Settling?

LegacyUser

Hi there, I think I know what everyones response will be if any but I split from my ex of 6 years just over a year ago.It ended very badly,was a combination of him cheating,bullying,and other major problems.I always thought I would end up with him but I knew I had to get out and I am glad no I did cos there was no future in it, only heartache. Anyway,roll on til now,my very good friend who has made no secret of the fact that he loves every bone in my body and I have started seeing each other, I am female 26 and he is 33.We get on great but I am finding it very hard to get physical with him as I dont find him attractive at all.My ex was over 6ft 4 and my new guy is just over 5 ft.I am 5ft 6 and I feel like a monster beside him.I know he adores the ground I walk on,he would never cheat,I would be treated like a queen cos he is a wealthy doctor, but I just cant seem to let him into my life. I have been out with his family on several occasions and they think this is it for him cos he has been chasing me for years and finally just before xmas I decided to give him a chance. We had an episode about 6 months ago where I went to a wedding with him but I had made it clear that we were going as friends but he tried it on big time that weekend and I was so cross with him, it caused us to fall out for 4 mths.He really is the best in the world,but everything he seems to do wrecks my head,I tell him this and he says he'll do whatever it takes to keep me.so basically I call all the shots and he'll be the lapdog. I have asked him that we take things easy but without an exaggeration he asks me every morning what I am up to for the day and I feel like I have to answer to him all the time.I'm not exaggerating this,I have never been in a situation where I have the upper hand and I just cant handle it. I am hopefully going to be starting a new course in March where I'll be gone from sun to fri,I have promised him that I will attend a wedding with him at the end of jan,but I really feel that there is no future for us,I can never see myself settling down with him.He has already said that he hopes I wont let him down for the wedding at the end of jan, but I know I'll feel like a super witch if I dont go.He wants me to be stuck to him 24/7 and I just cant do that cos thats the way my last situation was.friends of mine have described him as a burner,and thats the way I'm starting to feel like. I am a super witch really.HELP!!

Beruthiel

Unregistered wrote: »

I dont find him attractive at all

This is the only comment in that whole post that was actually needed to explain everything.

Why you even started going out with him is beyond me.
There is NO future for your relationship if you are not attracted to him and you are being very cruel indeed to give the poor lad any hope at all.

Do the right thing for him, and yourself, and don't lead him on any further.

Oryx

You need to be blunt and cut him off. Dont do things cos you want to be nice. Dont agree to anything so you arent a 'witch'. You dont fancy him, this thing has no future, and all the puppy dog adoration in the world from him wont change that.

So be tough, tell him straight, and dont see him again. If that makes you a b!tch, then sometimes being a b!tch is the best thing.

Kirnsy

dump his ass.

be strong and make a clean break

Xiney

In addition to not finding him attractive, there are a few other major issues with this guy.

This:

Unregistered wrote: »

We had an episode about 6 months ago where I went to a wedding with him but I had made it clear that we were going as friends but he tried it on big time that weekend and I was so cross with him, it caused us to fall out for 4 mths.

contradicts this:

Unregistered wrote: »

He really is the best in the world

Then this, which in my opinion is a big red flag.

Unregistered wrote: »

I have asked him that we take things easy but without an exaggeration he asks me every morning what I am up to for the day and I feel like I have to answer to him all the time.

Finally,

Unregistered wrote: »

I have never been in a situation where I have the upper hand

I don't think you have the upper hand here, OP. I think he's coming off strong and controlling. I think you should be single for a while and get to know your likes and dislikes, gain some confidence and independence. Heal from the destructive relationships in your past before embarking on a new adventure.

Treat your soul like it has a sprained ankle from falling down while running - sit with your foot up for a while and you'll be up and running again in no time.

TripleAce

Would love to read this but I can't take my eyes through that pain.

kiwikid

there is a school of thought that says you should always marry someone who loves you more than you love them - for security reasons I suppose.
But i think for that to work you need to love him even a little bit and you don't so i think you are wasting your own time here.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies,I know what I have to do cos I can never see myself settling down with him, I dont want to break his heart either.Thats why I am hoping if I get this course I'll be able to make that clean break and just walk away from it all.I thought when we started going out that I could change him someway but I am just settling. I mean he is talking of this time next year having a ring on my finger etc and I am screaming inside at the thought of it.When I was with my ex I wanted it all with him, but now I feel like I am a commitment phobe.

