the quick turn and crash into personal oblivion

LegacyUser

sorry if the grammer and stuff is really bad ive been typing most with tears in my eyes or streaming down my face.


where do i start..... ill start where i am right now. I'm a 24 year old male, i have anxiety and depression (i wont use the term "suffer from" because it is way, way to weak in this case) and im in my sty of a bedroom covered in smoke butts and dirt. i have not left this room other than to go to the bathroom in 7 days. I have been on the comp and i have no problems talking to friends etc online and once i can put my mind to sumthing and not think for a period of time i am ok, this never lasts tho i get maybe an hour a day at most that i feel "normal".

Recently I've developed an irrattional fear of going outside, i tend to cry randomly for absolutly no reason and my depressive state is so ****in low that i have searched the house on 2 occassions in the last 2 weeks in the hope of finding something like rat poison or sleeping pills, just sumthing to take me away cause im gonna be honest, i cant take it anymore. my anxiety has gotten far worse than ever aswell which has me sitting around twitching/panicing at random intervals in really intense strength. I have no money, rent is due soon and i shall face some time on the streets im sure in the near future. I havnt eaten in about 3 days aswell but i dont seem to be feeling hungry (prolly cause of the depression). what else, eh, in november last year i dissappeared from a great job which had great prospects and i never particularly disliked and in turn ruined the holiday season for myself by being completly broke and unbearable to be around. I've also lost contact with my mother recently as she is fuming because the selfish sad waste of life that i am, i cudnt even get my hole out to a funeral of a relation that had always been great to me. lots of familty over from England too who im sure wud have asked about me to which my mother cud not have had an answer because i just had my phone off and never said anything. this may sound like its sumthing we cud resolve but all the other **** ive caused in her life when i was a teenager makes me know the diffrence this time it was the last straw.

I havnt seen my 5 year old daughter in 2 weeks which brings instant tears to my eyes. all i want is for to not have to feel the bs i do and to be happy but im so afraid of being the one who causes her any pain that i just stepped back and lost my connection with her( i have got to say this is the most painful thing ive ever had to admit and i just wanna be the father to her that i never had). I love her so much but being around me is not healthy for her right now.

My best friend kissed my Ex about 2 weeks ago so i stopped talking to them both which of course adds to my steady spiral as they were the two people i was closest to. I didnt get aggressive or physical with either of them or anything but i have refused to speak to them both. I just feel i cant trust anyone. anyone ive ever been close to bar maybe one friend (whom i lost contact with) has ****ed me over or has burned/hurt/ruined me in some way.

I just dont know what to do, i have no medication, i have no money to get my meds and im afraid to go to the social welfare because its outside the 4 walls i hide behind. Its bleak and my lack of faith in the human race means i dont know what the heck could help because i cant do anything when im sitting inside afraid to leave.

Wibbs

All of the above while really bad for you at the moment is fixable. Very little of anyones life is written in stone.

From the sticky; The Samaritans are a well trained group of volunteers available to talk to youabout any problems or life grievances you wish to talk about. www.samaritans.org or email jo@samaritans.org to get trained samaritan help via email. Alternatively dial 1850-609090 to speak in privacy and confidentiality. This is a link showing local samaritans in Ireland
http://www.samaritans.org/talk_to_so...h/ireland.aspx or maybe these fellas http://www.aware.ie The Aware loCall Helpline 1890 303 302

You reckon you can't do anything while stuck behind the four walls? IMHO I reckon you can. You could ring those numbers above for a start, or maybe check out the website. There are more websites and info in the stickies. Maybe take the first step in a zone you feel comfortable in? The next step then will be easier. It won't be easy, but it will be easier. Is there anyone you could ring in your family? Anyone at all?

Take little steps. Maybe when you're having one of your good moments, just get all the ciggy butts and stick em in the bin. Then ring the samaritans and see where that takes you. There is help available and you can turn things around. One step at a time.

Beruthiel

Go take a shower, leave the room and go to your GP, explain how you're feeling, he will be able to help you get back on your feet and face the first few weeks until you get yourself together.