My insecurities are crippling me

LegacyUser

hi

Im not so sure why Im writing this here to be honest. Im not sure if Im looking for advice or just looking to vent.

I am a very insecure person, and I feel these insecurities are destroying me.

I have low self esteem and low confidence.

I can see this getting in the way of having a happy relationship with my boyfriend.
I know that he loves me, he doesnt say it very often, but he shows it in other ways. But, for example, whenever he goes out to the pub/a club with his friends, I get so insecure and afraid that he is going to be surrounded by these fabulous women and then I go into overthinking mode, and could sit around for hours thinking about silly scenarios which just make me hurt and upset.

My boyfriend is very understanding of my issues, and tries his hardest to make me understand that I have nothing to worry about, but I can see he is getting tired of this, and I dont blame him.

The thing is, his friends are planning a holiday this summer, and while I dont want him to go, I know I cant tell him that. Im just not sure how I would cope knowing that he was on a beach/in clubs etc.. surrounded by the very type of thing that makes me feel so bad.

I just want to be like a normal person, who's boyfriend can go out with his friends and I can be at home/out myself and not be thinking/worrying about it all.

You are probably thinking has he done anything to make me feel this way, well, he is a very chatty, outgoing person who gets on well with everyone (the total opposite to me, a shy, insecure person who is afraid to speak out in public) and alot of girls like him. He loves this of course, as any man would, but always makes a big fuss over me to make me feel better about the female attention he gets.

But it doesnt work. Im just so insanely jealous, at I hate what its doing to me. I really do believe in my heart and soul that I can trust my boyfriend but there is a part of my mind that is determined to destroy me.

One night I hadnt seen him. He was supposed to come over to me but he never did. Now i knew he had been working since early that morning and was to be working late into the evening. I knew he would be tired, and knew that he would probably fall asleep and not make it over to me, but my brain said to me "Maybe he's out meeting up with that girl he knew in primary school who left a comment on his bebo page the other day"

Now I had the sense at that point to say to myself, "Thats ridiculous, how stupid is that? They havent seen eachother in years, she doesnt even live in the same part of Ireland anymore and has a boyfriend of her own, and a baby!"

But within the hour I was believing it, and it had totally consumed me by the end of the night, and I was crying and sobbing in my room on my own. I ended up having a nightmare that night that he ran off with her and was actually the father of her baby!! Woke up the next morning with a banging headache and I felt terrible all day.


I am seeing a councellor, and she is helping me out, but the process is so slow, and I'm anxious to get "better" or "normal"

LegacyUser

I should add, after reading over my post, that I am going to councelling for depression, and not directly for my insecurity problems.

I feel awful about all this. I do realise that this is sad. Its pathetic. And deep down, its not the real me.

thanks

in2dblue

Hey there,
I can understand where you are coming from.
I, like yourself get terrible anxious too at times though not half as bad as I used to and start to think the worst of every situation before anything remotely like it arises and have been doing so since I was 18 and got sick with a bout of depression for the first time.

You must be doing well though to combat the over anxiousness and to still maintain your relationship with your boyfriend.
You will have to start being a bit more positive, even if you feel you can't,
think of all the good things you have in your life and then list all your good qualities and start appreciating yourself and love yourself more.
I know it all sounds very cliché but if you start thinking positive and value yourself more you will gradually stop worrying so much about what your boyfriend is doing when he is not with you.

It is a gradual process, don't give yourself a hard time over it and when you feel that the negative thoughts are starting to take over again and the worrying starting, ring a friend or talk to a family member rather than text or call the boyfriend.
Start looking after number1

LegacyUser

OP, it's very common, what you're experiencing.... I used to be exactly like that when I was a bit younger. It's horrible and soul destroying - no matter how much you know you're being unreasonable, something takes over with all those scenarios...

What worked for me, to a large extent, was hypnosis. Now, I know it's not for everyone, and a lot of people will slate it and say it's bull****.... but I was willing to try anything at that point, and I had great results.

I had already been for hypnosis previously for smoking, which worked and I was delighted with it, so I decided to go for a course of 'analytical hypnotherapy', which is basically counselling under hypnosis. I went for depression, anxiety and general self esteem issues, for about 10 sessions, and it cost me the same as counselling would have done. It's not the only thing that came up in the sessions, but it was one of the main ones... and well - it worked. It's not a magic wand by any means, but it helped me to overcome the way my mind used to run away with me, and to discover why my self seteem was so low in the first place.

It's just a thought. Might not work for everyone.... I've had hypnosis for a few things now including phobias with great results, might be worth a try?

Overheal

Unregistered wrote: »

I feel awful about all this. I do realise that this is sad. Its pathetic. And deep down, its not the real me.

I imagine this says it all - you are putting yourself down. When you wake up its there - the little voice that puts you down about everything you do. "whats the point of x y z? Im no good at it anyway." Bla Bla Bla. Squelch the little fecker - that miniature bitch on your left shoulder* is doing you no good Instead learn over time to positively reinforce yourself instead.

