Unhappy hubby

LegacyUser

My husbands dad died last year. Since then he has been looking back on his life and is disappointed with where his life is at. He was talking about regrets recently and mentioned a relationship he had years ago(20 yrs ago). It lasted a few months and the girl was based in another town but he regrets not taking a risk and moving to where the girl was and making a go of it with her. He hates his job and wishes life was easier and I think he reckons life would be rosy if he had taken another path. In the 10 years i've known him he's never mentioned this relationship and now all of a sudden it's the lost key to his happiness.
We have a good life. We don't have loads of money but it doesn't bother me.As I said hubby hates his job but feels trapped in it because responsibilities (house, kids & wife). He doesn't have any job security and feels under pressure all the time. It's not just his job but his career so changing jobs won't really help and in the current economic climate isn't an option. He has always been prone to dark moods but these days he's down all the time. I've begged him to get counselling but he fobs it off, the mood goes up but inevitably goes down again.
I feel really hurt that he has this notion that the other relationship would have changed his life and would have made him happy. What does that say about our life and our relationship?

Oryx

Your life and relationship is the same as it always was. Your husband however, is what has changed. Perhaps it was the bereavement, perhaps a combination of things, but it sounds like he has dipped into a depression and his looking back to other times and other people is just a symptom of that. He is trying to find a cause or solution to his problems as he sees them. He has picked on this golden memory not because it is in anyway real, but because of how he feels right now. Which Id imagine is trapped, lost and pretty low.

I want to emphasise though that NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT, and try not to take it personally. He is not thinking with a clear head right now. Unfortunatly sometimes people with depression reject help. He may feel emotionally detatched, he may think hes coping, he may think noone can help. At the very least see if you can get him to the doctor, it may be a start.

St Bill

What he's saying doesn't necessarily say anything about your life as a couple or the relationship. It's saying a lot about him however, maybe as you say the stress of work is becoming too much, coupled with his dad's death.
Whatever your husband is going through however, you have to make it clear that him implying that he's missed out is not fair on you. No matter how down he's feeling, he should make the effort to not take it out on the one person who's always been there for him i.e. you.
Talking to him about this might open up a channel of communication...it mightn't be pretty, but at least it'll get him talking.

CDfm

Cook him a nice dinner and plan a weekend or holiday without the kids.

Really -he sounds a bit depressed so he should probably go to your GP and get some help. Like you say its not normal for him to be like this.

What he is saying is a bit odd and a bit confused. Stuff his Dad influenced him on probably.

Dont be hurt - it sounds like he needs help and reassurance - and if a little is outside help he should get it. There is nothing uncool about it:cool:

Altar_Ego_Boy

Im sorry for your situation OP but your husband is depressed for sure.

Its been a year since he suffered bereavement and, in my own experience, this would be the time when the depression would be most intense.

Its natural in his current state to focus on the negative side of everything in life (sadly that includes family life). As hurtful as the implications about his other relationship are, eventually he will recover from his depression and I think he will appreciate you again.

Your husband really should talk to a GP if he is depressed but its important that those around him understand his state of mind in these dark days

LegacyUser

Stand by him and do the best you can for the poor lad as ya promised in front of god, but make sure he's loving ya back. No one minds puttin up with a good bit of hastle if your know he/she really loves ya.

LegacyUser

Well, I had a chat with him and he assures me he loves me and our kids but sees the chance in the past as a way of how things could have been different work and wealth wise. He was so sorry about making me feel bad and was very loving.

Thing is he had to work all weekend to try to make something operate at work and was under pressure which of course makes for sh***e mood. I really feel for him because he's always under pressure at work and never gets any down time. I've booked a weekend away in a few months when the pressure will hopefully be off. I have to say I hate his job too (but am mightly glad he has one).

I've brought up him talking to a therapist but he said that it's his job that's bringing him down and unless he radically changes his career(unlikely) then therapy is useless. I'm not convinced.
Thanks for the advice folks.

Persiancowboy

My own father's sudden death a couple of years back also caused me to reflect a lot on my own life. I put that down to the fact that his death shook a lot of the complacency that I, as a relatively young person in good health, had. Suddenly I felt a lot more vulnerable and began asking myself questions like "if i was to suddenly die, what have I done/achieved in my life?

Therefore your husband's tendency to look back might not be all that unusual.

What is clear however, is that he is suffering from some type of depression. Whether this is entirely as a result of his bereavement or that his father's death merely surfaced a more long-term underlying issue is for a medical professional to establish.

Like people who suffer from alcohol or other types of dependency problems, getting someone with depression to actually acknowledge they have a problem is often the biggest and most difficult hurdle to overcome.

If you cannot persuade him yourself that he needs help, have you considered seeking the assistance of his wider family such as brothers or sisters? Is there a chance he would be more likely to listen to them?

This is a very difficult situation for you to try deal with alone so the only little advice I can offer is that you talk to someone he trusts - family or friend - to see if they can get him to see that he needs counselling/assistance.

Das Kitty

Your husband could be trying to pick an argument with you. The loss of a parent (or anyone but in particular a parent) can leave you completely numb, and sometimes a person will go to extreme measures to feel again.

No matter how depressed you are you know what's going to upset someone. You can't expect to say to your loving wife that you wished you were with someone else and not expect her to feel hurt.

I think you should express to him how hurt you feel by what he is saying (obviously a shouting match is not ideal), but he needs to be told, going softly softly with him due to his bereavement is all well and good but he's overstepped the mark here.

The issue is not with this other woman it's in himself. If he had loved that woman enough at the time he would have moved, without doubt.

And +1 to all the suggestions of counseling.

CDfm

Glad to see hubby on the mend.

It does seem reflective of him.

The work thing I dig - I changed jobs with a life change -ending back in something similar to what I left -cos I was good at it. Innitforthemoney LOL:D

JUst say he is thinking of the stuff his Dad never got to do or thinking of the responsibilties he has- but life brought him down to earth.

He makes money at his job and as I used to tell my kids "to buy sweeties" - and thats the motivation. Great he is working.

Some people get thru life with no counseling -fcek -so if its a temperorary blip see how it goes.

Wagon

Get him to a GP. Someone in my family put it off for years and things just got worse and worse. Get this thing sorted now, sounds like a mid life crisis and the death of a parent can't be helping matters.