Is it possible to be great friends with a girl without romantic\sexual feelings?

LegacyUser

logged out for this one. y'see, there's a girl I went to college with - we got on great, we lived together even,and then I went on to do the optional 4th yr while she left. Id consider her one of my all-time best friends. Problem is... I cant stop thinking about her most of the day. We meet once in a while in a group, and things are fine (she has a boyfriend, just to b clear) - but it gets ridiculous sometimes the degree to which I hope beyond hope we go out someday. I actually had to force myself to stop textin her nearly every day. (she never did ignore me,though). I've always suspected there's been a suspicion I fancied her (especially from the bf), but I've never directly implied to her I had feelings for her. Even going as so far as to say, "Hope you never think I fancy you..." (Probably a bad idea). Could have spent New Year's with her even, just me and her - and I bailed. I'm seriously thinking of cutting off communication as much as I can - but I still manage to get an inquiring text off her once a week.

Maybe some things to factor in before advice:
- I've never had a gf
- Me and this girl have been pretty close, I've even heard stuff about her bf - and she's known stuff in my family I've never told anyone.

animaX

I've been in the exact same situation myself. Problem is that she "luvs you" but is not "in love" with you. The usual story. Probably best to cut contact and when someone else comes along you'll forget about her (for example, do you ever think of a girl you were crazy about before you met this girl?)

I think its impossible to truly be friends with someone who you have strong feelings for

cantdecide

If you were feeling dangerous you could tell her that you decided to cut contact for a while because you've developed these feelings.

You sound pretty close but at the end of the day it's a choice. A) you torture yourslf by carrying on your 'close friendship' or torture yourself by coming out with what's on your mnd and probably ending what has become to you a farcical friendship.

Friendships are supposed to work 50/50 and it can't possibly work for you now so personally, I'd go with B because you'd never know what might happen down the road.

Salome

Do you think she might feel the same about you? It's a possibility.....

Sir Humphrey

crazyforher wrote: »

logged out for this one. y'see, there's a girl I went to college with - we got on great, we lived together even, and then I went on to do the optional 4th yr while she left. I'd consider her one of my all-time best friends. Problem is... I cant stop thinking about her most of the day.

You've answered your own question. Generally speaking so-called platonic friendships are not possible, or at least not capable of being maintained over the long run. The whole essence of a successful and worthwhile 'sexual' relationship is that you first of all have a strong affinity on a personal level. Essentially that is what a friendship is all about, and when a male and female form that (platonic) affinity, they are in fact forming the basis of a potential sexual relationship almost unwittingly. If nature intended men and women to be great 'hanging out' buddies rather than mating partners their interests and attitudes would not be so far apart.

In these 'platonic' situations one of the pair will nearly always succumb to the natural urge and their actual innermost feelings will finally manifest themselves. It is the most natural thing in the world that you would be attracted to someone you admire greatly as a person in the first instance. (In fact, in my experience a hell of a lot of girls believe their 'platonic' male friends fancy them and they like that thought)

However, it is scary how so many people regard a really solid friendship as the worst possible basis on which base a relationship, when in reality it should be the primary basis on which a long-term relationship is built. It is remarkable the amount of people who are afraid of jeopardising ephemeral friendships that will almost inevitably wane with the passage of time as life unfolds and people go their seperate ways, instead of trying to grasp its possibilities with both hands.

It seems to me that the only card you can successfully play now is to somehow make her aware of your feelings reasonably discreetly. There are no guarantees that you won't get the standard "I love you but not in that way" line, but at least you'll know where you stand.

mcerc

get with her or get rid of her, some of the best advice i ever got. dont drag the situation out for ages, not worth it. get ur answer. but lets be realistic she has another boyfriend.sorry i know thats very harsh but having been in this situation myself its a disater if u let it fester

LegacyUser

OP here. Thanks so much for all the diverse opinions, I've never directly brought it up with anyone in the group we hang out with - I have in fact, denied it. (I once vaguely brought it up with a friend close to home who knows none of the participants, but didn't get much out of that conversation).

animaX wrote: »

Probably best to cut contact and when someone else comes along you'll forget about her (for example, do you ever think of a girl you were crazy about before you met this girl?)

