Clingy girl?

LegacyUser

This might be a little hard to articulate without coming across as a jerk. Maybe I am a jerk.

I started a long-distance relationsip with a girl a couple of months ago. We're both quite busy, so it can be hard to find the time to meet up. I'm thinking of ending the relationship since the girl seems to me to be far too clingy. She calls me every day without fail, to the extent that it can feel like a chore to talk to her. I'd much rather talk to her every other day, or once every few days and really enjoy it.

I once left my phone in the office which meant that I couldn't answer it, and when I got in the next day there were seven missed calls on my phone. Granted, she was a little drunk that night, but maybe you can understand what I mean when I say the whole thing feels way too intense.

The reason I'm posting this is that I just got off the phone with her. She wanted me to come visit her tonight, which I can't do because there's something important I have to do at home tomorrow. The next time we can see each other is in two week's time. I told her that and got thirty second's silence in reponse. I choose my own working hours which means I could see her during the week, but if I do that once, she'll expect me to do it again, meaning I'll get a lot less work done. What I'm doing now will directly affect my career, so I really don't want to miss work.

Having said all that, whenever I do see her, I feel great about things for a couple of days. Then things return to the way I described them above.

I've always been quite an independent guy. I need a lot of time alone, and I get the impression she's the opposite. I've been single for most of my life, and she's had a boyfriend pretty much constantly since she was a teenager. As I said, I think I'm going to have to end this, but I just want to figure out what went wrong. Really, I'm trying to figure out if I'm being cold or if she's being clingy. Or both. Do most long-distance relationships work like this?

Lollipops23

You clearly don't want to be in a relationship. you don't want to talk to the girl or see her by the sounds of things.

The_Conductor

Its normal to meetup if you're in a relationship.
If you're not willing to make an effort- and relationships do take an effort on the part of both people- then you have to accept that you do not have what it takes to be in that relationship and be honest with the girl.

Ringing your boyfriend or girlfriend a couple of times while you're drunk sounds pretty normal- not bunny boiler territory at all. However if you're not going to be able to meetup for a forthnight but could easily shuffle your hours around and meetup midweek- but are unwilling to do so- that is far more elucidating than the 7 missed calls.......

Put the poor girl out of her misery- its obvious you don't want to be with her.

Doctor DooM

The problem here is familiar, actually.

Phoning every day is not sustainable. Anyone who has been in a LDR will tell you this. You need a little distance and time or it becomes a chore.

Not enough happens in a day for there to be news to "report", and in the case of men that tends to be what they use the phone for.

That's why things are great when you meet. It's something different, you're seeing the person, not "reporting" to her.

You can either call it a day if this is how she wants things, or talk to her- explain she's making life difficult- in the nicest possible way- and see hwo she reacts.

LegacyUser

Thank you SDoom, that pretty much summarises my position. Maybe I didn't make that clear in my first post. Those other two comments kind of made me feel like crap.

sarahirl

in a long distance relationship myself so i know what you're talking about. we've been going out 6 years with 3 of those apart, me in dublin and him in UK. we do talk every day (skype phones from 3 - blessing!!) and see each other once a month with me living in the UK every summer. i get the feeling you're within an hour or two's driving distance, am i right? if you don't want to talk every night that's fair enough - we don't talk every single night, but if you're not doing something like being out with mates, it can be hurtful to say that you would prefer not to talk to them. also that warm fuzzy feeling you get after you see her could be after-sex glow... i'm just saying, not trying to be funny or insulting. what i'd honestly suggest is say you need a hiatus on the phone calls for a week and see how you feel then. in effect 'a break'. it's much easier than dragging the relationship out further and then telling her something hasn't been right for a long time as that is cruel. hope this helps and you two work out something

Lollipops23

SDooM wrote: »

Phoning every day is not sustainable. Anyone who has been in a LDR will tell you this. You need a little distance and time or it becomes a chore.

