Flatmate is wrecking my head

LegacyUser

At the beginning of the college year I moved in with a girl that I went to school with, it seemed like a good idea at the time because we both needed a place to live and we'd been on holidays together before with no problems. In most ways we get on grand, but she is a much louder person than I am and this is really irritating me.

What I mean is that when I have people over, she joins us and ends up taking over the whole conversation. I know it is great that my flatmate gets on with my other friends, but I just wish she would give me a bit more space. The apartment is not that large, and she is only has lectures/tutorials for a few hours on Tuesdays and Wednesdays so she is ALWAYS in the apartment.

When she has friends over I might join them for a bit and then leave them to it. For example, I was really upset earlier in the week because I was having problems with my boyfriend and with making myself sick so one of my friends came over to have tea and to talk about it with me.

Anyway, my flatmate decided to join us and ended up telling my friend all about her life and her new boyfriend (all stuff I hear all the time anyway) and I never got to speak with my friend about why I was upset. Also, a few weeks ago my aunt and my cousin were over from England and visited me briefly - I hardly got to speak to them because my flatmate sat down with us and ended up telling my aunt and cousin (who she had never met before) all about herself, and I didn't get much chance to speak.

My boyfriend is in the same course as me in college so we don't get to see each other alone much during the day cos we've the same group of friends that we socialise with, but if I bring him back to the apartment we can't get away from my flatmate - if we have tea, she joins us, if we want to watch a film, she sits down to watch it too, on more than one occassion I have had to tell her that we want to have sex so that she will leave us alone.

My boyfriend has suggested that I just meet up with people outside the apartment so I can talk to them properly, but that's not always practical, I can't do that if I want to watch TV with a friend or if I'm upset and need a shoulder to cry on. And no, I don't want to talk to my flatmate about my problems, she is a horrrendous listener and always butts in when other people are talking. What can I do? I don't think she is doing it on purpose, she is just one of those people who enjoys talking about herself all of the time and enjoys having new people to show off to. I just want SPACE to see friends without her taking over everything, is that so bad?

jellie

do you share a room with her? if not, can you not just go into your bedroom when you want some privacy?

jessbeth

It doesn't sound like this person if going to change overnight to be honest and she probably doesn't even realise that she is being so overbearing. Why don't you sit her down and say that sometimes you would like a little bit more space. Say that you like her and value her friendship but that sometimes you feel a little hemmed in by her always being around. Give her the examples that you gave us. She'll either understand and give you some more space or she'll be so odd she'll move out. Either way problem solved!

LegacyUser

sar84 wrote: »

do you share a room with her? if not, can you not just go into your bedroom when you want some privacy?

We have separate bedrooms, but my room is like a box, it probably doesn't help that I'm not the tidiest either so there is a lot of stuff everywhere. If I had a friend over for tea and we went into my room we'd have to sit on my bed, and anyway I don't think that would stop my flatmate coming in too

Lollipops23

Goingmad wrote: »

We have separate bedrooms, but my room is like a box, it probably doesn't help that I'm not the tidiest either so there is a lot of stuff everywhere. If I had a friend over for tea and we went into my room we'd have to sit on my bed, and anyway I don't think that would stop my flatmate coming in too

sorry but why do you have to tell her to go away when you want to do the wild thing with your bf??does she squeeze in between you in the bed??tbh she has every right to want to sit in her own living room; if you're watching tv it's her tv too and is entitled to watch whatever's on the box. the only place in the apt that she has no right to be in is your room.maybe tidy up and invest in a tv/dvd combo?they're quite cheap these days.

Monkey61

To be honest this is just what happens when you share a house with someone. It is her house as much as yours and she has every right to spend 24 hours a day in it if she wishes. You can't expect her to go and sit in her room whenever you have people over.

If you want time with your friends, you will just have to meet them outside of the house, or in their houses. The same with your boyfriend - just go over to his house.

It's a bit different if she is coming into your room when you have people there and the door is closed - that would be out of order. Otherwise though, clean up your room and entertain people there. If you think it's too small, well you can just move somewhere else and pay more money for a bigger one. Sitting rooms and kitchens belong to everyone - not just you, so you can't expect to entertain your friends in them without your housemate being there.

littlemisspiggy

Monkey61 wrote: »

Sitting rooms and kitchens belong to everyone - not just you, so you can't expect to entertain your friends in them without your housemate being there.

