Why does BF say "Sorry" constantly?

LegacyUser

My BF says "sorry" probably 50 times per day...Any little thing, it's "sorry." In most cases I'm not angry or even slightly annoyed. It's like he says it as a preemptive thing. I'm starting to find it annoying. Even his texts are filled with "sorries." Why do you think he does this? It's obviously a habit, but where does it come from?

In a way I find it insincere because it dillutes the true meaning of an apology. He even says sorry in bed if he just bumps me the slightest bit and I barely even noticed it myself.

Any armchair shrinks care to take a stab at why he does this?

Overheal

Any armchair shrinks

You rang?

Behavior picked up in childhood. Probably something in his family life. Probably his parents. Who knows. But I imagine that kind of behavior would make someone very apprehensive and insecure. Have you talked much? How much do you know about eachother?

MagicMarker

Next time he says sorry for no reason bring it up, tell him he doesn't need to keep saying sorry all the time.

Seriously, how do relationships last these days? This is a non issue and something that can be easily rectified by means of COMMUNICATION.

Propellerhead

Unregistered wrote: »

My BF says "sorry" probably 50 times per day...Any little thing, it's "sorry." In most cases I'm not angry or even slightly annoyed. It's like he says it as a preemptive thing. I'm starting to find it annoying. Even his texts are filled with "sorries." Why do you think he does this? It's obviously a habit, but where does it come from?

In a way I find it insincere because it dillutes the true meaning of an apology. He even says sorry in bed if he just bumps me the slightest bit and I barely even noticed it myself.

Any armchair shrinks care to take a stab at why he does this?

I have a good idea that your BF has dealt with some quite dominant figures in his life who don't have a very good handle on their own boundaries vis a vis your BF, possibly his family or his employers. He is constantly defensive because of this, IMHO.

The worst way you could handle this would be to pull him up assertively over it when he apologises to you again. The best way, if you really want to get to the root of the problem and maintain and deepen your relationship with him, is be calm and gentle with him and honestly discuss your concerns with him. Otherwise he will stay on the defensive and probably your relationship will collapse as a result.

dub45

There is a really good friend of mine who does this all the time. I regularly wish he wouldnt (more for his own sake than mine) but at the same time I can assure you that the last thing it is is insincerity. We all have our foibles and surely a relationship is about dealing with this type of thing in a fairly routine sort of way? I am sure there are loads of people out there who would be only too glad if their partner apologied even occassionally.....

Monkey61

It can be as much a verbal tic (though probably born out of insecurity and fear of doing wrong and not being good enough) as saying "like" all the time.

I used to do it a lot.

Friend: Will you stop apologising?
Me: Right yeah, sorry
Friend: Aagh stop, you're doing it again. Just stop saying it!
Me: Sorry...ah...ah...sorry
Friend: Seriously now...
Me: Sor...aaaaaahhh

Ad nauseum.

If you keep calling him on it, he will eventually break the habit. He probably doesn't even notice he's doing it anymore.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

Mr. Frost

MagicMarker wrote: »

Next time he says sorry for no reason bring it up, tell him he doesn't need to keep saying sorry all the time.

Seriously, how do relationships last these days? This is a non issue and something that can be easily rectified by means of COMMUNICATION.

Not much of an issue, I agree.

I'd have to question people's mentality if they can't resolve the smallest issues in their lives. How do you survive and grow as a person when constantly seeking the perfect answer for every little problem that comes your way? Live your life and don't be afraid to make mistakes.*

* Not nescessarily directed at the OP but people in general.

Silverfish

Mr. Frost wrote: »

Not much of an issue, I agree.

I'd have to question people's mentality if they can't resolve the smallest issues in their lives. How do you survive and grow as a person when constantly seeking the perfect answer for every little problem that comes your way? Live your life and don't be afraid to make mistakes.*

* Not nescessarily directed at the OP but people in general.

This is what the personal issues forum is here for. Read the charter.

If you can't contribute please refrain from posting.

K-9

I'd go with donegalfellas suggestion. If it's 50 times a day it's probably a bad habit. You really have to point it out to him as he probably isn't conscious of it.

Mr. Frost

Silverfish wrote: »

This is what the personal issues forum is here for. Read the charter.

If you can't contribute please refrain from posting.

