Ended so quickly

LegacyUser

Hi I posted recently about a prob I was having with my bf:

http://boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055454011

We sorted things and had viewed an apartment that we both loved and were getting the deposit together. We were both so enthusiastic about it.

On Tues night, we had a stupid little argument and my bf just said "this isn't working" I got my stuff together and drove home that night. I don't know where this came from. I can't really accept it because a few months ago the same thing happened and in a couple of days he told me he was so sorry that he didn't mean it.

I went back up to Dublin yest to collect more stuff that I'd forgotten. I had to collect key from him at work. I got really upset. He kept saying "sorry but I'll only keep doing this to you, its not fair on you, I still love you" etc He told me he'd always love me. He was my best friend. He was always the 1st person Id call wit good news/prob and I was the same for him. I know he loves me. he told me he's going back to England and that he's getting transferred there.

I rang him this morn and I asked him if I could collect him from work and we could talk on our own. He agreed so that's what we're going to do.

I really want to make him see that this is a mistake. It's like he feels that he has to follow through this time to avoid hurting me again. I think if we really talk then we could work out what the real problem is and if he still wants to go then so be it.

When I think that I won't see him again after tonight I can't breathe. He was such a part of my life and now I won't know what to do. I can hardly see the keeyboard because Im crying
so much. I'm prob fooling myself to think I can change his mind but I hae to try. I haven't even told my parents yet because if he does decide he wants me I don't want them to think badly of him. Sorry for going on about it. I just need a bit of perspective. When I posted here last I got a lot of help. Thanks

Katgurl

i'm sorry you feel so sad but it sounds like he has his mind made up and you are just going to have to accept that. You can't force someone to be with you. You will have to let him go.

I know you feel now like you'll never get over him but you will. Be nice to yourself. I've been where you are and I know its a cliche but time really is a great healer.

Wibbs

Unregistered wrote: »

I really want to make him see that this is a mistake.

The problem is unfortunately you can't. He has to see if it's a mistake or not.

It's like he feels that he has to follow through this time to avoid hurting me again. I think if we really talk then we could work out what the real problem is and if he still wants to go then so be it.

Maybe that's it, or maybe it's not. I think when we're in emotional panic we come up with all sorts of reasons for why things are happening and all too often we may focus on the wrong thing. I know I have. Looking back with the benefit of hindsight I'm pretty confident that I could stop most of my breakups in the past if I wanted to.

Just from my experience, I would say there are commonalities with each breakup. For a start the "problem" that instigated the breakup was pretty much always the final straw of a line of problems. Many were situational, some were emotional, some were plain boredom(though that springs from the problem involved). All reasons had one thing in common. They weren't resolved. Usually they were ignored in the face of the heady feelings of romance.

I've said this before and I think it holds true in so many situations; the very things you worry about and ignore at the start of a love affair, if they go unresolved, will cause issues and will split you up at the end. In every case but one in my past that has been the case. This is why going back to someone nearly always goes wrong. If the original issue is still in play, then nothing has changed. Rinse and repeat. So look to that first. What was he (and you) concerned about and hoped would blow over or be overcome with love etc? That's where you start.

The other thing looking back is not giving the other space when asked. It feels counter intuitive when you're in emotional panic, but it nearly always results in pushing the other further away and making their decision look like a good one. In any relationship, friends family or lovers, the thing to aim for is balance. A balnce of pushing and pulling between the two. When these things go south one person pulls away and the tendency is for the other person to push. That just reinforces the one pulling away. It's like a nervous parent and a young child in a park. If the child decides to run, the panicked parent often runs after them shouting to come back The child reacts by running away even more. If the parent stands still or looks like they're going to leave, the child usually thinks twice and then starts chasing the parent. OK strange analogy, but not far wrong. In your case, I would say, don't push him for an answer. I know you feel you have little time, but lets say you do push him into staying with you, I would be farly sure it won't last as the issue hasn't been resolved and he's come back out of guilt or other emotional pressure. Give him space. If it's "meant to be" he will come back of his own accord.


As you say you need to talk to find out what is the real reason. Even then you may not hear the real reason, or even want to hear it. The other person may say one thing to save hurting you, or to save themselves the embarrassment /guilt that may come from the real reason. Understandable too on their part.

