5 year relationship. Fiancee calls it off. Blocks me out completely

LegacyUser

I've gone anonymous for this one.

I was in a relationship with a really beautiful woman up until three days ago. We had a row over something really ridiculous and she phoned me later to tell me that it's best we part. I was stupid enough to try and be noble and say that I was proud of her for making her choice and that I'll always love her, and miss her. The minute the phone was put down by her I began kicking myself..regretting that I didn't try to convince her to stay and that we would fix things.

So what did I do..? Only up and go over to her home place. I know her family well as I met her while I was in the states. I called over..and no matter how hard I tried she wouldn't meet me in person, talk with me on the telephone or even answer my text messages. Her own family are stumped in relation to this as they didn't see it coming. Her friends told me that she was talking great things about me on the day beforehand..

I only stayed for a day..and flew back here to Ireland..But now I'm just stuck in a rut as I'm without closure. Five whole years gone in just a brief conversation. Her family were so nice and I was looking forward to having them as the in-laws. What I did before I left was order some flowers with a small card..and I also left a hand written letter for her attention.

Any advice to keep me on the straight and narrow..I'm doing my nut in here missing her. She was my best friend as well as wife to be. Without her I'm pretty much a loner..

Kirnsy

i know its hard but i think you need to cut contact with her and move on as best you can.


the woman who you want as your wife wouldn't ignore a man who came all the way over to the states to talk to her.

Wibbs

Actually kudos to how you handled it, phone wise. Text book perfect in my humble. Not the usual at all. Again fair play.

I would also echo Kirnsy on this one. OK now this may be black and white and life is full of greys, but I would look at her actions and boil it down to; she's a fruitloop, who out of the blue gets coldfeet and everything goes out the window, or she's a fruitloop who selfishly only thinks of herself and for whatever reason bails, or she's a fruitloop. There's a pattern emerging. Its possible she's having an attack of the temporary insanity and that's all dandy, but that type thrives on drama. Still in fruitloop territory.

Look if someone says they're leaving, whether it's a week a year or ten, then let them go. Pretty much as simple as that. If they're going to come back, letting them go will speed up the process, though I would suggest pinning a future on someone who makes snap decisions without explanation as a bad bet. A very bad bet. I've known men and women to end up married to the type. Not good.

Salome

How was the relationship before the row? Do you think the last argument was the straw that broke the camel's back? Maybe, she'd just called time on the relationship because things weren't going to improve?

00112984

Could it be that she overreacted and now she's not able to back down? I think we've all done that before, though not quite to that extent!

You've done as much as you can. She knows where you are and how to contact you so I'd suggest just sitting tight and not making any decisions for a week.

lushballs

Obviously other issues involved & the incident is a smokescreen. If she won't communicate the only closure you will get is with yourself. Just mind yourself and use your supports. I would imagine you are in shock and that it hasn't really hit you yet.

Adelante

Hey good job on keeping your dignity and your self -respect, as you work through this, it will be hard and there will be times, when it gets too much, this is where and when you need to be strong a few things that may be of help, there only suggestions so try them on for size!!

#1 Get this book, the title says it all -"It' called a break-up, because it's broken" this is going to save you a life time of pain and suffering

#2 Excerise, run!! keep running, run until you are tired, then when you have thrown up you run some more. WHy i hear you say, its a hell of alot better than drinking a full bottle of Paddy's and puking your guts up and having your kid sis, look after

#3 Reconnect with the yourself, how you do that is upto you, mediate, do yoga, pray, go to chrurch, temple, synagogue, somewhere sacred to you and to you alone -the pub does not count!

#4 Talk with a counsellor,or someone other than your family or friends, cos chances are, as I've found out there is only long someone can listen to the same story b4 they loose interest you will understand this and get it as you go. You need your family and friends don't drive them away.

#4a if you feel the urge to call her at four in the morning, make arrangement with a friend or family that if this occurs, they will be the ones you will call, they wiil put you right quick smart.

