Disagreement with GF

LegacyUser · 20-01-2009 9:53am #1

Hi all,

Have reached a disagreement with my GF and just looking for some opinions.

It's related to partying and drinking. I don't mind and fully support her going out with friends on a night out, going to a pub, then club, etc etc.

However, she prefers going to the club....then going to a lock in, or having friends (plus whoever else tags along) back to her house and stay up drinking till 8.30-9am (sometimes later).

She used to take cocaine and ectasy, but since she started going out with me she has stayed off it.

For example, on Sunday night she went to a club, lock in till 5.30, gang back to her house, and then bed at 8.30. I got a txt at 5.30 to say just leaving pub. No sign of a phone call to say home safely, etc!!

I totally trust and love her. I don't think it's a trust issue - I just don't like the idea of the drinking till 9am. She thinks its possisive and controlling.

Any thoughts?

John_Mc · 20-01-2009 10:06am

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi all,

Have reached a disagreement with my GF and just looking for some opinions.

It's related to partying and drinking. I don't mind and fully support her going out with friends on a night out, going to a pub, then club, etc etc.

However, she prefers going to the club....then going to a lock in, or having friends (plus whoever else tags along) back to her house and stay up drinking till 8.30-9am (sometimes later).

She used to take cocaine and ectasy, but since she started going out with me she has stayed off it.

For example, on Sunday night she went to a club, lock in till 5.30, gang back to her house, and then bed at 8.30. I got a txt at 5.30 to say just leaving pub. No sign of a phone call to say home safely, etc!!

I totally trust and love her. I don't think it's a trust issue - I just don't like the idea of the drinking till 9am. She thinks its possisive and controlling.

Any thoughts?

If she wants to party it up at the weekends then that's her prerogative, and I'm sure you're welcome to tag along with her.

LegacyUser · 20-01-2009 10:08am

John_Mc wrote: »

If she wants to party it up at the weekends then that's her prerogative, and I'm sure you're welcome to tag along with her.

I've never been invited along

Wagon · 20-01-2009 10:09am

I used to do that constantly. Then the oul pubs we went to closed down

I wouldn't be worrying. Go along with her, I'm pretty sure you'd be welcome.

Wibbs · 20-01-2009 10:12am

Unregistered wrote: »

I've never been invited along

OK the OTT drinkin sessions is one thing and hey whatever floats your boat, but never being invited along would raise red flags with me frankly. Horse of a different colour altogether.

John_Mc · 20-01-2009 10:14am

Unregistered wrote: »

I've never been invited along

Probably because she feels that you wont enjoy it. Personally, I'd go along one night and show her I can party like the best of them

Wagon · 20-01-2009 10:17am

Unregistered wrote: »

I've never been invited along

Oh! Bugger.

Ask her why! That's not right man, I always invited my GFs out to sessions. Even if she wouldn't be up for them, I'd ask anyway.

cantdecide · 20-01-2009 10:23am

John_Mc wrote: »

Probably because she feels that you wont enjoy it. Personally, I'd go along one night and show her I can party like the best of them

You might be making a couple of assumptions there. Maybe the OP isn't a party animal. Regular all night drinking/ partying without inviting your partner sounds very worrying indeed, IMO. However, he can't exactly demand that she stop.

LegacyUser · 20-01-2009 10:24am

John_Mc wrote: »

Probably because she feels that you wont enjoy it. Personally, I'd go along one night and show her I can party like the best of them

The thought crossed my mind actually...thanks

LegacyUser · 20-01-2009 10:38am

Are you sure she has quit the coke and pills?

Going clubbing that then staying up till 9 the next morning would tell me otherwise really.

This could also be why you are not invited along.

LegacyUser · 20-01-2009 10:41am

Unregistered wrote: »

I've never been invited along

OP, that could be because she is still taking cocaine and extacy. It's difficult to quit cold turkey, even if you're not physically addicted. If you're hanging around with the same group of friends and they're all still doing it, it's very hard to say no and just stick to drink. Not that she is definately still taking the substances, but it's possible.

