Too Soon?

LegacyUser

Hi broke up with fiancee 7 weeks ago, her decision not mine. Since then have been running around in circles with her, mixed messages mainly text all the time such as "I miss you" and "wish I was at home with you" etc. It's becoming clear though I wish different that she is not going to be coming back, unless of course she does a complete u-turn which doesn't look likely.

Anyway haven't heard from her in the last 3 days, longest since we finished and it looks like thats it really, last message said she's better now after chatting about it with one of her best mates who says she made the right decision.

Head has been all over the place since this started, mainly due to getting contradicting messages that just kept keeping hopes of sorting this out alive. I have since the start tried to see life going on without her in it, all plans for the next 40 odd years gone. I've realised as long as I had hope of us getting through this I was never going to be able to move on as she is clearly doing.

So the question is, and this may sound cold or callous, is it too soon to start dating? Believe me I don't want to do this, the only one since I met her I was ever interested in was her, but at the moment I really can't see me managing to get over her until I do start to see other people. To remind myself that she is not the only girl in the world, though until recently for me she was.

thanks for reading

LegacyUser

If it is over for good then no, it is not too early. However, if there is any chance of you getting back together it would probably be ruined by you being with someone else. If you do date, i think you should be really careful and keep it casual. I personally recommend getting over it without dating, so that your next relationship will be one that you genuinely wanted to get into. Try spending time with family and friends, keep yourself occupied with hobbies, maybe start a course. Try to build a nice fulfilling life without her so when you meet someone else you have something to bring to the table rather than investing all you happiness in a person from the beginning.

MagicMarker

There's no harm in dating. But don't jump into a relationship with the first girl you meet. It won't work.

Keep things casual, make sure the girls know it's casual and have fun.

LegacyUser

been in the exact same position last year, everything down the tube , marriage plans, house etc.... it was the toughest time ive ever had..went round in circles for a while, then i realised it was never going to happen with her..i went to the gym , became very chatty, went to every party, was wondering about the dating thing so gave it a shot. Started telling all my friends i was looking, asked any girl friends if they had any single friends that would like to go for a nice night out, no pressure just fun. I must admit i got so many dates through that way.. I even asked a polish guy in the gym if he had any friends looking for a date and a good night out....and he did :0

first date, not the best as i was comparing the girl to my ex in every way.....which made me more depressed.

took stock of what i was doing and realised i should be having fun and not looking for another marriage right away.... After a couple of dates i was starting to enjoy them and really got to know some lovely girls...

then the most amazing girl walked into my life.......im still with her....and could not be happier....
there are times when i think of my ex and sometimes i have bitterness with what happened but i have moved on , she has moved on and i am happy...
unfortunatley i still have to hear about her as we are going through legal stuff with property.

use this time as self discovery and time to have some fun....i certainly was enjoying myself until i got stuck again

kiwikid

how about telling her you have been asked on a date and you wanted to tell her incase she saw you out and was shocked etc. that you love her but its over now. then the ball is in her court and if she is acting the maggot and actually wants you back you should know fairly sharpish

Wibbs

Unregistered wrote: »

If it is over for good then no, it is not too early.

Ahh but there's the rub. Is it over for good? Not the relationship, but the emotional stuff, he has to sift through and sort in his own head first.

I would say yes, you should go out on dates, flirt, have a bit of fun, etc. But I would be very careful of getting into anything more than that. Too much chance of projecting what's lost onto someone new, or going for someone new so you don't have to deal with the loss. That's rebound time and not good for you or the other person involved. If you broke your leg playing footie, no one would suggest you take up footie until the cast comes off. I'd say the same here.

Date yes, but be careful about playing with your or someone elses emotions.

Wibbs

kiwikid wrote: »

how about telling her you have been asked on a date and you wanted to tell her incase she saw you out and was shocked etc. that you love her but its over now. then the ball is in her court and if she is acting the maggot and actually wants you back you should know fairly sharpish

Sounds OK in theory, but if she's even the hint of a brain in her head, she will spot that a mile off and it won't work. The opposite in fact. He'll look like an eejit.

The best way for the OP to get her back(if he even wanted to) is to get himself back and move on.

kiwikid

Wibbs wrote: »

Sounds OK in theory, but if she's even the hint of a brain in her head, she will spot that a mile off and it won't work. The opposite in fact. He'll look like an eejit.

The best way for the OP to get her back(if he even wanted to) is to get himself back and move on.

you are right however staying single and "friends" while she sends him mixed messages is making him look gimpy to me anyway. I don't believe in that ****e after a breakup. My theory is if someone is not sure I am fabulous they are not worth another minute and i break all contact. This guy is being strung along.

Wibbs

Oh I agree kiwikid. It sounds like in the Op's case the ex has hopefully for his sake ended contact. Though TBH I reckon this lack of contact won't last on her side. 3 days is not enough.

If she's been sending the mixed messages and is in "confused" mode, then the resolve from the chat with her mate probably won't last. She'll likely contact again. On the quiet. Though if she did want to try again, or is thinking along those line, the fact that her mate has told her it was the best decision will hold her back IME. She'll lose too much face.

I further suspect she may be in full headwreck mode, until she meets someone else. If she has already met someone else, then although the OP will be hurt by all this, his ex is the one in real trouble.

kittensoft1984

It seems like she doesnt really know what she wants at the moment.