My point is: not everything is an issue. Seems people are forgetting how to think for themselves in some cases is all. :rolleyes:

lainypops

Mr. Frost wrote: »

My point is: not everything is an issue. Seems people are forgetting how to think for themselves in some cases is all. :rolleyes:

I understand where you're coming from Mr. Frost but one of my ex's used to do this too and it drove me up the wall. I remember one time he woke me up early one morning to say sorry to me for something that I 'made' him do the night before!! I felt like I was dealing with a child at times.

In the end it turned out to be an incredible case of insecurity. He was a gentle soul naturally but his previous gf who... by all accounts wasn't the nicest or most tolerant person on the planet... had spent 7 years berating him.

OP your bf may just have picked up a bad habit or he may suffer from terrible insecurity. Best to chat to him about it and try to get to the bottom of why he does it before making any drastic decisions.

P.s. Myself and the ex broke up for other reasons

Twinkle-star15

He probably doesn't notice he's doing it- and he probably doesn't mean it most of the time. If it's really excessive, talk to him about it- but don't keep on at him, it could only make it worse, especially if it's from low self-esteem or something.

Yakult

ahh i used to have that habit with my ex girlfriend. Not as extreame as that mind you but on a level I did.

It was based on my insecurity, could be different with your Bf tho. But I eventually stopped because she basicly told me about it and it annoyed her, then of course I went " ok.. sorry" lol.
You need to just make him aware of it, worked for me.

LegacyUser

I'd say just approach it gently and in a lighthearted way with him, but I don't think you should be getting so annoyed. Maybe you just began to notice it one day and now it's that kind of thing that you can't ignore, because everytime you hear it it reminds you of that fact that it annoys you....if that makes sense. Like my roommate drags her feet all the time, and normally it wouldn't be annoying, but now EVERYTIME I hear it it irritates me so much, maybe because my brain expects me to be irritated.



Anyway, if it really has gotten to the point where you have to bring it up, just be nice about it.

LegacyUser

I know a friend of mine who used to constantly say sorry, in a very similar way to your boyfriend later found out he had mild OCD and that this was a not uncommon thing. Not saying that this applies here though

mumhaabu

This is a habit derived from his own insecuirtys and lack of assertiveness. He says this as a preemptive apology which has become part of his subconcious, it like a defensive shield relating to a time during his early developmental stages whervy he was either bullied alot or survived under a really strict regime. It happens to the best of us as we are so smitten with a GF that we can't bear to offend her for fear of confrontation.

The guy needs to be more assertive (which may be a bad thing if you want to be the controlling dominant partner in the relastionship).

jdivision

Some people are being mannerly when they use it, or at least think they are. It's another way of saying excuse me.

Awayindahils

I say sorry all the time. I picked it up as a bad habit from my mum.

It drives my friends mental. I have no solution though.

mikemac

I do it all the time too but I never say "excuse me"

Like I want to get off a Dublin bus but there are people standing by the door.
So I say sorry, but realy I don't have anything to be sorry for...get outta the way!
Or I can't hear somebody on the phone so I say sorry even if it's their fault. Must stop this some day.

I didn't realy thing of the insecurity part, I would say it's just a habit.
Much the same way some say "like" in every sentance, usually in a fake American accent

bangersandmash

Monkey61 wrote: »

Friend: Will you stop apologising?
Me: Right yeah, sorry
Friend: Aagh stop, you're doing it again. Just stop saying it!
Me: Sorry...ah...ah...sorry

Funny, I think I once had a practically identical conversation along those lines.

I had the same habit in the past and wasn't even aware how often I used the word 'sorry' until someone pointed it out. Since then I've noticed that many other Irish people have the same habit, in the same way that many Irish people will punctuate their sentences with 'like' or 'em'.

I can perfectly understand if you find this an irritation. But I'm not sure I get your point about it devaluing apologies. It's not difficult to distinguish between the sentiment behind a genuine apology and an almost involuntary tic.

Lorrs33

I say sorry a lot for little things, my friends have pointed it out to me and tried to get me to stop, but force of habit. I don't want to upset people and I have a lack of confidence, so it just comes out.

LegacyUser

I used to do this a lot when I had no confidence in myself and when I was younger.

Playing football and messing a pass "sorry".

Throwing a crap frisbee "sorry"

Even this summer playing a bit of kick around and being the worst at it saying "sorry" each time I fluffed a ball.

It's all to do with confidence and he may think, cos I was like taht with a girl ages ago, and would always feel in the wrong as I felt she was running the relationship and that she called the shots.