Online Dating - Accused of dishonesty re disability

LegacyUser

Hi,

I just need some opinions on this. I recently started doing a bit of online dating. All my friends are in couples Im not going out as much so thought no harm in giving it a go. I should also mention I use a wheelchair.

So I was in contact with a few people and if I got a good feel for someone I would tell them about wheelchair. My thinking on it was ok wheelchair is going to put some people off straight away and besides I dont think its anywhere near the most interest fact about me and I dont let it define me so I'll tell someone if we are getting on ok. If they have issue at that stage then its their issue not mine move on.

But I was exchanging messages with this guy we got on really well he seemed really nice, sent photos etc he suggesting meeting for coffee and sent me his number after 4 days of exchanging messages (which I thought was quick)

So I mailed telling him about chair, I said I knew it put some people off, hope he didnt think I was lying by not telling him until then but same as what I said above.

He replied saying it wasnt the chair, it was fact I didnt tell him. If I wasnt honest then there was no point. Said he wouldnt treat anyone in wheelchair differently to anyone else so why did I think he would. I replied apologied if I hurt his feelings and tried to explain but that was last contact.

My question - did that come across as dishonest, should I just say hi my name is blah and I use a wheelchair?

I feel really disappointed and hurt. Online dating is not for me, Im not desperate and I just dont need to put myself up for that kind of abuse - but does anyone think he was justified?

username123

liarliar wrote: »

He replied saying it wasnt the chair, it was fact I didnt tell him. If I wasnt honest then there was no point. Said he wouldnt treat anyone in wheelchair differently to anyone else so why did I think he would. I replied apologied if I hurt his feelings and tried to explain but that was last contact.

He could have just been using this reasoning as a get out clause.

I dont think you were being dishonest. I have knee problems that limit my activities and I usually wouldnt mention it until I was faced with an activity that I cant do. I dont think about it until Im faced with such an activity to be honest.

Online dating can be brutal though - people will very harshly cut contact and not feel the same level of empathy as they would if theyd met the person face to face.

I dont think exchanging numbers after 4 days of messages is bad form - sometimes if you cant be at a pc all the time and youre enjoying the banter its nice to be able to continue it by text message.

A lot of people approach online dating with the 'organise a meet up quick so I dont invest loads of time exchanging emails only to find I dont dig them in person'.

Rereading your post I dont think you were dishonest at all - you told him before a meet up, its not like you showed up without telling him. You are not required to tell everyone everything about yourself within a few days of messages.

Edited to say - dont let one bad experience with online dating put you off - you wouldnt let one bad experience with non online dating put you off right?

0utshined

My gut feeling is that the wheelchair actually is a problem for him but he feels he'd be a bad person if he either said that to you or admitted it to himself. So instead it's all your fault and he's still a nice guy.

Could be off there but after 4 days talking there's going to be a hell of a lot you don't know about the other person.

Or have I got the time scale way off there? And do you not have a pic up anyway? Would have thought it would have been obvious from that.

Anyway, forget about him and keep at it. Best of luck.

Zaph

His criticism was not in the slightest bit justifed. You know far better than he does how the world views people in wheelchairs, or with disabilities in general, and therefore you were open with him when you felt the time was right. However, as you said, the chair doesn't define you, and that's a good positive attitude to have, so there's no reason why you should have mentioned it before that.

If you want my honest opinion, he did have a problem with the chair. But rather than admit to that and come across as a b*st*rd, he preferred to portray himself as being holier than thou and converted his feelings of guilt about it into false indignation about your "dishonesty". No loss, imo, and you shouldn't feel hurt over it, some people can't help being tools.

old boy

hi girl, you should be thankingyour luckey stars it did not get any further.

Blisterman

If you don't mind me asking, does being in a wheelchair stop you from having sex? Because I know a lot of guys wouldn't be interested in dating someone, if there was no chance of ever doing it, which in my opinion is quite understandable.
If not, I see no reason to mention it right away. Wait until the person gets to know you a little better. If they suddenly get all freaked out by the wheelchair, like this guy did, he's obviously not worth knowing.

.boards.ie

He probably did use the line as an excuse but I think you know you should mention it from the outset. The chair may not define you as a person but you should not have put him in this position either.

You said "My thinking on it was ok wheelchair is going to put some people off straight away "

If that is the case then better for both parties. He was one of those people.

I hope you have bettter luck in the future.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your replies

Yes, I can have sex and while I wouldn't just come out and say it, when I told him about chair I said I am able to take a few steps - I guess I figured he'd know everything was in working order from that...lol

I did send him pic but was just a head shot.

See in one of his messages he mentioned he did volunteer work and he said he sometimes worked with people who had had strokes, in wheelchairs etc. Was that my time to say something, just that was one of early messages ...