In answer to your question, I do think its too soon to start dating again. I dont think you are in the right frame of mind. Also if she gets back in contact again, it will mess you up even more.

I think the best route to go with it is to have a heart to heart with her. And not through texts, face to face.

Only when you do this, will you know what is really happening. And can finally move on your life.

LegacyUser

Hi OP again, thanks for all the replies. Should have been a bit clearer, by dating I meant just that, out for a drink, bite to eat, cinema etc. Didn't mean hump everything in sight or try to start a new relationship right away. Don't think I'd be ready for that and don't want to screw some poor girls head up as a consequence.

Chances of things being worked out with the ex seem non-existent, since the day we broke up I have been the only one who has seemed willing to fight for us. She gave up straight away and though she has seemed to want to come back has not allowed herself. To clarify we broke up over something I did, I wasn't with anyone (never been unfaithful), wasn't abusive physically or mentally (couldn't if I tried), I just did something so completely out of character she said she doesn't see me the same anymore and has decided she never knew me. She has done her best to burn any bridges by telling God knows what to her family etc leaving little room for her to change her mind. I know it was because she was so angry to begin with, but I wasn't given the option to explain what happened.
The explanation as it turned out made sense of everything and makes what I did a lot easier to understand.
The one friend of hers who actually knows both sides did ask her if she could not give me at least a chance but I think she made the decision on day 1 not to allow herself to come back and hard as that has been, seems determined not to be swayed.
So much so she has refused to meet me in case she changed her mind. I have tried to hold onto hope, but doing so has been killing me. In 7 weeks I have lost 3 stone, slept on average 3 hours a night, missed so much work I know think I'm in danger of losing my job. If that happened I could lose my house.

Just wanted to know if I am being a bastard for even thinking about it I guess. Does thinking of doing this mean my ex meant so little to me? I know I love her, more than I've ever loved anyone, but is it time to let that go? Never imagined myself single again so a bit of a loss what to do. As I have had no control or decision making power over the situation for the last seven weeks I have been in limbo. Maybe it's time to regain control of my own life

kiwikid

well you have to thank her for the 3 stomne loss. you must have had it to lose! messing aside sometimes love doesn't work out and you can either wallow for months or move on. This idea of i can't move on because it will hurt or upset her - why do you care? she does not care enough for you.

Wibbs

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi OP again, thanks for all the replies. Should have been a bit clearer, by dating I meant just that, out for a drink, bite to eat, cinema etc. Didn't mean hump everything in sight or try to start a new relationship right away. Don't think I'd be ready for that and don't want to screw some poor girls head up as a consequence.

Good call there.

Chances of things being worked out with the ex seem non-existent, since the day we broke up I have been the only one who has seemed willing to fight for us. She gave up straight away and though she has seemed to want to come back has not allowed herself. To clarify we broke up over something I did, I wasn't with anyone (never been unfaithful), wasn't abusive physically or mentally (couldn't if I tried), I just did something so completely out of character she said she doesn't see me the same anymore and has decided she never knew me.

OK this one thing, doesn't really matter what it is, but did this come up before? Not the actual thing, but maybe the character trait behind it? Now I could be way of base here, but are you sure it was only this one thing. Unless it was something like abuse or abuse of trust, a one off, will rarely enough make someone who is in love make such a quick decision. Put it this way, we all know women(and men) in dodgy even abusive relationships that stick with the partner. Why? interdependence, no other options in their mind or they simply still fancy them. IMHO anyway. Major supposition time here on my part and I could be wrong, but I suspect this was brewing for a time before. She was either thinking of a possible end, or was in that transition between the initial romance and the really long term future with you. The "incident" was the final straw so to speak.

She has done her best to burn any bridges by telling God knows what to her family etc leaving little room for her to change her mind.

Bolstering her decision. natural and common enough.

I know it was because she was so angry to begin with, but I wasn't given the option to explain what happened.

Well anger will do that.

The explanation as it turned out made sense of everything and makes what I did a lot easier to understand.

So you can objectively see how she would see this as a breaking up serious thing?

The one friend of hers who actually knows both sides did ask her if she could not give me at least a chance but I think she made the decision on day 1 not to allow herself to come back and hard as that has been, seems determined not to be swayed.

If it wasn't abusive or a serious breach of trust(cheating etc) then I'm still a bit dubious about the reason.

So much so she has refused to meet me in case she changed her mind.

Hard one aright. It sounds like she does still have feelings for you. Naturally. Strong ones. Some incident is all I can say.

I have tried to hold onto hope, but doing so has been killing me. In 7 weeks I have lost 3 stone, slept on average 3 hours a night, missed so much work I know think I'm in danger of losing my job. If that happened I could lose my house.

Well then for the moment, forget about her entirely. You need to look to yourself. You're the important thing now. If you need to, well then seek help, from friends family or even a visit to your GP, if it's effecting you this much.

Just wanted to know if I am being a bastard for even thinking about it I guess. Does thinking of doing this mean my ex meant so little to me? I know I love her, more than I've ever loved anyone, but is it time to let that go? Never imagined myself single again so a bit of a loss what to do. As I have had no control or decision making power over the situation for the last seven weeks I have been in limbo. Maybe it's time to regain control of my own life

The last line sums it up. Take back control of your life. Forget about thinking you're a bastard. Yes you screwed up, but that has passed and she has made a decision on the back of that. Take the first step in moving on. If even only in your own head. Get yourself back and the rest will fall into place, whatever that rest happens to be.

