His ex & child - am I being unreasonable

jaash

just need a bit of advice, i am going to cut a long story short...

my bf has a child of 6 mths with his ex, we are together 5 months, up to now his ex has been appauling, she treats him like **** and up til december she decided when he could see his child or not...when she found out about me she stopped him seeing her for about 6 weeks, it then went to court and he gets 4 hours a week in his exs house with her....

he told me once he got visitation etc he would stop taking her ****e but tyesterday we had planned to go to lunch she txts hima nd says shes in town did he want to meet even though he would be seeing her later on in the evening...he basically stopped talking about our plans did his own things in town then got me to drop him home...

i waited til i dropped him at his hosue and txtd him and told him he was putting his ex first again...

Anyway cutting a story short, i drove into town upset and i looked up and there is my "boyfriend" walking through the town with his ex and pushing the pram, he saw me but totally ignored me didnt even let on to her that his girlfriend had just driven by...looking at him in the mirror crying, he didnt even flinch he didnt look back at me or anything...i rang him and he told me hed ring me back...

an hour later i rang him and he said she had gone but he was walking through town with her cos she had bills to pay etc...i said but u were spending time with ur child not your ex, he told me to cop on and get used to her being around...IM NOT HAPPY IM HURT there is a lot of ****e going on in my lfie and now hes just turned around and basically told me if he wants to walk through the town with his ex he will...

Considering that i cannot even speak to any exs "cos i dont have kids with them" it seems a bit two faced


I get that he needs to see his child, thats fair enough but the fact that my nose is being rubbed in it with him walking round the town with his ex in town is just too much for me...

i love him so much and am in bits at the way he has just basically told me to cop on...

His ex isnt a nice person, i have heardshe has called me a retard and he stood by and let her so what does this say about him??

Any advice would be apprecaited...

jim o doom

Well I don't think anybody in any relationship has a right to tell their OH not to see/speak/whatever with their ex. If you don't trust them with an ex, then you don't trust them at all & why are you in a relationship together?

I think you are overreacting, this is the childs mother & he isn't going to annoy her because it could limit his chances to see his child. Also his child is going to want to at least see both of it's parents at least being friendly - anything else could cause pschological problems, especially at a young age.

However, if he thinks you cannot be friends and hang out with your ex's that's also wrong, you should be able to see and speak to whomever you please. But that doesn't make what you are doing acceptable either.. you could end up driving him to her, by being difficult when his childs concerns are paramount over what he wants for you OR himself. Just try be more understanding, a child to him I am sure is a BIG responsibility & clearly he is acting the way he should be with regards the child..

Burial

Your second to his child. If he has to change plans constantly to see his child, he will. Stop thinking your number one in his world. If you don't like it then find someone who'll make you number one.

LegacyUser

Hi there,
I'm in a similar situation as this only I'm the guy,

With regards to her calling you names and him not saying anything, yeah on the surface that is bad form but if she is as bad as you say maybe he is afraid to start an arguement with her incase she starts messing around his access again?
He only gets four hours a week as it is, and that's not a lot.

Do you know her at all? Like did you know her before you got together?
If you don't know her and she doesn't know you then I wouldn't take her petty insults to heart, even though I know that's hard for to do.

The hard thing is, no matter what happens, this woman will be in his life forever. Every christmas, every holiday, every birthday, event that child has that woman will be involved so for you, you will have to find a way to deal with it, and that I can understand will be difficult for you.
I agree with jim o doom that he doesn't have the right to tell you you "can't" speak to your exs.
I'm afraid he's made his feelings clear on the subject and if he won't budge then you either have to accept it and move on.
His baby is only 6 months old and he's still probably trying to find out how to be a good father, especially as his access has been messed around until recently.
Having a child is a huge adjustment to a persons life and he's probably very frustrated.