LegacyUser

.boards.ie wrote: »

He probably did use the line as an excuse but I think you know you should mention it from the outset. The chair may not define you as a person but you should not have put him in this position either.

You said "My thinking on it was ok wheelchair is going to put some people off straight away "

If that is the case then better for both parties. He was one of those people.

I hope you have bettter luck in the future.

I do take your point, but I suppose Im thinking some people when they hear wheelchair might think stuck at home in front of pc all day never getting out kinda sh*te stereotype that people do have, whereas at least if I can let them know that I am out and about, I do live a full life then at least its an informed decision?

minidazzler

I have a young sister in a wheelchair, so I feel I might have a bit of insight into this.

No matter how much he tries to convince himself that he wouldn't treat someone different because they are in a wheelchair, he is Lying to himself, everyone I have come across treat people in wheelchairs differently.

I even do sometimes, as I feel somewhat uncomfortable around people who are in wheelchairs, aside from my sister. I can talk away to them, and I can have a laugh with them, but I am slightly more standoffish to begin with, (only slightly more than with people not in Wheelchairs)

There are very few people who would treat everybody the same, I have seen this with my sister, people come up, shake my hand, and then lean down and "Baby" her, she is 14. Who babies a 14 year old!!!


So anyway, I have 2 trains of thought with regard to the Internet dating,
Tell them you are in a wheelchair in your profile and you could get dates, but some of these could be fetishists, (Yes they exist).
Don't tell them in the profile, or soon after you speak to them, and they could do what this guy did.

TBH, I don't think you should reveal that first, in your real life that is the first thing anyone would notice about you, why should that be so on the Internet? But tell them early in conversation, when E-mailing.

Don't wait until ye are meeting up for a date, as that would be highly off putting.

I am not sure if any of this is of help, but I hope it is.

Carsinian Thau

I'm sorry about this, but I feel that this was a line. He just didn't want to feel guilty and attempted to justify his response to you (and to himself) with that line.

Also, you're right about not thinking that it's the most interesting thing about you and you're definitely right in not letting it define you.

You had a lucky escape from a man such as that.

Trinity

I know its a totally different scenario but there was a case here recently about a guy on an internet dating site with a child and he too was given the brush off when the girl realised he had a child (she had assumed he put the pic of up him with the cute little thing to give him brownie points :rolleyes:)

Anyway i did a spot of online dating for like a month and i put it up on my profile that i had a child. I didnt get a million replies but it weeded out a lot of people and the replies i did get were very genuine (guess i was lucky there)

I didnt think it defined me as a person that i had this little person in my life but it is part of me and something i couldnt/wouldnt change. It was a take it or leave it thing with me, this is who i am.

If they managed to read past that line, they could see that i wasnt just a mother i was a person with interests and hobbies and a job etc.

Anyway in answer to your question, sadly i think it was the wheelchair, and he used that as an excuse.

You will get some like that, but i wouldnt give up just yet. If anything you could make some new friends contacts etc which is actually what i went on for.

.boards.ie

liarliar wrote: »

I do take your point, but I suppose Im thinking some people when they hear wheelchair might think stuck at home in front of pc all day never getting out kinda sh*te stereotype that people do have, whereas at least if I can let them know that I am out and about, I do live a full life then at least its an informed decision?

I see your point but you can use your profile to relay all sorts of information about how active you are, what you like to do and all that type of stuff.

Were it me in a wheelchair I think I would rather have it in my profile and still be contacted by people or not as the case maybe than have the hassle of trying to fit in the fact somewhere at a later date because like it or not it is a bridge that will have to be crossed.

I don't think it is right that people are taring the guy now as some lesser human being for feeling like he did.

LUNA...

I have to agree with most of the people here, it seems he was just using that line as a get out clause. That way he could try blaming it on your so called "dishonesty" and not feel so bad about himself. That smacks as someone with no backbone to me, so you're better off without him.

As for telling people on an internet dating site, I think you did choose the right time to tell him.

I know it's slightly different, because you can't hide the fact that you're in a wheelchair, but I think in general for people, it can be hard deciding what to tell a prospective partner and when.

Well, I hope it hasn't put you off too much.

AARRRGH

I know I'll get attacked for this, but I think you're in the wrong.

The fact that you're in a wheelchair is a pretty big deal. People are entitled to only be attracted to certain types of people, and I'm sorry, but most people don't really go for people in wheelchairs.

I understand completely you are a normal person who is entitled to love and it's unfortunate you happen to be in a wheelchair, but the reality is it's something people need to know up front.