I think this may be a man/woman prob, most of my female mates would "check in"(different to "reporting" to) with their OH while the lads genuinely wouldn't think to....but not wanting to even meet with her?different kettle of fish.

albert-bundy

serious what is the point of this thread..EITHER
A.your a ???? and can not make a decision
B. your enjoying the feeling of power that this gives you.
or C. your 13.
either way make your own mind up and have the decency to not post something in public.. ah maybe its "dumped by boards" you try to achieve never thought of that sorry carry on

LegacyUser

albert-bundy wrote: »

serious what is the point of this thread.. a .your a wimp and can not make a decision
b. your enjoying the feeling of power that this gives you.
or c. your 13.
either way make your oown mind up and have the decency to but post something in public.. ah maybe its dumped by boards you try to achieve never thought of that sorry carry on

Great, very ****ing helpful. Maybe I need advice because I'm in a distance relationship that has gone sour and I don't understand why. Ever stop to consider that?

lolli

op,

You seem like that you want to be your own person and to have your own independence without having to answer someone. If you are in a relationship it is only natural that you should want to talk to your partner and meet up with them, but you seem to be all about yourself and arent putting yourself out at all for your girlfriend. Do her a favour and break up with her.

lainypops

albert-bundy wrote: »

serious what is the point of this thread.. a .your a wimp and can not make a decision
b. your enjoying the feeling of power that this gives you.
or c. your 13.
either way make your oown mind up and have the decency to but post something in public.. ah maybe its dumped by boards you try to achieve never thought of that sorry carry on

What was the point of that?? The OP is looking for useful advice. :rolleyes:

OP i've been in similar situations and to be honest it just sounds like you don't feel strongly enough for her. Yes all relationships take hard work and effort but particularly long distance relationships. I think that there has to be a strong bond between two people in order to sustain an LDR and it doesn't seem like that bond is there, at least not for you anyway.
Through experience, I know that if at the beginnings stages of a relationship, you start to feel like it's all a bit of a chore, it's only going to get worse. My advice to you would be to break up with the girl sooner rather than later. Sorry.

Silverfish

albert-bundy wrote: »

serious what is the point of this thread.. a .your a wimp and can not make a decision
b. your enjoying the feeling of power that this gives you.
or c. your 13.
either way make your oown mind up and have the decency to but post something in public.. ah maybe its dumped by boards you try to achieve never thought of that sorry carry on

Infracted. Please read the charter of this forum before posting.

GB15

I think most replies are being a bit harsh on the OP. I don't think this is anything to do with how the OP feels about his girlfriend so saying he can't make a decision is making assumptions about him.

I have been in a long distance relationship before and after a while I really didn't like the daily phonecalls - as you said they were a real chore for me.

We always got on great for example during summers when we could live together.

Also this isn't exactly a time to be sacrificing your career.

Wibbs

Lollipops23 wrote: »

I think this may be a man/woman prob, most of my female mates would "check in"(different to "reporting" to) with their OH while the lads genuinely wouldn't think to....but not wanting to even meet with her?different kettle of fish.

Maybe its an individual thing too. As a guy I actually like the daily chats when in a relationship. long distance or not. I only don't if I'm not that pushed or if I feel she isn't. In the OP's case I suspect the former, though it could also be the familiarity of her ringing everyday. Could you imagine living with her, if this irritates?

Pub07

SDooM wrote: »

The problem here is familiar, actually.

Phoning every day is not sustainable. Anyone who has been in a LDR will tell you this. You need a little distance and time or it becomes a chore.

Not enough happens in a day for there to be news to "report", and in the case of men that tends to be what they use the phone for.

That's why things are great when you meet. It's something different, you're seeing the person, not "reporting" to her.

You can either call it a day if this is how she wants things, or talk to her- explain she's making life difficult- in the nicest possible way- and see hwo she reacts.

+1.

There's nothing wrong with you op, being expected to have a phone call with someone every day purely for the sake of it when there is absolutely no news to report gets old pretty quick. And I can see why meeting up works much better for you, Im the same myself, prefer to talk face to face than indulge in pointless small talk over the phone just for the sake of it. I dont really see any way you can tell her to cool off with the calls without p*ssing her off. Maybe just send her a pre-emptive text asking her how her day was and try and get her into the habit of texting for this kind of small talk.

anonymous_joe

I've been in a long distance relationship before, and if I'm honest mate, from reading your post, the heart's not in it.

Talking to your gf shouldn't be something you view as a chore in all honesty. If it is, then the problem's not you, nor is it her, it's that you're not that interested in her as a person. That's not really a suitable foundation for a relationship.

