I'm groomsman - am having second thoughts

LegacyUser

Not sure if this belongs in PI but here goes.

First a little back ground. I’ve known these two guys 15 years. I asked one to be a Grooms man (Friend A) at my wedding, and the other (Friend to be best man. No problems so far. a month or so later Friend A’s missus has their first child and they ask Friend B to be Godfather. Again no problem so far. Some months later again I have a falling out with Friend A and he does not come to my wedding. Both A & B also loose touch two years later everything is sorted out. But A & B are still distant to each other

here’s where things start to become a problem. I was asked by A to be a groomsman for his wedding. But was told not to say anything to B, which I found very strange. anyway after some badgering A says, “sure I’m asking him to the wedding so don’t worry about it.” Still I found this strange, anyway I reluctantly accepted to be groomsman. In most cases I’d be honoured as would most people but I don’t get on too well with his missus and this is why I’m apprehensive. I think that she was the root cause to all the problems to begin with. After seeing the two lads around each other I’m really having second thoughts. At another wedding a few months ago A kept making snide comments about B behind his back. I actually thought he’d had his balls chopped off he was that bitchy. so now I’m thinking maybe A has asked me to be a groomsman to stick two finders up at B and possibly cause some friction.

another thin is A arrange his stag. he asks my availability, to which I told him, my exam supplemental are usually in the first week of sept, I always keep early sept and all of august free just in case and then head off on holiday in the last two weeks of sept, so i told him this. He texted back a few days later. Stag is sorted for the end of august. Now I haven’t told him I won’t be going yet coz obviously I may be available if all goes well in June.

then I get a message saying the wedding is in a registry office, we’re all going out for a meal after. everyone pays for their own food and drink. Like I said earlier, I don’t like his missus and have no time for either his or her families so to eat with them is painful enough but to have to pay too? Seems a bit much to me to expect people to pay their own way.

Today he asks if I have a black suit (I don’t) I told him no I only had a dark brown one. He then replied. “That’s a pit coz everyone else will be in black and you’ll stand out if your not”. Now to me this is an implication that I should buy a new suit. I would if I had a need for one other than for 2 hours in October. So now I’m getting the impression he wants me to buy one or rent one.

Now I could be wrong but are the bride and groom not suppose to provide the suits, and if they have a reception are they also not suppose to feed the guests? or am I just being a scabby sod?

anyone any thoughts? at this point I’m thinking of trying to figure out a way out of it.

Harris

I think I would give this a very wide berth - stag, wedding and the whole lot. You have "exams", you will be studying or just will be out of the country for work. It sounds like you are being used as a pawn, and I have never heard of a wedding where you pay for your own meal.

Alicat

I suppose it's not a law that they should pay for the meal for the guests....still slightly annoying though, and I certainly wouldn't be forking out for a present after that!

Regarding the suits, if they're not going to pay for them I think it was mean of your friend to make that comment of you "standing out". Almost guilt-tripping you into getting a new suit just for their wedding!

They sound a bit stingy to be honest. I understand that not everyone has thousands to spend on a wedding but if they're not prepared to spend the money then I think you shouldn't have to either.

jim o doom

Well it sounds like there are games certainly being played, and I would avoid on that basis only.
With regards to paying for a meal with your friends & the suit thing; I reckon you are being a scabby sod. A good friend of mine got married in a registry office, I wore whatever type suit & we had a meal in town. His parents did pay for the meal, but I would have been happy paying for my own as my friend and his new wife are not rich & cannot afford to pay for everybody elses food..
not all people can afford a big wedding where all the family and friends get free food and a suit rented for them and what not..

but like I said, it certainly sounds like there is game playing of some sort going on & I would avoid on those grounds.

Alicat

jim o doom wrote: »

Well it sounds like there are games certainly being played, and I would avoid on that basis only.
With regards to paying for a meal with your friends & the suit thing; I reckon you are being a scabby sod. A good friend of mine got married in a registry office, I wore whatever type suit & we had a meal in town. His parents did pay for the meal, but I would have been happy paying for my own as my friend and his new wife are not rich & cannot afford to pay for everybody elses food..
not all people can afford a big wedding where all the family and friends get free food and a suit rented for them and what not..

but like I said, it certainly sounds like there is game playing of some sort going on & I would avoid on those grounds.

He's scabby for not wanting to spend money on a suit he doesn't need or isn't required?

Either the couple want the whole wedding "thing" (matching suits etc) or they just want to enjoy the company of friends on their wedding day with a no-frills event. Can't have both.

jessbeth

No offense but what sort of people are they? Pay for your own suit and pay your own food, I've never heard of that, honestly. I would just tell him that your awfully sorry but can't attend. Save yourself the money and the hassle.

Oryx

If you dont like his family or his missus, and have a bad feeling over his bitchiness, I dont see you losing much by not attending at all. You might lose a mate, but from your post it doesnt sound to me like theres much of a close friendship going on there anyway. So why suffer an awful day and big expense when he is not taking you into account anyway?

