How can I get my new man to be a bit more assertive in bed?

LegacyUser

I don't want to hurt his feelings and I don't want to scare him. It's not like I want him to tie me up and whip me or anything along those lines. He is just so gentle, really too gentle. He almost never gets completely on top of me...He is a quite large guy with a rugby player's build. I think he might think he's going to hurt me. It's not like I'm made of glass, though.

any ideas how to convey this to him without being insulting and without making him think I want "rough" sex, which I don't.

username123

Unregistered wrote: »

I don't want to hurt his feelings and I don't want to scare him. It's not like I want him to tie me up and whip me or anything along those lines. He is just so gentle, really too gentle. He almost never gets completely on top of me...He is a quite large guy with a rugby player's build. I think he might think he's going to hurt me. It's not like I'm made of glass, though.

any ideas how to convey this to him without being insulting and without making him think I want "rough" sex, which I don't.

Just tell him he doesnt have to treat you like a china doll and that you enjoy a bit of slap and tickle and offer to show him what you mean.

Salome

Talk to him. Don't be negative though. Say things like "I'd love it if you did X" or "it feels great when you do XYZ" - just encourage him when he does do something you like.

But never ever be negative!!!

Had to tell my bf at the start as well that I'm not made of china and I'm not going to break from having fun with him
Say that and as salome suggested "let's try x" or "i'd love if you did y, it feels great" and it should work out fine for you

MagicMarker

Lead by example.

LegacyUser

(Not OP)

As a shy bloke, who'd probably be guilty of the same, I don't think it'd hurt my feelings to get constructive criticism - depends on what your fella's like of course. It is a bit ironic to have to ask someone to be more assertive though.

You could try letting him know without telling him in so many words - he should respond if you're more physical with him during the act, i.e. put him where you want him, say nothing just look him in the eyes and smile.

Overheal

Wrestling Match: ding ding!

No seriously, let him know what he's up against.

edit: professional wrestling. None of that backyard hityouintheface stuff

Terodil

bluewolf wrote: »

Had to tell my bf at the start as well that I'm not made of china and I'm not going to break from having fun with him
Say that and as salome suggested "let's try x" or "i'd love if you did y, it feels great" and it should work out fine for you

I agree -- though @OP: It won't happen at once, it will still be a learning process. It's not easy to overcome the built-in 'sense of protection' especially when he loves you. It takes a while (and frequent encouragement by you) for him to realise that being slightly rougher can be much more interesting in the right conditions.

Me to you

Talk to him about it, maybe bring up the conversation of fantacies and preferences. Find out about him and let him know that you like to be dominated sometimes.

smellslikeshoes

Having a constructive conversation around the kitchen table seems like a terrible idea to me, he might end up getting defensive and that would end up causing more problems.

Leading by example would probably be a good idea, get frisky and playful, Overheal's example of wrestling doesn't seem too far off the mark in my eyes.
This is going to sound like you are training a dog but if he is doing something you like, make sure he knows about it, positive reinforcement I guess you could call it.

AnonoBoy

It could be something as simple as you telling him the position you want to do it in and saying 'f*ck me hard - I love it.'

Let him take his lead from that. A lot of guys are scared that they might offend a woman if they get too rough or assertive in bed so until you let him know it's ok he might shy off it.