LegacyUser

Hi Op, Im in a similar situation. My partner has a child with what can only be described as an absolute psycho. She found out he was seeing someone and also stopped him visiting the child. It is hard but I'm such a laid back person that to a large extent is fails to bother me. The only thing is that he is a great dad and it confirms my faith in him.

Op, if she is a woman scorned and is likely to stop him seeing his kid whenever SHE feels like it then I'm sure he is only trying to ensure an easy life and one can't blame him for that.

Its a tough one to be honest.

As for not liking you talking to your ex's ..... problem right there?!

That Girl..

Burial wrote: »

Your second to his child. If he has to change plans constantly to see his child, he will. Stop thinking your number one in his world. If you don't like it then find someone who'll make you number one.

The OP never said anywhere in her post that she wanted to be his 'number one'? She didn't even indicate that.. And i think it was a bit harsh.

She's just pissed off that he said he wasn't gonna take any ****e from his ex anymore yet he still is? Anyone would be annoyed by this - If you're in a relationship that is?

OP I think you should really talk to your boyfriend about this and try to get him to understand.
He can't make rules for you and not abide by them himself?
Obviously he's gonna wanna see his child when he can but why couldn't he have taken the child that day and his ex go pay the bills by herself?

I totally understand why you would be upset by this behaviour.

jim o doom

That Girl.. wrote: »

The OP never said anywhere in her post that she wanted to be his 'number one'? She didn't even indicate that.. And i think it was a bit harsh.

She's just pissed off that he said he wasn't gonna take any ****e from his ex anymore yet he still is? Anyone would be annoyed by this - If you're in a relationship that is?

OP I think you should really talk to your boyfriend about this and try to get him to understand.
He can't make rules for you and not abide by them himself?
Obviously he's gonna wanna see his child when he can but why couldn't he have taken the child that day and his ex go pay the bills by herself?

I totally understand why you would be upset by this behaviour.

Regardless of what he said or how she feels about the mother - it is the CHILD in this situation that is important. She needs to put her feelings aside because however the kids mother is it's the KID everyone in the situation needs to be thinking about, don't you think?

LegacyUser

You're always going to come second place, and it sounds like he doesn't have very much respect for you.

Is that really good enough for you?

That Girl..

jim o doom wrote: »

Regardless of what he said or how she feels about the mother - it is the CHILD in this situation that is important. She needs to put her feelings aside because however the kids mother is it's the KID everyone in the situation needs to be thinking about, don't you think?

Yes i do think so thats why i did say that OBVIOUSLY the child is his number one..

Would it not bother you if your girlfriend was walkin down the street with her ex?? If not the fine but everyone to their own:rolleyes: And more to the point, he shouldn't have just blanked her coz he was walkin with her, thats bad form.

jaash

ok let me just enlighten ye all a bit more, I have a serious illness that requires hospitalization & treatment quite a lot, if I get sick...At the moment I am sick and have to start treatment tomorrow, which he knows I shouldnt be getting stressed out too much...Also my parents are totally against him, they have told me if I want him I am on my own, which I was in the process of moving out because of him...Up to a few weeks ago he was saying how it'll change now he has access and guardianship...She cant stop him from seeing his daughter now...

I dont expect to be his number one because he has a child...But I dont also expect that I am told except her being around...we have just spoken on the phone and he is like a different person..he said "what do i expect him to say, hes not the one screaming and roaring, hes not the one with the problem, i am..he is going to see his child whenever he can, if i dont like it, its not his problem" I am in shock I cant believe how much he has turned, I honestly feel like he doesnt give a **** or love me anymore...

Surely if he truly loved me he would try somehting to ease this hurt but he wont...

I would appreciate a pm from 2 people in similar situation, obviously it will be in total confidence...

jaash

That Girl.. wrote: »

Yes i do think so thats why i did say that OBVIOUSLY the child is his number one..

Would it not bother you if your girlfriend was walkin down the street with her ex?? If not the fine but everyone to their own:rolleyes: And more to the point, he shouldn't have just blanked her coz he was walkin with her, thats bad form.