If you must go, can you borrow a suit? Surely someone you know of similar build has a black suit. The paying for a meal thing is odd, yeah, but weddings are expensive, I suppose people have to find their own way of managing to get wed if they havent got the bobs. I think massive 50k weddings are obscene, so I cant really have a go at your mate for doing the opposite.

tbh

YOU are doing THEM a favour dude. My own wedding is coming up and I wouldn't DREAM of asking the best man or the groomsman to buy a new suit just to match mine (pink suits are hard to find) - especially since they are taking time off, travelling to the wedding, buying presents etc etc.

Looks like your friendship with Mate A is on shaky ground. I'd just guilt him out of it to be honest - you're a poor student, you don't have the money for a new suit, it'd be better if he asked someone else.

Tupins

What would annoy me is the comment meant to imply that he wants you to buy a new suit instead of just coming out and saying it directly. I certainly wouldn't go buying a new suit for this wedding. If they want you to have a black one then they'll have to buy it for you. Otherwise they will have to accept your brown one.

There is a definite sound of game playing to be heard here so tread carefully. I assume he's asking people to pay their own way in lieu of a present? If they expect a present too I think it's a bit much.

LegacyUser

Alicat wrote: »

Regarding the suits, if they're not going to pay for them I think it was mean of your friend to make that comment of you "standing out". Almost guilt-tripping you into getting a new suit just for their wedding! .

exactly how I feel about it. I mean I have two suits, a dark brown one and a dark gray one. I wear them for weddings, funerals and interviews. I have no other requirement for one, i'd fork out €100+ and it would lie there.

Alicat wrote: »

They sound a bit stingy to be honest. I understand that not everyone has thousands to spend on a wedding but if they're not prepared to spend the money then I think you shouldn't have to either.

I can understand that money may be an issue everyone is smashed these days , but they want to invite 60 + people

jim o doom wrote: »

With regards to paying for a meal with your friends & the suit thing; ......, but I would have been happy paying for my own as my friend and his new wife are not rich & cannot afford to pay for everybody else’s food.. .

I couldn’t agree more. If it was a small intimate affair with just immediate family and a few select people like you I’d have no problem with buying my own food but they want 60 + people at it. to me that screams reception

jim o doom wrote: »

not all people can afford a big wedding where all the family and friends get free food and a suit rented for them and what not..
.

no they can’t, so they keep it small and tell everyone upfront instead wanting a big bash and then saying nothing to anyone about it until after people have accepted.

Alicat wrote: »

Either the couple want the whole wedding "thing" (matching suits etc) or they just want to enjoy the company of friends on their wedding day with a no-frills event. Can't have both.

I’m getting the impression that they want the big wedding without paying for it. They have seen other peoples and want just that, but want it now and not do what others have done and waited a year. I put my own off for almost two years so we could save the money. still ended up costing as much as a deposit on a house.


so now the question is, how do you pull out of it without ruining a frindship or two? see his missuses sister is married to another friedn fo mine.

I could probably get out of teh Stag because of exams etc, but how about teh day itself? i've no problem attending but I'm not in teh mood of people playing silly buggers and playing one off teh other

seamus

Unregistered wrote: »

exactly how I feel about it. I mean I have two suits, a dark brown one and a dark gray one. I wear them for weddings, funerals and interviews. I have no other requirement for one, i'd fork out €100+ and it would lie there.

And they shouldn't expect you to buy one. You absolutely do not ask someone to be a groomsman or have any other function in your wedding, and then expect them to buy their own clothes to obey by their dress code.

I couldn’t agree more. If it was a small intimate affair with just immediate family and a few select people like you I’d have no problem with buying my own food but they want 60 + people at it. to me that screams reception

If you're throwing a celebration, you're *inviting* your guests, therefore you should be looking after them. The number is irrelevant - you pay for what you can afford. If you can't afford to have 60+ guests, you don't invite 60+ guests.
A small celebration in a hotel with a room, a DJ and some finger food will feed 200 people and give you a big party for less than €1500. If you can't afford a reception, that's a perfectly fine alternative.

Recently enough, I've seen a couple invite all of their friends to their "reception" in a Dublin hotel on a Monday night. All of the mates took the next day off, wore their best clothes, bought presents, and turned up around dinner time to a ballroom with a bar and a DJ and nothing else. They weren't served food (or even given the option!) and there was nothing paid for. The guy paid no more than €500 for the room, and then expected all of his mates to turn up with gifts in the hundreds of euro each and spend hundreds of euro themselves on drink, accomodation and time off.

If you're putting people out, you should be throwing a party and paying for it.

Lollipops23

i agree that if they are short on money they should simply have a tiny affair and get people to pay,but 60people??that's a full-on reception!!if your mate wasn't bothered about a big fancy wedding he wouldn't care about the colour of your suit; who cares if you "stand" out?who cares what suit you were??!!so stupid.also,im doing bridesmaid for a mate this year and as she aint that loaded she gave us a budget for out dresses-if we wanted to go over that we could make up the amount ourselves.that system worked well!