Unregistered

Unregistered wrote: »

Maybe it's time to regain control of my own life

Why does that have to involve dating?
Why not focus on getting into a better place in yourself.

I can't help thinking that dating other people, when your love with someone is only going to hurt you.

LegacyUser

Wibbs wrote: »

OK this one thing, doesn't really matter what it is, but did this come up before? Not the actual thing, but maybe the character trait behind it? Now I could be way of base here, but are you sure it was only this one thing. Unless it was something like abuse or abuse of trust, a one off, will rarely enough make someone who is in love make such a quick decision. Put it this way, we all know women(and men) in dodgy even abusive relationships that stick with the partner. Why? interdependence, no other options in their mind or they simply still fancy them. IMHO anyway. Major supposition time here on my part and I could be wrong, but I suspect this was brewing for a time before. She was either thinking of a possible end, or was in that transition between the initial romance and the really long term future with you. The "incident" was the final straw so to speak.

don't want to go into detail, but yes an indication of it had surfaced previously and I know it had bothered her, just didn't realise how much. I also didn't realise what it was, but it was connected with a head injury I sustained years previously. Since this has happened I have been attending professional help from an association that specialises in this type of aquired trait which is actually common for those who have suffered a brain injury. On my part it was psychological and was not as such permanent. The sessions I have been attending since this happened plus support of family and friends seems to have worked it out of my mind. I'm just so sorry I never knew that firstly this is a known consequence of a head injury, and also treatable. I had always thought it was just me and didn't know how to talk about it. I'd forgotten it had never been in my head prior to the assault.

Wibbs wrote: »

Hard one aright. It sounds like she does still have feelings for you. Naturally. Strong ones. Some incident is all I can say. Well then for the moment, forget about her entirely. You need to look to yourself. You're the important thing now. If you need to, well then seek help, from friends family or even a visit to your GP, if it's effecting you this much.

she texted the whole week before last with loving messages, i.e. miss you, wish I was lying beside you, good night my love, I love you, etc. Last week this changed as she was attending interviews the other side of the country so my head was all over the place.

The one thing she has repeated all along is she needs to take a break. Each time though she would be back in contact normally within hours. After the weekend just past this was not mentioned, simply she feels better after talking with her friend and talk to you soon.

If it is over why will she talk to me soon? This is what has been doing my head in, everytime she leaves the door slightly open but I don't think at this stage she has any intention of coming back. My hopes have been dashed so many times over the last 7 weeks I simply cannot afford at this stage to hope anymore though I know deep down if she did finally wish to talk I would be there.

LegacyUser

Moonbaby wrote: »

Why does that have to involve dating?
Why not focus on getting into a better place in yourself.

I can't help thinking that dating other people, when your love with someone is only going to hurt you.

OP again. I know what you're saying and maybe you're right. Originally the whole idea of being with someone other than her was alien to me, and I'm still not sure if I could face it currently. I think the only reason I'm even considering it this week where I haven't before is I'm finally facing the fact that it looks like it is well and truly over. She has said repeatedly she loves me, can't see herself ever getting over me and other such things, but her head has been all over the place since this started so I don't know what she is going to say one minute to the next. The one thing she has said since the day this started is she could never marry me after this, and if she can't do that there is no point in being with me.

Maybe it's just natural progression in getting back to focusing on me rather than "us". Considering dating doesn't mean I am going to start tomorrow. At the same time I really don't want to find myself in a position that I decide to hold on and be "true" to her only to find out 4 months down the line she has been seeing someone for a while and then have to go through all this again. I don't think I could handle that.

ElStuardo

You need to start moving away from seeing her or contacting her,maybe shel come back to you ya never know ,but untill she makes that move you need to presume its over and start putting your life back on track .If you dont youl end up in a rut.

Wibbs

Unregistered wrote: »

don't want to go into detail, but yes an indication of it had surfaced previously and I know it had bothered her, just didn't realise how much. I also didn't realise what it was, but it was connected with a head injury I sustained years previously. Since this has happened I have been attending professional help from an association that specialises in this type of aquired trait which is actually common for those who have suffered a brain injury. On my part it was psychological and was not as such permanent. The sessions I have been attending since this happened plus support of family and friends seems to have worked it out of my mind. I'm just so sorry I never knew that firstly this is a known consequence of a head injury, and also treatable. I had always thought it was just me and didn't know how to talk about it. I'd forgotten it had never been in my head prior to the assault.

Bloody hell that's tough. Maybe I'm being too judgemental and of course I don't know the full dealio, but if it bothered her that much then she should have had the simple manners to bring this up and not let it fester to a point where it has come to this. If I love someone and there is a hardship that comes up, I deal with it. I deal with my issues with it first. Only then can be of use to the person I love. Otherwise I'm as useful as a chocolate fireguard.

she texted the whole week before last with loving messages, i.e. miss you, wish I was lying beside you, good night my love, I love you, etc. Last week this changed as she was attending interviews the other side of the country so my head was all over the place.

Headwreck central. Oh I've been there mate, or very similar. More than once. "Miss you/confused/Love you/dunno what I'm doing/wish you were here with me/bla bla". My theory down the line? "I love you, etc", means diddly. Nada. It's largely BS and selfish behaviour. It's all about how they feel and how their decision is affecting them. It's sweet FA to do with you, though it can feel like that. I'm sorry you either love someone and want to be with them ad are indeed with them and work towards that, or you love them and want the best for them so you keep your own issues to yourself and let them go. I make no apologies for being that black and white.