#5 Keep positive in your thoughts and in your actions as these will stand to you. The universe has incredible power, think positive thoughts, let her go with love and light.

Now is the time for you to grow, drinking yourself into oblivion or what your vice is, delays the process, trust me on this. Let it happen as its suppose to, if you fall of the horse, dust yourself off, forgive yourself, learn the learnings, leave the anger sadness fear hurt and guilt behind and move on.
Baby steps, and don't be salmon, have a break!! Peace and love

LegacyUser

Thank you all for your genuine replies. They're really helpful and make me feel that bit better.

Kirnsy and Wibbs- I think you're both right. The best way to play this is by the ball and not to have any communication with her. It's so bloody hard though. It's worse knowing that while her phone rings out..she's looking at it and not bothering to answer it. What's very strange is that she doesn't just disconnect me directly.

I don't even know why she won't text me to tell me to leave her be. I know she may not have reacted anyway positively to me going to the states..as the notice was short..I was on a plane three hours after that telephone call.

Which brings me onto this

Salome - The relationship was great before this. The difficulty was that she was staying in the USA and really wanted to come back to Ireland. This was for a period of nine months..which was wrecking both of us..but for visa purposes and financial purposes we had to try and keep things right so she'd get permanent residency after we marry and have enough money to get a home. The row, which I started; was a result of my having a horrible day. She didn't deserve it. She even apologised to me on the night of the row but I was so cruel I didn't acknowledge it.

I'll never forgive myself for it..as this wouldn't have happened otherwise.

00112984 - I wouldn't call it over-reacting as much as I would call it confusion. Would I be too generous in saying that she's confused about what she should do in life because of the distance factor? She was literally going to be coming back this week..In fact I was going to give her the good news two days after she asked me to break up..but as you can see that all went down the toilet.

Lushballs - I hope I can forgive myself at some point..It's just the fact that it was sheer ignorance and stupidity on my part that made me lose the woman I love. I wanted to prove that I was wrong by visiting her; no matter how much the cost..and asking her to come back and we'll fight the demons if and when they show up. I'd rather be 250,000 in debt and have her in my life rather than have a clean slate without her..

Adelante - Thank you for those points! They're very informative. Number 2 really stands out as it's what I used to do when my job really got me down. It's real stress killer so I might do it tomorrow. Number 3..All I'm doing is praying..and Number 4 is important. The last thing I need to do is wander around mopey all of the time..so I'm trying to put on a brave face..

I'm going to join a Gym. It's the best bet. I'm staying off work for the next week as I don't think I can face my coworkers asking me about how things are.. I want to get things organised and see if I can post her things back.

The funny thing about all of this is that I understand why she may not want to talk to me. I broke her heart by making her think I put money before her..I delayed things as she wanted to be home by Christmas..so I have myself to blame..but if only I didn't fly off the handle that night..everything would have been okay..

It's going to be so hard, guys. Again I thank you so much for your honest replies..

Wibbs

The other thing about any emotional trauma is that any advice however right on the money is in the heat of the moment hard to follow or even come to grips with and of course things change. It's not dissimilar to telling someone with a weight problem; "eat less, move more". It's blindingly obvious it's true and you know deep down it's true, but just because it's true doesn't make it any easier. Saying it is one thing, but to do it, people have to often fall back on their own mechanism of coping and you're now in this position.

Who knows what will come out in the wash, but the obvious issue surrounding this remains the same. You thought you had something and now a spanner has been thrown in the works by her abrupt disconnection.

So how do you deal with this? First and foremost, you have to disconnect, even a litte from the emotional panic you're feeling. You have to come to terms sooner rather than later with the ramifications of this. Not least of which is that the relationship you thought you had is over. If it makes you feel easier with this idea, that doesn't always mean that you can't forge a new one, but that's up to her.

Actually, scratch that It's up to you. What's up to you is much more important, but many if not most miss that. You are now in the position of deciding the next step in your life. A thing usually lost in the heady mix of romance and certainty of a love you once were sure of. Everyone does it, so take some comfort in that, but look to you now. Look to what you are and how you can move forward for you. If you do that you can always be certain of you.

