Husband working away from home....Too hard.

Munstermad

Hi there, just wanted a bit of advice on this, I suppose I should be grateful he has a job at all. We have 3 fantastic kids, a nice house but I think this distance thing is killing our marriage, although hubbies so tired all the time he seems unaware of it all. Christmas was tough, kids were all sick and he was away for most of it. Came to a bit of a head over New Years, I thought we were going to split, he didn't see any of this, just thought I had lost the plot?
We went away for weekend and all he wanted to do was get course work done, watch match's and stay at bar. He's never been the clingy romantic type, I knew this before we got married. I've always been a little insecure in our relationship, (weight, babies before marriage etc) but he see's me as the strong one..
I've tried bringing it up, I don't like being needy but I feel like a housekeeper/childminder... He seems to think I'm kidding, prob cause i'm being flippant when i mention stuff. Half of me doesn't want to say it straight out because i'll break down, and am terrified he'll say he wants out of the marriage?
I love him to bits, but our love life, and relationship as a couple has taken a complete nose dive. I am starting to resent having all the burden of the house and the kids, and i work part-time too. I get so angry with him for not helping out as much as he used to even though I know he's exhausted.. He can't do anything to change his job and we have moved a lot in the past while so we can't move the kids again.... I don't think I can do this long term...Somedays I feel like running away.
I just think if he made a little more effort for me and for us I'd be able for it.....
Am I being a selfish b***h?
AM I forcing something thats already gone?
Any help greatly appreciated.

preilly79

What is it that prevents your husband from getting a job that keeps him closer to home (if that's not prying too much ... there's almost always a solution to work issues)? Obviously the job market is tough at the moment but it might be worth thinking about. Other than that I can't offer a huge amount of advice except that explaining everything to the other goes an awful long way. If he's as tired and distracted as you say he his then maybe he just hasn't registered the changes in your marriage?

Amazotheamazing

He's not a mind reader.

Tell him honestly and directly how you feel, not flippantly and when you are both tired.

He needs to know how you feel before he can make efforts to changes things. He probably feels he's doing the best for everyone by working so hard during the recession.

Munstermad

No he won't be able to transfer back home anytime soon. He left insecure position to take this secure position. (Government job which he loves) No real possibility of getting another job, (Limerick,Dell etc.)
Maybe I'll put pen to paper, although tried this over Christmas and could't give it to him. I suppose I should be talking this out with him, is difficult to find a window with kids and work etc. Should have mentioned it over weekend but drink was involved.
Thanks for listening.

Munstermad

Yes you're right, he's def not a mindreader....
I have to find the time, I suppose i don't want to upset him, he does work so hard for his family...
Need the compose myself to explaing clearly and not be a blubbering mess.
Thanks again.

dyl10

If you are going to face it head on and confront him about it, from experience I think you should let him no exactly how you feel and the real long term consequences of this.

Sometimes men(I am one) have an issue differentiating between a "woman" problem and an actual, serious problem. If he understands that things are so bad that you leaving is a reality, I would imagine it could be a big kick up the arse for him and give him real reason to think about how things actually are.

G&T

My oh also works away,
my advise to you is to have some child/work
free time to yourself everyday if you can.
I dont know what ages your kid's are so
I dont know what would suit you,

My kid's are all in school so I don't have a
child with me 24/7.
I also ask a neighbours teenage girl to watch them
1 hour a week and I go for a walk.

Having had all the arguements you are having at the moment
I know where your at,
I often get fed up,
but we are where we are and im sure your oh didn't
make the decision to work away alone,
I would rather be me than him,
ive a nice home and the kid's,
They have the stress,lonely hotel room's,
and miss the kid's and us when we're not
raving lunatics.

Thing's are tough for now,
the kid's wont alway's be so hard,
You should focus on the positive,
make the best of what your life is now and
don't look to far into the future.
If you imagine 10 more years of the same you will go mad,
so just take one year at a time.

Have a big chat with your oh,
talk and listen,he can't be happy either.
Make a promise to be kinder to each other,
and be support not a drain in each others day.

Wing Walker

Hi OP, sorry to hear that you're having trouble, although I expect that many are in a similar position to you given the current economic climate. It's really having a knock-on effect on family lives.

I'm one that's in a similar position. I work away from home and for the public service. It's tough on the home relationship, more so when there are children involved and you're the one at home holding down the fort. There are no easy solutions but you already know that.

The most important thing is communication. Talk to your other half, let him know how you feel, what you're worried about and how you see the future. Then talk to him about his job. Depending on how long he's in this job as a public/civil servant, he could apply for a transfer. Is there a chance that he could transfer to another office/department that is closer to home?

It won't be easy, there will be emotions. Remember, at the end of the day, you still have to be there for one another and your family.

Best of luck with it.

andrewh5

Munstermad, what would you have done if your OH had been a soldier? He would be away from home for months at a time and would not be coming home at weekends. You need to learn to deal with the weekly seperation and also learn how to enjoy time together as a family at weekends. He is bound to be tired - especially if he is driving back to Munster after a weeks work. At least he has work and it is secure! Many don't have work or are in fear of losing their jobs.