Physical attraction - does it grow?

Tuesday_Girl

I recently met a guy and we've been out on a few dates and have spent a lot of time (long dates) talking and getting to know each other. We get on great, have similar backgrounds, work in the same field, share a sense of humour, have the same values and are looking for pretty much the same things in a life partner.

He has been married and has a child and while it is a lot to take onboard, it's not a big issue, certainly not a dealbreaker. The main issue is that while we get on great and have kissed, there is not a huge amount of physical attraction/chemistry/spark from my side while there is on his. So I'm wondering can this still develop and grow as I get to know him more, or should I go with what my current gut instinct tells me which is that I don't physically fancy him all that much?

I dated someone last year with whom I had amazing chemistry and I can't help but think of him when I'm with this guy. However, outside of the physical attraction we did not have much in common whereas this guy doesn't make me want to rip his clothes off but offers much more in other areas that any man I've met before.

Should I stick with it, get to know him some more and see if the attraction grows? Or already concede that without physical attraction the relationship is doomed?

I'd appreciate any replies from users who have been in a similar situation, thanks in advance!

Latchy

Sounds like he is the reserved type OP .Some people are not into the physical side of things for various reasons ,shyness , upbringing ,reserved and while not character defeciancies in themselfs can put the mockers on that physical intimacy you desire.Some people are touchy/ huggy some are not at all, so while he may grow into wanting to be more physical ,your going to have to wait a bit to find out .The problem I see it is you cant sorta change the way he is overnight .He might want to express himself to you more physically but possibly afraid or not sure how to go about it .Bit of a tricky one alright .

Tuesday_Girl

latchyco wrote: »

Sounds like he is the reserved type OP .Some people are not into the physical side of things for various reasons ,shyness , upbringing ,reserved and while not character defeciancies in themselfs can put the mockers on that physical intimacy you desire.Some people are touchy/ huggy some are not at all, so while he may grow into wanting to be more physical ,your going to have to wait a bit to find out .The problem I see it is you cant sorta change the way he is overnight .He might want to express himself to you more physically but possibly afraid or not sure how to go about it .Bit of a tricky one alright .

Well the problem is actually that he feels a strong attraction already and has no problem with showing it, likes to hold hands a lot or just touch me, gets turned on by just being with me. On my side, I don't reciprocate that easily because I'm not feeling the same thing. When we do kiss it's really nice but it takes a while of being together (couple of hours or more) before I feel like I want to do it. With my last bf, as soon as I saw him I wanted to touch and kiss him.

Saruman

latchyco i think she was saying that she does not find him all that attractive. Nothing about him being shy

Attraction does grow from experience, in fact you will find the opposite with people you are instantly attracted to.

If you have a serious physical attraction to someone but thats about it, you will find them less attractive a few years down the road.
On the contrary with someone who is less attractive but everything else is right, that attraction will grow over time.

cantdecide

latchyco wrote: »

Sounds like he is the reserved type OP .Some people are not into the physical side of things for various reasons ,shyness , upbringing ,reserved and while not character defeciancies in themselfs can put the mockers on that physical intimacy you desire.Some people are touchy/ huggy some are not at all, so while he may grow into wanting to be more physical ,your going to have to wait a bit to find out .The problem I see it is you cant sorta change the way he is overnight .He might want to express himself to you more physically but possibly afraid or not sure how to go about it .Bit of a tricky one alright .

Latchyco. Would you consider a quick re-read of the first post??

brianthebard

I was going to say yes when I saw the title, but if ye have already kissed and still don't feel that attracted to him then I wouldn't be so sure that attraction will grow. Why did you kiss him if you aren't attracted to him?

spurious

We all know people who are with partners who could not generally be described as 'lookers'. That said though, there are very few people who could be honestly described as physically repugnant to everyone. Yes, you'll get the adolescent boy/girl expressed 'standards' for people they would date, but in the real adult world there isn't anyone who's completely out of the game.

The more you grow to love him for all the other things, the more you'll love him for how he looks.