I questioned him on this and he said I was looking at my phone...

I also said if you drove by and saw me walking down town with my ex how would you feel...his answer "you dont have a child with your ex, your not in the same situation as me so you dont understand" i said hold on a minute you said you wanted to see you daughter, so why couldnt you have fgone somewhere with her and let your ex (wasnt that polite!!!) go do her own thing...He said he doesnt have to explain to me when hes seeing his child

vandermeyde

Being confrontational about it means there's only going to be one winner and it aint gonna be you. You need to calm down, if you've got medical stuff going on you need to concentrate on yourself for now and get that over and done with. Let things settle and then sit down and talk. Don't shout, rant, accuse, just talk and listen. Emotions are too high at the moment by the looks of things.

Explain to him how you feel, if he's still refusing to listen or engage well then you can cross that bridge when you come to it.

jaash

vandermeyde wrote: »

Being confrontational about it means there's only going to be one winner and it aint gonna be you. You need to calm down, if you've got medical stuff going on you need to concentrate on yourself for now and get that over and done with. Let things settle and then sit down and talk. Don't shout, rant, accuse, just talk and listen. Emotions are too high at the moment by the looks of things.

Explain to him how you feel, if he's still refusing to listen or engage well then you can cross that bridge when you come to it.

Your right, I know you are, but somehow I dont think we are going to get over this, or should I say I am going to get over this...I love this guy so much, yet he is basically telling me like it or lump it...The whole thing is around him walking through the town with his ex not seeing his daughter...

I just think I will break up with him because I know hes not going to budge...

Look, I'm not trying to be harsh, but you sound very unreasonable, he is right, you don't have a child with your ex so you don't understand. You are only going out with him 5 months, not years, so he will always put his child first, and so he should, jesus there's plenty of men out there who won't do the same. At the end of the day, you are completely jealous of his ex, if you weren't it would not bother you at all, if you trusted him, why on earth would you care if he was walking down the road with his ex - the mother of his child.

This is normal behaviour by the way, he has done nothing wrong, ok, I accept that he should not have blanked you the way he did, but if this woman is as bad as you make out, he's probably just trying to keep the peace with her.

You will end up with no boyfriend if you carry on the way you are, after 5 months of a relationship there shouldn't be screaming and roaring down the phone - imagine what you will be like 2 years from now.

You say he has changed, if you continue to make it an issue for him to see his child his feelings for you will change completely.

His child will ALWAYS come first, and that childs mother is part of the childs life and there is nothing you can do about it, you have to either accept this fact or leave your boyfriend.

And by the way, he is right in telling you he does not have to explain to you about seeing his child, and you are wrong to expect him to.

jaash

Deleted User wrote: »

Look, I'm not trying to be harsh, but you sound very unreasonable, he is right, you don't have a child with your ex so you don't understand. You are only going out with him 5 months, not years, so he will always put his child first, and so he should, jesus there's plenty of men out there who won't do the same. At the end of the day, you are completely jealous of his ex, if you weren't it would not bother you at all, if you trusted him, why on earth would you care if he was walking down the road with his ex - the mother of his child.

This is normal behaviour by the way, he has done nothing wrong, ok, I accept that he should not have blanked you the way he did, but if this woman is as bad as you make out, he's probably just trying to keep the peace with her.

You will end up with no boyfriend if you carry on the way you are, after 5 months of a relationship there shouldn't be screaming and roaring down the phone - imagine what you will be like 2 years from now.

You say he has changed, if you continue to make it an issue for him to see his his feelings for you will change completely.

His child will ALWAYS come first, and that childs mother is part of the childs life and there is nothing you can do about it, you have to either accept this fact or leave your boyfriend.

And by the way, he is right and telling you he does not have to explain to you about seeing his child, and you are wrong to expect him to.