But I digress. Any advice you read here may very well undermine your counseling. Bring up your insecurities with your counselor, and if you and your counselor feel the need, consider bringing a psychiatrist in as part of your depression treatment.

*(ie. bad conscience, there is nothing wrong with your left shoulder! Its a beautiful shoulder.)

Adelante

Hi, Reading your post, you express your pain very vividly and eloquently. It is good that you are talking with your counsellor sometimes when we talk we find the root cause of our problems.

This question may sound very odd, even biazarre, and so let it sink in, ok?so here goes; How do you choose to feel the way you do about you. What is the purpose of feeling as you do, and if you could choose to feel differently right now, how would you choose to feel different, cause you know , and shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! dont tell anyone it oks to do that,

Who says your are not fabulous like other women! According to whom?
I don't want to bombard you with questions, and wrapping you up in cotton wool is the last thing you need right now.

If something is not working for you, change it,eg if a top doesnt fit or doesnt show off our best bits, are you going to get rid or are you going to keep wearing it, in the hope it fits/suits one day.

This is about YOU, if you can't love yourself, how do you expect others to love you.What are you putting out into the universe, if you feel insecure, chances are everything you and your beau do will increase the chances of you having insecurity in your life. If you don't want insecurity in your life what do you want.

STOP being a salmon have break, and sweating the small stuff, live your best life right now, This is not a dress rehersal.

Peace and love

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

jenny81

oh my god ive found my twin, you sound exactly the same as me, ive been going out with my boyfrien now for just over a year and am so insecure that i dont even likegoing out anywhere with him because i keep thinking he is looking at other women because i feel so unattractive. im considering councelling for this myself as i realise i have a masive problem and my relationship will end and it will be all my fault. anyway i hope you can overcome this, i totally understand where you are coming from, at least you realise you have a problem i think thats te first step, good luck

LegacyUser

OP I've just ruined a relationship with the man i love because of my insecurities, there was different circumstances but basically he said i was "moaning & possessive" and his ex was being "nice & friendly" that was enough for me to snap, we broke up this morning and i am gutted, he didnt want to be in a relationship where he would have to answer to me so i couldnt take that, my heart is breaking, i'll never love anyone in the way I love him but i have to live with my insecurities now...

Please get something sorted..

Adelante

Hi again
I don’t claim to understand how or what you guys are going through. From experience I know of this pain, having been on both sides of it as part of a relationship, and with acknowledgment of my own faults today, at the time I was guilty of feeding into and off of, the other persons insecurities and vice versa. It’s a vicious cycle. It can spiral out of control. Hindsight is 20/20.If you can't do it yourself, get help until you are strong enough and confident enough, hell "FAKE it, Till you make it", so the word on the street is.:rolleyes:

This is my plea to you out there whom so ever you are. Take back control of your life. Ask yourself do you come from a place of fear or love, What is your highest intention for you and those you love. Its not too late.Live your best life.

The Declaration of my Uniqueness
"I wonder @ my unique being.

I am a once off happening in this Universe that will never re-occur.


I love, value and celebrate and own everything about me.


I love and care for my body, which carries every aspect of me. I will nurture, exercise, rest and accept every aspect of my body, I do not want my body to be like anybody else’s.


I love, value and wonder at the limitless capacity of my mind.


I own my mistakes and failures and realise that these do not in any way take from my wondrous capacity. I see mistakes and failures purely as opportunities for further learning.


I enjoy my achievements and successes, but do not hold in any way of them as indicators of my worth. My worth and value are independent of all my actions.

I strongly distinguish between my being and my behaviour.


I am unconditional in my regard for myself and others.


No action on the part of myself or others takes from my worth, value and uniqueness.


I own and take responsibility for all my thoughts, images and ambitions, words and actions whether they be positive or negative in nature, whether they be towards others or myself.


There are many things I have done or may do that I regret or will regret, but I am determined to grow from these experiences and learn to love myself and others more deeply every day.


I will be honest and open about behaviour that is distressful to me, but in a way that does not put the other person down.


Equally I will be open and listen to what others have to say to me about what behaviour of mine they find distressful, and I will take responsibility for any neglect or hurt I may have caused.


No matter what happens I will not cease to care for myself or others.


I know I have immense abilities to grow and develop in this world. I can touch, see, feel, hear, think, imagine, say and do. I can be deeply close to others. I can be productive. I can make sense and meaning of what often seems an uncaring and cruel world.


I will always remain true to my uniqueness and not allow others to impose artificial goals upon me.


I am unique, perfect in my being and once I remain in possession of my wondrous being, I can create a better world for me and others"


Peace and love

LegacyUser

I understand exactly how you feel, and it is beginning to become a big deal in my life. Recently I have been feeling so so down, there is few nights where i don't feel upset. It's always on my mind that everyone else is better than me.

I have been really considering counseling, but I am afraid, too nervous to actually go the last step and sort it out.

