All sorts of problems...

Lobelia Overhill

I won't bother going anonymous here since I post about this stuff everywhere ...

I'm on Carers Allowance looking after both parents, I don't get on with them, and TBH I never have done, I was a late baby, my Da ignored me, and D'Mother treated me like I was the bane of her life.

Anyhoos, due to circumstances that I can't explain I ended up at home when D'Mother became "incapacitated" - she fell coming in the back door and developed a 'phobia' about shiny floors/wet surfaces and things snowballed from there.

I've been convinced all my life that she's "not right in the head", last year a doctor asked (no prompting from me) if D'Mother had ever been diagnosed with a mental disorder as she was "odd" ... Now I wouldn't know about any diagnoses made on her mental health and there's no one I can ask, all her old medical records will have been destroyed as we've moved house several times in the last 30 years. She complains about terrible smells that no one else is aware of, refuses to eat food because it "tastes funny", she tells me I smell and have bad breath (to the point I've seen a doctor about it twice), she was laughing her head off watching the news on 9/11, and she use to tell people

that I hate her (I don't hate her, I wouldn't waste my breath hating her!). I've spoken to that same doctor a few times since then and she just tells me I should leave home - no clues as to where I'm supposed to go (been refused local authority housing and was told I'll never be entitled to same - tried to complain but no one seemed to know who the Housing Inspector was[?]), how I'm supposed to get anywhere, and what I'm supposed to live on when I get there. I suffer from long term Depression (I think it's called Dysthymia) and have a bad back. I've been on anti-depressants and they made things worse (D'Mother thought I should be behaving "normally" and got on my back for not behaving "normally"). One [locum] doctor didn't think meds were the answer, two other doctors instantly reached for the prescription pad as soon as I spoke ... I've had little/no treatment for my back problems (which are made worse cos I'm Caring for two people). Oh and I've been diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes (on meds and managing it).

My Da has so many things wrong with him it's easier to tell you what's right with him ... he's nearly blind, half deaf, and in a wheelchair, oh and he's going senile. He started getting 'funny' a few years ago thinking he'd no money, last year he started roaring his head off that someone had declared him dead, more recently he talks about people being in the house (I think he's hallucinating)

A doctor put him on meds on the basis of my saying "I think my Da's going senile" - he's never been examined by anyone. Same doctor laughs in my face when I spend 10 minutes describing D'Mother's symptoms, as there's "nothing wrong with her" (here have some Prozac and go away)

I have an older brother who exhibits similar "behaviours" to D'Mother, he visits a few times a year and spends all his time screaming at me because the house isn't tidy. I've told him about my Depression and bad back, he seems to think I'm making these things up as an excuse to be a lazy bastard and/or I'm deliberately making the house a mess to piss him off. He banned me from using the main bathroom as I'd made too much of a mess of it and it's for guests. :rolleyes:

I'm on Carers Allowance (nearly 10 years now) for my Da, I applied for both parents but was never paid for D'Mother (I didn't know that till it was too late to appeal the decision cos they never told me I wasn't getting paid for her) she has since refused to sign the form, or the form for the Respite Grant. I have a Public Health Nurse who visits infrequently and tends to huff and roll her eyes when I say anything, or advises me to speak to my family (yeah, tried that was told to "**** off", so, FAIL). She doesn't seem to say anything to the doctor (I was under the impression they are supposed to communicate with each other?). I was told last year that I'm supposed to have a Social Worker, and she's been a great help - as far as she can help me. She spoke to my parents last year and I was able to put them in Respite for a month (Da went berserk in the Home tho' - serious paranoia issues), so I've not been able to avail of any respite since (I'm entitled to 12 weeks respite annually, but how I'm supposed to get it gawd knows). I applied for a Home Help and was told I'm not entitled to one (they wouldn't even give me one in an emergency when I hurt my back last August and couldn't walk), but my parents might be. I can't supply them with the necessary financial details as I don't have access to anything ...

Anyone else had any experiences of dealing with similar long term illnesses, what assistance did you get, and more importantly where did you get the assistance?

(If there was somewhere else on the boards I should/could post this for advice, then do tell!)