This is how I see it best. I don't get the phrasing of your question though, I presume you mean has there been others girls I've fancied during the time knowing this girl - the answer being, yes. (But they've gone nowhere so moot point really).

cantdecide wrote: »

B)torture yourself by coming out with what's on your mnd and probably ending what has become to you a farcical friendship.

Oh, very much farcial, (at least in my head).

Salome wrote: »

Do you think she might feel the same about you? It's a possibility.....

Strangely, I rarely consider this. She's been going with this guy a long, long time.

Sir Humphrey wrote: »

Generally speaking so-called platonic friendships are not possible... It seems to me that the only card you can successfully play now is to somehow make her aware of your feelings reasonably discreetly.

Wow, that's an incredibly thoughtful response that has me more appreciative then you'd ever know. I find all the 'just tell her' suggestions curious (I lean toward putting the distance myself), considering it could potentially set off reverberations in the group we have, particularly with her boyfriend - and resulting in him bitching about me to the other lads. He and I get on, but I don't feel tremendous liking between us - in fact, once, he was giving out to me about a guy who liked his girlfriend that we all know, and made it clear, he's not too fond of this chap despite all appearances when we're hanging out. Curious, no?

And it would come off as odd having made it clear to others I don't like her in the sense, and especially her. (I remember a conversation we even had once, where she said she finds it ridiculous all these guys she has had as friends turning around and saying they liked her at some point)! Otherwise, I love how you've summed up platonic relationships between girls and guys, it's definitely very true in my case, (or "my half" of it).

mcerc wrote: »

get with her or get rid of her, some of the best advice i ever got. dont drag the situation out for ages, not worth it. get ur answer. but lets be realistic she has another boyfriend...

I am being realistic I think, hence, never acting on it all this time. See above as to the thoughts on the bf.

Salome

Do you think the BF was subtlely warning you off by mentioning the "other guy"?

Maybe you're too close to the girl for his liking....

Jack B. Badd

Sir Humphrey wrote: »

If nature intended men and women to be great 'hanging out' buddies rather than mating partners their interests and attitudes would not be so far apart.

This made me laugh out loud since the interests and attitudes of both myself and my "mating partner" are pretty much convergent! The same applies to a lot of the platonic relationships I have with my male friends.
So, I would say yes to your thread title, it is possible to be great friends with a girl (or guy) without romantic or sexual feelings.

However, OP, I don't believe this applies to your relationship with this girl. You're obviously hung up on her and that's going to affect your relationship with her. Just because it's possible to be friends with a girl without romantic/sexual feelings doesn't mean it's going to happen in this case and it may not be in your best interests to push for it.

LegacyUser

Salome wrote: »

Do you think the BF was subtlely warning you off by mentioning the "other guy"?

Maybe you're too close to the girl for his liking....

I'm not bothered if he is. Only natural for lads to get suspicious, see it with all my friends. (Not at me, mind). I sort of confused the telling of that story as it was convoluted - it was she who told me all that, as in, the bf's feelings towards this guy. Interesting.

NoQuarter

What were the circumstances of you having to deny that you like her??

If one of her mates asked you if you liked her there may have been more to it, have you thought about that???

LegacyUser

Jack B. Badd wrote: »

However, OP, I don't believe this applies to your relationship with this girl. You're obviously hung up on her and that's going to affect your relationship with her. Just because it's possible to be friends with a girl without romantic/sexual feelings doesn't mean it's going to happen in this case and it may not be in your best interests to push for it.

True. The question of the thread is a bit ridiculous. I've three female friends I think of off-hand where there's nothing there, and am gladly just mates with them. Thanks for the thoughts.

LegacyUser

BTW, that was me, the OP in that last post.

king-stew wrote: »

What were the circumstances of you having to deny that you like her??

If one of her mates asked you if you liked her there may have been more to it, have you thought about that???