The one thing she has repeated all along is she needs to take a break. Each time though she would be back in contact normally within hours

Which is lying to herself and you. Watch how fast that changes when she meets someone else(though sometimes it doesn't and then you're talking real headwreck).

After the weekend just past this was not mentioned, simply she feels better after talking with her friend and talk to you soon.

Some people need social validation for their decisions and actions. Some more than others and I have to say in my experience, that's more the case with women than men. Looking at people I know and have known, when the blokes have broken up I find out afterward(sometimes long afterward and as an aside) and they may look for advice from their mates, but not to the same degree. The women I've known? In the majority of cases, I and their other mates have known they were dumping the boyfriend long before he found out. They also looked for more validation from their peers for the decision afterward. And you know sometimes they were dead right to dump the guy and sometimes they were wrong too. They have sadly lived to regret it too.

If it is over why will she talk to me soon?

She's in emotional panic. Is second guessing her decision and wondering if she over reacted. As she doesn't know what she wants, though she knows something had to give, she seeks outside validation for that decision, which makes her feel better about teh decision. This rarely lasts and if she goes a fortnight without contacting you I would be surprised. The "just want to see how you are" call/text. This gives her an emotional fix and in some cases, lets her know that there's a safety net if she does decide to go back, or until someone else takes over. That's when the lack of contact will stick more often than not.

This is what has been doing my head in,

Bloody right it does. That would wreck the head of man, woman, the dog on the street.

everytime she leaves the door slightly open but I don't think at this stage she has any intention of coming back.

She probably doesn't know herself TBH.

My hopes have been dashed so many times over the last 7 weeks I simply cannot afford at this stage to hope anymore though I know deep down if she did finally wish to talk I would be there.

Agreed on the hanging on to hope bit. OK now you can take this with a large pinch of salt, but if I was you?

First thing. Accept it's over. This will be hard, so to make it easier, accept at least that what you had with this person is over. She wants a break from you? well then give her that breakup, that she's pussyfooted around.

9 times outa 10 break = breakup. I'd also reckon that half the time a break becomes a breakup because of the actions of the person being dumped.

Secondly, if and when she does contact you, agree with her. Agree her reasons were valid and you can see why. If she brings up the mate, agree with her mate too. Tell her you disagree that it couldn't be worked out, but you respect her thoughts and decision. Do not blame her, or seek to make her feel guilty. Do not bring up the relationship itself. Do not get into a back and forth on the incident. Just calmly accept her decision. Sounds counter productive, but it's not. Regardless of whether she rethinks her decision or not.

Thirdly, wish her well, Tell her you will always have fond memories of her and your time together.

Fourthly, tell her that you would prefer if she didn't contact you as it will do neither of you any good. It will stop her moving on too. Tell her you both need a fresh start.

Fifthly, do all of the above calmly and with affection. This is a woman you say you love/loved? well then when you talk with her, try and forget your own needs. fake it if you have to.

Finally, start to move on. Go out on dates. Meet new people, men and women. Look at your life and areas you see could do with a face lift and go for that. This is the perfect time to do so. Join a gym, get fit and hunky, travel, whatever you want to do. Keep up your treatment for your head injury. Treat yourself. Retail therapy isnt just for sex and the city.:) Re discover yourself. If this seems hard to do and it will be at times, well then think on it this way, you will be more attrctive to your ex and more to the point the rest of the world if you do this. You'll grow and learn from this. By her leaving she may have given you a bigger gift than you realise now. Yes the wrapping on the gift is shítty, but the gift is worth it, if you are willing to open it.

My 2 cents anyway.

LegacyUser

OP again. Thanks Wibbs, some good advice there and a lot of it echoes my own thoughts. It's hard to explain what was going on in my head, was very elusive and to be honest I thought it had gone completely. Not something I could ever bring myself to talk about, least of all with her (now I know why). Hard to talk about something when firstly you don't understand it, and secondly the very thing that has something wrong with it is telling you it's alright.

The only good thing I have seen coming out of this is that what has been an unknown source of depression and confusion for years has now been brought out into the light. Not to say I was constantly depressed etc, but only now have I finally realised how much of a burden it actually was. This has been pointed out to me again and again by my family and friends that I am now the person I was before it happened, the person I'd forgotten. It's very hard to explain, as up until now I was in no position to be able to compare myself pre and post injury.

It's just heartbreaking that she will not be around to benefit from it. All other aspects of our relationship were more or less perfect, and up until the final incident (or straw though I wasn't aware I was on any warning let alone last), the consequences of my injury had had very little impact other than a tendency of mine to drink on my own in the house when wer were not going out for the weekend, something I've only recently remembered with help from the psychologist only started after my injury.

Even that had very little impact as I don't tend to suffer hangovers and would always be up before her anyway even if she had had 6 hours more sleep than me. It would be at most one night, and only on a weekend when we didn't go out. I am also completely non-agressive sober or drunk so that had no bearing. The drinking alone has stopped now, stopped directly after this and now I know the reasons behind it i.e. reclusive behaviour following the assualt that spiralled out of control as I left home and lived on my own abroad for quite some time, I no longer feel the need for it or the illusionary safety it seemed to provide.

