Devestated Friend reflecting issues on my relationship

LegacyUser

A friend of mine broke up with her boyfriend of 8 years a month ago. He was hideously cruel, telling her that how he wasn't attracted to her anymore that she has gotten ugly, sleeping with a new girl whilst still living with my friend (putting her out of her own bed!). He's an alcoholic and bipolar, which is a toxic mix. My father has the same issues (with added narcissism for good measure!), so my friend and I have had many talks where I tell her that her experience of a relationship with her ex is not a normal relationship and that this is not how people usually behave in one, and that my fcuked up childhood is what her kids would have if she was to have them with him. But, I still think if he'd take her back she'd go. Anyway, she'll get through it.

My actual concern is that she has been bringing my husband into the conversations asking me if I'm sure about how he feels about me, and telling me that you can never really know. I know that it's because she's looking at it through the eyes of heartache but it's a bit annoying. My husband and I have a very open relationship with one another, we have full knowledge of each other's history, there is absolutely no problem with us.

Because we tell one another everything I know for example that my friend's flatmate used to have a thing for my husband prior to my meeting him (and possibly after), I also know that my husband made a pass at my friend (who was his friend before we met but she's more mine now) 10+ years ago and my friend wasn't interested, and my husband realised that drunk passes are never a good idea. The first of these things was brought up in our most recent conversation and my friend was actually shocked that my husband had told me this. I was actually waiting for the second "revelation" but it didn't come thankfully as I may have gotten annoyed.

My question I suppose is, I really want to help my friend through her terrible breakup, however I have a suspicion that she may regret not going for it with my husband all those years ago now that she's been hurt and sees how good he is to me. I know he wouldn't reciprocate her advances, but I do think if she did go down this path she'd actually make herself worse out of embarrassment and then not be able to talk to us as friends anymore.

I want her to back off basically without hurting her feelings more. She's actually been a good friend to me over the years I'd hate to lose it over something temporary like this.

Karen_*

You're worrying about something that hasn't happened yet and is not likely to happen.

I had a nasty break up last year and I wasn't after everyone elses or even anyone elses bloke. I've some good friends who have the most wonderful husbands and boyfriends and while I might want to meet someone like them I want my own bloke and not theirs. Don't jump the gun OP is what I'm saying because you'll make an issue where there isn't one.

She's been a good friend to you for years and I'll bet this relationship has been bad for years so if she was going to go for your hubby surely she would have by now?

sceptre

OriginalPoster wrote: »

My question I suppose is, I really want to help my friend through her terrible breakup, however I have a suspicion that she may regret not going for it with my husband all those years ago now that she's been hurt and sees how good he is to me.

She probably does regret it. Assuming you've picked up the vibes from her in a correct way, she almost certainly does.

She's just come out of a long-term relationship that ended, by the looks of things, in a really crappy way. When that happens, by default most people tend to enter into a period of "all i want to be is happy". As people get older, when that happens, they often go through a time of "if only".

I could be talking out of my rear here but there are certain specific choices people make in their lives that strongly influence what comes after. We all have them - particular choices that we've made that make everything else different after. Some people have a lot of them, some people don't. I tend to call them pivot points, they're a key feature of creative writing (chances are that there's a proper term for them in either literature or psychology but I don't know what that is). She's going back and identifying those key points that have put her in the position at which she now finds herself. That's always the primary part of moping (and, hey, just because I know that doesn't mean I can actually sort that stuff for myself).

You've got a number of options. You can totally withdraw from being her friend, solves the issues you've got going on with the entire exchange, does nothing for her. You can snap at her and tell her to stop moping over your husband - that's fine but there's the small chance that you've got it wrong, plus she'll withdraw from you and that does nothing for either of you. Then there's the troublesome option - help her deal with her problem and either ignore what she's saying about your relationship or just make it clear that you and your husband are happy together while helping (in whatever big or small way you want to) her to get through this.

That self-indulgent regrets phase she's going through doesn't necessarily mean she's going to make a move on your husband. Breaking up with someone after such a long time can be really crappy (I know, happened ot me) but it's entirely up to you how helpful you want to be. Your job is not to find her a replacement (obviously, you know that), your job is not necessarily to pull out the adage about fish and the sea, at best your job (if you take it) is to make her feel better about herself and give her someone to call when she needs someone. If you need to be blunt about the husband thing, do, but you might not have to.

This might be irrelevant as you didn't actually say how old she is but for a lot of people, when something like that happens after so long, there are a number of things that terrify the hell out of them. They're not as young as they used to be, they may have no idea of how the dating scene works and so on. They don't know how to sell themselves. They've forgotten all that stuff. Personally, I've no idea of how the dating scene (if there is one) works, I'd find it terrifying and as most people who know me actually reckon that I'm quite confident (the fools:)) I can only imagine how frightening it could be for someone who may not have even the veneer of confidence, which often happens after a long-term breaks up. Reassurance is cheap to provide if this is the case,though you'd have to use best judgement on when to actually reassure (too early and it just won't work at all).

CDfm

OriginalPoster wrote: »

My question I suppose is, I really want to help my friend through her terrible breakup, however I have a suspicion that she may regret not going for it with my husband all those years ago now that she's been hurt and sees how good he is to me. I know he wouldn't reciprocate her advances, but I do think if she did go down this path she'd actually make herself worse out of embarrassment and then not be able to talk to us as friends anymore.

I want her to back off basically without hurting her feelings more. She's actually been a good friend to me over the years I'd hate to lose it over something temporary like this.

I know this might sound cruel but the reason you are posting is that you suspect he might just reciprocate.

In the same way that if you put your hand in the fire you might get burnt.So you are suggesting that you take the risk.

The upside is that ypou help herand you get a cwarm glow but the down side is she wrecks your relationship.

The other thing is doctors etc who assist people like your friend are trained to do so while you are not no matter how well intentioned.

Lollipops23

tbh she just sounds bitter.no matter how much she's hurting right now she has no right to start trying to pick holes in your relationship,especially since you're going out of your way to help her through this.i wouldn't say anything unless she carries on saying stuff...also keep an eye on her behaviour around your hubby!

CathyMoran

My gut instinct is that missery loves company and she may also regret not taking your husband up all that time ago as you are obviously so happy...sorry, it does not sound good but if you have a loyal husband (as you do), it will be fine. Maybe one of her other friends could help her now, would hate to see her abandoned but am not sure if you are the best to help her now.

The fact that she brought up that your hubby made a pass at her just rings alarm bells for me.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

I know it's more than me imagining things, we've been friends for 8 years and I know her well. I've decided thanks to the advice on here, to tell her not to be talking like that about my relationship when we're together, I'm not going to get snarky, just kindly and gently ask her to stop. So far all I've done is reassure her that we're in a really good place over and over but she's not taking the hint.

When I think about it I don't think she would act on any thoughts she might be having (unless possibly drunkenly), so I just want her to stop picking holes in my relationship.

In response to sceptre, she's 30, which I suppose doesn't help.

She's coming over tomorrow so I'm sure it will come up, I'll just have to be careful.

Thanks peeps.