I dont have an issue with him seeing his child, I drop him out to his exs house when he sees her...My problem is I didnt expect to drive into town and see him walking along with her, looking like a couple...

WHEN he is the one that will go mental if I so much as get a text off a male friend! I KNOW if he saw me walking through the town with my ex he would dump me there and then...One day he was driving and thought he saw my car at my exs house, then he realised it wasnt mine...He then told me that if it had have been me he wouldve dumped me there and then..I told him there might have been a reason I was there, he said no reason, you would be dumped..

well this is also unreasonable, and quite frankly completely immature, unfortunately though, you will have to be the bigger person here if you want to stay in this relationship.

If I'm honest, it sounds a bit heavy going after just 5 months, you should be having fun, enjoying each other, and not worrying about being dumped if you car is parked in the wrong place! The fact that he has even told you he would dump you in certain circumstances is pathetic.

jaash

Deleted User wrote: »

well this is also unreasonable, and quite frankly completely immature, unfortunately though, you will have to be the bigger person here if you want to stay in this relationship.

If I'm honest, it sounds a bit heavy going after just 5 months, you should be having fun, enjoying each other, and not worrying about being dumped if you car is parked in the wrong place! The fact that he has even told you he would dump you in certain circumstances is pathetic.

I want to stay in this relationshipl, I love him very much, I thought he loved me, I just dont know right now with the way he is being so off with me...I know we are not together very long but we have been through a hell of a lot, its like we are together years, alos the fact that I KNOW I am going to lose my family over him is probably the reason I have reacted in this way...I am just starting to have doubts as to whether I should even bother anymore regardless of how I feel about him

LegacyUser

Hello again,

I am sorry to hear about your illness and I hope you are doing ok.

You said your ex gets four hours in her house with her a week,
Do you know what the reasoning is for this, like is he nervous/incapable of looking after the baby on his own? Is the time all together or is it broken up. It really isn't a lot, I see my son every second day at least and I still feel I'm missing out

(You check out my thread - Big huge Giant Mess if you want more info on my situation if you like)

I'm not sure if I agree with the way he's speaking to you , but perhaps he is realising what he's been missing for the first months of his sons life and takes every opportunity he gets to be with him, even if that means walking around with the mother.

It's really not fair of him to tell you you cannot speak to your exs.
In one way I suppose he's saying he only speaks to her because they have a child together but will you ever know if that's true?

You said his ex had treated him badly with regards to access, well maybe now he feels you are doing the same thing ... I know you are not, but maybe that's how he's feeling and he's trying to find his feet and you are as he puts it "screaming and roaring".
Having a baby is a huge change in a persons life and he may be only realising the magnitude of it now.

Maybe you should give him some space, a day, two days, a week whatever (I know that's hard), and concentrate on feeling better physically, and also please please try and sort things out with your family.
Don't give them up for him right now.

Then with a clear head, try and talk to him, be rational and if he still doesn't try and see it from your point of view then I guess maybe you need to reconsider if he is the right guy for you.

redfacedbear

Deleted User wrote: »

ok, I accept that he should not have blanked you the way he did, but if this woman is as bad as you make out, he's probably just trying to keep the peace with her.

Not to mention he probably knew the OP would flip the lid when she saw him with the ex.

OP - your bf is in a tricky situation; new to fatherhood, dealing with access difficulties and an unreasonable ex. You are not helping him.

LegacyUser

Ok I'm sorry but that stuff about dumping you like that is threatening and bullying behaviour.

The very fact he told you all about this incident was an attempt to scare you.

Also what are the reasons your family don't like him?

This does not sound good.

jim o doom

jaash wrote: »

I dont have an issue with him seeing his child, I drop him out to his exs house when he sees her...My problem is I didnt expect to drive into town and see him walking along with her, looking like a couple...