LegacyUser

Don't settle - you'll end up having no respect for him and perhaps end up hating him. Put him out of his misery - you have no future with this man.

Miss Fluff

Girl, you are only 26. Why on earth would you feel the need to panic buy in this way? As Beruthiel very rightly pointed out, why to goodness are you even with him when you don't even fancy him?

Wibbs

He's both weak and controlling. That beyond his physical appearance is most likely why you don't fancy him. Not fancying him is a big red flag. It won't come with time and if he's this clingy controlling and weak your contempt for him will only rise. Your wuss detector is in the red. Listen to it.

MagicMarker

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi there, I think I know what everyones response will be if any but I split from my ex of 6 years just over a year ago.It ended very badly,was a combination of him cheating,bullying,and other major problems.

It's unfortunate that you left a user to become a user.

Yes, he's not exactly helping himself by the way he acts. But that doesn't give you the right to play on his feelings. He's obviously head over heals with you and now he'll be absolutely destroyed because you thought it would be a good idea to opt for the ''wealthy doctor'' instead of someone you actually cared for.

LegacyUser

MagicMarker wrote: »

It's unfortunate that you left a user to become a user.

Yes, he's not exactly helping himself by the way he acts. But that doesn't give you the right to play on his feelings. He's obviously head over heals with you and now he'll be absolutely destroyed because you thought it would be a good idea to opt for the ''wealthy doctor'' instead of someone you actually cared for.

To be honest I didnt go into this lightly, it kinda just happened.It shouldnt have and I am not using him at all.He knows I am commitment phobic at the moment.I am not cheating on him,not proclaiming my undying love for him falsely and have never taken a penny or presents from him.He wants to spend every minute of every day with me, and I have not played on that because I have told him that we are taking things easy, I mean I see him once a week, I called to see him mon nite and barely stayed an hour.I have had nothing more physical with him than a kiss. I just dont want to break his heart.

I didnt settle for money,that never mattered to me and he knows that. To be honest I hate the way he was born with a silver spoon,its being spoilt rotten and not being able to be independent of anyone that has made him so clingy. All of his family are the same.I meant what I said,when he was chasing me,if he didnt text me, his mum would come into where I worked and have a big long chat with me just getting to know me, pretending she didnt know me.Its has put pressure on both of us cos as I said his family all reckon this is it for him.When I end it with him, they are going to blame him cos he has messed up every other relationship he was in.Its not his fault for once.Its going to make me feel even worse.I just thought that my own personal situation needed settling,as the last year things have been up and down with different guys.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
You state quite clearly that you don't fancy this guy physically. Also he has other issues too(as do we all).
I was in a long relationship with a man I did not find attractive. He wasn't ugly or anything but the chemistry was all wrong.
Please don't continue with this guy, it won't improve at all. I am way older than you are and have found such a difference where the physical thing is great. The little irritating things that we all do (cos we all have annoying traits),well they are just SO much more annoying when the there's no phyical attraction. When you fall out as every couple does,how do you make up when their touch makes you cringe? When you are worn out from a crying baby and look terrible then you REALLY need physical attraction with your fella cos it makes you feel like a woman and not just a frumpy mammy..if wasn't there before babies then it will be terrible afterwards. Is that the life you want? If you are like most women you will have a sex drive well beyond the menopause...so you have years and years of a frustrating life if you stay with him.
OP I am so glad I got out. He will be sad for a while and you may have to fudge the truth a little but if the chemistry is wrong it's over before it begins.
To thine own self be true......

starchild

hi op, i think the longer this goes on the more hurt he will be as he will grow closer and closer to you

i think you are 100% genuine in that you are his friend and dont want to hurt him by leaving but if you have no intention of staying with him you need to walk and walk now

perhaps you are not aware of it & i know in an earlier post you said you werent but i think you are using him (perhaps unconsciously) to get over your ex & if you are honest with yourself you will see that this is so unfair on him

Hoping you get a course is not an easy way out its a cowards way out in that you will feel better but he will still not truly understand how you feel

its still early days & you can do this gently & still remain friends with him, the longer it goes on the harder it will be

just make sure he knows that you still love him as a friend and want him in your life as that

he may chose to cut contact for a while & im sure you wont mind if that helps him

best of luck

LegacyUser

You are not responsible for this man's feelings!
He is responsible for his feelings and how he reacts to the breakup.