Me to you

Do you get butterflies in your stomach when your going to meet him? Do you smile when you get a text out of the blue from him? The guy in with now, i think hes absolutly gorgeous and we get on brilliantly, were like a couple but buddies at the same time. I dunno but by the sounds of it he sounds like he would make a really good male pal for you. Maybe give it a couple of more dates.

Latchy

QUOTE=Saruman;58654532] latchyco i think she was saying that she does not find him all that attractive. Nothing about him being shy

cantdecide wrote: »

Latchyco. Would you consider a quick re-read of the first post??

Just re read ,right ,was just slightly distracted while reading .ooops

Razzle wrote: »

Well the problem is actually that he feels a strong attraction already and has no problem with showing it, likes to hold hands a lot or just touch me, gets turned on by just being with me. On my side, I don't reciprocate that easily because I'm not feeling the same thing. When we do kiss it's really nice but it takes a while of being together (couple of hours or more) before I feel like I want to do it. With my last bf, as soon as I saw him I wanted to touch and kiss him.

Ah right ,sorry for mis reading situation .I think myself it's possible you might feel some physical attraction but thinking about your ex wont help because it's about comparing him with this fellah now .That's not to say you wont become attracted ,in a different manner but do you follow your heart or your head ? That's the dilemma ansd something a lot of people have to decide .We all like people for different reasons .With some it's their looks ,others their personality / kindness and your in the middle it seems .Only you can decide .

Tuesday_Girl

Thanks all for the replies. I think I'm going to stick with it and see how things go, he does know how I feel and also hopes that I'm willing to spend some time together, get to know him some more and maybe feel the attraction growing. He is a good-looking guy and there is nothing about his appearance that I would change, I guess you just can't control your physical reaction to someone. And it's not a total lost cause, I just don't fancy him as much as he does me.

Spurious, you make a good point, one a friend also made to me. There are so many great things about him and if l love all that about him, I may just fall in love with him, let's hope so

latchyco, you're right that I need to get the ex out of my head. I know that a relationship with him would have been a disaster and it's not fair to the new guy to be compared with someone else when he is a far better man than the ex would ever be.

Darkbloom

It's different for everybody, I guess. First time I set eyes on my boyfriend, I was attracted to him. I used to feel happy going to meet him, adore kissing and touching him, and always feel something when our eyes meet. /sap

I'm tempted to say go with your gut.

LegacyUser

when I first met my bf I wasn't really mad about him.Sure he was nice and looked like a decent guy but 'the spark' wasn't there. We went on few dates, we were mailing and chatting each other and I still can't say when it changed into something more on both sides. Anyway 3 yrs later we are still together, madly in love, just got engaged actually.
So it's hard to say how it can end.
I suggest you don't write him off, you still can meet him and let him know better. Don't promise him anything but keep your mind open and who knows what can happen.

Latchy

Razzle wrote: »

latchyco, you're right that I need to get the ex out of my head. I know that a relationship with him would have been a disaster and it's not fair to the new guy to be compared with someone else when he is a far better man than the ex would ever be.

I suppose what's also important to remember is that while physical attributes ( looks) are great ,they are more important to some than others and the beauty of it is that that average looking person will have attributes that outshine any physical _ like yours OP

I wasnt attracted physically to my partner when we first met , not that she's not a looker. But it was how she made me laugh that appealed and she had a kindness and Sincerity that went byond anything . She lit up a room with her personality .The physical and emotional side of it came later .:)

Salome

When I met my partner, I was still getting over a break-up which happened 2 months ago. I didn't feel an immediate attraction to my current man but he was a genuinely lovely, kind, considerate man. I decided to go with it - we're together 18 months now and planning our future. I think you should give it a go to see if your feelings grow - I imagine if everything else is there, it's likely that the rest will follow but if it doesn't, don't waste his time or break his heart.

LegacyUser

I would say give it a couple more dates then decide..see if it's there when you're more relaxed. For me the physical side needs to be there at least after a few dates. I was in a relationship where the attraction was mediocre at the start and then after the honeymoon period of 1-2 years it just fizzled to nothing.
I have been to relationship counselling and the advise by all of them was not to "settle" for someone who you're not attracted to at the start as it usually gets worse as the years go by. Also it's important to know that for many women their sexual peak is after they reach mid thirties....