I don't know how to be strong in a relationship

LegacyUser

Hello everyone,

First of all, I suffer from social anxiety. It used to be waaaay worse but I have a good handle on things now. I'm 26. I have a lot of friends, have had quite a few relationships and come across as a fairly outgoing and personable guy.. I hope

But everytime I enter a relationship it invariably goes down the same path of me loving them more than they do me. I don't know why it happens but I think it's down to the social anxiety. Basically I become the weak one who can't call the shots because I'm too infatuated with my other half.

As it happens I've met a great girl lately and we're going on a date next Saturday week. I'm just petrified that if we do end up as a couple that the relationship would be doomed before it started due to the emotional problems i'd be bringing into it.

I guess I'm just scared of getting my heart broken again. I want to have a normal relationship where we can talk openly and where I won't take emotional abuse lying down. I guess I just want to feel like a man rather than a doormat.

I'm not sure if anyone can offer adivce but I said I'd throw it out there anyway. Thanks for listening.

Why do you want to be a shotcaller, if that is not in your nature?
Why does there even have to be a shotcaller? Why can't there be mutual agreement and give and take?

I think maybe you have been unlucky with the type of the people you have been attracted to in the past.

The right relationship is about having support to grow into who you want to be. You have said it yourself, your infatuated with these women who aren't interested in you. How much of that has to do with them really?

Learn your lesson, if someone isn't treating you with due care, respect and attention. Accept that is their decision to make, dust yourself off and move on.

LegacyUser

OP i have social anxiety too and a general lack of confidence.

I am going to take a wild leap with this post

When you are in a relationship do you like them because you really like them or is it because you want to be liked back in return?

when you have very low self esteem it is easy to see everything in black and white. For example the 2 of you want to go see a film together. the girlfriend wants you to pick a film because she picked the last one. This puts you on the spot you want to pick a film that SHE would like but you dont want to come across as too wimpy. Eventually you pick one but the whole time you watch you are worrying if SHE likes it. When the film is over she said she likes it but did she really? or is she just saying that to please you? and if she didnt like it does that mean she didnt like you?

Do you suffer from a lack of confidence in other areas? Do you have anxiety? if so then you probably need counseling

pingpongz

You're putting the girl on a pedestal. Shes a girl, there are 3.5 billion of them. She is nothing special and neither will the next one be.

There are millions and millions of potential matches for you. There is no one true love, anyone who believes there is, is in my opinion stupid. We have our likes, we have our dislikes some people are more suited to each other than others.

If you have an emotional problem like you described, im willing to bet there are thousands of girls with the exact same problem. Dont stress, if it doesn't work out big deal. You're a man, take it on the shoulders and move on.

I would recommend reading some books about attraction and seduction, there are a number of good ones. PM if you want and i can point you in the right direction.

username123

I used to find that I constantly seemed to end up with guys who were unreliable. I would hear friends talk about their BFs and their BFs would call if they said they were going to, show if if they said they were going to, go to stuff that they wanted etc...

Mine didnt. It wasnt so much that I cared more, but I always seemed to be breaking it off with different guys for the same reasons!!

Anyway I eventually sat down and thought about what was happening. And I concluded that when I met a guy, the ones I agreed to see again were always the same types - because I was in the 'doing the dance of the familiar' zone with them.

To break out of it I rejected the next guy I met that I was attracted to and dated the next one who came up who I was less attracted to (attracted to on a first meeting basis - looks didnt come into it - it was how the person behaved I looked at).

I then found myself dating a guy who I faniced physically, but who I felt weird with personalitywise - because he always called when he said he would, always kept dates, etc...etc... I wasnt used to that at all so it felt all 'wrong' to me. And the missing drama felt weird too!!! I was used to chasing guys up and having rows about how they werent treating me right etc...
I also thought he was pretty straight compared to guys I usually dated - and although I equated straight with a little boring I stuck with it. (straight meaning he wasnt into any drugs (not that I was but a lot of the guys Id dated had been), or he wasnt trying to project a tough guy image, he cared about his family, he was interested in his career, and he wasnt into drinking/partying the way previous guys had been).

Anyway - now Im marrying the guy - so clearly it worked!

So in short - maybe you need to step outside of the familiar zone with the girls you are dating and try out someone who you wouldnt normally think of dating (all things being equal looks wise). Because you could subconsiously going for the same 'types' all the time.

Altar_Ego_Boy

pingpongz wrote: »

You're putting the girl on a pedestal. Shes a girl, there are 3.5 billion of them. She is nothing special and neither will the next one be.

.

+1

This is a good way of looking at it OP.

You should lower your expectations going into a relationship. If you invest emotion too fast then you are ripe for having your heart broken.

Just try and adapt a cooler attitude when you are with a prospective partner.

Easier said than done I know but the more you worry about if your g/f reciprocates your intense feelings, the lower your confidence will be (and, as I learned myself, the more likely it is she will be turned off you).