You think you won't find this again? Well frankly that's just bullshít of the highest order. On the numbers alone, do you think that out of a few billion women, you got that lucky? I would say no. More to the point out of the few billions of men, maybe she pulled the short straw by her actions right before she got the prize.

Don't get me wrong. It takes two to tango and you could be as much an eejit as her. I don't know, but so what? You're the eejit that has control, full control of the next step you take in your life. Take that next step, move on, realise your worth is not tied up exclusively with another and is more tied up in you. Do that and few will call you eejit. I know I wouldn't.

LegacyUser

Thank you, Wibbs. That's deep and informative. When you mention her pulling the short straw before the prize..do you mean the fact that she pulled out right before I was going to ask her to make the big move..? Or do you mean otherwise?

I don't know..I'm just trapped in this limbo..but I'm only three days into it. As weeks go by it will surely get easier.

Won't it?

Wibbs

Thanks but trust me I'm about as deep as a puddle in the sahara. As far as the short straw goes, I mean she has decided to walk away from what you had. Maybe she had good reason, maybe she didn't, but.... OK put it another way, I have friends, men and women, some going back 30 odd years(yep I'm old:)) and we've had our issues over that time but I never walked away from those knuckleheads and they never walked away from this knucklehead. I'm not thinking of marrying them and on a purely practical basis I could do worse, I can tell you. I've never married. Why? Because I could only ever marry someone whom I could add as one of my best friends and I haven't found that yet. None of my friends would pull something this abrupt without damn good reason and defo not without a damn good explanation. Which should speak volumes to you in your situation.

LegacyUser

Again..Thank you everyone here.

I'll do what you guys have suggested. Try and avoid phone leaving her a dozen voicemails in the middle of the night and just pray that she might even speak to me again sometime soon.

Adelante

hi just to clarify a little, when I mentioned meditating and praying. For me praying was to find peace from the inner turmoil and screaming agony of having to deal with the pain of disconnecting, now yes there were times I would pray for her and for our "situation" to be fixed and we would be ok.

After a long time i realised that by praying and meditating for her and the hope of things changing, I had to stop living on false hope and realised she no longer needed me to pray for her, Dido said in it her song "I will go down with this ship"-I started to pray for the right reasons, I had to refined my intentions,for me, and how I choose to live my life. I second what Wibbs has said, we can't tell you what to do, only you can decide what your next step will be.

It will be hard,and right now everything is a blurr,numbing, and mixed up,take your time to process things.Be gentle on yourself

Hope this helps

LegacyUser

Just to update you guys.

After sending flowers to her with an apology note - the lady finally sent me a text message to say it was over. I was told I was loved but I hurt her in so many ways that cannot be undone (?) - I was also told that she didn't want to ask for help but pleaded with me to help me help myself in finding someone else.

It still seemed a bit empty, cold. It's sad it's gone like that. I've packed up all of her things..Six large boxes..I reckon the bill could be 500 euros to get them back..but I need to do this for closure..and to show that I still have some honour and respect; even if none is being returned.

Thanking you all for your help,

I'm feeling a little bit better. I think I might stomach a meal tomorrow.

Salome

It's sad that a five year relationship is no more but I'm with Wibbs on this one, you need to move on now. It's a positive thing that you're sending back her things though.

It just goes to show what a ridiculous argument can result in.

MagicMarker

Unregistered wrote: »

Just to update you guys.

After sending flowers to her with an apology note - the lady finally sent me a text message to say it was over. I was told I was loved but I hurt her in so many ways that cannot be undone (?) - I was also told that she didn't want to ask for help but pleaded with me to help me help myself in finding someone else.

It still seemed a bit empty, cold. It's sad it's gone like that. I've packed up all of her things..Six large boxes..I reckon the bill could be 500 euros to get them back..but I need to do this for closure..and to show that I still have some honour and respect; even if none is being returned.

Thanking you all for your help,

I'm feeling a little bit better. I think I might stomach a meal tomorrow.

