. Please read the charter. Thank you.