Am I just stupid?

LegacyUser

Broke up with my SO months ago, but every now and then we end up back in bed together. She says I love You one day and is totally cold the next. I'm starting to feel like I'm either Mr plan b, or I'm just being used to boost her self esteem; either way its no good for me. We have many mutual friends which is making things harder, do I just cut off contact, which means cutting many friends out as well just so I can be happy or do I try to make something work when I think i'm the only one that will put any real effort in?

Queen-Mise

You said it there yourself, cut off contact, and look after yourself.

And no, you are not stupid, hopeful maybe of a reunion, but thats all.

Burial

Stop making things end up in the bedroom. Imo, its best to move on from her. You can continue being friends, but make no attempt at resurrecting your previous relationship.

quad_red

A) Cut off contact and lose mutual friends
Try desperately to make it work.

Why are they the only two options?

C) Tell her conclusively that ye are finished. No more scoring. Tell her you're not Mr Plan B. You want to move. Still keep in contact with mutual friends, meet them when she isn't there etc.
D) If you do want to absolutely exhaust the option that it might work (which looks unlikely) then say all you've said here to here - she's hot/cold, you're not to be used as Plan B when she doesn't get who she wants etc. See what she says.

MIN2511

Excuse my ignorance but what does SO mean?

Queen-Mise

Significant Other - it took me a while to work it out;)

MIN2511

I read the mail loads of times and i didn't know that... Thanks!

Okay, she's now an "EX" so i think you should treat her as one.
She loves you but as a friend, not a partner and you don't want that. The sooner you say NO to her the better for you. She knows you would always be there emotionally and for the sex, so she would always manipulate you.

Btw, she's not you SO she's a lady you dated! Your significant other would not treat you this way!

AARRRGH

I'll bet money there's another man in her life who isn't treating her too well. When he's nice, she has no interest in you; when he's cold, she runs to you looking for support.

Basically she's an emotional wreck and she's dragging you down with her.

The sooner you get her out of your life, the better. Even if this means cutting off some friends (temporarily at least) it will be worth it.

Wibbs

AARRRGH wrote: »

I'll bet money there's another man in her life who isn't treating her too well. When he's nice, she has no interest in you; when he's cold, she runs to you looking for support.

Actually that had occurred to me too. Insecure people tend to not like being on their own, so you may well be the fallback guy, or she's making up one relationship outa two. Kinda mix and match. The very common one is the "nice" guy in friendzone that give emotional support and ego boost and the exciting "bad boy" who bones her at the weekend. I'm sure the mix and match relationships thingy happens with guys though maybe in a different way, but since I don't go out with guys I can't comment(though I can think of one bloke who fits that scenario). Maybe you're the sure thing, always there fallback guy, or the good sex guy.

Either way, it's not healthy for you. Friends with benefits can work out quite well though it has more pressures or more chance of something going amiss, but this is not a FWB situation.

Cut contact or strictly limit it to above the waist. This may make her up the ante as she'll see you moving away, but resist that as she well knows you'd probably like a second go of things with her, so that's the weakness she'll aim for. See it for what it is and keep moving.

username123

Wibbs wrote: »

Actually that had occurred to me too. Insecure people tend to not like being on their own, so you may well be the fallback guy, or she's making up one relationship outa two. Kinda mix and match. The very common one is the "nice" guy in friendzone that give emotional support and ego boost and the exciting "bad boy" who bones her at the weekend. I'm sure the mix and match relationships thingy happens with guys though maybe in a different way, but since I don't go out with guys I can't comment(though I can think of one bloke who fits that scenario). Maybe you're the sure thing, always there fallback guy, or the good sex guy.

Either way, it's not healthy for you. Friends with benefits can work out quite well though it has more pressures or more chance of something going amiss, but this is not a FWB situation.

Cut contact or strictly limit it to above the waist. This may make her up the ante as she'll see you moving away, but resist that as she well knows you'd probably like a second go of things with her, so that's the weakness she'll aim for. See it for what it is and keep moving.

+1, but with the caveat that its not just insecure people who play the bad BF/good BF game - sometimes secure people like to play it too for their own reasons. Whatever the security level of the lady in question I would strongly advise the OP to cut contact of a sexual nature and stop being the back up guy.