To the first question, was a half-drunken conversation about fancying people you lived with that I'm sure she doesn't remember where she just flat out asked me, "Are you sure you don't?".

I've no thoughts really on the second, it's never happened.

Sir Humphrey

Jack B. Badd wrote: »

This made me laugh out loud since the interests and attitudes of both myself and my "mating partner" are pretty much convergent! The same applies to a lot of the platonic relationships I have with my male friends.
So, I would say yes to your thread title, it is possible to be great friends with a girl (or guy) without romantic or sexual feelings.

If you had read my opening paragraph more carefully you'd have found the word 'generally' in there which is fundamental to the opinion expressed and might have stifled your laughter somewhat had you noted it.

It is, of course, a convention of all discussion boards that when you make a general prognosis on something based on your own experience of life that one of the next three or four people to reply will have personal experience of the precise opposite and will feel that their generalisation, largely because it is theirs, is worth far more than yours.

Húrin

crazyforher wrote: »

Is it possible to be great friends with a girl without romantic\sexual feelings?

Yes it certainly is. However you have a different situation. I'm no expert but would advise going out with someone else. If you really like them she will matter less. It was good that you were not alone with her on New Years' eve. Either a damaged friendship (from you making a move and she rejecting) or an episode of cheating (from you making a move and she accepting) would both be wrong.

Elessar

I am in a similar situation.

But my advise is as follows:

Never date/make a move on someone you work with closely. Even if it's just a group of close friends. If it goes pear shaped, it will likely ruin everything you have and the ability to enjoy that work group/friend group.

Also she has a boyfriend, move on.

Snowie

op when you feel lonely do ou think of her ?
Often when ive had a crush on a friend, I lady I know I feel very, lonly, and its the lonlyness that pulls me towards some lady who is a friend..

crazyforher wrote: »

Wow, that's an incredibly thoughtful response that has me more appreciative then you'd ever know. I find all the 'just tell her' suggestions curious (I lean toward putting the distance myself), considering it could potentially set off reverberations in the group we have, particularly with her boyfriend - and resulting in him bitching about me to the other lads. He and I get on, but I don't feel tremendous liking between us - in fact, once, he was giving out to me about a guy who liked his girlfriend that we all know, and made it clear, he's not too fond of this chap despite all appearances when we're hanging out. Curious, no?

I would'nt bring it up and I would'nt cut all contact because she will come to question it and put you in a position.... Which you dont want to be in she sounds quite confident and would probably air it if you dissapear......

Another thing would be to welcome the feelings that you have for this girl and understand them and move on from the moment, thinking about it and trying to ignore it would only make the feelings stronger.....

estar

you should stay in touch but only once a week

you will meet someone else and then be able to return to the friendship

and its good to have friends that know you very well and like you a lot as a person

if it was going to happen it would probably have happened by now

in answer to your question, yes it is. but usually only if nothing has gone on

romantically.

towel401

the friend zone is a terrible thing

Darkbloom

xkcd said it better than I ever could.
http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/friends.png

Húrin

towel401 wrote: »

the friend zone is a terrible thing

and since women are programmed by evolution to be manipulative, greedy *****s they are probably getting some sort of a buzz out of watching want what you can't have.

Darkbloom wrote: »

xkcd said it better than I ever could.
http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/friends.png

I don't think the OP is in that situation. Sounds like they were friends first and then his attraction developed later.

Darkbloom

Húrin wrote: »

I don't think the OP is in that situation. Sounds like they were friends first and then his attraction developed later.

He's hanging around hoping against hope that she'll dump the boyfriend and go out with him, this boyfriend in question seems to know what he's up to...yes, it seems that way to me. You don't hang around people not interested in you. It's creepy.

maxwell smart

I was in a similar position once....I never had the courage to say anything to the girl in question and regretted it. Shes now married and I see her sometimes in the club we are members of. Always feels wierd.