I'm thinking if she does get back in touch just to ask does she at any point see us getting back to together or does she have the courage to at least try.
If she says she doesn't know I will have to tell her until she does and is prepared to give us a chance as a couple there is no point in any contact.
If she answers no then much of what you suggested Wibbs will apply.
If she says yes (highly unlikely) I will ask her to meet and talk.

starchild

i think time might be the key here, she is sending you mixed messages but her last message puts a little bit of finality to it. You may be right in that she has made it very difficult to go back to you with whatever she told family/friends. If that is true over time it may change

Its clear you still love her and maybe the best way you can express that love is to let her have the time and space she needs.

i think the best way you can proceed is to treat this as finished until you hear otherwise from her. Let her make any future move. Then you will know where you stand.

In the meantime live your life, dont lose your belief in yourself, where you are at is a horrible place one which many who post here have been but you will come through it, focus as much as you can on the present with as many activities as you can except drink. Jogging is the best imo

keep strong man

LegacyUser

starchild wrote: »

Its clear you still love her and maybe the best way you can express that love is to let her have the time and space she needs.

i think the best way you can proceed is to treat this as finished until you hear otherwise from her. Let her make any future move. Then you will know where you stand.

In the meantime live your life, dont lose your belief in yourself, where you are at is a horrible place one which many who post here have been but you will come through it, focus as much as you can on the present with as many activities as you can except drink. Jogging is the best imo

keep strong man

yeah space is all I've been trying to give her from the start, plus be there for her over Christmas if she needed me. lost count of the number of breaks she said she needed and would then be back in touch within hours. maybe that is what she is finally doing now, or maybe it's permanent.

Anyway I'm done with second guessing, it's been wrecking my mind for nearly two months while I'm trying to rebuild it minus aquired traits so not been healthy.

So yeah just got to get on with my life I guess and over time things with herself may change, not banking on it or allowing myself that dream anymore though, been let down to many times already. Rejoined the gym anyway before Christmas, only really started going since the New Year as the music in there in the lead up to Christmas was doing my head in (bah humbug all the way!), have to drag myself there at the moment but got a few mates who are going with me so good motivator. Feel a lot better afterwards, also get a better nights sleep for a change.

Just a quick question, directed at one or two people who posted similar breakups. If you don't mind me asking what age were you? Should be immaterial I know, just playing on my mind as I just turned 38. Always thought to be a Daddy before I was 40

LegacyUser

ok looks like I might be back to square one here. Got a text Friday asking about a friend of mine who is in hospital at the moment, (she got on very well with this friend, two of them would go to chick flicks together etc). Anyway nothing much, just asked about her and said pass on her regards which I said I would.

Roll onto Sunday, another text asking about my friend and also how I am. Replied I'm ok and so is my friend. Got a call an hour later asking how I am, then just talked about my friend really. Strange conversation, she's back from her homeplace and staying with friends of hers just a few miles from me. I said it was really weird knowing she's only 10 min away and she said she didn't want to be back at all but doesn't know what the story was with the job she applied for at home.

Very disconnected conversation, almost like she was talking to a friend as she said this unaware of the effect it has on me. Told her I'm still here for her (I know, I'm probably a mug for saying that) to which she replied I know instead of there's no point in me being here as she's not coming back. Reading into replies I know.

Anyway that was it with the conversation, but started texting last night asking have I any news, what was I up to over the weekend, how's my family and have I decided to go travelling and work abroad. Replied to each and said no to the travelling, told her before I didn't want to go anywhere without her. She replied she knows that, just wondering as I'd mentioned it before. Told her I've been thinking about a lot of stuff but didn't want to discuss it by text. She asked what I'd been thinking about, just said us but didn't want to talk about it as it would just get me down.

Result was her apologising for asking, think it was sincere. Got a text a while later saying she was going to bed and good night.

Head is back to where it was, second guessing etc though I'm trying not to. In some ways she seems to have disconnected from me, but at the same time hasn't. I'm aware that after a month of being away with her family she's now back in the real world and working again so maybe she just felt lonely? I don't want to shut her out as I still love her and want with all my heart to try and work this out. But I don't know if I'm just been used at this stage as an emotional cushion of sorts.

Sorry for the rant, confused again

Wibbs

Yep as I figured, she would contact you again, with the "how are you" call/text. The mutual mate in hospital was a bonus. The translation of this is pretty simple in most cases. She's keeping you on as an emotional safety net. She's keeping you around because although she doesn't want to jump your bones or want a future with you, she doesn't want to lose what she considers the good aspects of you. The "I wish we could be friends" speech plugs into this. She's keeping you around out of simple habit too. Hence she's "confused". She also knows instinctively that a little bit of her contact is like a sniff of fine tobacco to someone giving up the ciggies.

Of course naturally as you're still emotionally raw, you will give her the right signals back. The usual I will always love you/be there for you/wait for you. This gives her the little ego boost and confidence while she detaches from you at her own pace, or relegates you into tame friendzone.

Now that covers the basics of why this is going on, but you know what? It doesn't matter. What matters is what's healthy for you. Are you getting what you want from this relationship? That would be a no. Is she getting what she wants from this relationship. That would be a yes. She is in control of the situation. She chooses to dole out her affection for her own ends, not yours. Watch how confused she gets after she meets some other bloke. Not very. Though she may keep you on for a while emotionally until the next person takes over.