Ask if you can go with her sometimes and gauge her reaction.

Once again this is a case of neither of you being in the wrong, just in disagreement. The only thing you can both aim for is compromise that you're both happy with.

LegacyUser · 20-01-2009 11:01am

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi all,

Have reached a disagreement with my GF and just looking for some opinions.

It's related to partying and drinking. I don't mind and fully support her going out with friends on a night out, going to a pub, then club, etc etc.

However, she prefers going to the club....then going to a lock in, or having friends (plus whoever else tags along) back to her house and stay up drinking till 8.30-9am (sometimes later).

She used to take cocaine and ectasy, but since she started going out with me she has stayed off it.

For example, on Sunday night she went to a club, lock in till 5.30, gang back to her house, and then bed at 8.30. I got a txt at 5.30 to say just leaving pub. No sign of a phone call to say home safely, etc!!

I totally trust and love her. I don't think it's a trust issue - I just don't like the idea of the drinking till 9am. She thinks its possisive and controlling.

Any thoughts?

To be honest, I think that behaviour would drive me insane, was in a similar situation before with a girl and it didn't work out. Promiscuity, etc.

I think you have you to ask yourself do you want to be with someone who has so little respect for herself. Personally, I have no time for women like that.

louisecm · 20-01-2009 11:12am

I used to often have nights like that when I was with my ex, I think I probably would have been annoyed if he had told me he wasn't happy about it.

She's an adult, its up to her how late she stays up/out.

Wagon · 20-01-2009 11:21am

louisecm wrote: »

She's an adult, its up to her how late she stays up/out.

It's not about being old enough to stay up late though. It's more about the way she keeps him completely seperate from that aspect of her life.

cocoa · 20-01-2009 11:25am

Try to consider it openly. Have you been going out with her for very long? Remember though, if you aren't happy with her doing this, then maybe you don't really want to be going out with her, which means maybe you should be going out with someone else? What it definitely doesn't meant is that she should change into someone you do want to be going out with. If it's not a big deal and you can accept it fine (even if that kind of thing's not your own cup of tea) then do just that, accept it and don't comment too much (or negatively) on it. Stuff like 'Did you have a good night?' is fine, 'Do you realise the damage you're doing?' is a big nono.

louisecm · 20-01-2009 11:50am

Wagon wrote: »

It's not about being old enough to stay up late though. It's more about the way she keeps him completely seperate from that aspect of her life.

I disagree, the OP said it wasn't about trust, it was that he didn't like the idea of her drinking til 9am.

Wagon · 20-01-2009 11:52am

louisecm wrote: »

I disagree, the OP said it wasn't about trust, it was that he didn't like the idea of her drinking til 9am.

I know and I'm probably being a bit of a fecker and complicating things

but I'm not completely certain if he's being truthful. I mean, why else would you feel uneasy about her staying out so late?

louisecm · 20-01-2009 11:56am

Wagon wrote: »

I know and I'm probably being a bit of a fecker and complicating things but I'm not completely certain if he's being truthful. I mean, why else would you feel uneasy about her staying out so late?

I understand completely, but am trying to take what he has said as the truth. If he finds the advice to the problem he put forward unhelpful then maybe he will realise there are other issues here!

jellie · 20-01-2009 3:44pm

could be totally wrong but to me it sounds like shes still using drugs.

ive often gone all night with just drinking, but every weekend? i dont know anyone who does this regularly without the help of something extra. also the fact that youre never invited rings alarm bells.

My ex got into that crap. he used to always want me to go see djs with him. i knew he had tried pills a few times, but hed promised me hed stopped. i was quite happy when he stopped harassing me to to djs with him (cant stand the music!), but as it turned out he stopped asking me to go because he could take pills etc when i wasnt there.

MagicMarker · 20-01-2009 3:53pm

I don't know how anyone can stay up drinking until 8.30 in the morning.

I'd definitely be concerned that she hasn't quit the drugs.

