Suicide Risk?

LegacyUser

Me and my gf have been going out for a 9 months. We love eachother very much and plan to move in together soon. Before that she was going out with a guy for 2 years. He has always been unstable, bitter about their breakup, highly resentful of me and can be prone to violent outbursts. We know eachother quite well but wouldn't consider myself friends with him, especially considering the circumstances. When we see eachother I keep my distance from both him and my girlfriend because I don't want to aggrivate the situation.

I understand that jealousy and heartbreak are natural parts of post-relationship but this has taken worrying twist. He is becoming violent, threatening, locking himself in his apartment room so noone can speak to him, not even his close friends he lives with, except he'll only talk to her. He is convinced they will get back together which is 100% out of the question. He doesn't understand how is behaviour in the past has ruled himself out of any chance with her. He will not open up to anyone or discuss the situation with anyone else. He hasn't left his house all day and is not accepting calls or visits from anyone else. She went over earlier because she was worried he was gonna do something bad. HHis room and all the furniture was destroyed and broken. When she started clearing it up, she found knives under the bed. She got rid of them and told his housemates about them and told them to watch out for him...and had to leave.

We don't know what to do. She says she is very worried about him and if he ever did anything to himself it would destroy her but also wonders if this is a (very bad) stunt or attention seeking exercise to try and win her back. I havn't tried to talk to him because any sign of me might make things worse. Her trying to talk him sense is only a vicious circle. I am convinced he has serious emotional difficulties and needs professional help. He refuses to accept this when she suggests it so we are in the difficult position of deciding whether or not to call his parents to let them know. They have no idea of the problems he has...I have told her that any potential family disturbance caused by letting them know about his problems would be much better than any grieving done later. We just don't know if it's right to step in just yet...has anyone been in this situation before?

He said he'd sort himself out after she left and appeared calm and composed and is under the watch of his housemates. but is this enough? thanks for any help or comments.

cantdecide

I had a close relative in a sowewhat similar situation but not over a girl. I feared suicide for a long long time and I am sure that unless his parents are ogres, they should be involved. If it is anything like my situation, he may just lash out in all directions so getting him to agree to see someone neutral would be the best outcome IMO.

Wish I could help more...

Salome

I agree with cantdecide - I think you might suggest that his flatmates contact his parents/family. Perhaps he's had difficulties in the past - seeing as you're not friends - it may be appropriate that his family help him. He may listen to them too.

RossFixxxed

Totally unacceptable behaviour. Either offer him help or the highway. You guys shouldn't have to suffer his hissy fits. If he is THAT mentally ill he needs help, advise his parents and separate yourselves, you may be a catalyst to this guys problems.

FlutterInBum

Unregistered wrote: »

Me and my gf have been going out for a 9 months. We love eachother very much and plan to move in together soon. Before that she was going out with a guy for 2 years. He has always been unstable, bitter about their breakup, highly resentful of me and can be prone to violent outbursts. We know eachother quite well but wouldn't consider myself friends with him, especially considering the circumstances. When we see eachother I keep my distance from both him and my girlfriend because I don't want to aggrivate the situation.

I understand that jealousy and heartbreak are natural parts of post-relationship but this has taken worrying twist. He is becoming violent, threatening, locking himself in his apartment room so noone can speak to him, not even his close friends he lives with, except he'll only talk to her. He is convinced they will get back together which is 100% out of the question. He doesn't understand how is behaviour in the past has ruled himself out of any chance with her. He will not open up to anyone or discuss the situation with anyone else. He hasn't left his house all day and is not accepting calls or visits from anyone else. She went over earlier because she was worried he was gonna do something bad. HHis room and all the furniture was destroyed and broken. When she started clearing it up, she found knives under the bed. She got rid of them and told his housemates about them and told them to watch out for him...and had to leave.

We don't know what to do. She says she is very worried about him and if he ever did anything to himself it would destroy her but also wonders if this is a (very bad) stunt or attention seeking exercise to try and win her back. I havn't tried to talk to him because any sign of me might make things worse. Her trying to talk him sense is only a vicious circle. I am convinced he has serious emotional difficulties and needs professional help. He refuses to accept this when she suggests it so we are in the difficult position of deciding whether or not to call his parents to let them know. They have no idea of the problems he has...I have told her that any potential family disturbance caused by letting them know about his problems would be much better than any grieving done later. We just don't know if it's right to step in just yet...has anyone been in this situation before?

