Accidentily Destroying Friendships

LegacyUser

Hi,

I have this problem over the last 16 months where I seem to do things so stupid and I end up ruining or scarring a friendship. I don't mean any offense or badness or spitefulness and I do things because at the time, I believe what I'm doing is in their best interests and I do it for good reason. However it turns back on me as I didn't realize the reactions I would get, and end up in deep regret and I start reflecting on how I would do it differently.

It's come to the point where friends are telling me they might permanently cut contact, which scares me because I don't do these things to offend them or cause them stress or suffering. So I do things in their best interests, and then end up making a mistake stupidly...and I only realize it was a mistake after the event happened. Before the event, I think I'm doing right and get shocked by reactions of friends sometimes.

I'm genuinely apologetic after the event happens, and want things to return to normal, but I really want to stop making these mistakes, I really like the friends I have and would do anything for them, I'm really close to them all. But sometimes, my apologies fall on deaf ears, even though I do sincerely mean them...most sincerely!!

I'm worried now in the future, I will say or do another "mistake" and eventually will destroy my friendships. Hearing them say to me "I'll cut contact" is like a blade through my heart, it hurts so much...and I don't mean any harm to them whatsoever...it gets to me sometimes.

Any advice would be appreciated. I *need* to stop making these mistakes, for my friends, and for my myself.

Monkey61

What exactly are you saying or doing to these people?

Either you are being completely unreasonable and disregarding social boundaries, or they are being unreasonable.

I think advice given would need to be based on which of the above it is.

LegacyUser

The short and simple answer to your question is - stop interfering in your friends lives.

Your heart might well be in the right place, but you're not a mind reader - you do not know what your friends want, feel, need or what is best for them. I take it they are grown adults - they are responsible for themselves, they can look after themselves.

Salome

I had something kinda similar - I once told a friend that I thought her social life relied far too much on alcohol. Understandably, she went ballistic and didn't talk to me for months. We're communicating again but I don't think it will ever be the same again.

Sometimes, even if you have the best intentions and are trying to help, the moral of the story is Butt Out. Your friends will not thank you for your honesty, even if your concern is justified.

LegacyUser

I don't interfere in their lives. I try to give my advice as best I can, but don't dictate to them what they should do or shouldn't do. I give my advice when they ask for it also, and I don't offend my friends either...and not like the "honesty" situation described by a OP there.

These are simple things which just shouldn't happen. Most have taken place when I have drink on me, and I'm determined to cut my drinking habit, because obviously if I do that, then I will have less bad occurrences.

Not completely - but to a normal sociable level that doesn't allow me to do something stupid that I'll regret for a long time.

I'll try and take a step back from my friends for a while I think - I don't want them hating me over something which shouldn't have happened or something that my intentions were viewed differently.

I think the "unregistered" poster had a point above...I don't know what they think or need right now...that's important I believe. I think I'll take that into consideration before I do anything again.

I have to learn from these mistakes...HAVE TO...I can't continue this stress filled way of life or else I'll lose everybody.

LegacyUser

"Unregistered" poster from before here...

Do get the drinking sorted... for your own health apart from anything else. It causes so much damage, it's so not worth it. Who can afford it now anyway, with the recession and all... :P

You sound like a genuine person who really cares about your friends, but sometimes the best way to be a friend is to just be there for them while they make their own mistakes. If you don't make mistakes, you can't learn from them.

Best of luck

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies guys, I appreciated it.

I've never felt so down in a few years. I really feel bad about this mistake and I don't think I can come back to repair the damage I've done. My friends are my life, and without my friends, I have no life.

I can't deal with this constant churning in my head of the situations I've done wrong and can't go back to repair. I respect my friends too much, and so I think it may be time for me to leave them be -- for their own sake as well as mine...it's hard but I have to do it.

I'm going on a walk now...a large part of me doesn't want to come back from it, and I don't know where I'll go, but I'll just head wherever the roads take me.

I appreciate all the advice, I wish I could go back in time and things would be much different today.

Bye...