If your going to cut communication with her then tell her how you feel. You only get one life.

towel401

Darkbloom wrote: »

He's hanging around hoping against hope that she'll dump the boyfriend and go out with him, this boyfriend in question seems to know what he's up to...yes, it seems that way to me. You don't hang around people not interested in you. It's creepy.

everything is creepy these days. the bar has been lowered an awful lot but thats beside the point. i remember days when you actually had to stalk someone to be accused of it.

even if the she dumps the f*cker tomorrow the relationship that follows being in the friend zone won't be much good. better to go away for a while, travel the world, change yourself a bit and come back.

LegacyUser

Húrin wrote: »

Either a damaged friendship (from you making a move and she rejecting) or an episode of cheating (from you making a move and she accepting) would both be wrong.

True, but chiefly I just didn't want to be beating myself up after nothing happened, and making myself feel like **** for nothing - which I think would have been the most likely scenario. Great points, mind.

Elessar wrote: »

Iever date/make a move on someone you work with closely. Even if it's just a group of close friends. If it goes pear shaped, it will likely ruin everything you have and the ability to enjoy that work group/friend group.

Exactly.

Snow-Monkey wrote: »

op when you feel lonely do ou think of her ?
Often when ive had a crush on a friend, I lady I know I feel very, lonly, and its the lonlyness that pulls me towards some lady who is a friend...

True for me on all counts. Fine observation.

Snow-Monkey wrote: »

I would'nt bring it up and I would'nt cut all contact because she will come to question it and put you in a position.... Which you dont want to be in she sounds quite confident and would probably air it if you dissapear......

Another thing would be to welcome the feelings that you have for this girl and understand them and move on from the moment, thinking about it and trying to ignore it would only make the feelings stronger.....

The suggestions of common sense just get better and better. Seems like the best way to go about it.

estar wrote: »

you should stay in touch but only once a week

you will meet someone else and then be able to return to the friendship

and its good to have friends that know you very well and like you a lot as a person

if it was going to happen it would probably have happened by now

in answer to your question, yes it is. but usually only if nothing has gone on

romantically.

Maybe not even once a week, but thanks - there is no good reason to completely cut the friendship off.

Darkbloom wrote: »

He's hanging around hoping against hope that she'll dump the boyfriend and go out with him, this boyfriend in question seems to know what he's up to...yes, it seems that way to me. You don't hang around people not interested in you. It's creepy.

YIKES! The 'creepy' tag is such a tremendous, illogical leap when you don't know the people involved. If it means anything to back up this observation, haven't physically seen this person in a few weeks.

BraziliaNZ

this comes up so often here. It seems there are tonnes of blokes out there in love with their female friends, never seems to be the other way around much though does it? I only have one close friend who's a girl and we even snogged each other once or twice, although i'll never let it happen again. All the other girls I'm friendly with, well I'd never spend that much time alone with them, it's just a bit awkward sometimes, especially if they have boyfriends. It's different when you get older too, not as common.

Amazotheamazing

The OP is asking the wrong question since he already has romantic/sexual feelings for the girl.

The real issue is whether you can be friends with someone you fancy?

Imo, you can, but it has the potential to stunt any other relationships you might develop. You'll never be with the girl in question, but you will probably dismiss a lot of good partners for simply not being her.

What's worse is no-one will compare to her, because you don't have a real relationship with her so you don't really have to address and accept her faults as you would have to in a real relationship. You have the luxury of imagining her to be perfect so any other girl will fall short by comparison.

Were I in your position, I'd try and stay friendly but gradually phase her out of my life. It's not easy, but you have to start moving on and that can't be done while you want to get with her.

You point out she's in a long term relationship, to get with you she'd have to both break up with him and figure you were a much better bet to get with. If she did feel that way she'd have done it already.

cantdecide

Amazotheamazing wrote: »

Imo, you can, but it has the potential to stunt any other relationships you might develop. You'll never be with the girl in question, but you will probably dismiss a lot of good partners for simply not being her

-Yes it's possible, IMO

Amazotheamazing wrote: »

Were I in your position, I'd try and stay friendly but gradually phase her out of my life. It's not easy, but you have to start moving on and that can't be done while you want to get with her

-That's pretty drastic. IMO, the OP is doing a productive, realistic and healthy thing already by putting some distance between them. You may be assuming that his feelings will never change and I don't think this is necessarily the case. If his friend never leaves her BF but the OP finds someone special, there's no reason why they can't resume there close friendship which I'm sure the OP would prefer.

