Relationship ended

LegacyUser

I've just got out of a 5 1/2 year relationship. Was absolutly devestated when it ended and I never saw it coming. I've had limited contact with the ex but i think to move on i need to cut all contact....the whole thing just gets dragged up in my mind whenever I talk to her.

She has a new fella but she rings me every now and again, usually out of the blue for a "chat and to see how I am". This really upsets me cos I just want to be back going out with her when I'm talking to her but I know that's not a possibility.

Everything else in life is good, have a good job, excellent friends, close family and loads of hobbie's. I think I should cut contact and move on with my life for good. Any suggestions?

Wibbs

I'd have to say, tell her that you would rather she doesn't ring you again. If she asks when she can, which is likely, calmly tell her never. Then you may get the "but we shared 5 years together". Your answer, "we did, but that was then and this is now. You chose to leave, so I'm letting you leave completely. I wish you all the happiness you truly deserve".

The fact is she did look at the relationship and she decided that she wanted to move on which is her right. However she doesn't have the right to assuage her guilt, or indeed even the right to have you as a friend, until you decide. You need to take back the emotional control in your life that you lost.

This means break all contact. If she tries to contact you then she's simply being selfish or has no insight at all, doubly so as she has a new guy on board. Which as an aside, if this break was as recent as you say, then that's not too healthy either.

This time is for you, not her and you. Time to take stock and look at all the possibilities that life has to offer. Good luck with that, but you won't get that until she's out of your life. For the foreseeable anyway. My 2 cents.

LegacyUser

Hi OP - you've got to tell your ex to stop calling you - it's not healthy. She's trying to lose her guilt for finishing with you by making sure you're ok. You'll never be ok if she doesn't leave you alone. Tell her that you need a clean break - you don't need another friend, you've got plenty and it would be more considerate if she gave you the opportunity to move on.

Otis Driftwood

Im afraid cold turkey is the only way to go mate.Been in a similar situation.Now it wasnt that long of relationship as you had but she ended it out of the blue.I was gutted but was moving on.A few months later she started calling/emailing me again telling me about her mum being sick and other stuff like that that was going crappy in her life and like a bollix I went running.We got back together and all went well for a bit and again pretty much out of the blue she ended it a week before xmas.I was upset but thats mostly mainly because I know Id lost one of my best friends for good because staying in touch just doesnt benefit anyone IMO.Its a $hite situation to be in and a tough decision to make but you will find it so much harder to move on as long as ye are in touch.Ask her nicely not to contact you.If she doesnt leave you be the tough approach is needed.Best of luck anyway.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice everybody, its a difficult thing to say stay away, especially when deep down you don't really want to. To move on I think it might be the best, especially given that i'm fortunatly not in the situation that she was/is the only think I have.

Its a bit sh*t tho isn't it!

Feelgood

Wibbs wrote: »

This means break all contact. If she tries to contact you then she's simply being selfish or has no insight at all, doubly so as she has a new guy on .

Wibbs, while you are usually spot on I can't say I agree with what your saying in this instance.

When you spend that amount of time with someone, its completely natual that you grow to care and love them over the course of the relationship and its also completely natural that a lot of people keep in contact with their ex partners. There is nothing wrong with stating "but we shared 5 years together", they did and its a big chunk of life that they spent together. Its not an excuse to stay in contact. I don't think its as completely black and white as you have put it.

There is 2 very basic decisions to be made by the op.

1. Does it bother you that she keeps in contact

and

2. Are you going to be able to move forward and get over it while staying
in contact with her.

If you answer yes to 1 and no to 2, then the simple solution is to just knock it on the head. It doesn't have to be malicious, just tell her - Look I can't get over our relationship while still being in contact with you, which is why I think we shouldn't stay in contact. period.

Wibbs

Feelgood wrote: »

When you spend that amount of time with someone, its completely natual that you grow to care and love them over the course of the relationship and its also completely natural that a lot of people keep in contact with their ex partners. There is nothing wrong with stating "but we shared 5 years together", they did and its a big chunk of life that they spent together. Its not an excuse to stay in contact. I don't think its as completely black and white as you have put it.

No I agree. From her point of view. I'm just suggesting for him, the easiest path is for healing is to cut contact. Him and her are no longer a "they". As the one left behind, he needs to put himself first. Too often the "but we shared X years together" is used as an emotional leverage by the person doing the leaving, so they don't have to suffer the complete loss of that person and those times. I've done it myself.

It will be easier for her to grieve the loss of this relationship. She made the decision to leave, she has another to take up the emotional slack. He on the other hand does not. All he essentially has is the memories and I would guess the hope that tomorrow she'll come back. Big diff.

In that gap of difference she can't expect to feed whatever emotional needs she may still have about the loss of the relationship(guilt, concern whatever). She has to grieve the loss too. She probably doesn't see it like this(I didn't in the past), so that's why I say she has a lack of insight on this.

I still stand by the idea that anyone who says "but we shared X years together" as a response to "I need space to heal" is thinking more about themselves than the other person. Everyone is self centered to some degree. I'm just saying that she may need to see that aspect(and of course it's not all of it). If she can't, then he must take steps to heal himself.

There is 2 very basic decisions to be made by the op.

1. Does it bother you that she keeps in contact

and

2. Are you going to be able to move forward and get over it while staying
in contact with her.

If you answer yes to 1 and no to 2, then the simple solution is to just knock it on the head. It doesn't have to be malicious, just tell her - Look I can't get over our relationship while still being in contact with you, which is why I think we shouldn't stay in contact. period.

I agree.