I don't want to sound preachy (because I'm not, trust me ) but for your own sake and for hers, you need to stop and take stock. What do you want from this or any relationship, and what does she want? In all honesty, she probably just needs a little bit of reassurance, distance can play havoc with people's minds. I went out with someone who'd been treated pretty badly in relationships before, and sometimes (not frequently thankfully) that would manifest itself in what most of us call clinginess.

Also, just a thought, maybe your gf really likes talking to you?

Doctor DooM

Lollipops23 wrote: »

I think this may be a man/woman prob, most of my female mates would "check in"(different to "reporting" to) with their OH while the lads genuinely wouldn't think to....but not wanting to even meet with her?different kettle of fish.

It's not that he doesn't want to meet her. He pointed out it would take a considerable amount of effort to do so and may damage his future. I don't think he should do so myself, unless he is sure this relationship will go the distance.

He also pointed out he does enjoy time with her, and in no way indicated he wants to hurt her. He's not being selfish, he's just in a difficult situation.

I speak this as someone who spent alot of time finding time for phone calls, trips to England, etc, for 3 and a half years. It is tiring and difficult, but I think perhaps the OPs other half doesn't quite "get" his situation.

He doesn't come across as nasty to me just... tired. And I think it really would help him to have an honest conversation with his GF over this... and if this goes nasty, at least he knows.

cuckoo

anonymous_joe wrote: »

I don't want to sound preachy (because I'm not, trust me ) but for your own sake and for hers, you need to stop and take stock. What do you want from this or any relationship, and what does she want? In all honesty, she probably just needs a little bit of reassurance, distance can play havoc with people's minds. I went out with someone who'd been treated pretty badly in relationships before, and sometimes (not frequently thankfully) that would manifest itself in what most of us call clinginess.

Also, just a thought, maybe your gf really likes talking to you?

I agree about distance sometimes distorting things in the mind.

Could it be possible that you are pulling away a little anyway, your girlfriend is sensing this (maybe without being consciously aware of it) and is ringing a lot looking for reassurance?

I'm with Wibbs on this one, i like daily chats in a relationship - long or short distance. Doesn't matter if it's a 3 minute conversation about the weather, I like being able to share part of my day.

If you want the relationship to continue have a chat with her about it the next time you have face to face time - 'good night' texts could be a compromise?

fuzzywiggle

You really just need to break up with her. I would find it perfectly acceptable to call my boyfriend everyday, and it's a whole other thing when you don't see each other for days/weeks, a phone a call would a day would be a definite. And the 7 missed calls, maybe see was worried about you? You obviously don't have the right feelings for her.
You seem very cold and unreasonable.

jessbeth

Hi OP, it really sounds like you're just not into this girl. If you were you'd love chatting on the phone and meeting up. It doesn't make you a bad person, it just means she's not Miss Right for you. She's obviously really likes you so maybe it would be kinder to end it and then you can live your life exactly the way you want. I guarantee that when you find Miss Right you will be excited about meeting up etc and not finding it a chore.

ChicaWeen

I dont think its that he is not into her, but that her phoning him everyday is the major problem. The best thing to do is talk to her about it, if it is the case that you do still want to see her in a relationship capacity then sit her down, say it to her straight, phoning me every day is beginning to bug me. It will upset her, as she is probably unaware that it is pissing you off (amazing and all as we girls are we dont read minds), explain that you value your independence greatly - but that you do look forward to seeing her (just not every day) and that your career is number one in your mind at the moment (again unless you have explained this to her she isnt going to know it), if she wants to take that on board and still continue the relationship that is her decision to make..

The_Conductor

ChicaWeen wrote: »

I dont think its that he is not into her, but that her phoning him everyday is the major problem. The best thing to do is talk to her about it, if it is the case that you do still want to see her in a relationship capacity then sit her down, say it to her straight, phoning me every day is beginning to bug me. It will upset her, as she is probably unaware that it is pissing you off (amazing and all as we girls are we dont read minds), explain that you value your independence greatly - but that you do look forward to seeing her (just not every day) and that your career is number one in your mind at the moment (again unless you have explained this to her she isnt going to know it), if she wants to take that on board and still continue the relationship that is her decision to make..