In a nutshell, the OP needs to continue to be rational but personally, I'd come clean. I'm a bit soppy but if I got hit by a bus tomorrow, I'd like those dear to me to know how I felt about them but that's a judgement call. He already knows that their friendship is effectively on-hold for the moment.

LegacyUser

I was recenlty in a situation like this with a friend; same story, hung around, together, drank together, movies...all that jazz.

I told her how I felt but she wasn't ready: lets stay friends, feelings for ex, etc.

I felt bad cause of looking like an eejit & cause I thought I ruined the friendship...honestly when I see her with other guys, I do feel terrible...but like the others on the thread have said just got to move on

I'd advise try minimise contact: It sounds harsh but if you have only eyes for a girl who you know you probably won't get (in your case having a BF) then you'll miss maybe the right one.

Good luck with it!

Max Power1

Unregistered wrote: »

True. The question of the thread is a bit ridiculous. I've three female friends I think of off-hand where there's nothing there, and am gladly just mates with them. Thanks for the thoughts.

Couldnt agree more, its the fact that the OP says he has feelings for this girl. My best friend is female, nothing will ever happen as neither of us fancy each other. IMO the OP is torturing himself by spending time with his friend and seeing her with another guy. Best to distance yourself from this...

the friend zone is a terrible thing

couldnt agree more with you there!!

Wibbs

I have women friends. Close women friends and we dont fancy each other. If outa the blue I found myself fancying one of them? Honestly I would back off and distance myself or even cut them off entirely. It would not be emotionally healthy for me(or her), so that would be that. If people are not adding to my life, then I subtract them from my life.

BraziliaNZ wrote:

this comes up so often here. It seems there are tonnes of blokes out there in love with their female friends, never seems to be the other way around much though does it?

It happens but not nearly as much. I think down to the different "tactics" men and women use as far as romantic/sexual relationships go.

Sir Humphrey wrote: »

You've answered your own question. Generally speaking so-called platonic friendships are not possible, or at least not capable of being maintained over the long run. The whole essence of a successful and worthwhile 'sexual' relationship is that you first of all have a strong affinity on a personal level. Essentially that is what a friendship is all about, and when a male and female form that (platonic) affinity, they are in fact forming the basis of a potential sexual relationship almost unwittingly. If nature intended men and women to be great 'hanging out' buddies rather than mating partners their interests and attitudes would not be so far apart

I would partly agree with a lot of this, but would slightly disagree with the bit I bolded. IMHO personal affinity is not the issue, sexual affinity is and it comes before the personal. How many women have you seen making the sweatys with some knucklehead whom they have little connection with, while their "Perfect for them" sensitive male mate is sitting home nursing an unemployed willy? Extreme example but common enough. If the woman doesn't feel sexual affinity towards a guy it's game over. Now many will say "it's not about sex", but it is. It can be dressed up in flowery romantic terms but it boils down to sexual attraction. That's what makes a man or woman say to themselves "hmmm I could go out with him/her".

IMHO I think we see more and more of this nowadays for social cultural reasons. More and more men and women are engaging with each other daily on an non familial/romantic basis. Even living together in a non sexual/romantic way. Not so long ago it was quite different. The sexes were more separate socially and came together mostly as family or as lovers. Men and women being "just friends" is a relatively recent thing. It's kinda a time of transition. Add in that quite a few younger men are unsure about themselves and their place in such an environment and you have a problem.

Now this is my humble and a generalisation, so take it with a pinch of salt if you will, but I would say women have a built in insecurity detector and filter that runs very deep. I would say that for a woman to be sexually attracted to a guy above and beyond the physical, she must respect him(for want of a better word). Obvious insecurity is one sure way of reducing that respect and attraction. Putting her on a pedestal is another way of losing that respect. It tells her that he's not as attractive as a man who has other options. It also tells her that he's dishonest in some way. She knows he likes her, but he doesn't show or tell her that, but continues to be her "friend", hoping for more. She would be right too.