Cheersmedears

Baybay

I empathise with your circumstances and, in some ways, you could be telling my story except in my case, my father is the problem.

Anyway.

Firstly, your brother, unless he is making some contribution to care or finances, needs to be gently reminded who has care of his parents while he's getting on with his own life.
If visitors have a problem with your house, let them lend a hand. Nobody visits my parents without getting some sort of job from letting the cat in or out, through emptying a bin to hanging out a load of washing. I don't live with them but see them at least once every day and at the moment they have Home Help three mornings a week for one hour but, as you know, jobs need to be done throughout the day so visitors, of which I would class myself as one, are invaluable resources.

My mother is my father's carer and gets an allowance for same. She is financially responsible and I have no direct knowledge of how that system works. They only became eligible for Home Help in the last couple of weeks as my mother broke her ankle and this was organised through the local doctor and no financial information was required. It will be removed when the ankle has healed although I am trying to see if I can keep the HH for even one hour a week after my mother is back on her feet.

I think you need to make an appointment with your doctor and with your social worker. Write a list of all your concerns about each of you. Include everything: health, finances, medications, mobility aids, bathroom aids, meals on wheels, family involvement, full time nursing homing and anything else that you can think might make their lives, and yours as carer, easier. You will not get all of it but you might get some and it might help.

Good luck!

Lobelia Overhill

Thanks ...

I have spoken to doctors and the Social Worker, the doctors just want to medicate me, and the Social Worker is still telling me to try to get the financial details sorted out ...

Emerald Lass

Lobelia Overhil wrote: »

I'm on Carers Allowance (nearly 10 years now) for my Da, I applied for both parents but was never paid for D'Mother (I didn't know that till it was too late to appeal the decision cos they never told me I wasn't getting paid for her) she has since refused to sign the form, or the form for the Respite Grant.

Hi Lobelia, in regards to the above, AFAIK carers is very difficult to get for two parents living in the same home. Technically the grant is awarded to theperson being cared for with an 'authorised' receiver - ie the carer, so in theory you should be able to get 2 allowances, but in reality it rarely happens. If you get one allowance, then the second one is means tested. So although in theory if both parents are deemed to need FT care, and you are proved to be the one providing that care you should get the allowance for both of them. But in reality it rarely happens.

lobelia wrote:

I can't supply them with the necessary financial details as I don't have access to anything ...

not sure what you mean by this? do you mean your parents financial details? again this is only AFAIK, but your parents financials are not needed, it is only yours. at least this was the case when my sis was applying for a carers allowance for my dad - only her and her husbands financials were required.

Don;t get me started on the whole carers allowance thing - they move the goal posts so much you never keep up. First they said my dad didn;t need care, so we appealled and they agreed that he did need care, but then refused to give it to my sister due to her husbands income at the time (he was getting overtime for a few months and that excluded her). That was then lowered so she reapplied, this time they said her means were ok, and my dad did need care, but they maintained that she was not giving him FT care (she is, but doesn't live with him - this is not supposed to matter, but again its open to interpretation so they usually interpret it to their benefit!). She is now appealing AGAIN but we are not hopeful - they say my dad does need help, but they say she's not giving it. So who has been for the last year, because as all the doctors say, id he weren't being cared for he would be significantly more ill!???

Its all abig swizz - and the people who suffer are the ill and those who care for them. If they were as stringent with other SW payments then things might be better for all of us but it seems they only are stringent if you are old or sick. I don't know any carers who have FT jobs, who are getting the allowance and only pay €18 rent, but I know of plenty of 'unemployed' people who work, pay almost no rent and have medical cards!?? go figure!

Lobelia Overhill

Emerald Lass wrote: »

Hi Lobelia, in regards to the above, AFAIK carers is very difficult to get for two parents living in the same home.

No one seems to keen on letting me have the extra 50% payment, so you might be right there!

not sure what you mean by this? do you mean your parents financial details?

I think I meant for applying for a Home Help ... They want to know how much of a pension and what bank accounts they have. I can get info on their pensions, but not their bank accounts.

I think you're right that it's a big swizz, especially when you consider how much a Home Help gets!

thanks!