Break up after 6 years and a baby

LegacyUser

Hi
I don’t really know what to say or why im even doing this. I think I just need to get it off my chest as I can’t talk to family and friends about it yet.

To give some background, I am 26 my ex gf is 24, we have been together for 6 years. (7 years on 14th Feb - Valentines Day). We had a baby boy 2 years ago who we both adore. My father past away suddenly in December, we were very close and I miss him dearly.

Last Friday my ex went out to a work doo. We had organised that I would pick her up a 3 am. (as we live in the Kildare but are from and work in Dublin) I called her first at half 2 to see if she was ready or if she had moved onto a club or anything but she didn’t answer. I called every half hour or so but still no answer. I sent her a txt at 4 to say I was driving down to look for her, as I was getting worried. She rang back straight away to say she was ready to be picked up. She wanted to be picked up in a different area to where she had been and it sparked my suspicion. So I questioned her until she admitted that she was talking to a guy from work outside the club for an hour n a half (after telling me a couple of lies). A row ensued and I accused her of cheating, we broke up.

A couple of days later after careful consideration I realised she could have been telling the truth and maybe they were just talking.(wishful thinking) I wanted to talk to her to see if we could make another go of it. She was having none of it. She is adamant that she does not want to get back with me. We went out last night as friends. I was hoping that I could show her that we can have fun again and be happy. We had a good time but she was still adamant that she doesn’t want to give it a go. We went to our separate beds and I could her talking on the phone, like she was checking in with some one. I have lost her for good. I know it.

Sorry for the really long comment but as I said I have to say it to somebody. My family are still grieving and the months mass for me Da is on Sunday (it was delayed) so I won’t burden them with this. What do I do? Where do I go from here? I never felt so much pain in me life and I miss me Da . I can’t believe the cause of it is from the one person I trusted the most.

MagicMarker

It sounds to me like the accusations of her cheating are what broke the camel's back. Regardless of whether she is or not (because at the end of the day you don't know!), she used it as an excuse to end the relationship.

There isn't a whole lot you can do right now other than respect her decision.

If you're living together I can only say that you (or her) should move out. ''Hanging out'' merely days after you break up is no way to continue the relationship.

Sit her down, talk to her about the living arrangements and talk about the best way to move forward regarding your child, ie, visitation/support etc.

Sorry dude.

Wibbs

Are you sure there's someone else, beyond your suspicions that may be more acute because of the other traumas in your life. Your description of the night where your ex didn't pick up the phone was very similar to two situations I had many moons ago. In one case I just assumed she was outa credit or whatever and figured she was with friends so let it go. Turns out she was lining up someone else as a replacement and had decided that was the night to snog the face of him. The other time, almost the identical scenario and I got suspicious and reckoned she was playing away(funny this was before the first example so I didn't have baggage over it). Turned out I was wrong that time in a big way. Of course me freaking caused a rift.

My point is, two similar situations, totally different outcomes to what I was convinced happened.

Is it possible nothing went on, or some flirting did go on, with no itention on her part to take it further, but your reaction added to maybe a little guilt on her part has caused her to think differently about you and dig her heels in? Just a thought.

Now it does look suss, in fairness, but keep an open mind.

OK So she has refused to even talk about getting back with you? If she feels distrusted that could be the reason. If you can, wait until the dust has settled a bit. Then try and have a calm conversation about this. Agree that you were wrong to flip out, regardless of what went on. You should have waited for her side of the story etc. Let her tell you what's what.

Now you've been together 7 years and have a child. It would be a rare person who would off the top of their head would decide to throw that away. yes she may have issues with you and the relationship and if you want some closure or movement either way, you have to find out what they are.

Is the sad death of your dad any part of this? Have you(naturally BTW) drifted from her over this time? Is there one or more recurring issues that keeps coming back in arguments. All too often the signs are there, but we don't see them at the time. We figure, "well we've had the argument, bit of a snog afterward, so that's that sorted". This goes double for blokes. I've done that more than once TBH.

These are the kinds of questions you maybe should ask yourself, to try and establish a framework around how this has come to this. As I say it rarely comes out of the blue except with mentallists. Even simple boredom in a relationship is a slow burn process.

As for yourself, Try and look after you and your family in this hard time. She may be gone for good or she may come back. People that truy love us may freak at times, maybe even take breaks, but they're there for us. Look after yourself first.

deargas

Ok,

initial gut reaction,

She was going to break up with you anyway, and used this as a suitable excuse to lump it on your shoulders.

If it's truly, then you need to think about your child, and getting the most out of your relationship with him.

Make the break up amicable, get a different set of friends to hers. If you're still hanging around together, then it's just going to end up worse.

And if you start pleading etc. then you're going to make a fool out of yourself and look pathetic and pityful.

If you must, get yourself together, and ask her straight out about her reasons etc. But be prepared to say ok. Respect her decision, even if it's the end. She controls your access to your child. no matter what 'rights' you think you may have.

You can't make someone love you, if they don't they don't.

You are young, live your life. Keep a strong contact with your child.

cantdecide

No one is going to break up over one big fight. You've been going out a long time so I presume I'm wrong here but I think a valid question is have you had any of these bad bad fights before?

I just feel that there's a tiny possibility that it's the first major disappointment that she has had in you (makes sense it was a completely innocent scenario) then she could be badly hurt, If you've had nothing but blissful happiness until now. If so, you have to give her time. Though, at the moment I am inclined to agree with the above that there is more to it than just one big fight...