I would also reckon that in 90% of cases like this the woman well knows the guy "friend" is into her. Women are generally much better at spotting mens signals. If nothing else because of long standing practice. The most average looking woman has been flirted with or hit on by more guys, by the time she's 20 than most men have been in their lifetime. So they know what you want as you walk towards them. Like men, when they meet someone new consciously or subconsciously they feel, yes or no. Do I like him "in that way" or not.

Both are triggered by the physical, but women are more complex(or subtly different to men) and have more of the emotional/personality thing going on. If a guy meets someone that he thinks physically gorgeous, she'll want to be a serious headbanger to change his mind about taking a chance. The "spark" he feels is more obvious. Women are turned off much faster if they sniff a personality trait they personally don't like. Social and sexual insecurity for the most part is one of the universal biggies that turn women off IME.

The other problem is an obvious one. Among the best wisdom I have learned so far is not to think someone else thinks like you about something. That's a very common one. In a lot of situations, not just romantic. As I said, I reckon in general men and women have different approaches to the mating game. Far too many men act towards someone they fancy the waythey think would work on them. The "if a woman acted like this towards me, I would fancy her". I think that's a mistake. Women do it too. The classic one is too subtle signals. Women are more subtle with their sexual signals for the most part. Men aren't, so a woman being subtle assumes a guy will spot this. After all she would. How many women do you know who will complain "I was giving him signals all night and yet he did nothing. He clearly doesn't fancy me". The problem is a lot of guys would require the services of the Hubble telescope to spot her signals.

So guy meets girl. They become friends. If she had thought him sexually attractive she would have been more obvious at the start. The more he acts like her friend, in most cases, the more she sees him as a non sexual being. Lets say he then develops sexual feelings for her. She spots this early. Now she's in a bind. All of us like to be fancied, so that's an ego boost for her. But she also likes him as a mate so she doesn't want to lose that. If he's backward about coming forward, then he further loses attraction in her eyes. Its not deliberate as such, it's just how she feels. She may even say to her mates, "he's perfect, a lovely guy, not bad looking, but I just don't feel that spark". Result? Guy in friendzone with little or no chance of getting out of same.

Only chance for friendzone guy? It's a slim one, but getting emotional and social distance from the object of his affection. She gets a break from him. He comes back a year later and doesn't engage her like a friend. Flirts with her in a confident, less insecure way. She sees him in a different light and her emotional connection to him may translate into a romantic feeling. I've seen this one in action. Man and woman are just mates. They don't see each other for years. Guy comes back into woman's life and suddenly she sees him in a different light. I've seen and heard that one a lot. It has to natural and not forced though so as a tactic it's useless.

As far as the OP, I would say you have few choices. Do nothing and continue to stew in your own juices and lose out on meeting other better women for you. Tell her and risk rocking the boat. I would go for that one myself. Yes it's a risk, but emotional risk taking is a good way for a guy to grow emotionally IMHO. She'll likely reject you as has another guy, but she'll respect you more. And that action will build your own self respect and you won't be as likely to repeat this behaviour with another woman.

The thing is women are attracted to men. Part of that attraction and what makes a man a man in my humble is emotional strength, emotional consistency and acting when he wants to and when he sees something he wants in his life.

My 2 cents anyway (awaits the flames:D)

cantdecide

Wibbs wrote: »

My 2 cents anyway

Phew, I think I need a lie down.

I'd say bang on in 80%-90% of cases.

Darkbloom

So guy meets girl. They become friends. If she had thought him sexually attractive she would have been more obvious at the start. The more he acts like her friend, in most cases, the more she sees him as a non sexual being. Lets say he then develops sexual feelings for her. She spots this early. Now she's in a bind. All of us like to be fancied, so that's an ego boost for her. But she also likes him as a mate so she doesn't want to lose that. If he's backward about coming forward, then he further loses attraction in her eyes. Its not deliberate as such, it's just how she feels. She may even say to her mates, "he's perfect, a lovely guy, not bad looking, but I just don't feel that spark". Result? Guy in friendzone with little or no chance of getting out of same.