As a person who rented for about 6 years in a few different places, your point may be technically correct but there is such a thing as consideration.

I shared with two girls in an apartment. If one of us had friends over, the other two would say hello etc and then watch tv in our rooms or arrange to be doing something else that night or else we'd watch tv in the living area with them but not be butting into their conversation the whole time. It's about give and take.

Reflector

if you want a private conversation I think you should head to a cafe or something. Your flatmate sounds fine, maybe a little self absorbed but with people like that you need to interject as to take control of the conversation. I think you are the one with the problem and perhaps you are not suited to living with people. I have 3 flatmates and if I have anyone over I fully expect that they can sit in and chat or watch a movie. In fact I like that they are so sociable and we get on alright together. She is paying rent and is entitled to use the common area as much as she likes.

Supra lover 87

The problem is that bshe has such little hours in the week and the rest is probley boring the crap out of her thats why she needs to exspress herself so much when theres someone new to talk to.

I suppose shes single aswell by the sounds of it if she had a guy i suppose she wouldent talk so much eather she would be with him and out of the house.

shellyboo

It's her house as much as it's yours. You're bringing guests into her house, disrupting her use of the kitchen/living room - which she would have free rein of if your friends weren't there. You're being a trifle inconsiderate expecting her to vacate the area just because YOU want to use it. If you want time with your mates without her around, you have to be the one compromising, not her.

AARRRGH

Could you ask her politely to give you and your friends/boyfriend some alone time? I don't think that's unreasonable.

Me to you

Could you and the boyfriend move in together or is it too soon for that?

Lollipops23

AARRRGH wrote: »

Could you ask her politely to give you and your friends/boyfriend some alone time? I don't think that's unreasonable.

it is if she's kicks her out of her own living room!!!my OH rents, if we want alone time we go to his room, it's not like we can tell rent-paying people to get lost!

AARRRGH

Lollipops23 wrote: »

it is if she's kicks her out of her own living room!!!my OH rents, if we want alone time we go to his room, it's not like we can tell rent-paying people to get lost!

Well I'm assuming she would only say that every now and then.

If it was a regular thing, sure, that would be rude alright.

St Bill

Op, your flatmate might think she's only being friendly. The time you were upset and you had a friend around to talk about it, did you actually say to your flatmate that you'd like to be left alone? Or did you expect her to just know? Big difference.
I don't understand why you don't want your flatmate in the living area when you have friends over to watch TV. It's not as if you're going to be talking about anything important while watching the box. And telling your flatmate that you're going to have sex with your boyfriend just so she'll leave you alone is frankly rude....what's wrong with telling her you'd like a bit of space? It sounds like you expect your flatmate to know what you want without you having to say anything.

Salome

What do you do when her friends come over?

Salome

Salome wrote: »

What do you do when her friends come over?

she said "when she has friends over I might join them for a bit and then leave them to it. "

Salome

bluewolf wrote: »

she said "when she has friends over I might join them for a bit and then leave them to it. "

Then if that's the way she acts when her friends are over, you need to speak to her that you would appreciate if she did the same for you when your friends visit.

Look, she's not gonna realise that you're unhappy by osmosis or mindreading, you've got to say something.

Dave147

shellyboo wrote: »

It's her house as much as it's yours. You're bringing guests into her house, disrupting her use of the kitchen/living room - which she would have free rein of if your friends weren't there. You're being a trifle inconsiderate expecting her to vacate the area just because YOU want to use it. If you want time with your mates without her around, you have to be the one compromising, not her.

Congratulations! You've completely missed the point! She is annoyed at her friend butting in the whole time etc, not the fact that she's actually there. If we all acted the way you're talking about the house would be an awful place.

GAAman

Op what about using a tie?

Seriously

Tell her when the tie is on the doorhandle (your bedroom door) its privacy time whether with your boyf or with friend/s and if the tie isnt there she is welcome to come invade your space (word it better obviously)