When you meet, try and keep the emotions in check. A lot of guys(though not all) will subconsciously switch off if too much emotions are being thrown around. Don't try to make him guilty for not staying. Avoid statements like "but you said x and I beleived you". If he gives a reason then I would say tell him you agree with how he feels about that and could see why he would say that. Tell him you love him and want him in your life as part of your future together, but if that's not to be, then you accept that too.

My 2cents anyway and it may take the pressure off enough that he may see the mistake of leaving. Good luck anyway.

John Mason

its not a mistake. he doesnt want to be with you anymore.

you need to face the reality - IT IS OVER.

Now you, can allow yourself a few weeks feeling sorry for yourself or you can hold your head up high and stop begging and looking pathetic

Wibbs

pink fluffy bunny wrote: »

its not a mistake. he doesnt want to be with you anymore.

you need to face the reality - IT IS OVER.

I'm sorry, you have absolutely no clue whether it is or not. None of us do, but him. Does it look good? Nope. Is there a possibility it may work down the line? Yes. At the moment, she simply doesn't know what's what. Best for her to find out for herself.

I have seen a couple, where she was in the legal process of divorcing her husband, separated for two years, seeing and pretty much living with another man. And they are now together. Wouldn't have given that good odds either.

Now you, can allow yourself a few weeks feeling sorry for yourself or you can hold your head up high and stop begging and looking pathetic

Pathetic? Nice touch. :rolleyes: I do agree that she should start to think about moving on for her own sake, regardless of the outcome.

kittensoft1984

Hi OP,

Its a difficult situation to be in.

Personally speaking it seems like he is playing a little bit of mind games with you. He knows that you are there and want to be with him so in some ways he feels he can do what he likes and come back to you at the end of it.

To be honest, I think you deserve more than that. It may be difficult to do but maybe you should let him go this time.

As Wibbs said you cant make him see anything. How many more times is he going to do this to you?

Talk to him and find out what is really going on if you can....there may well be valid reasons for his actions at this time.

I think that you could both do with some distance at the moment. Maybe you will have a future together, but at the moment I think you both need your space

who007

I feel bad for you but honestly don't think you can do anything but let it go... sorry

DamoKen

pink fluffy bunny wrote: »

its not a mistake. he doesnt want to be with you anymore.

you need to face the reality - IT IS OVER.

Now you, can allow yourself a few weeks feeling sorry for yourself or you can hold your head up high and stop begging and looking pathetic

even if it is over and there is no way for anyone including the OP let alone you to tell that for certain, there is no need to be that harsh. Little bit of empathy anyone?

OP I was in a fairly similar situation with my ex as you are, that is she is from a rural area and working in Dublin where I'm from. I used to go down at least once a month with her for the weekend, though if she had her way it would have been every weekend which really bugged me. Don't get me wrong, I got on extremely well with her whole family, would regularly go for drinks with her brothers etc. At the same time though I was staying in her family home and was aware that no matter how welcoming they were I was still in the inlaws home and a guest.
They never gave any reason for me to be uncomfortable, but I couldn't relax the way I would at home. I never said it to my ex because that's just me, but I think it's a natural human reaction. Your other half may have felt somewhat similar. I value my weekends and sleeping in a bed other than my own (or a plush hotel) is something I'll avoid when possible.

It's also a lot to ask for someone to move to a rural area especially if they have grown up in an urban environment. I had agreed to an eventual move when the market was better but that's just me again, I would prefer a more rural setting. Even then though at times I wondered would I be able to?

If you want to sort this out with him you need to sort out these issues. Even then these may have been as Wibbs said only the last straw, there could be any number of other reasons. Talk about it and then both take a step back, give each other some room and try to see your future without him and plan for that.

MagicMarker

pink fluffy bunny wrote: »

its not a mistake. he doesnt want to be with you anymore.

you need to face the reality - IT IS OVER.

Now you, can allow yourself a few weeks feeling sorry for yourself or you can hold your head up high and stop begging and looking pathetic

Christ, you're even more heartless than me! And that's saying something!

Personally, I would be very surprised if this isn't all forgotten about in a week.