If someone tells you they're your friend, you're not in the wrong for taking them at their word. If they hang around mooning after you and not actually stepping up to say how they feel, they have only themselves to blame.

Wibbs

Darkbloom wrote: »

If someone tells you they're your friend, you're not in the wrong for taking them at their word. If they hang around mooning after you and not actually stepping up to say how they feel, they have only themselves to blame.

I agree. You only stray into wrong territory when you know they're mooning after you, yet want to keep them in your life for selfish reasons.

Darkbloom

Wibbs wrote: »

I agree. You only stray into wrong territory when you know they're mooning after you, yet want to keep them in your life for selfish reasons.

...like them actually being a friend?!

cantdecide

Darkbloom wrote: »

...like them actually being a friend?!

No one's obligated to stay friends with other people. The goal posts undoutedly shift when other feelings come into play...

Wibbs

Yes. Maybe it's down to ones definition of friendship, but if I discovered one of my female friends was into me and was mooning over me to the extent that it was affecting her emotionally and lessening her chances of finding emotional growth and love elsewhere, then yea I would distance myself from her. I would probably tell her directly that I wasn't interested, but that would depend.

Why? because the dynamic has changed. The friendship is no longer equal. For example would I trust her advice or help knowing it was based on unrequited feelings for me?

Thats' by the by though, the most important aspect of this and the one many miss, is if this happens, it's no longer all about me or what I want(the friendship), it's about what is emotionally healthy for the person I claim to love as a friend and what's good for them. For all the reasons above too much a continued presence in their life is not healthy. I would wait until such times as they transfer those emotions to someone who can return them if I can't. to do otherwise is unhealthy and hardly describes friendship.

Of course this can be hard concept for some as many are far more self centered than they think.

Darkbloom

Yes. Maybe it's down to ones definition of friendship, but if I discovered one of my female friends was into me and was mooning over me to the extent that it was affecting her emotionally and lessening her chances of finding emotional growth and love elsewhere, then yea I would distance myself from her. I would probably tell her directly that I wasn't interested, but that would depend.

I agree. However, if you're unaware of a friend's feelings, that's the scenario I meant.

It should also be said that certain types - male and female - think that by doing anything for a person shows how devoted they are and take that as good as an admission of 'love'. I was friends with a chancer some years ago who thought because he occasionally listened to me talk about my awful housemates and nonsense like that, that he was entitled to something more than my friendship. Bit of a nasty shock to come out of the blue, that.

Snowie

crazyforher wrote: »

True for me on all counts. Fine observation.


The suggestions of common sense just get better and better. Seems like the best way to go about it.

.

its not an observation what you think your the first guy to fall head over heals for a girl whos a friend ?
Dude Ive not gone through it so i know how you feel....Also you think about her more whemn you lonely is because you want something just like that which could mean your not really attracted to her completely but attracted to her life and the way it is....

what I would say is because maybe you see her a lot you confuse your want for attraction to a lady friend my best advice in the world is go out and meet some new women.... like stya friends with her but meet new women itle be the best thing you can do....:)

If im aloud to set op goals i would set you the goal of2 new women all you gotta do is text them not for a reletionship anything like that but to see what happens not in that way but if you do it you'le see what i mean ....

and then you gotta come back and tell us all how it went....

Me to you

Sounds like torture pal... Would you consider telling her that you have developed feeling for her and you respect the fact that she has a boyfriend and you dont want to jeopradise that relationship so you need some distance... She how she reacts.. could be a possibility that she may have feeling ofr you too, but you wont know until you tell her and then ye distance yerselves. See do ye both miss eachothers company!! Good luck pal!