WHEN he is the one that will go mental if I so much as get a text off a male friend! I KNOW if he saw me walking through the town with my ex he would dump me there and then...One day he was driving and thought he saw my car at my exs house, then he realised it wasnt mine...He then told me that if it had have been me he wouldve dumped me there and then..I told him there might have been a reason I was there, he said no reason, you would be dumped..

From the last few messages you've posted; including the extremely negative "I don't think I can get over him & his ex + child walking around" I draw a few conclusions from this:

You are being overly dramatic, you mentioned that he said to you on a call "I am not the one screaming and shouting down the phone" which indicates screaming & shouting, i.e. DRAMA.

You also said you had a problem "with them walking around looking like a couple" - They have a CHILD together, are they going to be nicey nicey in front of said child, so the child isn't traumatised.. that is a fairly notmal thing to want for a child, regardless of how the 2 parents feel.

I also accept that he is a total douche. Your statement of him telling you that he would dump you if you had been in you ex's house is beyond ridiculous; if any of my ex's had the GALL to even say such a thing to me, they would have been long gone. He sounds like a possessive jerk.

That being said, if you want to stay with him, then do - but don't use him being nice to his child and acting NORMALLY around the child with his ex as an excuse for ending it. If you end it, end it for a good reason; like him trying to control who you see for instance. (which is what you are trying to currently do to him).

Lollipops23

to be completely frank, it sounds like a completely unhealthy relationship; you say he freaks out if you get a text from a male friend?and i'm sorry,if he's gonna see the baba he's gonna see her. simple as. I would have an issue with her being so disrespectful of you and calling you names. TBH he's at a place in his life where he has a lot of stuff to work out, like fixing the crap relationship with his child's mum and trying to be the best daddy he can be. I'm not sure a stressful and turbulent relationship is a good idea at this point in time. And with your ill health, you need this like hole in the head.

shinny

I also think it's pretty heavy going for a relationship of only 5 months. Seriously, if you are having these problems, so early on, it doesn't bode well for the future!

In saying that. There are a lot of unreasonable emotions flying about here. I'm guessing here that it was more his reaction to what you said rather than what he did that's p'd you off?
For instance, after you said you'd seen him walking through town with his ex and it upset you because they looked like a family or whatever (I'm surmising). He could have said to you something like, "I know it's not an ideal situation, but you know what she is like and I'm going to do whatever I need to do to see my child (considering what she did when she found out about yous) but at the end of the day it's you I want to be with and I need your support to get through this".
I'm guessing it's more reassurance you need than for him not to have contact with his ex?

In saying that, if he doesn't see it like that now, he never will. If you can't sit down and discuss this reasonably, then I honestly think you do need to walk away from it.

For those of you saying "The child comes first end of" that's not just it. She is not this Child's mother and will not have the same feelings (especially if he's carrying on like this) towards the child. Therefore, unless he wants to be a single Dad, he needs to also learn how to be considerate of how this is affecting his girlfriend! It's a two way street people. Then in time the relationship will grow stronger between his girlfriend and his child. You don't need resentment growing instead.

Good luck.

Trinity

What difference does it make if he is in her house or walking down the road?

To be quite honest i dont think either of you are in the right place in time to be in this relationship.

How will you feel when you see the family photos of the childs communion? Christmas? Birthdays? And you are not involved but they are playing happy families.

She will call when the child is sick, needs something, has to go to the hospital/doctor, when she feels lonely and feels hard done by that she is doing this alone. When she feels that she will put all the hard work in and he gets the good stuff, 4 hours of fun then goes off for the other 164 hours of the week and does his own thing while she walks the floors with a crying baby all night then gets up at the crack of dawn and starts all over again.

When the baby has been crying all night and she feels like pulling her hair out cos she hasnt slept or taken a shower and she imagines that hes living the free and easy life and her life is well all over the place.

She may not be right, but thats probably what she is thinking. When the baby says his first word, its him she will automatically want to share it with and she will probably be sad that hes not there to share her happiness. And then she will get angry.