OP, if/when you two sort things out, you need to really work on things to ensure stability in the relationship.

One thing that worked quite well with my last ex, was any time we argued, we made sure the argument was talked through in one sitting and we came to a resolution. Never go to bed before an argument is resolved, don't leave the house until it is resolved, just make sure first and foremost that it is resolved when it arises and then forget about it.

LegacyUser

Hi OP here again

I've just emailed my ex and told him I wouldn't be going up. I realised he just isn't the person I
fell in love with and I'd only be hurting myself. It's going to be difficult but I'm not the first person who's ever been dumped. I have good friends and family and they'll get me through.

Thanks to everyone who replied. It's nice to hear from other people's perspective...... well all except "Pink Fluffy Bunny". There's nothing pink and fluffy about you! Maybe you should change your username to "Samantha Jones"!!!

Wibbs

Sorry to hear about that. OK at least you know how you feel, if even for the moment. That's a big step, though may not feel like it. It also takes the pressure off you and indeed him. Regardless of what happens that's a good thing. There's nothing pathetic about feeling like crap about this either or seeking comfort from freinds and family. As you say the vast majority of people have gone through similar, so you're not alone. The one thing I would take from Pink Fluffy Bunnys post is to hold your head up high.

John Mason

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi OP here again

Thanks to everyone who replied. It's nice to hear from other people's perspective...... well all except "Pink Fluffy Bunny". There's nothing pink and fluffy about you! Maybe you should change your username to "Samantha Jones"!!!

the truth hurts but there it is. its over, time to move. he could have gone back to and you wuold have been back here in a months times saying the exact same thing, how many times were you going to let him do this to you?

and more importantly why would you let someone do that to you?

oh i know you are upset and everything but still dont see that a reason for calling me some kind of slut who sleeps with everyone (ps i had to google samantha jones to find out who she is )

LegacyUser

Hold your horses!! I didn't compare you to a slut who sleeps with everybody. Samantha Jones is just the type of character who would say what you did in your first message! I applaud you for googling her name. Well done! Hope it wasn't too stressful!

kittensoft1984

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi OP here again

I've just emailed my ex and told him I wouldn't be going up. I realised he just isn't the person I
fell in love with and I'd only be hurting myself. It's going to be difficult but I'm not the first person who's ever been dumped. I have good friends and family and they'll get me through.

Thanks to everyone who replied. It's nice to hear from other people's perspective...... well all except "Pink Fluffy Bunny". There's nothing pink and fluffy about you! Maybe you should change your username to "Samantha Jones"!!!

OP,

Im sad and glad to read your post.

Its going to be really hard for the next while but take comfort from family and friends and here of course.

Keep the chin up hun

NewFrockTuesday

the truth hurts but there it is. its over, time to move. he could have gone back to and you wuold have been back here in a months times saying the exact same thing, how many times were you going to let him do this to you?

and more importantly why would you let someone do that to you?

oh i know you are upset and everything

but still dont see that a reason for calling me some kind of slut

who sleeps with everyone (ps i had to google samantha jones to find out who she is

Ah now thats putting words in mouths. I think it was more the atitude than her actions. Pinkfluffyrazorbladeshiddeninyourfood! Ive never read you being so forceful before I dont think. And in a way I agree. Its better to be strong at the start fo the break up. Break ups tend to meander on for quite a while - esp if there is property involved. You do need a back bone to get through it all so in a way pfb, I agree with you, just in a less hardcore kill'em all kinda way.

OP - That was a very quick decision given the intensity of the relationship. I wish you all the best but will say love doesnt just die. It takes time - alot of it - to get over hurt and betrayal, and not the cheating kind but the broken promises kind. Be nice to you now. From sobbing so much you couldnt type to mailing (quite bizzare in itself) a strongly worded email - either you are supere human or maybe just not as in love as you thought. Either way, roll with it.

Good luck

LegacyUser

It wasn't a quick decision. I just realised that if he does love me then he wouldn't be treatng me like this. If he changes his mind then he can do it over the phone. I can't risk my heart by going up there to be rejected again. I still love him with all my heart. I may not be crying now but I feel like sh*t . Thanks for the replies and PFB - no hard feelings eh?