You are however, responsible for your actions .....

1. in being true to YOURself and what is right for YOU and what makes YOU happy and

2. in being fair and honest with him.....do not lead him up the garden path here. You say he is a friend, so treat him as one. Let him know the truth NOW, not after the wedding, not when you go to collage.

He has already put pressure on you in the past when you went to a wedding as friends. Now he is putting pressure on you 'not to let him down for this next wedding'.
I know you say he is the best in the world but come on, he knows what he is doing here. He is being controlling and possibly taking advantage of your lack of assertivness and being too nice.

His mother and family have no business in your relationship. His family sound unhealthly close knit.... a 33 year old's mother going to your workplace to help woo you!!!! Stay clear! As you said I'm sure they are nice people but would they be as considerate of your feelings if it was he wanting to break up with you. I doubt it!!!

Be assertive
take responsibility for your own life and happiness and remember
you only live once, don't live a life that isn't for you.

goodluck with the course...x.

Leitrim lass

You seriously need to put yourself first here and what you want.
You are not responsible for his emotions.

You are responsible for your own and so far you have not taken any.
You stayed in an emotionally abusive relationship for 6 years and now you find yourself in a relationship with a man you don't love.
Stop doing this to yourself.
Do what is right for you for a change. You are supposed to be in control of your own life but you seem to be handing it over to these men.

Him loving you is not enough. He may be a nice man but remember that he has disrespected your feelings in the past when he tried it on after you insisted you were just friends.
Now he is ignoring what you said about wanting to take it easy and is taking about a ring on your finger. He is not listening to what you want. He is going for what he wants and again ignoring your feelings.

Do you think it's possible that you give off signals of being unassertive and possibly a pushover and that you attract men who manipulate this?in other words controlers.
You sound like a sincere caring person but you seem to be putting other people's feelings before your own. It's ok to be selfish as long as you're not deliberately hurting others and in this case you need to be selfish and do what feels right for you not him.
Don't let it go any further. Tell him that you have great respect for him as a friend but that you don't want to take it any further than that. Tell him that you need to put yourself first and do what's right for you not him. Be clear and assertive about it this time. Make sure he understands that you are serious.
Sorry if i sound cold hearted, but you seem to be taking too much responsibility for his feelings and not enough for your own. He is a grown man and will get through it, same as you had to get through the breakup with your ex.

LegacyUser

Leitrim lass wrote: »

You seriously need to put yourself first here and what you want.
You are not responsible for his emotions.

You are responsible for your own and so far you have not taken any.
You stayed in an emotionally abusive relationship for 6 years and now you find yourself in a relationship with a man you don't love.
Stop doing this to yourself.
Do what is right for you for a change. You are supposed to be in control of your own life but you seem to be handing it over to these men.

Him loving you is not enough. He may be a nice man but remember that he has disrespected your feelings in the past when he tried it on after you insisted you were just friends.
Now he is ignoring what you said about wanting to take it easy and is taking about a ring on your finger. He is not listening to what you want. He is going for what he wants and again ignoring your feelings.

Do you think it's possible that you give off signals of being unassertive and possibly a pushover and that you attract men who manipulate this?in other words controlers.
You sound like a sincere caring person but you seem to be putting other people's feelings before your own. It's ok to be selfish as long as you're not deliberately hurting others and in this case you need to be selfish and do what feels right for you not him.
Don't let it go any further. Tell him that you have great respect for him as a friend but that you don't want to take it any further than that. Tell him that you need to put yourself first and do what's right for you not him. Be clear and assertive about it this time. Make sure he understands that you are serious.
Sorry if i sound cold hearted, but you seem to be taking too much responsibility for his feelings and not enough for your own. He is a grown man and will get through it, same as you had to get through the breakup with your ex.

Thank you,that just summed me up and I'm not proud of it.But it also summed him up to a tee also. I am going to meet him tomorrow and sort it out.I do have great respect for him,but as a friend.No matter how much it hurts him and I hurt for hurting him, its for the best in the long run.Thanks everyone