So basically take back control. Forget about her for the moment. Regardless of the whys(unless it's abuse), she chose to walk away which is her right as a free agent. BTW I've seen women(and men) stick by people they loved through a helluva lot more hard times and issues than her. OK, she couldn't handle that. Fine, but it is not her right as a free agent to continue to wreck your head, just to ease her needs. It is also your right to detach from someone who has chosen to detach from you. For the moment until you come through this, all that matters is you and your journey. Hers is up to her. Down the line maybe you can reconnect, but not now.

Sounds selfish? Maybe. I would say a lot of people are very self centered. To a degree that they don't even realise. Equally people often don't know when they are right to be self centered for their own emotional growth. This is one of those times.

Next time she rings, pick up and calmly tell her, that you would prefer that she not contact you for the foreseeable future. Don't bring up the past and don't tell her you will always be there for her. Just wish her well and say good bye and hang up. If hse texts after that. Reply with "I asked you to respect my wishes". After that ignore her completely.

As I say down the line you may reconnect, but staying in contact now will serve you ill. Look after yourself first and foremost in a healthy way and the rest of life has a tendency to fall into place.

LegacyUser

thanks for the reply Wibbs. Got a text shortly after posting that saying she'd got the job. Asked was she taking it and she said she didn't know what to do. So asked did she want to meet and talk. Just got back from meeting her, emotionally and physically drained.

Not a good outcome, wasn't sure what to expect but as she's had two months to think about this now and she wanted to meet I thought maybe just maybe she's ready to talk and take on board what I say this time. Totally wrong, met the exact same reply as I got days after it happened. "I can't take a chance, you hurt me so much, I could never trust you again,I could never marry you now".

I've explained as best I could that what I did had nothing to do with her, was a symptom of something wrong psychologically but it's gone out of my mind now, to get it in there originally took a traumatic event that nearly killed me, and to get it out took something that while not life threatening in itself was far more traumatic given what the consequences were. I think she knows now that what I did wasn't part of me, but rather something my mind was trying to rid itself of.

I cannot at this stage say anymore than I've already said, she knows I loved her like no-one I've ever loved before, and knows from experience how I would show her this. I would have done anything to make her happy, but in the end I wasn't worth taking a chance on.

I told her I would never lie to her, tell her I'm better if I didn't truly know it, if there was the slightest possibility of something like this happening again I would not have tried to get her back. I've thought about life without her, and while not thrilled by the prospect I know I will survive and eventually meet someone else. I just didn't want to give up without a fight and end up regreting it the rest of my life.

In the end I think she will realise that maybe she could have got over this, and the two of us could have continued through life together. I only hope that she doesn't end up regretting for the rest of her life that she didn't try. I think she will though and it saddens me so much to think of her unhappy in years to come.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

In the end I think she will realise that maybe she could have got over this, and the two of us could have continued through life together. I only hope that she doesn't end up regretting for the rest of her life that she didn't try. I think she will though and it saddens me so much to think of her unhappy in years to come.

That's her loss man. Right now, you have to be looking out for yourself. If you concentrate on things that you have some control over - your health, work environment, even restoring a decent sleep pattern - you'll feel better about yourself, and it'll also give you some head- space. I know it's tough, but I'd keep text/calls civil for now; it sounds like you've done all you can to talk things through with her, the ball is in her court now.

Do you have any mates, brothers or sisters, someone to just go for a pint/watch football with? Sounds like you need to build your social-circle back up that way, with non-committed engagements.

CDfm

Date like anything like your micky depended on it. She broke it off.

Sorry if it sounds callous but developing a life outside her is healthy.

Zaph

CDfm wrote: »

Date like anything like your micky depended on it. She broke it off.

Sorry if it sounds callous but developing a life outside her is healthy.

It's not necessarily callous, but it is coarse. Advising the OP to move on with his life is fine, but do you need to sound like a sex-crazed 16 year old when you're doing so?

CDfm

Sorry OP - I was a bit coarse - but when you do go out you do so as a single bloke ready to enjoy the experience.Wibbs is right -regular habits and everything in proportion.Anything else is a bonus.

LegacyUser

OP again. Think I've decided for the moment that I'm not going to out actively dating. Not sure if that's the right thing for me to be doing right now. If I do meet someone through friends etc it might be different but for now I'm going to just concentrate on myself. Rejoined the gym as I said before, going to start going more regularly and try and build myself up a bit. Gone as skinny as I was in first year in college, can count my ribs, something I haven't been able to do in 15 years!!! This should help with my sleep as well I hope, though the dreaded 4am wakeup is still going like clockwork, nothing more depressing than waking up your bed alone at night and the realisation hitting you that your OH is not there beside you anymore . If the market was any better I would get rid of the house altogether, too many memories.

Anyway I've got a good circle of mates, all fairly busy with their own things such as babies, wedding preps etc but thankfully I've a brother who has been a life saver. He's been there for me since the start, been knocking around with him and his friends who I know really well most weekends which is a refreshing change as none of them bring up what happened so I can forget about it all for a short while.

Texts started again last night after my last post, just checking if I'm ok etc. She said this is not goodbye, just she needs to be at home now to stop herself going insane. To be fair at this point the only friends she has here are friends of mine so in a lot of ways I can't blame her for moving home. It's either that or look for a one bed flat she can't really afford or houseshare with strangers, something she said she could never go back to, in a city where she knows very few people and she knows I live only a short distance away in what was until recently our home.