Different people have wholly different expectations of what a relationship entails. Even if it is a long-distance relationship- should a phone call everyday for a chat- 'how did your day go' or whatever be an issue? It is for some people- whereas for others its just part of what a relationship is. For me- the core of a relationship- over and above everything else, is the ability to communicate with each other. It sounds very much as though the girl has a very different opinion than the OP does, of what being in a relationship means. Personally I don't think she is being unreasonable- but different strokes for different folks.

The OP did say in his original post that he works for himself, and has the ability to shift his hours around- and could make time, but that he simply doesn't want to, as he feels his career is his first priority and meeting up with her- would negatively affect his career.

In the OP's mind he has two conflicting demands on his time- his so called girlfriend and his work/career. He is prioritising the latter. At very least he should communicate to the girl that he wants to invest his time in his work/career, and does not at this time have time to invest in a relationship. The fact that he feels great about things for a few days after he meets with her- could potentially mean that there might be something there that he could explore- such as one or the other of the parties moving to a different location- its a big step to take- but as it stands the relationship has reached an ultimatum point- be honest and break things off, or be honest and take things to the next level. Its for the OP to decide- but personally as things stand, he is being unfair to the poor girl.

St Bill

Some men like to complain that their girlfriends expect them to be mind-readers, yet this looks like an example where the guy expects the girl to know he's into her without actually showing it
I can understand her being upset because you can't go see her (seeing as you won't be able to meet up in the fortnight following). Couple this with possibly one-sided phonecalls, you can bet your girlfriend is worrying (with good reason) that you're not into her.
Figure out what it is you want, all relationships take time and energy. It's up to you whether you want to invest that time and energy right now. If you do want a relationship, talk to your girlfriend and let her know that you really like her and just because you're not on the phone to her everyday, doesn't mean you're not interested.

albert-bundy

yes i considered many things as to why something might go sour on you.. but am not allowed say them here,
so best of luck i hope you do not humiliate or hurt her .
Do you think she reads boards too

Unregistered wrote: »

Great, very ****ing helpful. Maybe I need advice because I'm in a distance relationship that has gone sour and I don't understand why. Ever stop to consider that?

estar

emotionally distant male.

lets see how you are treating her from her perspective.

she likes you enough to agree to a long distance relationship.

and you complain about being contacted and are emotionally distant.

put odd jobs and tasks before meeting with her, and think its ok to meet her every 5 weeks or so.

this is what it is like when you are really into someone - just so you know.

- you cannot wait to hear from them again
- you feel honoured and thrilled when they phone
- you want to talk to them every day and miss them when you dont
- you want to spend as much time as possible.

one mans clingy is another mans dream.

do the right thing and instead of trying to change her - find someone that thrills you with their clinginess.

why are you going out with someone who you dont even appear to like?

the glass woman

estar wrote: »

emotionally distant male.

lets see how you are treating her from her perspective.

she likes you enough to agree to a long distance relationship.

and you complain about being contacted and are emotionally distant.

put odd jobs and tasks before meeting with her, and think its ok to meet her every 5 weeks or so.

this is what it is like when you are really into someone - just so you know.

- you cannot wait to hear from them again
- you feel honoured and thrilled when they phone
- you want to talk to them every day and miss them when you dont
- you want to spend as much time as possible.

one mans clingy is another mans dream.

do the right thing and instead of trying to change her - find someone that thrills you with their clinginess.

why are you going out with someone who you dont even appear to like?

Totally agree here. Long distance or not after only two months you should be still in the honeymoon period. I'm with my now husband 12 yrs, married for 2, and we both love hearing from eachother the odd time during the day, even though he's home every night. And he'll often text after a phonecall simply saying 'love hearing your voice'. If you've a problem with daily phonecalls and don't seem to mind going weeks without seeing her well then i don't think the relationship has much of a future.

Lollipops23

Unregistered wrote: »

Those other two comments kind of made me feel like crap.

OP nobody in those posts was trying to make you feel like ****; merely pointing out that your apparent lack of enthusiasm would suggest that you're not into this girl. relationships need basic communication even when they're not long-distance, if you cross your wires at this early point there may be serious issues.

sarahirl

estar wrote: »

this is what it is like when you are really into someone - just so you know.

everyone's different...