Wagon

deargas wrote: »

She was going to break up with you anyway, and used this as a suitable excuse to lump it on your shoulders.

Have to agree with this. Also, I'd be suspicious too. Don't know why as I usually like to see the whole picture before I make a judgement but after 6 years and a child together, you just don't break up over a fight like this. "Just talking" to a guy from work after telling you a few lies and then getting picked up in a completely different area...doesn't seem right to me either. Can't blame you for being suspicious.

Then you told her you were sorry for making an asumption and then ask to give it another go. She refuses completely. And it's not because you're weak for wanting her back (that doesn't apply here. Any woman who thinks you are weak because you wanted to make another go of it needs to get her head checked). I'd say it's more because she's out of the relationship and doesn't want to go back into it in case it all goes to the pot again and she might have to end it resepecfully. She is trying to make you look like the bad guy.

Move out, get away from her. Stay close to your child though. What makes me sick is the bitch will probably make access for your child very limited (as in the good father gets nothing while the woman who probably cheated gets to call the shots). Fight tooth and nail. My advice really is to respect her decision with regards to the relationship, but don't let her take your child away from you. It's as much yours as it is hers.

who007

Wagon wrote: »

. "Just talking" to a guy from work after telling you a few lies and then getting picked up in a completely different area...doesn't seem right to me either. Can't blame you for being suspicious.

Stay close to your child though.

Agree 200%

Darr3nG

Right, not gonna try n' give you relationship advice, but as was said previously... you're wee boy comes first.

I found out after splitting up with my gf of 10yrs, that as an unmarried father in Ireland... I had absolutely no rights to my kids... Damn! I was stunned!

Read this and understand every word...

http://www.citizensinformation.ie/categories/birth-family-relationships/unmarried-couples/legal_guardianship_and_unmarried_couples

I was able to get joint guardianship by signing a declaration with a commissioner of oaths. My ex thought it was stupid at the time, but I kept the pressure on.

It means now, that I have full access to my kids and that they can never leave the country without my consent.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the input and you all make valid points. I just realised I probably made myself sound like a bit of a martyr in the first post. I haven’t been the best of boyfriends. I never cheated or anything. I just didn’t make an effort especially the past year. I have had my head in the sand with this and a lot of other issues including me Da being sick. I probably deserve this but it’s just so surreal how my life is going lately.

My gut feeling is that she was unhappy for a long time and then this guy came along and has swept her off her feet. (by the way I have confirmed that the guy who she was talking to last night is the guy from Friday). Now she is in an awkward situation (I think) were she wants to be with this guy but doesn’t want to hurt me. In some ways I actually feel sorry for her that she might have got herself into this situation.

We still talk and I have asked her to be frank and tell me what actually happening but she won’t tell. I think she doesn’t want family and friends to know about her shameful secret. I call it shameful because she was always disgusted to hear about people cheating. She used to say to me when I went on a night out that “If you cheat on me you’re cheating on [my son’s name]” and yet she has the nerve to do this.

I have made plans to move out but due to financial issues (Christmas) I can’t go anywhere for a while. I plan on sitting down with her tonight to discuss the practical things about my son and my departure. I will be amicable and respect her wishes but I will never forgive her for the way she has done this not to mention the timing.

My life revolved around this person and my son. That was probably one of reasons, she felt smothered or something but I just though I was being a good family man. I just feel robbed, robbed of my trust in women, robbed that my son is going to grow up not knowing what its like to be apart of a normal family and wondering what’s that going to do to his relationships and self esteem, robbed of the experience of my son running up to me shouting daaaa and hugging me every day as I walk in the door from work.

I would like to hear from a women who have been in this situation, might help me answer some of the questions I have buzzing round my head.

LegacyUser

Darr3nG wrote: »

Right, not gonna try n' give you relationship advice, but as was said previously... you're wee boy comes first.

I found out after splitting up with my gf of 10yrs, that as an unmarried father in Ireland... I had absolutely no rights to my kids... Damn! I was stunned!

Read this and understand every word...

http://www.citizensinformation.ie/categories/birth-family-relationships/unmarried-couples/legal_guardianship_and_unmarried_couples

I was able to get joint guardianship by signing a declaration with a commissioner of oaths. My ex thought it was stupid at the time, but I kept the pressure on.

It means now, that I have full access to my kids and that they can never leave the country without my consent.

Thanks for that. I have talked to her a little bit about this before and she has no problem with it or letting me see my son any time I want.

Wagon

Hurting wrote: »

She used to say to me when I went on a night out that “If you cheat on me you’re cheating on [my son’s name]” and yet she has the nerve to do this.

Bitch. I just don't get people like this.

My parents have been married for years. One of them went through serious depression and the other stuck by them and helped as best they could. They are still together and happy as larry. Point is, just because someone is going through a bad patch doesn't mean you cheat on them. You put up with their bull**** and be a shoulder to cry on when they need it. It works out in the end and you're both a lot stronger for it and just as in love. NOTHING is perfect. If she thought that the relationship was supposed to be then she has less cop on than me and I'm only 22.

Just noticed your post there about her letting you see your son whenever you liked. That's good news At least she's not a complete bitch about it. Sign that declaration though just in case she changes.

LegacyUser

Would you forgive her for cheating if se wanted to be with you? I'm just curious becuas, although this other guy may have swept her off her feet, that excitement doesn't last long. Maybe she was just bored and lonely