LegacyUser

OP if your saying stuff you dont mean when drunk then you have to give up the drink. If you have problems then talk them over with someone

I also went through this experience and i seen it happen to a couple of friends. you go them and apologize aqnbd it will be seen as a storm in a teacup. If it out of character then your other friends will stand up for you. after a while it will be forgotten. But dont let it keep happening or people might think you are doing it on purpose

LegacyUser

I know, I'm not doing it on purpose or anything. Just **** seems to happen with all my friends and I can't seem to stop it. I'm vowing to myself that I will...I'm so sick of making these mistakes.

I just hope things can return back to normal soon...cos I'm too stressed out at the moment due to the **** I've done...even though it had my best intentions.

estar

if you find yourself doing inexplicable things when drunk and then trying to explain them - and not understanding them yourself, then you dont have control over alcohols effect on you.

you know you dont have to be sitting under a bridge drinking out of a bag having lost eveything to drink to have a problem with drink.

and controlled drinking isnt the answer. as you never know when you will have that one too many

a problem with drink starts with broken relationships. if things you say or do when you drink are causing you a problem to the extent that your friends are saying they will cut you.

then you have to ask, is alcohol worth this? i can tell you it isnt.

some people just dont suit drink. ask your family, as not being able to handle drink is something that sometimes is a family trait.

all i know is, i had this problem, couldnt explain it, didnt want to be the person who couldnt control something, but had to stop because i didnt know when the next outburst would happen.

stop now while you stll havent lost that much.

AA are really supportive. you might not be in a place where you feel they are appropriate, but its not just for the desperados and the god fearing.

its also for people who cannot understand why alcohol affects them the way they do, and want to meet more people like that.

there are a lot of people - and i watch them - who dont change when they drink. they dont say things they dont mean. they dont lose control. they dont keep on having bad nights. they dont hurt people.

and then there are people like me, who after two glasses of wine, change. say things they dont mean. turn into the asshole. and dont want to be the asshole. and arent really one when sober.

and thats the difference.

you have an alternative.

estar

and people will forgive you,

give up alcohol and show them that because you hurt them you changed.

and people will forgive you,

estar

i have a problem with that accidental word in the title/

harsh - but you know you have a problem controlling yourself with drink.

so after this incident, if you pick up a drink again, and end up in this situation again,

it cannot be described as an accident

as you are a self aware person wth the power to choose what you put in your body.

harsh - but the truth will set you free!! own your behaviour!!!

LegacyUser

I don't have a problem with drinking though. I'm not an alcoholic in any sense and drink on rare enough occasions. I do take full responsibility for my actions if I do something wrong with drink on me.

The most recent incident didn't involve drink one bit...I only realized it was a mistake after it happened, and had my best intentions beforehand, although it doesn't seem to matter how much I tell the truth here, it goes unnoticed, and I get called a person who causes pain and stress among others. That it not me and hurts when people say it to me.

I can understand why they do that, but I'm blaming myself 100% for all these situations, I don't blame my friends for their reactions, even though they rarely listen to my explanation where I tell the 100% truth...I hate this feeling of regret...eats you up so it does.

I'll cut the drink out...it's not worth it if I'm losing people either.

estar

you are doing the right thing by listening to peoples reactions to you.

the reason I am suggesting AA is that their programme is not just about
not drinking -thats just the begining its also about personal development
and looking at yourself and how you react to situations. you can achive that through exploring yourself and your reactions with a therapist either. or self evaluation. however i think that listening to other people and thier struggles and how they cope is really effective.

none of us are perfect. none of us please our friends all the time. however what you need to learn is how to behave in a manner that you are happy with as being appropriate, and to surround yourself with people that are also happy with this.

now maybe you have the wrong friends, and maybe you are wrong yourself, and you seem a little lost in yourself. its not about who is to blame or if you are wrong or they are wrong.

examine the situation in question. what was said. how did it make you feel.
look at that situation with complete honesty.

a useful thing to ask people when they are complaining about something or a situation is - how did you want me to behave, what outcome did you want.

then listen to this without interruppting and reflect back what you think.

it is good that others cause you to think about how you behave.

it is to be commended.

you dont seem to want to go into details about exactly what happened.

Slutmonkey57b

OP it's almost impossible to give you advice here without knowing what it is you've done to these friends. Did you get drunk and puke in their handbag? Tell them their GF is a bitch? Try and set them up on a blind date?