He said he'd sort himself out after she left and appeared calm and composed and is under the watch of his housemates. but is this enough? thanks for any help or comments.

What age is he? Is he still in his teens or early 20's?

The_Conductor

From the little you've outlined he seems to be at serious risk to his own health. By rights his family should be contacted and if it is as bad as it seems, psychiatric assistance sought on his behalf.

LegacyUser

He's actually 29, hard to believe he's behaving like a child...but there ya go. I can understand a love-sick teenager doing something like this over a first love, but this guy has had other serious relationships in the past (I don't know how they ended or if he was like this with them) but basically he's a loose cannon, but i'm not exactly sure how loose.

FlutterInBum

Unregistered wrote: »

He's actually 29, hard to believe he's behaving like a child...but there ya go. I can understand a love-sick teenager doing something like this over a first love, but this guy has had other serious relationships in the past (I don't know how they ended or if he was like this with them) but basically he's a loose cannon, but i'm not exactly sure how loose.

Sorry to hear that. I was going to offer advice if he was young but....

Best of luck.

Salome

I agree with the other OP, you and your girlfriend being present may only be making it worse by winding him up. He may be doing it for your girlfriend's attention so it's probably best if you both withdraw from the situation - his family should take over and perhaps get medical assistance for him.

Nevyn

I would suggest that she disconnects from him but inform his family about her concerns.

Pigman III

is a tough situation. i personally wouldnt disconnent your girl from him, it would crush him. this might sound utterly stupid, but if you have a single friend, you could set them up together.

muboop1

Pigman III wrote: »

is a tough situation. i personally wouldnt disconnent your girl from him, it would crush him. this might sound utterly stupid, but if you have a single friend, you could set them up together.

and potentially inflict this on the single friend if ti doesnt work out?

Pigman III

Exactly...

LegacyUser

"Setting him up" with people is not an option in his current state. Maybe a few months down the line but it's all about making sure he's safe for the moment. (he's ok for the time being but i fear another outburst might not be far away). We have contacted his parents and told them that we are worried about him. They were very understanding and seemed to realise that it was serious. I suppose it is up to them to try and persuade him to get counselling which I presume they are doing. Hopefully he will accept that he needs it. Thank you all very much for your comments.

Beruthiel

Thaedydal wrote: »

I would suggest that she disconnects from him but inform his family about her concerns.

I totally agree with the above.
Your g/f needs to cut all ties with him. She is giving him false hope by turning up as she does. That is not helping at all.
She is not responsible for him or his actions.

Kooli

Totally agree this is NOT her problem.

He is being totally manipulative, and I don't mean that in a cruel way because his emotions are real. But what message is your girlfriend giving him by responding to him whenever he demands her attention?

The fact is if she is the reason he is so distraught, she is NOT the person who can help him out of this. There is no point in offering him hope in the fear he might kill himself if that hope isn't actually real - that's not going to help him in the long run. He needs help (from OTHER people) in accepting the truth and everything that means to him - he does NOT need protecting from the truth.

Best of luck though, it's a tough one.

LegacyUser

Hi, Mental Health professional ere, Avoiding all comments on motives/manipulation etc, But im sure the problem will raise its head again with your poor GF and yourself. The best thing to do if your concerned about his mental state is to :-
A) Inform his family immediately
Get a GP or Duty Doctor to review him at home or in a GP surgery
C) All else fails and poses a risk get Garda to come and state your concerned for his safety, they will detain for the purposes of a mental state exam and then a GP will attend the station and either make a recomendation under mental health act for his admission, or let him go.

I think leaving someone with that degree of turmoil whatever the cause etc needs to have external support of some kind. Its as simple as that, im not advocating to stay involved or to leave him be and tell him to get lost thats your decision and you or anyone else are not to be responsible for others actions.

Society and individuals have to start taking responsibility for themselves (to a degree, hench above action)

Anyway Good luck with it all........