Being a single mother is not easy, regardless of what a bitch you may think she is. Its a very sad, lonely, tiring time behind the joy of having a baby and the good times, there are also some pretty low points and maybe its instinct but the one person you want to share it with is the other parent whether you want to be with them in a relationship or not, it doesnt matter. They made the baby with you. All you want is for them to play their role, and especially that the baby is so young, they have not had time to adjust to being parents and she is doing a hard job on her own, so they have not settled into it yet. They are both finding their feet as parents and i am sure he too wants to share in the joy of his new baby.

He has responsibilities now. You have to ask yourself can you play second fiddle. I think the answer is no.

PCPhoto

My Advice ............ Walk away with your head high......

You dont need that kind of treatment from him, its stressful enough to have an illness but this kind of hassle is definately bad for you and will affect your health.

you would probably be best going back to your family and apologising for choosing him over them - given you have a serious illness you may need the support of family and may not be in a position to rely on him to be there if/when you need him.

Just my advice on the matter.

jaash

jaash wrote: »

One day he was driving and thought he saw my car at my exs house, then he realised it wasnt mine...He then told me that if it had have been me he wouldve dumped me there and then..I told him there might have been a reason I was there, he said no reason, you would be dumped..

Why are you with this idiot?
Sounds like he's right match for his ex, horrible people.
Just dump him and be done with it.
Someone who genuinely loves you doesn't dump you because you're visiting someone. It indicates a lack of trust, respect, and that he's a possessive controlling unreasonable jerk.
That's aside from all the other stuff going on.

jaash

WhyWhatHowWhen wrote: »

Hello again,

I am sorry to hear about your illness and I hope you are doing ok.

You said your ex gets four hours in her house with her a week,
Do you know what the reasoning is for this, like is he nervous/incapable of looking after the baby on his own? Is the time all together or is it broken up. It really isn't a lot, I see my son every second day at least and I still feel I'm missing out

(You check out my thread - Big huge Giant Mess if you want more info on my situation if you like)

I'm not sure if I agree with the way he's speaking to you , but perhaps he is realising what he's been missing for the first months of his sons life and takes every opportunity he gets to be with him, even if that means walking around with the mother.

It's really not fair of him to tell you you cannot speak to your exs.
In one way I suppose he's saying he only speaks to her because they have a child together but will you ever know if that's true?

You said his ex had treated him badly with regards to access, well maybe now he feels you are doing the same thing ... I know you are not, but maybe that's how he's feeling and he's trying to find his feet and you are as he puts it "screaming and roaring".
Having a baby is a huge change in a persons life and he may be only realising the magnitude of it now.

Maybe you should give him some space, a day, two days, a week whatever (I know that's hard), and concentrate on feeling better physically, and also please please try and sort things out with your family.
Don't give them up for him right now.

Then with a clear head, try and talk to him, be rational and if he still doesn't try and see it from your point of view then I guess maybe you need to reconsider if he is the right guy for you.

The only reason he gets to see her in her mothers house is because of her mother, she is a total fruit cake, she got a safety order out against him...It went to court and the judge has elimintaed the safety order as he did nothing, then the judge gave him fours hours a week in her house..He has been involved since his daughter was born, they split up before they knew she was pregnant bcos of her lies, she only stopped my bf seeing her when she found out about me but now she cant refuse him access or shes in court...They will be in court again in may to get future custody, so he is hoping he;ll get her every 2nd weekend or something...

As for my family things are gone way behond it now, we are barely speaking and its becos of him, the reason they are so protective is becos of my illness, so I dont blame them, they want whats best for me and they think he isnt...

We have spoken again and he says he has done nothing wrong even though I clearly said you werent just with your daughter you were walking round the town with your ex, thats not quality time with your child...he wont budge i am wrong. i dont understand etc...

jaash

shinny wrote: »

I also think it's pretty heavy going for a relationship of only 5 months. Seriously, if you are having these problems, so early on, it doesn't bode well for the future!