I told her I understand that and I still love her, this does not have to be the end, it could just be the beginning with me as I was before the accident, the same person she loved but now with no accrued hangups. I'd forgotten what it was like to be totally normal and I only wish she could see that is what I am again. .

LegacyUser

ok, think I'm at breaking point. Texts went on until late Monday night and we (again) agreed we both need some time to ourselves. Her suggestion again, to which I replied I was going to suggest the same thing. Said good night, take care of yourself and vice versa, always thinking about you, affectionate as always.

Got a text then Tuesday afternoon saying she hoped I hadn't taken her up wrong when we met on the Monday when she'd said she'd never wanted to get married abroad which is what we'd planned for and spent a lot of money on. She then said she would have married me anywhere.
This continued into Tuesday evening with me saying she was the only person I've ever met that I ever wanted to marry. I thought my head had started to get a bit together on the Tuesday but as the texts continued Tuesday night I was in tears again. Pathetic I know but hard to read "I loved you more that you will ever know and would have done anything for you, I still love you but cannot be with you".

I finally said the texts have to stop for a few weeks as it's just too painful, I'm just so hurt and confused by everything thats happened between us that I need some time on my own. I didn't shut the door, told her if she needs to talk before then I'm here and that maybe the future still has plans for us but for the moment we need to be apart.

She agreed and we said good night.

To be honest I felt a lot better after this, like I was finally managing to regain some control over my own life. Felt ok yesterday too, not brillant, up and down but not in the depths of depression like previously.

No texts since that but just feeling so f**ked up today after bad dreams and 3 hours sleep, just getting so tired of feeling like this. Getting a bit afraid too as starting to daydream about just driving into a crash barrier and finishing everything. I've never been so low in my whole life. The one person who I had absolute faith in and loved so much left, not because I was with someone, or was abusive, or any of the usual reasons, but because I had something screwed up in my head that I couldn't see. Something that is now gone but all she said on Monday was if I had loved her I would not have done it. She can't understand it never had anything to do with an absence of love, or breaking of trust. I could never lie to her, or do anything conciously to hurt her, she meant everything to me and I would have done anything for her. But I managed to f**k it all up by doing something I can't even remember doing or understand why I would.

LegacyUser

OP here,well the no contact has gone well (sort of). Got a text week and a half ago using my friends as an excuse again and asking for info she could have got off her own friend. I just provided the info and nothing more, not rude but not initiating any conversation.
Since then I've been sort of set up on a date by a friend in work with one of her friends I've never met. Just been texting the last few days, email, that sort of thing. Turns out we've an amazing amount of things in common and seem to think very alike. I've been careful though as I don't want to suddenly be projecting all my feelings onto someone new classic rebound fashion. Anyway by some strange quirk of faith the only weekend day we both have free over the next 4 weeks is also the day I was supposed to be tying the knot.
I haven't said this to her and to be honest I was trying if anything to avoid this whole weekend as firstly I thought it would be inappropiate, and secondly I would just feel so weird about it. I've been thinking I don't really want to as it gets closer to the date but at the same time I don't want to hurt this girls feelings as she has said a few times she can't wait to meet.

On top of which my ex fiancee texted again after a week and a half of no contact, this time no pretext used. Just sent a photo of snow outside her place of work with a distant caption saying how magical is this.
As usual threw me right off, replied (I know I shouldn't have) that yes it was and got an inane reply a while later saying for sure. Not the way she talks at all and just really bizarre.

So my head is melted (AGAIN), I've tried to put her out of my mind and move on for my own sake. The whole date was just intended as a nice distraction with someone who sounds nice, not looking for anything other than pleasant company on the night, and maybe just get a little perspective on my feelings for my ex. But everything in me is without meaning to be dramatic silently screaming. I love my ex, she is the only girl I've ever felt like this about, and now I am going on a blind date on what should be our first night of husband and wife.

What the hell am I doing? I just don't know anymore. Everytime I think I am getting a little clarity I get a text from her, distant and saying nothing really, but a reminder (as if I need it) that she is still there. What is she trying to do, drive me insane or tell me that it's not over?

Any advice appreciated. I've never been this messed up in my life, weight still dropping off (even though I'm eating a bit more now), checked this morning and I've now lost over 3.5 stone, I wasn't even heavy to begin with, average for my height. Sleep is still a bit screwed up but it's just the constant pain, over 2 months now and it's still going on. Weird thing is was having my first really down day in over a week, thinking about her every second and I get a text off her. Used to always happen the minute one of us thought about the other we would get a text.

CDfm

Unregistered wrote: »

On top of which my ex fiancee texted again after a week and a half of no contact, this time no pretext used. Just sent a photo of snow outside her place of work with a distant caption saying how magical is this.
As usual threw me right off, replied (I know I shouldn't have) that yes it was and got an inane reply a while later saying for sure. Not the way she talks at all and just really bizarre.

So my head is melted (AGAIN),

OP -she broke it off with you.For some people the friend thing does not work and you may need to look at it that way.You should be straight up and say "missus -you broke it off with me and I dont need texts from you reminding me of it"- tell her "if you is not interested then dont contact me". They are for her and do nothing for you.

There is nothing worse then getting your head mashed with mixed messages and its like picking a scab so thats why for some its better to be total strangers.

I hope that doesnt sound harsh - it took me a while to dig that.

And if you do get a lovebunny for a night take her.

