My father has end stage emphysema

Baybay

I've been deliberating about posting but if any of you know who I am from reading this, that means you're one of a very few with whom I've shared bits and pieces and if I haven't said so in real life, then please accept a virtual thanks for your support.

I'll try to be as brief as I can.

My father has multiple health issues, any of which could be fatal and all of which have reared their heads with varying severity over the last few years. Underlying these has been emphysema since he was diagnosed, about 20 years ago, when he was nearly 60.

All of his life and unrelated to his illnesses, he has been a detached father, an awkward husband and a mini dictator at home. I don't mean to make it sound any better or worse than it was. It just was the way it was.

His illnesses have exacerbated all of what I consider to be his failings and he has no saving graces in terms of how he speaks to us, particularly my mother, who has her own serious health problems. He is almost completely dependent but manages, so far, to feed himself and go to the bathroom. Visitors are tolerated, tv is not, neither are closed curtains, radios, newspapers, telephones and sporadically his medications and oxygen. Over the past few days, food has joined the list.

I phoned his doctor to see what we should do and while I did listen and put in place his suggestions, all I can hear in my mind is the doctor saying "at end stage, all is normal". I know he has been what's considered end stage for months now and all three of us talk about funeral arrangements with a certain black humour that they both seem to enjoy!

But. After a life time of needing and wanting to get away from him, I'm not sure I'm ready for "end" anything, however close or far in the future it may be.

I don't know what I want any of you to say, if anything at all. Maybe all I wanted was to get what I've said off my chest and for that I'm grateful.

CathyMoran

All I can do is offer my sympathies and support, please feel free to rant whenever you want. Hugs!

tbh

Hi babybay, my thoughts are with you. This must be a very difficult time and I'd say you have loads of conflicting emotions. The only thing I could say is to not leave anything unsaid. If you need to explain yourself or make your peace with your dad, you should. wishing you strength.

Baybay

Tbh, I've been thinking about your post over the past couple of days.

Firstly, thank you for your thoughts and words.

For years I fantasised about "telling the truth", as I saw it, at his eulogy but, in deference to my mother, decided against. I'm a little older now and realise I don't want to let myself down either!

The only things that might be left unsaid are the things that probably should be by me and the things that would not occur to my father to say to the rest of us.

I have made peace. With myself.

My father can take what he will from my helping him into bed from the bathroom, where he has been sitting fully dressed on the toilet, not remembering what to do next, for the 15 minutes it takes me to drive to him. Collecting his pension, his medications, his groceries, paying his bills, driving him to hospital and doctors appointments, washing his food, and worse, stained clothing.
I'm happy for my actions to speak for me as I think at this point they may have as much impact as anything I can say.

Anyway, thanks again. A worthwhile point, I just hope I'm doing what you suggest but in my own way.

tbh

You have a lot of class, in my opinion. What you have to think about is, what will it achieve? If you've made your peace with your dad, then you've done all you need to do. It's really for your own benefit, so that in years to come you don't think "why didn't I..." - but I would say, you did. Hope things are ok.