PeakOutput

he used the fact you didnt tell him as an excuse to get out of it if it didnt matter it wouldnt of mattered when you told him

id like to think that i would be a big enough person to overlook it and i think if i met someone in the real world who i struck it off with i would be able to but if im being honest if i saw on a dating site that someone was in a wheelchair id just carry on looking

from a guys perspective if i was in a bar at a table talking to a girl i jsut met and was getting on with and later in the night i happened to notice she was in a wheelchair id be far more likely to overlook it than if it was the first thing i noticed about her

Trinity

AARRRGH wrote: »

I know I'll get attacked for this, but I think you're in the wrong.

The fact that you're in a wheelchair is a pretty big deal. People are entitled to only be attracted to certain types of people, and I'm sorry, but most people don't really go for people in wheelchairs.

I understand completely you are a normal person who is entitled to love and it's unfortunate you happen to be in a wheelchair, but the reality is it's something people need to know up front.

Thats a little unfair AARRRGH not all of us would dismiss someone because of this. Ok it might not be on their list of must haves, ie. must be tall must be employed must be in a wheelchair but love knows no discrimination, if you allow yourself to get to know the person.

Yes some would avoid it of course, the same way some would because i have children, or because I am small, or because i am from Ballymun. The list is endless.

But there are people out there that judge people for themselves, they see beauty and kindness that others miss because they let a chair or a kid get in the way. I wouldnt let these things get in the way, but then again i'm female

I agree they need to know upfront though and OP i really think you should put this in your profile the same way you would put the fact you have brown hair and blue eyes. If you make it a secret or taboo thats exactly what it will become and you are only giving these people an excuse to dismiss you whereas if they know from day one, you wont have these worries that its because of the wheelchair you will know you just werent compatible.

AARRRGH

Trinity wrote: »

Thats a little unfair AARRRGH not all of us would dismiss someone because of this.

A lot would though, it's a cruel world...

Trinity wrote:

I agree they need to know upfront though and OP i really think you should put this in your profile the same way you would put the fact you have brown hair and blue eyes.

Yeah, I agree, but I think, if possible, you should try to poke fun at it so you come across as someone who's cool about their disability and enjoying life. (If that makes sense...)

Liam Byrne

AARRRGH wrote: »

.....most people don't really go for people in wheelchairs.

Most people don't go for drunken idiots or compulsive liars or gambling addicts or abusers (physical or mental), or people who snore like troopers, but you don't see those people listing those attributes on their dating sites, do you ?

That said, there are probably a few things that people feel "should" be mentioned (in my view all of the above should be).....I mean, some people are VERY stuck on their views re smoking and/or children, or religion, or some other things.

So you fudged a bit, OP (partially your "fault", I'd have to say, but it's not "un-understandable") and he reacted badly - partially his fault. I wouldn't go so far as to say "dishonest", though; it's like the "when's the 'right' time to tell someone you've a child" issue that we see here so often.

I think you're aware of the issue in the back of your mind to some extent, OP.....you said yourself that the photo was a head-shot only; so while the chair doesn't - and shouldn't - define you, it is something you - and others - are <sub>conscious of; and that's understandable - best foot forward (no pun intended), and while not "hiding" the issues, mask them a bit. 100% normal.

One of my nieces was in a chair - could walk, but not for long - and she was the sweetest, brightest, soundest and funniest little girl you could ever meet, with a heart of gold and a smile to match.....no longer with us, unfortunately, but that's another story.....

Bottom line is that every one of us has our own quirks and obstacles that might make us not "right" for someone else; some big, some small..... but we all - eventually - find someone who "fits".....

Best of luck!</sub>

CDfm

poor you -what a callous git.

wandatowell

look on the bright side OP:) atleast your getting replies, i've been on one of those poxy sites for a few weeks now and all I got was some african one looking for money to get her brother off glue sniffing or something :mad::mad::mad:

AARRRGH

Liam Byrne wrote: »

Most people don't go for drunken idiots or compulsive liars or gambling addicts or abusers (physical or mental), or people who snore like troopers, but you don't see those people listing those attributes on their dating sites, do you ?

What you've described are mental issues. Requiring a wheelcheer is a physical issue.

Mental issues and physical issues are not the same.

Sanjuro

You are under no obligation to introduce yourself like 'hello, my name is ***** and I'm in a wheelchair.' It would seem he did have a problem with it and used the 'dishonesty' thing as an excuse to get out of meeting you. I wouldn't feel bad if I were you. As far as I can see, you got a lucky escape from this jerk!

Wing Walker

Yes, I definitely have to echo a lot of the comments here.

You were certainly not dishonest. Why should you introduce yourself as, "hi, I'm X and I use a wheelchair". Do non-wheelchair users say, "hi, I'm Y and I don't need support for getting around"? I know that's an incredibly simple way of looking at it but you're right. Why should you bring up an issue, that's a fact of life for you, until you get to know that person? As someone else said, I don't tell people I've got a gammy knee straight from the get-go. I hope that all comes across the way it sounds in my head?!:o

He's the one who sounds dishonest to me. As others say, it appears as if he has an issue with you being a wheelchair user. You don't need someone like that. Forget him, you're better than that.