In saying that. There are a lot of unreasonable emotions flying about here. I'm guessing here that it was more his reaction to what you said rather than what he did that's p'd you off?
For instance, after you said you'd seen him walking through town with his ex and it upset you because they looked like a family or whatever (I'm surmising). He could have said to you something like, "I know it's not an ideal situation, but you know what she is like and I'm going to do whatever I need to do to see my child (considering what she did when she found out about yous) but at the end of the day it's you I want to be with and I need your support to get through this".
I'm guessing it's more reassurance you need than for him not to have contact with his ex?

In saying that, if he doesn't see it like that now, he never will. If you can't sit down and discuss this reasonably, then I honestly think you do need to walk away from it.

For those of you saying "The child comes first end of" that's not just it. She is not this Child's mother and will not have the same feelings (especially if he's carrying on like this) towards the child. Therefore, unless he wants to be a single Dad, he needs to also learn how to be considerate of how this is affecting his girlfriend! It's a two way street people. Then in time the relationship will grow stronger between his girlfriend and his child. You don't need resentment growing instead.

Good luck.

Hey shinny, yes that exactly what I need from him reassurance, especially with my circumstances, not for him to tell me he'll do it hes right no matter what i say...

K-9

The one thing that jumps out at me here is: The access is supervised for whatever reason.

Therefore he can't see his child without her there, which is why he was pushing the pram with her there.

Still he shouldn't have blanked you, but I'd say, if she's a psycho as you say, he wanted to avoid a confrontation with ex.

You are in a difficult situation. Things may get easier in time when access isn't supervised and he gets more. She'll always be part of his and indeed your life though.

You need to decide if you can cope with that.

PS. Your family aren't helping. You have a sickness and he has a psycho ex dictating about his child. He is under pressure too.

shinny

jaash wrote: »

We have spoken again and he says he has done nothing wrong even though I clearly said you werent just with your daughter you were walking round the town with your ex, thats not quality time with your child...he wont budge i am wrong. i dont understand etc...

I dunno, I think it might be time to call it a day. He seems like a right selfish fooker. I think you should put yourself first here and walk away now, before it really gets in on you and makes your health even worse. It won't feel like the right decision now, but it will eventually.

Do you really want to invest anymore time in this unhealthy relationship?

I know it's hard, but it's either a short term painful moment or a lifetime of misery, by the sounds of things.

LegacyUser

jaash wrote: »

there is my "boyfriend" walking through the town with his ex and pushing the pram

He's not walking through town with his ex, he's walking through town with the mother of his child. It's pretty unreasonable to expect two people who have a child not to appear in public together with the kid, even if they have split up. It's also not great from the kid's point of view to say the least if its parents can't have some sort of civil relationship.

jaash wrote: »

WHEN he is the one that will go mental if I so much as get a text off a male friend! I KNOW if he saw me walking through the town with my ex he would dump me there and then...One day he was driving and thought he saw my car at my exs house, then he realised it wasnt mine...He then told me that if it had have been me he wouldve dumped me there and then..I told him there might have been a reason I was there, he said no reason, you would be dumped..

And this is pretty idiotic from his point of view. Anyone who threatened me like this would get kicked to the kerb pretty quickly. He needs to grow up.

But you need to accept the fact that if he has a child he's going to see the mother even outside the official court mandated hours. They are parents, they have a kid to bring up and even if they aren't together, its good for the kid that its parents can do at least some things together.

LegacyUser

It looks to me like he has double standards as to what is acceptable in a relationship, one set of rules for you and one set for him.

Your not allowed text male friends let alone talk to an ex. If you consider this acceptable then I can see why you dont think its ok for him to walk around with his ex, its simply the rules he made up for the relationship.

The reason he thinks its fine for him to be around the ex is because in a healthy trusting relationship it would be. But it does not sound like a healthy trusting relationship!

