Depressed, looking for advice

LegacyUser

I'm in the process of seeing a counsellor at the moment. It will help me, over a period of time, but I would like to get a 'second opinion' from the very helpful readers here.

My problems are as follows: I always had a lack of confidence as a child. This lasted through my teens and twenties, and although I dealt with it to a large extent during my thirties, I suppose I still have a certain amount to deal with.

Because of this, I hated school - having to share my life with hundreds of people I couldn't socialise properly with, meant that every day was a torture to me, and I lived to get away from it. I became a social outcast, with no direction to my life.

I had no idea where to go or what to do, so I drifted from job to job, some happy, most drastically unsuccessful. I never had a relationship with a girl all through my twenties, although I had some dates and developed a couple of friendships through my thirties.

I was always self contained as a child, never happier than when I was alone, deeply engrossed in some solitary activity or hobby. Even to this day, my hobbies are fairly exclusive pursuits. I have many, many interests, and my time is always occupied. Unfortunately, my hobbies were never activities that could ever remotely earn me any money at all, much less become a career.

All my life, all the advice I ever got was to study, get a career, work hard, and earn as much money as possible. It was meant in the best possible way, but unfortunately, due to my lack of confidence, any attempts I ever made in those directions were spectacularly unsuccessful.

I now find myself at forty, unfortunately without a job just at the wrong time, on the brink of a recession. I have no money, no relationship, and no idea where to turn my life next.

I am actually desperately lonely for a close companion. I always have been, and although I never made a big deal of it, and managed on my own, it's always been there in the background. I need to find myself before I could make a success of a relationship, but it's been twenty years since I left school, and I haven't made much headway.

The advice I am looking for is this: where should my priorities lie?

Trying to find a job? It's fifteen years since I had a job I was happy in. I've had fifteen years of progressively worse jobs, jobs I worked long and hard at, to get on my feet financially, and I am becoming mortally depressed at the thoughts of fifteen more years of the same. By spending my life worrying and worrying about my working life, and money, I have become depressed and down.

Worrying about money? I have invested everything I earned over the years on a home I can no longer afford, and which I have seen devalued to the point where if I sell it, I'll have nothing left to show for all those years. I haven't had pocket money for years, everything going towards the home upkeep and the bills.

Concentrate on a relationship instead? All those early years I didn't have the confidence for a relationship. Now in the last few years, I have gained confidence. But what is killing me is lack of money. If I had a date tomorrow, I couldn't even afford to buy a girl a bag of chips. How can I be confident in looking for a date, knowing I cannot afford it?

Each problem affects the other. A girlfriend and long term partner might have helped me stick all the years of rotten jobs I had, and might have helped a bit with the upkeep of a home. A bit of spare money might have given me the breathing space to go out on dates and not appear like a complete loser. A decent job with an employer who didn't treat me like dirt, would have let me relax a bit and get more enjoyment out of life, instead of sliding into the depression I now suffer.

I am seeing a counsellor. Would anyone here like to comment, tell me where I should prioritise my thoughts and actions, to be out of this rotten depression, and move forward with my life? I can't get a job at all now, I've been six months searching, and I am in serious money trouble. It's dominating my life, and the depression is feeding on it. If I get another job as bad as the previous jobs, I will only become even more gravely depressed. This is not what life should be about.

Kevster

Hi,

I am 25 now but have already been through counsellors, a GP, a psychiatrist, and a therapist. My youth seems to have been pretty much the exact same as yours too: Solitary activities; happiset when no-one was talking to me; 'shy'; quiet; and not a single piece of life experience.

I strongly recommend that you focus on the relationship issue - Put all of your effort into it if you can. i am slowly realising that if I continue the way I am, I will end up alone too. Have you noticed throughout your life that you become obsessed with one thing or another? ... ...did you ever hear of Asperger's Syndrome? If not, then look it up on the internet and I think that you will find that you can relate to it very much so.

Kevin

pwd

You need to concentrate on all those things. Like you said, each one effects the other.

cantdecide

At 27, I'm a few years younger than you but it could have been my life thus far you have described. I was a loner as a child. I too have had lots of jobs where I was allowed to be treated very badly by colleagues in exchange for busting my hump. Big time confidence problems that has eased somewhat...

For me, the lingering confidence (and in my case self-worth) thing has been the biggest. I recently realised that the reason I have under achieved for a great part of my life is not being able to find the motivation to do it for me. I also know how hard it is to be alone when you're of a sensitive nature and I've decided that I'm a giver and what I need is to find someone to give myself to. It's not a very fair request to ask us to prioritise for you but this has been the conclusion of my own soul searching.

A good career has kinda come from left field and fallen into my lap and I feel this has helped me. A close friend has also advised me to invest in myself. I have to lose some weight and my new career has brought education higher on my list of priorities.

Overheal

Job? Money? Relationship?

Call me blunt, (or Jon, or Overheal) but you don't mention the one thing that continues to affect all of those things in equal proportion:your depression.

A counsellor is a good step but if you are still depressed and/or panicky about where to begin it might also be wise to get additional help from a psychiatrist. The two acting in unison could greatly accelerate your recovery.

Ultimately I've learned through my own depression that everything you touch will turn to sh!t if you arent putting your own emotional well being first. Once thats done, sorting out money and jobs and relationships becomes so much easier. Don't fall into the trap of thinking "If I just had a job, or a car, or a girlfriend, I wouldn't be depressed" - that isn't how it works.

LegacyUser

Overheal wrote: »

Call me blunt, (or Jon, or Overheal) but you don't mention the one thing that continues to affect all of those things in equal proportion:your depression.

A counsellor is a good step but if you are still depressed and/or panicky about where to begin it might also be wise to get additional help from a psychiatrist. The two acting in unison could greatly accelerate your recovery.

Ultimately I've learned through my own depression that everything you touch will turn to sh!t if you arent putting your own emotional well being first. Once thats done, sorting out money and jobs and relationships becomes so much easier. Don't fall into the trap of thinking "If I just had a job, or a car, or a girlfriend, I wouldn't be depressed" - that isn't how it works.

Yes i agree with this post. Having friends, money, girlfriend, fast car, house, good job etc wont 'cure' your depression. In fact it will be the opposite. Once you get these things you will think is that it? i used to be like this i had depression and i would think 'if only i was like him' but once you get what you want you will still have the same problems unless you sort them out