Salome

I wouldn't bother going - if they've invited you, it's wedding protocol for the bridal party (whether it's the bride and groom or their families who are paying) to pay for the bridesmaids and groomsmens clothes. If they can't afford this wedding, they should cut down on expenses, not expect you to shell out for their "happy" day!!

I'd tell them that you're broke and can't afford it - perhaps they'd be better off asking someone else instead?

Peewee_lane

Argh, listen, just go for arguments sake.

You're right about the suits and the food, but they obviously are saving for a mega honeymoon rather than celebrating their wedding in front of their friends with a bit of style so just go, make a cheap short speech ( hey, your paying for your time remember..) actually, write a shLte speech and enjoy yourself.

As we come of age, these are things that we sometimes have to ride through.

Rent the suit (...or borrow it).

Why not team up with friend B, give him and the new bride the fingers and drop out altogether, ending the friendship and getting out of the Bundys day out?

PS - OP, is the new bride foreign>??!!!

mcyclist

You have been asked to be Groomsman( not sure what that is assume it is the same as best man).
I would accept. Tell your friend tou are wearing your grey or brown suit. Tell him you will not stay for meal as you cannot afford it.
Go to the wedding ceremony itself. Act as witness(if that is your role- I am not sure) wish them well and go home.
If they insist on you going to the meal then tell them it is at their expense. If they make comment about your suit then ask them to rent one. Either they are happy to have your company no matter what you wear or they want you to wear a suit they rented- they cannot have it both ways.
I can understand not inviting a large number of people if money is tight but I would expect them to pay for the meals for the witnesses etc.

G&T

Think you are being had,

ye are not best friend's,you don't like his partner,
unlikely ye will be seeing a whole lot of each other
after the wedding

He asked you because you are a soft touch
and I think he is taking advantage of your good nature.

If I was you I would bow out,exam's,money ect,
wish them well,arrange for a bottle of champagne
to be sent to the top table on the day,

That way if ye do meet up thing's wont be hard for you.

not yet

With friends like that etc etc.

Fcuk me man thats nasty nasty stuff......

Trust your gut instinct.

LegacyUser

Peewee_lane wrote: »

You're right about the suits and the food, but they obviously are saving for a mega honeymoon rather than celebrating their wedding in front of their friends with a bit of style so just go, make a cheap short speech ( hey, your paying for your time remember..) actually, write a shLte speech and enjoy yourself.

Eh no on the honeymoon. Apparently a weekend up north, then a few weeks later a family holiday with the kid. it seems that they are cutting teh costs on everything and not just being tight fisted on some aspects of it and splashing out on others.

if memory serves that also told the bridesmaid, who happens to be teh brides sister that she has to pay for her own dress.

Peewee_lane wrote: »

Rent the suit (...or borrow it).……….
PS - OP, is the new bride foreign>??!!!

Don’t see why I should have to rent one. I shelled out €100 for each of the suits at my wedding without a blink of an eye. I knew that if I wanted people other than the best man standing up there then that was the cost I had to pay. as was said it's pretty much a given that the copuple pay for these things.

no she’s not though if she was maybe she’d be easier to get on with

mcyclist wrote: »

You have been asked to be Groomsman( not sure what that is assume it is the same as best man). .

Same only different ya stand there and look good that’s it. Honestly I see no reason for one at a registry office wedding. they need a witness, but the best man is taking that role. I'm just window dressing, so this just adds to my suspicion that he’s playing silly buggers

mcyclist wrote: »

I would accept. Tell your friend tou are wearing your grey or brown suit. Tell him you will not stay for meal as you cannot afford it.
Go to the wedding ceremony itself. Act as witness(if that is your role- I am not sure) wish them well and go home.

well I have accepted, but it was only after I had done so that he mentioned all this stuff that i've started to get second thoughts. Like I said there’s no real reason to have a groomsman that i can see, especiall seeing as we're not that close any more, i've seen them three times in the last 12 months, so all i can think of is they are trying to cause friction

mcyclist wrote: »

If they insist on you going to the meal then tell them it is at their expense. If they make comment about your suit then ask them to rent one. Either they are happy to have your company no matter what you wear or they want you to wear a suit they rented- they cannot have it both ways.
I can understand not inviting a large number of people if money is tight but I would expect them to pay for the meals for the witnesses etc.

yeah me too I know if it was my wedding an I was doing it this way then I’d cut down on the wedding party. so only two witnesses so you need a brides dress, a bridesmaids dress, a grooms suit and a best mans suit. as it stands they now need an additional two, a suit will run tio + 100 if they rent it for me, same with a dress for the second bridesmaid. I would then pay for the meal for the wedding party and anyone else that came would pay their own way, but I would explain this to them before it happened.

Otherwise I’d just go for a meal with the wedding party then arrange a piss up that night with finger food etc