He made unreasonable demands that you never talk to an ex and now is confused as to why your doing the same. If he does not trust you with you ex why should you trust him with his?

A relationship based on mistrust is not going to go anywhere good. If he wants a girlfriend while hes going through this fatherhood thing then he needs to show you that although your not the number one priority in his life, your still very important to him. Just because he has a child does not mean you dont deserve to be treated with respect. Its his job to keep both teams on side in this because its him that has it all to lose, access his child and you.

And if your family hate him for a reason (other than snobery, etc, you know yourself why it is) then in my experiance hes probably not very good for you. You can be sure that your parents love you and are looking out for your interests only, so I would say listen to them and get out of this now.

metrovelvet

You know how relationships demand compromise? well relationships with someone who has a child demand a lot more. It takes a lot of confidence to be in your posistion and it doesnt sound like you have it.

This baby is only 6 months old, his/her parents are still working through the ins and outs of things before things settle. I know you think she's a pscyho, etc etc blah blah blah, but I have the feeling you would be even more unnerved if she were a gorgeous, slender, stable, articulate, and gentle mother of your boyfriend's first child. They will need time to find their way together as a family, and you will have to be able to give them that time. You have been on the scene since the baby was one month old right? Not much breathing space for your bf with all the stuff going on in his life.

But even aside from the child... the comments about seeing the car and thinking it was an ex's and how he would have dumped you.... does this really sound like a guy who loves you? Sounds like an ass.

G&T

He moved on very quickly after his
relationship ended,
Maybe it wasn't over,maybe he paniced
after the baby was born.

If I was you I would step aside and give them
a chance to reunite/finish and sort out baby arrangements.
If I had someone's baby and 1 month later
he was out and about with someone else I would freak
he sound's like a vey immature person,
are you sure you want to be with him,
you could be in the same boat as the ex someday,

If you continue to see him use protection,
it's crazy all the baby's being born to
people who hardly know or like each other.

Chinafoot

jaash wrote: »

We have spoken again and he says he has done nothing wrong even though I clearly said you werent just with your daughter you were walking round the town with your ex, thats not quality time with your child...he wont budge i am wrong. i dont understand etc...

Why are you clinging to this "walking around town with your ex"? It's been repeated over and over on this thread that he was with the mother of his child. It was an opportunity for him to see his baby and he took it. Considering the trouble he's been having with access you can't really blame him. You're being completely unreasonable.

His attitude towards your exes is ridiculously immature and I don't agree with him one bit there. Having said that, he is right when he says that you being out with your ex isn't the same as him being with the mother of his child. Had they been on their own without the baby then yeah, you might have an argument but in this case you don't.

On the blanking issue, you said you were driving past, yes? Maybe he only copped you after you'd gone by. I've often done that. Did you stop the car to speak to him? Did you beep the horn at him? Wave? Did you think that maybe he didn't want to cause an argument with his ex in front of the baby? She may be only 6 months but babies are very perceptive to atmospheres like that.

Look, you obviously have jealousy issues with the ex. This is your problem and something you're going to have to get over if you want this relationship to work. Yeah she's been horrible to you, but you'll have to deal with it if you want to stay with this fella. This other woman will always be in his life.

You're talking about your family as though you've sacrificed so much to be with this guy. Maybe you have, but that won't supercede him being a father to this child. That will always come first and to be completely honest, you sound like you're starting to resent him for your family problems. Another thing to consider is why exactly your family, who love you, are so against him. Maybe you should take this as an opportunity to take a hard look at this relationship and try to see it for what it is. The bloke is obviously very controlling but, tbh, it sounds like there's two of you in it. It's obviously a very unhealthy relationship where you particularly can't seem to see the wood for the trees.

You're only together 5 months. Yeah, it might feel like longer but the fact is it isn't. If you continue with this unreasonable behaviour you will be the one to lose out.