Although, imo I'd never be into that kind of thing, nor would I want to be with someone who is. You know how smoking is unattractive? So is drinking into the early hours just because you can.

jessbeth · 20-01-2009 3:54pm

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi all,

Have reached a disagreement with my GF and just looking for some opinions.

It's related to partying and drinking. I don't mind and fully support her going out with friends on a night out, going to a pub, then club, etc etc.

However, she prefers going to the club....then going to a lock in, or having friends (plus whoever else tags along) back to her house and stay up drinking till 8.30-9am (sometimes later).

She used to take cocaine and ectasy, but since she started going out with me she has stayed off it.

For example, on Sunday night she went to a club, lock in till 5.30, gang back to her house, and then bed at 8.30. I got a txt at 5.30 to say just leaving pub. No sign of a phone call to say home safely, etc!!

I totally trust and love her. I don't think it's a trust issue - I just don't like the idea of the drinking till 9am. She thinks its possisive and controlling.

Any thoughts?

Personally I would have no interest in anybody who drinks that much or who is into that scene but that's only my preference and everyone is different. If you're happy that, that's her lifestyle then leave it be, otherwise explain your worries to her. I can understand that she doesn't ask you to go along because if I go on an all girlie night out the guys are not invited but this wouldn't usually a weekly event.

IRISH RAIL · 20-01-2009 5:11pm

are you sure she is getting a lock in in a club ?
I smell a rat here somewhere and its up to you op to find it.
do you ever see her the next day ?
how does she seem?

Snowie · 20-01-2009 5:23pm

Im going to be the pesimist here...

your gf is out on royal bender's till 5.30 in the morning in club lock in's for most of the night while your tucked up in bed.....
Something's wrong here...
You say shes stoped taking pills and coke. yet shes in the enviroment where every 1 in 5 plus shes with manegement bouncer's( who confiscate drugs) bar staff etc...
Serously if your telling me that shes being a good girl then im a duck...

If she's the type of girl i think she is, there selfish self obsorbed take everything for granted and not worth the typing on your keyboard... Ive been in unfortunate events to have meet such girls.... there pretty selfish....

Wibbs · 20-01-2009 5:35pm

Funny I'm of a similar opinion to Snow-Monkey, something smells as fishy as a very fishy smelling thing. Ask to go along with her and gauge her reaction. Take it from there.

Fanny Cradock · 20-01-2009 6:29pm

While acknowledging that she may have such a fondness for the drink that staying up until 8.30 seems like a good idea, it also seems possible if she is staying up to 8.30 it might just be that drugs are keeping her up. Those would have been the times I kept after a fistful of E's!

If this is the case - and it just a possibility - then you have to wonder on what foundation the relationship is built. Firstly, she doesn't feel comfortable enough to reveal this to you. Or maybe you feel quite strongly opposed to drugs. Secondly, if she is taking them then she is lying to you.

chillywilly · 20-01-2009 7:42pm

im kind of repeating what others are saying but it sounds like she is still on the coke/E's. Theres a very slim chance that she can stay up that long without something to keep her going. That would also explain why she doesnt invite you along. If she says she is going out this weekend tell her that it sounds like fun and you'll come along, if she wants to go home at 3/4am its likely that she couldnt stay up because she wasnt doing drugs, cos you were there.

Lollipops23 · 20-01-2009 7:50pm

hmm i wouldn't be happy with my OH doing all that tbh. especially the part where she never invites you along!!it's fine to socialise without your OH but going out till 9am???what exactly is she doing til then?!!

MJOR · 20-01-2009 9:21pm

I'd be wary if she never invites you along... but i suppose maybe she knows its not your thing! how does she keep going that long i'd be dead

Kiera · 20-01-2009 9:28pm

Wibbs wrote: »

OK the OTT drinkin sessions is one thing and hey whatever floats your boat, but never being invited along would raise red flags with me frankly. Horse of a different colour altogether.

This was me a few years ago and the only red flag i can think of is she's back doing drugs and doesnt want you to know about it.