It's easy for people to say love yourself, and not to worry. But that doesnt really help to be honest. I hope it works out for you and that you can get over this.

LegacyUser

OP here

I know what you mean about not wanting to go for councelling. I knew I needed to go for two years before going.

A colleague once told me, no matter how much you know you need it, or no matter how muh others will tell you you need it, you will only go when you decide you WANT it.

And here I am two years on. You need to want to do it though, because its hard work. Its not just talking to someone for an hour a week, its working through years of your life.

but very worth it. It does help me, and I will stick with it, but some days are so hard. Ive had a good week so far, but I had a dreadful week last week.

thanks to all who post.

LegacyUser

ive been through two long relationships myself and one guy was a good guy but at the time i didnt want to settle. the second guy was a very bad guy, but i was so attracted to him we had a child together and he broke me down and tore away my confidence bit by bit. Now i find it hard to even get into a relationship. i am pushing people away so they cant get near me to hurt me including friends. im really lost and lonely.

bubblewrap

Hi sweetie, that could have been me writing that, not sure if you have seen my other threads but I too am going through the same thing, my man is sick of it.

Can't believe how common this is though, why are we worried about all these women trying to steal our men when they are too busy worrying about their men to think about ours!!

Kiera12

jenny81 wrote: »

oh my god ive found my twin, you sound exactly the same as me, ive been going out with my boyfrien now for just over a year and am so insecure that i dont even likegoing out anywhere with him because i keep thinking he is looking at other women because i feel so unattractive. im considering councelling for this myself as i realise i have a masive problem and my relationship will end and it will be all my fault. anyway i hope you can overcome this, i totally understand where you are coming from, at least you realise you have a problem i think thats te first step, good luck

This is so weird, Im the exact same. It is doing my boyfriends head in. Ive tried to explain how i feel and think but i dont think he understands. I am horribly paranoid about his ex, even tho he broke up with her I still think they are in touch and it makes me feel so sick. He tells me he doesnt talk to her but I know he does. When i think about it I feel so sick I cant eat. He is real friendly, has a great personaity and has loads of female friends, he flirts but he doesnt realise he is doing it. even though he says he loves when were out to gether so he can show me off and he is proud of me and everything I still wonder what he is like when he is out with the lads. Dancing with girls, talking to them and buying drinks n all! It may be harmless but not to me. Im so insecure and he is so confident. There have been a few times when Ive found that the lads met a few girls and they were talking to them for the night.... it kills me. The fact I found out and he didnt tell me when I said how was your night. Sometimes I wonder should I just break up with him cause I think about things too much and i hate my self for it, I hate that it will be my fault completely if we do ever break up. I hate it. I just want to be normal and not care about who he talks to.

When I see another girl talkin to him and she is gorgeous I get butterflies with anger or.... i duno what it is. I hate being like this.

I have thought about going to see someone but I dont know what to say or maybe its just me and I have to just deal with the way I am.

cantdecide

Tell your BF how insecure you feel about him generally and mention the holiday specifically. If he's as good as he comes across in your post, he'll understand that you need him for a great deal of support. If you know he's a good one, you can have no secrets...

I had that little voice too for years and years and it was truly hell on earth. I never wanted to go to counseling and never did even though in hindsight, I should have so I have to admire you for being proactive. I also never had the support of an OH like you have but I still find my self at 27 having high regard for myself being perfectly happy and contented.

Life does get easier anyway as you get older anyway and you will be fine but you will have to give it some time...

cantdecide

ps, You won't be the same person forever so stop worrying about being 'normal'. Exactly as you are is normal....

bubblewrap

We just have to remember, our insecurities aren't going to stop them doing what they do, I know it is horrible when they talk to other women but my man said he can't put blinkers on and pretend other women don't exist because he is with me.

I keep telling myself to shut the hell up everytime I get bad thoughts.

donegal lass 4

dont listen to the negatives voices in your head, try your best to ignore them, Its like any habit.....think good thoughts about yourself,and you will start to not even notice you are doing it!
low self esteem is crippling, i Know, i was tormented by it for most of my early 20's! like some of the other posts, sometimes age helps, and you just seem to shake yourself out these negative thoughts!
counselling does help enourmously (spelt Right???!! ) the counsellor will not help you make decisions, but remind you of the power of positive thinking! positive thinking is like any other habit....do it enough times it can become natural!
keep up the counselling....bring the self esteem issue to your counsellors attention and deal with as part of your sessions!
with your relationship with your boyfriend, try and remember he would not be seeing you/spending time with you etc if he didnt think you were worth it......as with everyone who loves you, he sees good qaulities in you...that you dont realise yourself!
when i met my boyfriend almost a year ago i was seeing a counsellor for similar issues......although i did mention to my fella that sometimes i was feeling insecure, he understands he cannot make it better for me, that he just needs to understand how it can make me irrational sometimes.....and needing a little more attention/tlc!:)