Wibbs

When a lover leaves the sooner you let them leave the better. Don't answer her calls, emails, texts, don't believe the BS "I love you, but can't be with you". It's a lie. Simple as that. If you love someone you're with them. It's really that black and white. Plus if you loved someone you wouldn't continue to wreck their head, just because you don't know what you want. Oh I'm sure she thinks she loves you, but she's so wrapped up in her Me headspace, she doesn't.

Go on that date. If you have to drag yourself kicking and screaming go on it. Don't mention the ex or the date. Instant mood killer. Just try to have fun. Fake it if you have to. With all the women in the world, smarter, better looking, more compatible, more loving women, why get hung up on one who leaves in such a way and continues to headwreck? It makes no logical sense.

seosamh1980

MagicMarker wrote: »

There's no harm in dating. But don't jump into a relationship with the first girl you meet. It won't work.

Keep things casual, make sure the girls know it's casual and have fun.

Completely agree with you on that one. Fresh start. Obviously were not meant to be together so once you take the first step don't look back.

LegacyUser

OP again, cheers for the replies guys. thought about it some more last night, was tempted to back out (I do have a very good excuse) but decided against it as though I know this girl I'm meeting would understand, I also know she'd be disappointed. She's a nice girl and I don't want my first time meeting anyone for a date in years other than my ex to be marred by me f*cking them around.

Anyway I'll go ahead with it, even though in a lot of respects I'm dreading it. Not because of the girl I'm meeting, under normal circumstances I'd be really looking forward to it, but just cos I never saw myself with anyone other than my ex.

I suppose though what I'm doing is giving myself closure (hate that word) as she seems to be unwilling or unable to do that. The ball has been in her court since the start, and I've tried through actions as well as words to sort this out between us as best I can. She on the other hand has been so wrapped up in her own pain (a lot of which I now think is of her own making as she sees herself as the victim with no control over events, and is wallowing in self pity over the f*cking wedding rather than us) that she has refused point blank to see any future together. And yet she won't leave me alone.

You were right anyway Wibbs when you said one thing could not be the only reason for this. She told me last time she met me that she had been thinking for over a month about postphoning the wedding but thought she would be putting people out as they had spent money on flights accomodation. I don't think it ever occurred to her to tell me this at the time when we might have managed to fix this (and believe me, if the reason she left is the real reason than that was a lot easier to fix than I ever imagined). Instead she kept it to herself, worrying about people spending money rather than have the decency to share her doubts with the person prepared to spend the rest of their life with her, a rather more signicant investment than a few hundred euro.

I'm going on the date anyway, and I WILL enjoy it! I'm not expecting this girl to be the new love of my life, but she is nice, friendly, and for the first time in months I have someone asking how I am etc. I'll go because of that, and I will treat her as I always treated my ex, with consideration and respect, and I WILL have a good night!

I'm also thinking as soon as I met her I'll turn off my phone, wouldn't even bring it or look at it on the day except need it in case either of us are delayed. Just don't want another headwrecking message along the lines of "right now I would be Mrs OP if you hadn't ruined everything". I am half expecting something on the day, but I won't be replying as I can no longer be the shoulder to cry on when she's down and wants to make sure I am too.

Anyway guys, as always thanks for the posts. It's weird, up until this happened I've never posted in PI except to dispense advice (some of it in threads exactly like this!) .

CDfm

Good man -enjoy it and have a great time.

ASk her if she is free Valentines night and book dinner somewhere.

Resterants are doing speciall deals at 35e pp - so if it gets to the stage that you say it was great and she is up for it just ask if she is free for it:)

Wibbs

Unregistered wrote: »

You were right anyway Wibbs when you said one thing could not be the only reason for this. She told me last time she met me that she had been thinking for over a month about postphoning the wedding but thought she would be putting people out as they had spent money on flights accomodation. I don't think it ever occurred to her to tell me this at the time when we might have managed to fix this (and believe me, if the reason she left is the real reason than that was a lot easier to fix than I ever imagined). Instead she kept it to herself, worrying about people spending money rather than have the decency to share her doubts with the person prepared to spend the rest of their life with her, a rather more signicant investment than a few hundred euro.

IMHO people, men or women almost never give the real reason why they leave. Sometimes they don't even know themselves. They just know or feel something has changed and they don't want to continue. They give a "reason" to the person getting the heave ho, either to neatly explain it for the dumped or for themselves, or so as not to hurt the person they still have affection for. Often well intentioned too. Of course this gets the one who's dumped in a tizzy as they can't figure out why they left for something as simple as <insert reason>. IMHO 9 times outa 10 it boils down to boredom with the relationship, or a feeling it's run it's course, or sometimes fear of the next step. This comes out as "I love, but am not in love". The nookie slows down and slippery slope ahoy. Something usually sets it off. The straw that breaks the camels back, but it has been building up, but the person still invested in the relationship hasn't seen it. So dont mull over the "reason" given. Chances are it's not even close to the real reason.

I'm going on the date anyway, and I WILL enjoy it! I'm not expecting this girl to be the new love of my life, but she is nice, friendly, and for the first time in months I have someone asking how I am etc. I'll go because of that, and I will treat her as I always treated my ex, with consideration and respect, and I WILL have a good night!

Kudos!

Anyway guys, as always thanks for the posts. It's weird, up until this happened I've never posted in PI except to dispense advice (some of it in threads exactly like this!) .

Yea and chances are you'd have given yourself exactly the same advice. So physician heal thyself!:D Hell I better do that more often myself.:eek::D