For god's sake man don't spend 500 euro just to send her stuff back!! That's just plain idiotic, you've already wasted a plane ticket.

Tell her if she wants her stuff then she needs to send you the money first, if not it's going to the dump.

edit: 5000th post, w00t!

dyl10

If you genuinely did hurt her a lot, you could learn a lot from this relationship and be better for it in the future...

Wibbs

Unregistered wrote: »

After sending flowers to her with an apology note - the lady finally sent me a text message to say it was over. I was told I was loved but I hurt her in so many ways that cannot be undone (?)

Is that (?) genuine? I mean can you see no reason for her to say this? Now it could just be down to individual perception. On her part, all the little arguments that were never resolved just got too much or was there a specific thing that she would point to?

The reason I ask is that you should figure out for yourself what the reason was. Too often people ignore the elephant in the room until it jumps on them. IMHO men are particularly guilty of this. I've done it myself. Ignored what I needed to deal with and then when it blew up, I also at times complained "it was outa the blue". It wasn't.

Now of course she could just be an emotionally unreliable person who would not be a good bet to build a future with. Or an external source has changed her mind(family, another bloke etc). Or all of the above. Regardless her mind has been changed.

I would not apologise again. Not until you actually know what you're apologising for. Indeed even then I would stop. It'll serve no purpose.

- I was also told that she didn't want to ask for help but pleaded with me to help me help myself in finding someone else.

I would tend to believe her when she says she loves you, but shes not in love with you. The spark for her seems to be gone. At some point recently she looked at you and her feelings just weren't there for her. Whatever issue she had, real or imagined, built to the point where she didn't feel the same confidence in a future with you.

That can happen in an instant, or at least appear to. She would have come to this conclusion based on her feelings, not an obvious logical step by step thing. She may not even be able to explain it herself, but she'll just know.

She probably tried to ignore it for a time, but couldn't ignore it forever. That kinda thing has also happened to me. Looking back I couldn't narrow it down to a actual point when I've fallen in love with a woman, but I can remember the precise point when I fell out of love with her. No real "logic" to it, no change in background noise. Just one moment I would have said, "yes I love her" and damn near the next, I would look at them a different way. Go figure. There was always a build up though.

It still seemed a bit empty, cold. It's sad it's gone like that.

Of course and she's also trying to protect her own emotions and resolve them in her head. Take a leaf from her book and start detaching yourself. She's got a head start, but you can catch up. Sometimes in romantic relationships the best template to follow in moving on is the template of the one already moving on.

I've packed up all of her things..Six large boxes..I reckon the bill could be 500 euros to get them back..but I need to do this for closure..and to show that I still have some honour and respect; even if none is being returned.

Funny, I would be with you on this. I know, I know, some may think you a sap, but I think you should do it. If it helps you feel better about yourself, if it helps you begin the process of moving on, if it helps you get some bookend on this situation, well then 500 quid is money well spent.

I'm feeling a little bit better. I think I might stomach a meal tomorrow.

Good for you. In years to come you will look back on this and it will bring some pain, but it'll be a memory and you will also look back and wished you moved on faster. You'll know of course that it'll happen at it's own pace. Play it right and you'll end up learning more about yourself than you thought possible. I would say that goes for any emotional trauma in ones life. Best of luck.

NewFrockTuesday

Good for you. In years to come you will look back on this and it will bring some pain, but it'll be a memory and you will also look back and wished you moved on faster. You'll know of course that it'll happen at it's own pace. Play it right and you'll end up learning more about yourself than you thought possible. I would say that goes for any emotional trauma in ones life. Best of luck.

Agreed. What feels like the end of the world now passes and you begin to discover a whole new world. I cried for 2 weeks solid when a previous relationship ended...it was the first time I had been dumped...and it took a long time to get back to normal living again, but it does happen and eventually you accept it and look back at the good parts instead of dwelling on the bad bits. Youll come to a point where you forgive and she will as well. But contact is something to be avoided unless you have to.

Good luck OP.