WW

jessbeth

I think you should have told him maybe a little sooner, I would also have been a bit surprised if I had spent four days messaging someone intensely and then they suddenly told me something like they were in a wheelchair. I'm trying to be honest here. I mean if you only sent a message each day then OK but I just got the feeling from the way you wrote that you were messaging each other intensely. Anyway it's his loss if he can't see pass the chair. I must admit that I would be a bit intimidated too and would be afraid that I would say or do something stupid without intending too.

MagicMarker

AARRRGH wrote: »

I know I'll get attacked for this, but I think you're in the wrong.

The fact that you're in a wheelchair is a pretty big deal. People are entitled to only be attracted to certain types of people, and I'm sorry, but most people don't really go for people in wheelchairs.

I understand completely you are a normal person who is entitled to love and it's unfortunate you happen to be in a wheelchair, but the reality is it's something people need to know up front.

I have to agree with this somewhat.

As others have said he probably did have a problem with it and used the fact that you kept it from him to his advantage.

However, you shouldn't try and hide the fact that you're in a wheelchair. Right now you're leading people on, trying to get them to like you before you spring the surprise on them, it's a sad fact of life that being in a wheel chair is not going be ok with everyone.

Explain that you're in wheelchair in your profile description, if you're open and honest about it then you know anyone who contacts you will not have a problem.

paconnors

To the op,

I know what's it like I suffer a disability myself. I have tried all the online dating stuff. and when I get chatting to the gals make friends. any time I attempt to meet up with someone and tell them that I have a disability they make up excuses and tell me they can't make it after all.

I know what your going through.

John Mason

can i ask why you didnt put it in your profile description under the any disabilities section?

CathyMoran

I think that the guy was a total coward and that you are well rid of him. Having said that, the relationships that worked the best for me were the ones where I was honest about my disability (diabetes, but I got more)...within 5 minutes of meeting my husband he had told me he had crohns and I had told him that I was diabetic, it made us bond more if that makes any sense.

Cuddlesworth

You should tell people up front. Although I don't agree with the guy for blaming dishonestly as his only reason for breaking contact, you choose to ignore one of the biggest factors in your life for four days of contact.

Liam Byrne

AARRRGH wrote: »

What you've described are mental issues. Requiring a wheelcheer is a physical issue.

Mental issues and physical issues are not the same.

True. Being with someone with mental (or emotional) issues can be a LOT less fun than someone with physical issues. Mental issues can be "contagious", in the sense that lying, cheating & second-guessing can drag you down too, while physical ones are simply "there".

CathyMoran

Having a disability is not necessarily the biggest thing in your life though...why be defined by a disability? She had a right not to tell him immediatly. Having said that being honest means that people are at least dating you for you!

Being a wheelchair user isn't a minor detail. Like it or not, It is a lifestyle defining factor.
I can see how this chap could feel like the wool had been pull over his eyes.
If he had felt that ye were making a strong connection and you left out something big like that.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I normally just read boards and not reply but I feel I can understand your situation.

I have a mild disability (I'm not in a wheelchair) and know the prejudices that are faced as a result.

I don't think you need to list your disability in your profile but you do know that some people can't deal with people who have disabilities. I have even encountered this when talking to people I have just met in bars (sitting down for most of the night) and then when I get up to go to the toilet or whatever, they see I have a disability, and some would have stopped talking to me then. It is hurtful sometimes, but it's life.

I think he just used the dishonesty thing as an excuse cos he can't deal with your disability. And that isn't the type of person you want to go out with anyway, clichéd as it sounds!

Hopefully you'll be luckier in future.

Crann na Beatha

This post has been deleted.

starchild

hi op

i dont think you did anything wrong, it was only 4 days not 4 months

the majority of people prob have never gone out with anyone with a physical disability & according to my friend who is also in wheelchair it takes a bit of getting used to for a new partner

i think the guy in question prob just reacted without thinking hang on, sure lets see where this goes

LegacyUser

My thinking on it was ok wheelchair is going to put some people off straight away

Yes, so mentioning it it essential to prevent wasting your time with people like that! Weed them out from the start, you wont change their minds with your witty banter Im afraid!

I dont think its anywhere near the most interest fact about me and I dont let it define me

Yes but relationships are a TWO WAY thing, and if a person is getting to know you its all about what they think is interesting/relevant about you not what you decide they should think. You cant control or edit their thoughts or prescribe to them what they should think!!!

If they have issue at that stage then its their issue not mine move on.

Yes, but it makes better sense to nip out the people with issues at a much earlier stage and not let things run on, you making unilateral decisions about what is important and what is not.

To tell the truth I would have been annoyed at the high handedness of it myself.