Even if you do invite yourself out with her on one of her benders i can guarantee you she will come home after the club and not go to a party. Only thing to do is ask her out straight if this is what she's at and take it from there.

But remember, she will not come off the coke and pills until she is ready and could very well lie again to you about it. The thing that made me cop on was my ex explaining how i would ruin a whole weekend if i went out on a Friday night, bed at 4pm the next day until the following morning and still be too wrecked to do anything on the Sunday with him. This might work?

LegacyUser · 21-01-2009 2:06am

coke and alc

LegacyUser · 21-01-2009 2:24am

IMHO it looks like she is using.No other reason to be able to stay up & week in week out.

Cocaine and alcohol addiction fit together like hand and glove. The coke gives you the ability to stay awake and keeps the buzz. See what Im saying.

You usually stash in the dime pocket of your jeans .If you were going to check I would check there.

There is no such thing as a slip. Addicts are manipulative and its all planned.To be one you need to be very organised and I recognise my old self.

sillygirl80 · 23-01-2009 7:07pm

Personally, my ex used to do that kind of stuff frequently enough. And I subsequently found out he'd messed around a few times while under the influence. So I stay well clear of those situations/people who indulge since. When you're not there and people are out of it, everything and anything can happen. So a little mistrust of the whole thing would be understandable. Get rid and move on. Or else join in and see what's really going on. If the truth is being told.

Chucky the tree · 23-01-2009 7:31pm

Wibbs wrote: »

OK the OTT drinkin sessions is one thing and hey whatever floats your boat, but never being invited along would raise red flags with me frankly. Horse of a different colour altogether.

I cant really blame her not inviting him along, he sounds like he was just sit there and nag at her and stop her enjoying herself. Especially if all her friends are doing drugs, I'm sure once the party is over he wont help but lecture/look down on her for hanging out with those sort of people. Also OP, why did she stop taking drugs went she went out with you? I'd agree with her view that telling her not to stay up till 9am is very possessive and controlling.

Some of the other replies are pretty off aswell. Age will be a factor but to stay someone cant stay up till 9am drinking without the help of coke of X is comical. I know plenty of people who had drugs who can easily do a session well into the next day let alone 9am. If she is going to bed a 9am there's no chance she's taking E because there's no chance she manage to sleep. Kiera does bring up a valid point though, if her night time antics mean you end up missing out spending time together that cant be made up then I'd have an issue with it aswell.

Unregistered wrote: »

IMHO it looks like she is using.No other reason to be able to stay up & week in week out.

Cocaine and alcohol addiction fit together like hand and glove. The coke gives you the ability to stay awake and keeps the buzz. See what Im saying.

You usually stash in the dime pocket of your jeans .If you were going to check I would check there.

There is no such thing as a slip. Addicts are manipulative and its all planned.To be one you need to be very organised and I recognise my old self.

So she's an addict now? :rolleyes: If she was infact just staying up till 9am drinking when you call her an alcoholic and demand she goes to AA meetings or else?

sillygirl80 wrote: »

Personally, my ex used to do that kind of stuff frequently enough. And I subsequently found out he'd messed around a few times while under the influence. So I stay well clear of those situations/people who indulge since. When you're not there and people are out of it, everything and anything can happen. So a little mistrust of the whole thing would be understandable. Get rid and move on. Or else join in and see what's really going on. If the truth is being told.

Everything and anything? That's very debatable but even still if your ex is the type of person to cheat on drugs he would of done it on drink.

nomorebadtown · 23-01-2009 7:51pm

I only read the original post.

she is 100% definitly still taking drugs.

Me to you · 23-01-2009 9:49pm

The ole weekend benders wouldnt bother me but the fact that you have never been invited along would send some red flags flying. On a strictly boys night out night the oh wouldnt invite me and i wouldnt expect it but they are few and far between, other than that id always get an invite, even if he knew i wasnt up to it, its the polite thing to do. Talk to her about it.

Disagreement with GF

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