LegacyUser

OP here. You all can't imagine how much I appreciate the honest, thoughtful responses. The fact of the matter is for 2 - 3 weeks going now I've managed to put my distance to a satisfactory degree. Hearing such affirmation that that is the right thing to do makes me feel more content and happy like you wouldn't believe. I think "just tell her" is an interesting notion too, I've been in that position a few times with different girls, and I would agree it makes one feel more confident even if it goes nowhere. I just think there's more at stake here generally in this case to allow that - I mean specially group interaction, and how I particularly get on with everyone else. Plus, it will look odd having barely talked with her as much as possible lately to suddenly come out with, "Oh-and-BTW-I-fancy-you!" lol Still I appreciate all your replies, and now I'll more directly respond to them.

Amazotheamazing wrote: »

Were I in your position, I'd try and stay friendly but gradually phase her out of my life. It's not easy, but you have to start moving on and that can't be done while you want to get with her.

You point out she's in a long term relationship, to get with you she'd have to both break up with him and figure you were a much better bet to get with. If she did feel that way she'd have done it already.

Great post. You hit everything right on the head where I ideally would like to stand, really. (As hard as it might be to completely phase a close friend out of my life).

cantdecide wrote: »

That's pretty drastic. IMO, the OP is doing a productive, realistic and healthy thing already by putting some distance between them. You may be assuming that his feelings will never change and I don't think this is necessarily the case. If his friend never leaves her BF but the OP finds someone special, there's no reason why they can't resume there close friendship which I'm sure the OP would prefer.

In a nutshell, the OP needs to continue to be rational but personally, I'd come clean. I'm a bit soppy but if I got hit by a bus tomorrow, I'd like those dear to me to know how I felt about them but that's a judgement call. He already knows that their friendship is effectively on-hold for the moment.

lol I know it feels to be playing to the more 'soppy' part of yourself. Of course, should I shuffle off this mortal coil you'd like to make the person at least aware at some point. Otherwise, you're right though, there's no reason I can't find someone else and feelings will change. (Particularly at the point the feelings have gotten stronger, I did think I met someone else - as disastrous as that went, but not really a story worth discussing there).

Unregistered wrote: »

I'd advise try minimise contact: It sounds harsh but if you have only eyes for a girl who you know you probably won't get (in your case having a BF) then you'll miss maybe the right one.

Exactly my fear.

Max Power1 wrote: »

Couldnt agree more, its the fact that the OP says he has feelings for this girl. My best friend is female, nothing will ever happen as neither of us fancy each other. IMO the OP is torturing himself by spending time with his friend and seeing her with another guy. Best to distance yourself from this...

That was the OP there saying he's three female friends, I forgot to put my name in. lol

Wibbs wrote: »

I have women friends. Close women friends and we dont fancy each other. If outa the blue I found myself fancying one of them? Honestly I would back off and distance myself or even cut them off entirely...

lol Wow, think I need a lie down myself! You certainly make a great case for both sides of the argument. I, too, have seen the scenario of "guy friend comes back sometime later and both hit it off" - often much to my confusion. You give a strong case.

And then from that...

Me to you wrote: »

Sounds like torture pal... Would you consider telling her that you have developed feeling for her and you respect the fact that she has a boyfriend and you dont want to jeopradise that relationship so you need some distance... She how she reacts.. could be a possibility that she may have feeling ofr you too, but you wont know until you tell her and then ye distance yerselves. See do ye both miss eachothers company!! Good luck pal!

Just a perfect, brief summing up of a path to take.

Anyhow, great thoughts all, I definitely hope to give you all updates down the line...

Húrin

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

this comes up so often here. It seems there are tonnes of blokes out there in love with their female friends, never seems to be the other way around much though does it? I only have one close friend who's a girl and we even snogged each other once or twice, although i'll never let it happen again. All the other girls I'm friendly with, well I'd never spend that much time alone with them, it's just a bit awkward sometimes, especially if they have boyfriends. It's different when you get older too, not as common.

Women are more pessimistic, so they give up more easily.

banshee_bones

animaX wrote: »

I think its impossible to truly be friends with someone who you have strong feelings for

+1

sadly enough its true